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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You do keep slipping between American and British style for punctuation around quotes. I really recommend looking up some grammar guides (I do this myself from time to time), and practice practice practice!
As for the chapter itself, I would normally say that his (obviously years) of training and servitude were broken in less than an hour, but it IS Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, Sue of Mary. If rainbows, friendship, or magic can't solve a problem for her, it clearly isn't a problem with any solution at all. I am not sure if/how far you plan ahead your story, but I might suggest him needing repeated treatment, maybe the wounds opening up and re-breaking him, needing repeated work by Twilight, but of course each time he is freed he begs her to keep fighting for him. Would mean it is a little bit less of a 'magical alicorn healing' and more of a 'slow, long-term recovery'.
Anyhow, great work for a new writer, please continue!
7468562 I'm getting the feeling that if I can control that back and forth shift it will be what takes me from a beginning writer to an okay writer. I've figured out where it comes from though. I'm Canadian, so I was schooled heavily in British grammar forms. But, I spent many years flying a tech support/CSR desk for a couple of US companies (HP and eBay) so I had to write a lot of reports for an American audience. I think I need to recognize when I am shifting from one to the other and learn to control it.
Down the road it might be an interesting way to differentiate between different characters speech though.
As to how far I plan. I have a general overall outline of how I want things to go and a general idea of how to resolve things at the end. But other than that I tend to just sort of let things flow and then go back and re-write to make sure I keep things consistent and don't have to retcon anything. I do like your idea of this only being the beginning of Side Slip's recovery though. It definitely reduces the Mary Sue quotient and I have some real world family experiences to base things on.
I have to say I'm really appreciating your input. You've been a great help.
7469456 I am an Aussie myself, brought up with and taught all the lovely British English things. But alas, the world seems more and more American and, since I do freelance writing too, it is best for me to stick to "the standard" that nearly all of my readers and clients wish.
Basing story plots, or at least plot-points, on real life things is great, you already know what your characters will feel (to some extent), and likely already know enough about it to really push deep. I assume in this case the bridle themselves slowly wreck these wounds on the mind, in which case Rarity is in for a rough ride as she slowly becomes Valiente. The question will be, who is Valiente, who will her master make her into?
I write a daily blog for my readers to ignore, but some of them are occasionally mad enough to read it. Will point them over here in today's, your story deserves more views.
Edit: Also, groups are magic! Poked you into a few, based on what you have shown here already. That WILL pull new readers, and likely new comments and votes. Beware, do not fear downvotes unless they come with a comment telling you why they didn't like the story.
7470195 Thanks for poking into other groups. I'm still learning my way around the site mechanics as well. Just fyi, from this point on I'm likely going to be keeping my chapters relatively short. I still need to improve my proof reading. Especially as the next chapter or two will reveal a couple of essential plot points.
7470815 I highly suggest using LanguageTool grammar checker (I use it as a plugin in LibreOffice, but you can set it up for firefox and chrome too). And yeah, groups are a great way to get your stories out and into the browsers of new readers. 2-3k per chapter is where I tend to stay, keeps it neat, without being too big a bite to take of a reader's day.
I'm really excited to see more of this story, if it properly shows Rarity's journey into conditioning among other things, or if she will resist the entire way. You introduced another character to show a possible final result, but the journey, seeing it in action, is an interesting idea.
7470990
Yeah the politics behind this are nonsensical. If Celestia already knew about the slavery then how is there not already a war?
7471743 Eh, it's AU territory. Maybe they forgot about that particular aspect of the treaty, given the D-bag Dogs haven't been following its terms for like, ever.
Penalt, you've got me all anxious as to what's gonna happen to Rares. Good job!
7472265 Thank you. I consider that high praise considering this story is my first writing attempt. And you are bang on, the dogs ARE courting annihilation through their actions. However, there is method in their madness, though there may indeed be too much madness in their method.
7471743 One aspect to them is that Celestia doesn't know the frequency. Going to war, where many more ponies may be captured and/or killed, because the dogs are taking a pony every few years, might be a very bad idea. Not to mention that a war is not guaranteed to actually fee all the ponies already enslaved.
7472399 Well, the problem is they've basically kidnapped the political equivalent of a US Carrier Group. Equestria literally cannot let that stand; well, in any realistic political sense. But this is pony-magic-land, so... *shrug*
7472473 Not really. Rarity is an important pony, but she isn't thousands of people, she is one mare. A war, at least in a dark Equestria where such shenanigans as this happens, would not just be an alicorn coming down and declaring the dogs 'scattered'.
7472506 She's kind of one of the activation keys for the Equestrian's super-weapon Friendship Laser. They might want that back.
7472529 Or maybe this is a lesson for Twilight, to learn that sometimes a princess has to give up personal ties for the good of her nation.
7472577 I dunno, those personal ties are kind of essential to the safety of their nation.
7472691 Heh, the nation did quite well up until Twi and her friends suddenly were there to defend everything. *smells a protection racket*
7482203 Well that's just cause all the monsters were on a 1000-year cooldown timer!
7484181 Ah, well things are fine then, they are back on those cooldowns! Diamond dogs, have at it!
Chapter 4 is primarily done as of about 10 minutes ago but I'm going to spend a couple of days editing, proof reading and formatting. Hopefully getting it right.
Man this story sends shivers up my spine. Just how rarity going to have to fight for her own identycagoant dark magic yikes