AppleJackSwagg
Joined 20th Jun, 2012 ·
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Hmmm... as a general rule, unless it's a second-person story, avoid "you" and use "one." And writing like this is generally accepted to be in the past tense. It's a narrative rather than running account, which would be first person. Each new speaker needs their own paragraph. The [End} tag seemed superfluous. And, there was at least one stray quotation mark. It has some kind of potential as a sexy comedy romp but it needs cleaning and polishing.
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thank you very much i really appreciate the critizism and what you are saying that i need to clarify if im talking in third person or first, cause im a little confused
A pre-reader could really help you out with the many spelling mistakes and past/present tense changes I see in here. There are many people on this site who would be happy to be your pre-reader. Just search "pre-readers" in "groups" and you'll find said people. Hope this does well, kudos.
I read your story, and made some notes and criticisms as I went along. Please note that these are not meant to offend you; they're just flaws, or things that can be done to improve the story.
1. Whenever someone new speaks, you should start a new paragraph. This makes it easier for readers to tell who is speaking.
2. Some minor spelling and grammatical errors. You used sites instead of sights, and capitalized Smiled in the first paragraph.
3. You switch between past and present tense often. Keep it in the same tense. You shouldn't switch between them at all, let alone in the same paragraph.
4. As already mentioned, the [End] is unnecessary. Anyone semi-literate can tell that that's the end of a chapter without the tag.
5. Detecting a lot more spelling mistakes as the story progresses. Try having someone good with spelling and grammar to look over your story; don't just rely on spellcheck - you still have real words, just not the right ones. A spellchecker won't pick up on that.
6. The Apple in Apple family needs to be capitalized, seeing as it's a proper name.
7. Originally you said Big Mac was the same size and bluffness (assuming you mean buffness) as your character. Then, a few paragraphs later, you say your character is buffer than him. That makes no sense.
8. You shouldn't end a chapter in the middle of someone's sentence. I get that you wanted to have a cliffhanger, but there are better ways to do it.
9. The second paragraph of the 4th chapter is just a complete mess. You only mention Rainbow Dash's name, and then refer to 3 other ponies as She. This is a good reason why the rule I pointed out in 1. exists; it would be much easier to tell what was happening if each pony spoke in a different paragraph. Oh, and you used angle instead of angel for the second time. And while we're on this paragraph, how exactly does one "let out a cute while blushing"?
10. It's spelled Zecora, not Zercoars.
11. The Cakes wonder how your character will pay rent, but then a few sentences later, they say he doesn't need to pay rent. Again, this doesn't make sense.
12. Your dialogue during the romance is pretty bad. If I was with someone, and they literally said "Oh my Erica I'm getting turned on kiss me some more", I would laugh my ass off. The clop is pretty short and lacks description as well. Also, if you're hitting her womb, I'm pretty sure you're in too deep. And I'm also pretty sure she'd be in pain, rather than a state of pleasure.
13. Judging from the story, your character seems like a bit of a Mary Sue. I mean, he comes to Ponyville, and 4 ponies are attracted to him right away (Twilight, Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Applejack), and presumably you're going to make Trixie hopelessly obsessed with him too. OCs being paired with members of the mane cast CAN be done well, but when an OC just shows up and has prettymuch everyone instantly interested in them, that's incredibly cliched and a sign of Sue-ness. The entire story seems to me to be a self insert fantasy where you have your 4 favourite ponies in love with you, and willing to have sex with you.
Overall, needs a ton of work, but at least it's readable. I recommend seeking out a prereader, as others have suggested.
Yangus from Dragon Quest 8 is all I think of
You turned me into a.... COR BLIMEY!!!
roboawesome.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/yangus.jpg
fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2010/012/c/2/Moar_Krabs_Hope_Poster_by_jared811111.jpg
784182 I agree with all that has been said here
MY GOD! THE ORIGINALITY! THE REALISM! #sarcasm
someone had to say it!
img0.joyreactor.com/images/templates/solo/no.jpg
static4.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/CHOO+CHOO+MOTHER+FUCKER+_fe673af2f21956749894a779ac6ad9cb.gif
Your OC... no...
i.imgur.com/ZV1z9.jpg
I think I saw this fic pretty soon after I signed up here, and it horrified me then. Let me tell you, your front page image and description alone fill me with dread. He gets the choice of four (sorry, 4) mares, whatever will he do? <insert wangst here> You know, your description makes it sound as if he's just walked up to an ice cream parlour and can't decide whether to have the chocolate, or the mint chocolate chip. I'm no feminist, but this sounds really freaking demeaning to the female characters involved. Good job mate. I'll assume that pseudo-rastafarian tit on the front page is Yangus, our hero for today... He looks so stoned in this image that I wonder why Fluttershy would ever be interested in him, but let's not judge a book its cover. Allons-y!
Now, onto the actual story. This introduction just grips me and makes me want to continue reading...
damn, could you have made the introduction any less interesting? You swap tenses from past to present and back to past by the second line of dialogue. Your OC just kind of turns up in Ponyville, then walks straight into Twilight. This feels pretty contrived, to be honest, as if it was only included to have our heroic stoner meet Twilight in one of the most cliche manners possible (helping her up off the floor). Not to mention, he is apparently a mind reader as he knows he bumped into 'Twilight' and not just a purple mare, despite not having met her before. Unless, of course, you managed to muck up the narrative and leap from limited third person into omniscient third person for a moment there. Meh.
Dialogue is pretty stilted, and honestly it pretty much seems like your OC has mind control lasers attached to his face, because the characters intended for his 'choice' just seem to go "oh, look at how pretty that sparkly colt is, I think I just creamed myself from looking at his face." etc, etc. Chapter seems really short, as well. Basically, everyone, including Stoner Boy here, seem incredibly shallow and just... glom onto each other to prop up their ailing personalities. You don't bother to start a new line whenever a different person speaks in a conversation, and in some cases don't bother with speech marks, making your already wooden dialogue a confusing clusterfuck. There are parts where I honestly have no clue who is talking to who.
Damn, this blows, and I haven't even made it onto the second chapter yet! I'm probably going to review this chapter by chapter, so without further ado, onto chapter 2.... yay
Hey there, guess who's back for chapter 2? If you guessed 'an interesting and original OC', well, you're stupid. This whole thing is so rushed that it honestly feels like a plot summary, more than anything. Here you fail at punctuation in many instances, particularly the dialogue with Fluttershy. It makes the dialogue sound very robotic and emotionless, because the usual emphasis and small pauses that people put into their speech aren't there. In fact, the entire piece so far suffers from poor sentence structure and flow. This fic can pretty much only be read in a flat monotone, as such.
The description is lacking, as it was in chapter 1, and now I'll tell you why.
'it reminded him of seeing a old western movie where the hero was held up in a cottage surrounded by thugs and thieves .' - your words used to describe Fluttershy's cottage. What does this tell us about how the cottage looks? Jack, that's what. I picture a generic western cottage surrounded by generic thugs, backlit by a setting sun. It's somewhere in generic wild west Texas. What does this have to do with Fluttershy's cottage? Absolutely nothing. It's annoying and you do this kind of meandering, almost tautological descriptions with pretty much every location. They always remind Stoner of something completely unrelated and often quite boringly generic.
'It reminded him of a bedtime story his mom used to read to him, it was the saddest story he ever heard.' - Why is this even included? It adds nothing to Stoner's personality, it doesn't tell us anything new about the barn, and it doesn't even tell us what the story was about. Basically, it's utterly devoid of information, an attempt to make a boring and shallow OC seem like he has backstory.
The part where Fluttershy tells him she and her animals could sing him a song (mind control lasers ftw!) immediately made me think of Shed.mov, for obvious reasons... it kinda makes me hope that this whole thing will be a shaggy dog story leading up to Yangus having his brain eaten by Psychoshy, to be honest. Oh wait, he has no personality to speak of, so I doubt he has much grey matter to chow down on
.
Other than that, general spelling mistakes, poor grammar, OOC, characters falling in love with the OC at first sight... the usual crap, pretty much. Onwards to chapter 3!
Yeehaw! Time to meet the Apple family! How will our heroic stoner manage to worm his way into Applejack's... plot? Suspense! Drama! Excitement! Nope.avi
.
We open this chappy to boring descriptions of prominent members of the Apple family, starting with Granny Smith. So many run on sentences make this entire paragraph a snoozefest. Derpy description of Big Mac, comparing his physique to Yangus, allows us to clearly picture both ponies... oh wait, it doesn't, my mistake.
so very much. 'an orange like colour'? Why not just say 'She had orange eyes'? It sounds so awkward. Most of the problems with choppy, poorly constructed sentences noted in my previous posts continue here. This fic really looks like it was put together by an eight year old, taking their ideas about their crush on Nancy across the road and glomming them together with the most annoying parts of fimfiction... It's that kind of shallow, poorly thought out plot that makes you wonder why the writer bothered.
Seriously, due to the poor writing, it feels like I've read nearly 50k words, when really I've read less than 1/10th of that. It drags. And nothing has even happened yet! All we've seen is OOC Twilight taking time out of her cluttered and busy schedule to lead a stoner around Ponyville. They've met her friends, and exchanged a few lines of awkward and boring dialogue with each. Why am I supposed to be reading this again?
Because I'm a masochist, apparently.
Oh, look, Applejack and Yangus exchange wuv hearts after seconds of meeting each other! How sweet! I can't wait to see this overwhelming sexual and romantic tension come to a head!
Hurk, excuse me for a moment. Romance needs chemistry, and quite often an undercurrent of sexual tension, or at the very least romantic tension (will they or won't they? Slap-slap-kiss, etc). That needs to be put down on paper. This... is about as deep a love as 'I love chocolate chip cookies'. Same for every other love interest in this wreck. They meet, and the good old mind control lasers kick in, and suddenly we're supposed to believe they love each other? Fuck that noise. That's lust, at absolute best. Urgh, this is going to be another one of those loathsome pieces of work written by cretins who mistake lust for love, isn't it?
Look, if you're going to write romance, you need to build up more. This is... well, it's not romance. It may qualify for slice-of-life so far, but even that implies that the mundane activity is made interesting. It's really, really boring, and I can't justify spending more time reviewing another chapter of this. It's quite immature in its outlook and the main character is an obvious self insert, what with all the vicarious ego stroking that goes on. He gets four passive 'love' interests to choose from, the narrative goes out of its way to point out he has a workout partner, and his physique is repeatedly compared favourably to Big Mac's... He's not a massive 'Stu, but he's completely lacking in character traits beyond his ability to make his voice 'sexy' and being vaguely polite. In other words, he's a boring, soulless shell of a character, devised entirely to fulfil the author's fantasy of having women lust after him.
No reason to continue reading, really. There may be some kind of golden comedy opportunity later on, but this thing is making me feel ill right now, and that takes priority. Good luck and all with fixing this thing, you've got a hell of a task on your hands. Maybe giving Stoner some actual inner monologue beyond useless 'this reminds him of X/Y/Z' observations would make him more interesting to read about... You definitely need to rewrite this so that there is some actual romance to it, rather than just 'oh he's pretty *creams plot*' etc. Until that point, let Rarity's face sum up my feelings for this fic...
I am seriously debating whether or not to venture in here. OCs/Self-inserts are only done correctly if you include flaws.
"It takes great courage to look at oneself honestly..."
-Nyx
Please, try to include flaws. I haven't even read this, but judging from everyone's comments, it seems
1. Lazy
2. Unoriginal
3. Rushed
4. Gary Stu/Mary Stu
Let the hammer fall...
Can Yangus teach me how to find a sweetheart? I'm looking for a boyfriend free girl anywhere between the ages of 18-30. She must be good looking to hot, no slow in the minds or stupid girls need apply.
Whoa, whoa, whoa... HOLD UP!
You're trying to tell me that THIS:
oi47.tinypic.com/14nd9na.jpg
Is attractive?
He looks like a frail, homeless Rastafarian junkie with dried semen all over his face and terrible acne.
I don't think that those who have never had intercourse should EVER attempt to write about something you've only ever experienced through pornhub and other free smut that you've managed to grasp your slimy hands around.
Romance needs progression and BUILD-UP, which you have failed at hysterically. I don't know what kind of whore town you live in, but most women have alittle restraint, self-respect, and fucking class, than just suddenly deciding to fuck a RANDOM STRANGER. When comes the scene where they have to abort the unwanted fetus?
Wait, I'm not entirely convinced about your sexism. Maybe we can make the main characters MORE terribly shallow, and MORE slutty.