With nothing to his name but an old explosives detonator and a blank flank, Cataclysmic Peace travels the wasteland looking for his place in life. But a dark side haunts Cataclysm causing destruction to be spawned in his hoofsteps. With a good heart however Cataclysm carries on, helping those he finds in need.
The human tag is for a story arc much later in the story.
This story is based on the universe created by Kkat in her story Fallout Equestria along with some elements of other stories including Somber's FoE: Project Horizons
Chapters (3)
If the main characters were voiced, what would they sound like?
8028214 Hmm. I made Peace and Cataclysm with similar voices. Think slightly optimistic but dead inside teenager.
edit - and after realizing how that only gives a tone, try a midwestern American accent.
Here's my thoughts on this. I did end up with must of this post being editing(sorry
) After you read this, you can delete it, if you want. I won't mind.
First impression, after reading description: Eh, doesn't sound too interesting, but I'll give it a chance.
Impression after the prologue: This is getting interesting already. Some good concepts here.
Impression after chapter one: Many interesting parts, but many of the ideas seem kind of disjointed, like they are pieces of a puzzle that don't quite fit that way, but would fit well in another.
What follows is my reactions/grammar nazi-ing of your story as I read it.
Hellsing: Ultmiate Abridged reference?
The bit I quoted above was fairly confusing. I'm not sure when, in the timeline of this story, his mother ate a raider bullet.
You switched from past to present tense here.
Why are you having the MC talk about his best friend like a stranger? If you were going for 'cold shoulder', it came off, to me at least, as a bit confusing and odd.
The bold text is where you left out a word.
You have 'sometimes' twice, and you only need one here.
This is a run-on sentence, and could be broken up into two, possibly three, separate sentences.
Seems kinda redundant.
You left out the -ing.
Run-on sentence.
You got your point across with 'magic was wrong and strange' that it felt weird. This is just nitpicking, but saying 'feeling' seems like restating it.
Comma, please. Also, 'in' should be 'with', and I would cut down on the wordiness of the this description. Maybe find shorter way to say it that still gets your point across?
Bold text is a correction. Previously was 'my'.
There are better ways to phrase this. 'It took me a bit to find...'
Space after comma and before "Peace".
The chuckling seems to be at odds with the look, unless it is a nervous chuckle. If it is nervous, would be a good idea to say so at the start of the sentence, as it felt like a very abrupt change that completely threw my expectations for that sentence, based on how it started.
You have 'out' twice in the same sentence. While technically correct, I would recommend changing the first one to 'through'.
Don't know if it was intentional, but it seems like the above was the sender's thoughts, not what they wanted to say to the pony that they were sending it to.
This basically restates the same thing 3 times, that he is following quietly.
Those are two options.
Conclusion: You have some good ideas here, and I believe that, with more practice writing, you could make it into a great story.
8124032
Goddesses, you sound almost exactly like my old editor. (she would leave edit suggestions all over the google doc so I would receive an unimaginably long email afterward. she left part way through chapter 1 because she needed to focus on school) Thanks for the feedback though. I kinda realized that the whole story was a mess while writing chapter 2 so I rewrote the prologue and started on rewriting chapter 1 while reanalyzing the story for unnecessary parts. What you wrote will be an immense help when I can sit down and start writing again as the first chapters will have similar wording to their predecessors. Thanks!
(sorry for the paragraph long response. I don't say anything unless I have a lot to say about it.)