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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Fine if Celestia and Luna can't go and blow up those Diamond Dogs then have Discord go and do it then, after all one word from Fluttershy and he will go off to save Rarity, that is unless you unleash Greed Growth Spike the Dragon on those Diamond Dogs, that way Rarity would be saved for sure unless she lets Nightmarity loose from her cell in her mind to get her out from the Diamond Dog den.
The extra care you have taken in this chapter really shows. Great use of descriptions, wonderful dialog. As your blog said, writing is a skill, the more you do it the better you get at it. The important things are to be the biggest critic of your own work (look at all your flaws as you fix them, own them), and never, ever, write off negative feedback.
The fact is, as is described, Luna might go to the badlands, she might slay fifty dogs, but so long as one can halter her, she is lost and trapped. If they break her, not matter how many of their kind it takes, they will have a weapon that could level countries, and I doubt even Celestia (especially Celestia) could bring herself to "stop" that weapon.
Now we have a little more detail as to what is happening to the diamond dog nation, but the reason for taking such slaves, the 'you will save our people', is still up in the air. Is it merely monetary income that is keeping them afloat at this point? Or is Raarg planning something more?
I guess I, like so many others, will need to await the next chapter.
7532987 I actually had considered Nightmare Rarity making an appearance. Because, among other things, Nightmare Rarity is awesome. If there was any part of the comics canon I would like to see in an actual MLP episode, it is that. But, I'm not sure if I can portray that level of evil elegance as yet.
Discord? He might be reformed but he still enjoys some good chaos. He might even rescue Rarity, its the how that might melt reality.
Spike? Well, the following comes to mind:
Demons run when a good man goes to war
Night will fall and drown the sun
When a good man goes to war
Friendship dies and true love lies
Night will fall and the dark will rise
When a good man goes to war
Demons run, but count the cost
The battle's won, but the child is lost
7533093 Okay, so Discord it out, but Nightmarity could come to Rarity during the time she sleeps, saying something about how SHE could free them while making sure to purge their shared body of that Diamond Dog mark/magic that was put on them. Now if you go with Spike make it so his Greed Growth is done via a Noble reason, that way Spike would be in his right mind while still being a large powerful dragon with massive muscles and wings to help him take out those Diamond Dogs, after all wouldn't Spike think of Rarity as part of his horde, this way he has a 1-up on those Diamond Dogs for "Stealing" part of his horde.
Biggest problem with this story is the sudden flips in emotion or tone. Rarity takes one zap to go from defiance to "yes master", Twilight cures the slave in one conversation, and Luna calms down very quickly.
Luna in particular... If she's not meant to be sort of bipolar or unstable it's strange that she flips so quickly. Most people that angry would stomp off and sulk briefly even if they know they're wrong; apologies/asking for forgiveness would come later after they called down.
*eyebrow-waggles vigorously* I love this awkward complication between Twi and Side Slip. Talk about getting to know you better...
7533004 They could just do a "Twilight's Kingdom" and once again summon "I am become Death, destroyer of worlds" nuclear beam cannon Twilight...
A darker twist at this juncture would be Luna deciding to go behind everypony else's backs. She wouldn't even have to risk herself or leave Canterlot, really. She controls dreams; it's not unfathomable that she could withhold dreaming entirely from those she chooses. A week without dreaming and there would be blood running in the Diamond Dogs' streets.
Though I have to admit, Nightmare Rarity making an appearance would be an ironic and well-deserved twist for Raarg and his dogs.
7533563 And, if while charged with all that energy, Twilight is captured? Then the diamond dogs not only have rainbow cannon, they also have the only pony to at least partially undo the halter's changes.
7533725 She got tackled through a mountain by Tirek; I don't think she'd have much trouble protecting herself. Not that I think it would be in-character for Twilight to go all Bolo Mk. 33 on the Diamond Dogs. It would just be kind of amusing.
I still haven't been able to puzzle out exactly how the Diamond Dogs are planning to benefit from this course of action, if they're in as bad a shape as they seem to be.
7533781 The diamond dogs? Well, they have already talked about selling, so money to buy food for their people is probably the state reason, if a bad one.
Raarg, on the other hoof, clearly has something else in mind. But what?
7533807 I think he sees a doctrinal conflict about to emerge, triggered by Valiente's presence. I'm kind of surprised Luna hasn't thought to exploit her particular notoriety amongst the dogs, really.
7533781 For the honor of the Regiment
7533191 I've thought about your criticism for the better part of a day now thinking on it and how best to reply.
With regards to Luna. Luna has been portrayed in the series as changeable in temperament. I would point out the Nightmare Night episode in particular where she bounces back and forth between emotional states. Also, to a lesser degree, the Tantibus episode where she trends deeper and deeper into self-loathing before she is helped to realize her own worth and suddenly everything gets better.
I tried to portray that mercurial emotional control and I obviously failed with that. I will take your criticism on that to heart and try to do better in the future.
With regards to Rarity, however, I disagree. Rarity has taken more than one hit from the bridle. And I think I've done a good job of portraying these hits as more than just little zaps. They are low grade electrocutions, directly to her head and brain. Essentially she is getting hit with very primitive, very powerful electroshock therapy. Finally, the 'yes...master' was less her giving in than it was her saying what she thought Raarg wanted to hear to keep him from shocking her again.
Just a minor thing I want to point out, but you might want to change some words at the beginning of the chapter into their "horse-equivallent":
Shouldn't it be "pony" instead of "person"?
Maybe "canter" or "gallop" instead of "run"?
7539348 Seems a bit racist if you ask me, but whatever floats your boat