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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I can think of how to get Twilight and Rarity back, once Luna takes them back to Cantorlot she as their Mistress would order them to active their "Rainbow Power" forms, once that is done the other members of the mane 6 would go into Rainbow mode too and they would wrap their powers around all 6 of them along with the help of the Princess, Shining Armor, Starlight Glimmer, Trixie and maybe even Sunset if she is contacted and told what happened, those ponies would add their magic to bring back Twilight and Rarity's minds to normal.
I would love to make an onomatopoeia of the sounds I made while reading this chapter, but that would just look weird, even though it would be expressive. Lots of really good things here, but also lots of other things that felt... really weird. Not bad outright, but not exactly living up to the buildup so far either.
What happened to Rarity was neatly executed, a good dark twist after the hope being fed to the reader. Twilight on the other hand? Eh, not so much. The way it happened, that just felt contrived. If Sombra had put the super-bridle on her after she refused, then it would have felt a little less like a forced "I'll jump on the grenade" scene.
Overall, I'd say this is a good point to end on.
GOSH, I JUST GOT HOSED TWICE! Can you do that? Get hosed twice?
Spike Luna has a gift for you...
Rainbow Dash has Tank, Pinkie Pie has Gummy, I have you.
What about Twilight?
She's still a work in progress.
HEY! THAT'S MY LINE!
This was a hell of a story. Not much into the dark stuff but Damn what a ride.
Well, I always like stories where the protagonists sacrifice themselves to help achieve victory over the evil, at great cost to themselves; I would hate that Rarity or Twilight recover from this too soon if at all. Still I think the confrontation was mostly pretty epic if I wasn't at all expecting such a battle at all to happen in this story. I was mostly expecting just an extraction of Twilight and Rarity by Luna, not a showdown between Good and Evil. Still I wander what sort of creature the coupling between a dog and alicorn would have produced if anything at all or that Sombra could have used and other slave pony instead. Still I wander why Sombra didn't use the same method to corrupt the pony slaves instead of using the dogs method to convert condition them; that difference is there between the two methods. Still I wander what will happen to the Lunar dogs want what other effect the collars have on them. I wander how those brittles where spread out or lost by the dogs, did they gave them away to other tribes? I thing the intended sadness of the sacrifice of the minds of the two mare was good, but I somehow wasn't in a mood to feel sad about it for some reason, probably just tired. it was a good read all in all, I can't wait to see the epilogue.
7694032 Sombra would have used a captive stallion to breed with Luna or Twilight. At least for the purposes of creating a foal for his use.
My Twaifu!!!
Rarity's song, though... prickly hairs all over, that was perfect.
I think I feel most sorry for Luna, of everyone in the final scene. That poor mare already has guilt issues; this certainly isn't going to help her any.
This was a nice climax to the story, I think the fact that Raarg gave control over Valiente to Luna to make it possible for her to attack Sombra was really clever. However there's a few things that bugged me:
-There's a lot of exposition in this chapter. Now that's not really a bad thing, it was interesting to learn about Sombra's plans. But there was also quite a bit of unnecessary exposition. For example, I would've cut the whole part explaining how "ritual magic" worked to justify Luna's long distance teleporting. We already got a good glimpse of how it worked in the last chapter, and it seemed kinda out of place and not important here compared to the Sombra-scenes. I know you did it to build up suspense for Twilight's answer, but I think it would've been better if Luna suddenly crashed the party without the reader seeing it coming beforehand.
-Why are Twilight and escpecially Rarity suddenly experts at fighting? Just because they are the main characters in this story doesn't justify them taking on the Diamond Dogs six-to-one no problem, especially since those dogs very likely had real fighting practice and experience.
-How the hell does Twilight know how long the bridle will need to take over her mind? And it's not even a rough estimate, she just says it'll take "no more than twenty-six minutes" That makes no sense, not only because she can't know the exact strength of the bridle, but she also wouldn't be able to know the exact power of her own mind. Plus the bridle was originally intended for Luna, which would make it even more impossible to determine the exact effects on Twilight. The only way this would make sense is if it would be somehow explained inside Twilight's mind (maybe Tabula Rasa as a seperate part of Twilight's mind told her or something?) but that didn't happen (sadly), so it just ends up looking weird that Twi is so well-informed about that bridle.
-I also found some spelling mistakes, but it seems like most of them have already been corrected. But I think there's one still left:
I wish I could've told you these things earlier, but since you ditched me as a proofreader, I guess this will have to do.
7695857
First off, I owe you an apology. Damaged has been proofreading for me in real time and it really is invaluable to be able to converse back and forth with the proofreader while they are doing it. I thought I had sent you a message letting you know Damaged was taking over. I obviously hadn't, I should have double checked or at least made sure you had replied to be sure you had gotten a message.
Second. Both Twilight's magic combat ability and Rarity's physical combat ability are both well documented in the show. I may have cheated a bit by making her training formalized but Rarity has physically engaged in combat more than once. Starting with the second episode of the series itself.
As for Twilight being able to accurately estimate the bridle's effects on her. This is Twilight Sparkle after all. Even before her boost to alicorn status she was viewed as the most talented unicorn of her generation and one of the best researchers and theorists as well. If there was any pony that could have given the proper estimation. It is her.
Regarding the odds. Well, Twilight and Company have faced worse odds before. The battle in the square during the invasion of Canterlot is a prime example. Also, if it had just been Twi, Luna and Rarity, they probably would have surrendered and prayed for rescue. But with 300 dogs backing them up. Well, it was on.
Third, Luna showing up as she did. Considering how heavily I had established that teleportation into the Badlands was impossible I felt there had to be a big buildup to show that limitation being overcome. I felt that to do otherwise would just be me waving a magic wand. It's also why I limited Twilight's teleport to a position swap rather than a true teleport. And even that I phrased as "an impossible spell".
Exposition. No real choice. Sombra's plans had to be laid out somehow and my best idea was to have Twilight relate them back to Sombra while he gloated in true villain fashion.
Again, my apologies for not making sure I had messaged you that I was using Damaged as a proofreader. That must have stung somewhat and I'm sorry for causing you pain.
Dude, from that passage to the end I had a shift of emotion.
I went from reading a story to being a part of it.
I'm almost done, but what you've written I THIS CHAPTER will haunt me for weeks with what ifs and feels.
You've earned +50 to Ravenclaw!