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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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It's weird. Normally seeing a character I love broken like this isn't something I'd enjoy reading. But I checked it out anyway, and I've been enjoying it. So I guess that means you're doing a pretty good job!
What is taking you so long to save Rarity and NUKE those Bastard Diamond Dogs, heck Celestia should have Rarity saved and then send a Solar Flare down on those Mutts to show them that NO ONE messes with her ponies.
Nicely written, I see the training involves tying their names to their personas. Rarity is the mare that was, Valiente is the mare that soon will be; poetic and linked nicely with Pavlovian training. Make her want to be Valiente, make being Rarity painful and unable to be endured and, soon, she will want to be Valiente more than anything else in the world.
There were some repeated words here, I noticed one line had the word 'effect' in it a few times, generally something to be avoided unless you are specifically using it to add emphasis (can be great for mind-control from the controlled's point of view). EG; "He wanted to last longer. He needed to last longer. He would last longer."
Forget chapter lengths, release your stuff in whatever format you wish. Keep up the great work!
7528076 Good advice as always. I'll try to be more careful to avoid word repetition. Seriously, do you teach creative writing for a living? You have yet to steer me wrong with your advice.
As for Rarity. I've read a fair bit of this kind of fiction in the past and most of it just suddenly shifts the target character's personality instantly or nearly so. But that isn't how these things happen. Stockholm Syndrome and similar take time to develop. Rarity is a strong willed, capable mare. It would be a disservice to the character to have her suddenly succumb. Raarg might be pulling out all the stops and even have the upper hand, er paw, but Rarity still has plenty of fight in her.
7527685 Well, it would be a pretty short story if all Celestia had to do was break out the Low Orbital Friendship Laser. The next chapter or two will help address your concerns though.
7528149 Indeed, and I will share two facts that make my enjoyment of this greater.
In mind-control and brainwashing stories, I love the struggle, the fight. If the target slips right into their new life I find it bland and boring. Might as well not even have them as a character before.
The other thing, of course, is that to me... Rarity is best pony. She is more fleshed out than most of the mane-6, she started and runs a successful and expanding business and, on top of all of her work, she is still the best friend a pony could ever find. Seeing her lose everything, including her name and self, is an interesting and fun journey.
7528161 Well I do hope they save her and kill those Diamond Bastards, besides if Faust was there then the Diamond Dog race would go the way of the Dinosaurs.
7527513 I'm exactly the same way... which is odd, for someone who likes mind control as a theme (not to mention bridles ). I always feel a bit of trepidation every time I see that Penalt has updated this.
I neglected to mention, I rather liked the inclusion of the effects of equine exhaustion in the earlier chapter, and this one. I don't think I've seen that done in a FIMFic before.
I think Rares has one potential out left to her (for now), but I don't know that it's one she'd take: sudden, lethal violence. But given the nature of the bridle I imagine killing Raarg would be the end of her, too.
7528300
Thank you, I actually did some research on that subject before I started writing the first chapter. One thing equines are vulnerable to is a loss of electrolytes during periods of high activity. Their sweat is more salty than that of humans and so they are more vulnerable to the loss of salt and electrolytes than they are of water loss through sweating.
Oh, another thing I noticed (that I forgot to mention the first time). While not technically incorrect to put thoughts in the same quotes as speech, it can confuse the reader, unless you either point out that it is non-verbal very quickly, or use something else to denote it. Some writers use single quotes, others (how I prefer to do it) italicize such thoughts.
Every time I say raarg aloud I burst into giggles