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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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In regards to punctuation around quotes, you have a few instances (mostly early on) where you are putting it outside the quote. A search for the closing quote, space, comma should find them easily enough.
We get some politics, drama, and a little of the 'action' showing how this training bridle is going to do its job.
Politics:
There is a big exposition dump, with Raarg talking about the different parts of the church. The leader should already know this, it sticks out a little that he is really saying this for the reader's benefit. Maybe an earlier scene, with Raarg actually going to the church/shrine, where a priest gives out benedictions, perhaps inducting young dogs into the pertinent orders, explaining to them what their duties and faiths require, would be a better way to get this information shown, and not told.
The avarice of the leader is obvious, he sees Rar- Valiente, as a chip, pure chattel. The church will see her as a holy symbol, a mark that should remain if not inviolate, then at least revered even as she is trained. Raarg, poor Raarg seems trapped, he is willing to fight and do nearly anything for his people, but clearly not if it costs them their soul—his own seems expendable to him.
Drama:
Rar- Valiente, tries to stir up the dogs, tries to bring them to arms against each other. She might have had a hope if half weren't in awe of her and half didn't want to put her on a pedestal and worship her.
Action:
The capture bridle seems a very interesting device, but I wonder at the fact that more tricks were not built into it. Maybe the reigns should try and snare branches and things, to tether the pony more forcefully. Maybe even grow blinkers or more restrictive devices to make it harder for the pony to effectively escape. In short, it seems too 'fair'.
The training bridle is everything you would expect of it, so far. Pavlovian training is shown, punishing her for saying (maybe even thinking?) her name, and I take it those 'zaps', obviously induced by her fighting the training plan, will slowly break her normal 'Rarity' personality away and imprint Valiente in its place. The interesting thing is, how much of her will it carry over to this new pony? Would she be able to 'keep' parts of herself by working with the training and not struggling? But then, if she does such a thing, wouldn't that not be an even better training in the long run, breaking her actual will, rather than forcing the new persona into her?
In all, shaping up very nicely and I greatly look forward to reading more.
PS. I can't help but giggle at 'also liked' linking one of my most disliked stories I have ever written. Bravo fimfic, bravo.
I do hope Rarity kills those foolish Diamond Bastards, she should let "Nightmarity" loose so she can get free, I mean after all her Nightmare form will be OVERKILL to take care of those Diamond Bastards, I can't wait to see what happens next.
I love you.
Not as fast as they're probably going to be... Howl really isn't thinking this through.
7490314 Honestly, once Luna learns what's happened she could annihilate their entire species without even lifting a hoof.
7490266 Thanks for that. I knew I was getting heavy on the exposition but I wrote it anyway trying to get back to the 'action'. I like your idea and if you don't mind I might somewhat steal it down the road. I'd much prefer to 'show not tell' when it comes to plot points. It's made me realize that once I've written something I should step back and see if I could have done it differently instead.
As for the capture bridle. I had meant to write that it also affected the mind. Triggering the flight response to wear out the victim to keep them from fighting or at least from fighting effectively when eventually run to ground. So, yes, you definitely caught that as initially written it was too fair.
I do intend for another of the Mane 6 to run afoul of a capture bridle so I may include it there.
7490468
Oh, that sort of exposition supply without being a dump, is a classic trick. An 'outside' or 'new' character to the situation, being explained what is going on, is a great way to explain it to the reader too. Explaining it to the camp leader, who really should know the politics of his dogs already, was a bit far-reaching.
Seems a touch dangerous, as Rarity showed by collapsing and almost dying from being run to ground.
This would be quite interesting, particularly if they got away from the dogs and then had to live with the thing attached to them, and being unable to get it off. Particularly with the bit. Rainbow Dash, feeling a constant urge to get away and fly, or giving up and not being able to fight. Shy might be a bad target, although if it is 'FIGHT or flight' it could trigger her to be much more aggressive than she other wise is.
Some things that concern me, after having had some time to think about the story and how it is progressing.
Side characters: We all know who Muffins/Derpy is, we all grin when we see Lyra. You are giving us no other dogs to relate to, or think about—particularly in Raarg's pack. I would expect Rarity, by now, to at least know the names of most of them, particularly if she wants to have a hope of getting under their skin.
The Process: Please, for the love of zap-apples, don't skimp on the breaking of Rarity into Valiente. I think I speak for a lot of your readers when I say the process, the idea of it, is what a lot us are here for. Her point of view, or Raarg's commentary as she fights against losing herself, are things I certainly look forward to.
Breaking: Not referring to Rarity here, not directly. This is a magical process that is done to ponies, over time, that up until recently nothing has had any success in improving. Twilight can still be an amazing savior of the slaves, but it would hurt the whole story if she literally snapped her hooves and could undo it. Maybe the initial undoing works well, but leaves the ponies still feeling the life of their slave-self, still dropping back to it on occasion. Maybe it needs repeated work by an alicorn to fix.
The Reason: Tantalizing as it is, being foreshadowed and dangling before us, the 'why' of Raarg's 'saving his people' is a black cloud, might I suggest giving us things, ideas, as to what it will be. That has the added bonus of encouraging reader-to-reader conversations (and even arguments) about it.
Lastly, know one thing. I wouldn't bother leaving ideas/critique to this extent if I wasn't fully engaged in your world and story. Keep it up!
EDIT: Chatting with another of your readers, gaining ideas.
The capture halter expressly produces a horn-blocker for unicorns. I presume it would foul a pegasus' wings, or even form hobbles on an earth pony. Applejack trapped unable to buck. Rainbow Dash finding herself unable to fly. Pinkie not able to pronk around, and with a bit fixed in place, unable to tell a joke.
I think I've seen more stories where newly-introduced Diamond Dog OCs are incredibly eloquent compared to the ones in the show than there are stories that stick with what we've seen.
I mean, couldn't you have the same effect even with limited speaking capabilities? It would be more of a challenge, sure, but when every Diamond Dog OC is so 'extraordinary', it loses its effect. They stop feeling like a Diamond Dog character, which defeats the purpose of making them one in the first place.
7493653 *raises a hoof* Mine was brutish and nasty, horrible and cowardly. Does that help raise the average enough for this story to be okay?
Soo... Basically his people are Parasites that need to be exterminated just as bad as the changelings of cannon Chrysalis's Hive.
7493925
Woah there, let's not get hasty! I didn't say this story wasn't okay!
I may think portraying Raarg closer to one of the Diamond Dogs from the show proper and then fleshing him out would've been more effective, but I didn't mean to say I disapprove of the story as a whole.
7496286 I would portray his pack as a lot less civilized, he is after all, the leader of a pack, a sort of paragon.
Also, those dogs (in the show) were ultimately described here as 'kids', so their being a little simpler, with undeveloped speech, makes a little sense. But yeah, in the story where I have used them (for about 4k words or so), they were only a fraction brighter than portrayed in the show.
Still very interested in seeing where this is going.
7496286 Fair enough. You make good points, and in future stories or characters I might indeed take your approach. I am very, very new at writing stories and believe it or not every comment from my readers opens new vistas of possibilities to me so don't feel bad about commenting as you did. Right now, I'm pretty much committed to my current approach in the portrayals of Raarg and Howl. I have very definite mental images of those two.
Chapter 5 may run late compared to my usual every 10 days. There is a lot going on now. And I have to try to do it all justice. I'm expecting to have to do at least a couple of rewrites and more than a little back checking to make sure I'm keeping things consistent with previous chapters and the ongoing story.
That and I have careful not to spoil things here either.
This is shaping up to be one of the best stories I've read in a while. You are a really good writer already, and this is just your first story! I'm really looking forward to the next chapter(s) because I'm interested to see how you will handle the mind breaking-aspect of the story. As Damaged said already, this is really delicate and shouldn't be rushed. But I have faith that you can pull it off nicely
7515748 Good catch. I've been trying to avoid using that word and it must have slipped in. Edited it out.
7516079 Rubber can be a good substitute, it is a natural substance and pony-level tech would be up to making it. Another thought is woven hemp.
7517894 I've been keeping the materials used intentionally vague. I did know that I wanted to avoid leather though, due to its animal origins. I certainly did not want to go with the 'leather plant' option from the The Dresden Fillies, funny as it was though.
This is a really good story.
I'm thinking and feeling inspiration with every chapter I read.
Grammar was atrocious but it's getting better, too.