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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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... IF they manage to piss off Twilight, the Dogs will find themselves in much dire strates than they are now, considering, that Twi in a rage probably can cast Tireks spells, and rip the magic from any creature with magical potential that she meets, and then use that to attack her enemies. the Dogs would be fighting a demi-goddess, I imagine.
Okay, think I am getting a better grip on the two reflections of Rarity. The way Valiente was first introduced made her sound like a construct of the halter, rather than just a slightly different aspect of Rarity herself. Like the halter had grabbed and tore away all the bits of Rarity it wanted her to be, and built Valiente in her head.
While it would have been nicer to see the undoing of this once-noble diamond dog. The death of their parents seemed little out of nowhere. One part you missed was when Rarity kept saying Valiente in her "submissive reply", there was no mention of the halter's use of the name to affect more change.
Doing great for a first story, still. Keep pushing yourself and you will get better!
I feel like this falls into the common trap that asserts that just because a person enjoys BDSM that there is also a part of them that is ok with being physically and/or emotionally raped just because it's BDSM-y rape.
This is also pretty much why 50 shades is such a shit book. Well, other than that the writing is bad (which this isn't). But people need to understand that consent is a fucking tenet of such a lifestyle.
7597601 Valiente is indeed a part of Rarity's personality. It's just that the bridle made that part of her stronger and is trying to make that part be the main part of Rarity's personality. And you're right. I should have mentioned the bridle in this chapter being why Valiente is manifesting to Rarity in a semi-conscious state.
With Raarg, I've been trying to show his slow descent from decent being doing a job he hates to become as dark as the task. I guess I didn't hit the mark on that. The death of Raarg and Long Strider's parents was meant to be the final bit that breaks Raarg's morality. The senselessness and suddenness of it being a body blow he could not prepare for.
Thanks for the helpful feedback![:twilightblush:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightblush.png)
7597661 To be fair, it is the halter doing that to Rarity, even Valiente seemed to think that what was happening—the lack of consensual partners—was horrible and she expressed a desire to not be free.
7597715
Meh, didn't really see any evidence of that from the last chapter.
If it's supposed to be her Id or whatever I'd expect a full blown flight response from that too.
I think some people just like the idea of rape victims subconsciously enjoying it.
7597661
More than once I've had Rarity say that BDSM might be something she would like in a safe setting with a trusted individual. She is definitely not okay with things happening without her consent. If I've poorly written that so it seems she likes what is happening to her against her will, my apologies.
7597701
I think the problem is that it was a personal loss for a character we don't know especially personally. Did we even know anything about his family?
I thought he was being tortured by Luna, to be honest. That seemed more plausible, connected to the plot, and raised questions of blame if Luna acting on her own pushed him to this. But her going back on her word wouldn't track with her character I guess.
7597760
I just really don't like your Valiente persona. It cheapens the strong character you're trying to build and portray.
I am overly blessed/cursed with good critics.![:pinkiecrazy:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiecrazy.png)
But seriously, all of you, thanks. You make me better.
Maybe to put it better, the internal struggle should be about summoning the will not to break.
The way it is written it looks like a struggle not to submit because of how aroused it's making her.
7597768 Fair enough.
If you are willing I'd appreciate a PM with any ideas you might have on how I could have done better. Seriously, I'd appreciate the input.
7597761
Okay, good point about Raarg's parents. I wanted something jarring because I felt it was needed to give a reason why Raarg made that last step into darkness. If you've got a suggestion where I could have done better I'm open.
Annnnnd so much for my decision from last chapter to not reply to comments except by PM. /facehoof.
7597805
Sure - i will try to do that but i don't know what kind of timeline you have.
7597805
There's nothing wrong with it being a death in his family other than our lack of connection to them. Didn't he give some speech about his people dying or falling to ruin or something? If we'd had hints that his family was personally suffering this might have worked better, particularly if it was hinted that he was motivated by one member in need in particular. Obviously he wouldn't just share it outright, but Rarity questioned how he could be doing such horrible things (if I'm remembering right), and their relationship is kind of personal, so just changing a conversation to have her press just a bit further, and him at least start to share something personal, might be enough.
7597805
I agree with Bjorn regarding the latest chapter seeming like more resisting arousal than being broken. The cocoon was straight fetish fuel, and Rarity didn't even seem especially upset by it, so it was weird that this was portrayed as her nearly giving in; "the sex was so good so I must obey" feels more like cheap porn logic, which is weird after the pretty believable breaking they've done with the shock collar and having her practice obedience.
Personally I like the sensory deprivation fetish stuff, but it just didn't feel like it belonged alongside the other work they've done to break her in. I think all it needs, though, is a reason for her to associate this submissive pleasure with obedience/loyalty to her master, and to upgrade the spanks to something clearly uncomfortable. You could do so much to accomplish this while maintaining the fetish nature. Persistent heat/cold, or just harsher physical strikes, could make it agonisingly long punishment for her, followed by Raarg providing comforting whispers in one ear to Valiente, or giving her cuddles/petting. The loss of a sense of time could also be made apparent (don't let her be told the duration of her cocooning), so we know she might feel this is unending until she breaks.
7597941 Okay, good stuff, thanks. I was really trying to avoid "torture porn" and I guess I went too far in the other direction.
7598869 Doge as in Dodge City due this being in the Badlands like the Old West.
Actually, the saying is "When you dance with the Devil, you wait for the song to stop."![:ajsmug:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/ajsmug.png)
7600209
I was quoting Max California in the movie '8MM'. The full quote is "You're welcome. Pops... If you dance with the devil, the devil don't change. The devil changes you."
7598836 I didn't even know this word exists
7601665 Sorry about that. One of the hazards of being an old fart is that we occasionally dredge up old bits of vocabulary. But 'genteel' means to be polite, refined, or respectable, often in an affected or ostentatious way. Which Rarity most certainly is.
7601853 I found out after google
I think a "he" went missing here, but on the other hoof Rares isn't entirely lucid either.![:twilightsmile:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png)
As for Raarg, I've wanted him to die gruesomely since he was introduced, so all this chapter does is reinforce that for me.![:rainbowlaugh:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowlaugh.png)