Leaning back in my chair. I stare at the blinking cursor on my desktop. A feeling of pride wells within me as I gaze upon the first chapter of my handiwork. The power of inspiration still pulsing through my veins, I quickly make a new document and begin typing up a storm, my fingers flying faster than an Orochi with a speed boost. (bad for honor joke is bad) A good guy with a questionable and mysterious partner. A dangerous sprint through a forest. A run in with slavers who capture the main character...
Who is in Pseudo-Power armour...
Of my creation...
...
Goddesses dammit
Why do I miss things like this?
Oh well, guess I'll just go fix this in the 1st chapter
AAAANNND I forgot I published that.
Oh hey! 130 views. That's pretty good.
Hmm. 2 favourites. yes, yes. Thank you for favouriting.
Hmm. No comments? that's a little disheartening
oh...
That...
That's a very large plot hole. Hmm.
Yeah...
You know...
Maybe it would be easier to just rewrite all of it from scratch... I guess.
Well, expect the new chapters soon Internet cuz' here they come!
...
Eventually
If the main characters were voiced, what would they sound like?
8028214 Hmm. I made Peace and Cataclysm with similar voices. Think slightly optimistic but dead inside teenager.
edit - and after realizing how that only gives a tone, try a midwestern American accent.
Here's my thoughts on this. I did end up with must of this post being editing(sorry ) After you read this, you can delete it, if you want. I won't mind.
First impression, after reading description: Eh, doesn't sound too interesting, but I'll give it a chance.
Impression after the prologue: This is getting interesting already. Some good concepts here.
Impression after chapter one: Many interesting parts, but many of the ideas seem kind of disjointed, like they are pieces of a puzzle that don't quite fit that way, but would fit well in another.
What follows is my reactions/grammar nazi-ing of your story as I read it.
Hellsing: Ultmiate Abridged reference?
The bit I quoted above was fairly confusing. I'm not sure when, in the timeline of this story, his mother ate a raider bullet.
You switched from past to present tense here.
Why are you having the MC talk about his best friend like a stranger? If you were going for 'cold shoulder', it came off, to me at least, as a bit confusing and odd.
The bold text is where you left out a word.
You have 'sometimes' twice, and you only need one here.
This is a run-on sentence, and could be broken up into two, possibly three, separate sentences.
Seems kinda redundant.
You left out the -ing.
Run-on sentence.
You got your point across with 'magic was wrong and strange' that it felt weird. This is just nitpicking, but saying 'feeling' seems like restating it.
Comma, please. Also, 'in' should be 'with', and I would cut down on the wordiness of the this description. Maybe find shorter way to say it that still gets your point across?
Bold text is a correction. Previously was 'my'.
There are better ways to phrase this. 'It took me a bit to find...'
Space after comma and before "Peace".
The chuckling seems to be at odds with the look, unless it is a nervous chuckle. If it is nervous, would be a good idea to say so at the start of the sentence, as it felt like a very abrupt change that completely threw my expectations for that sentence, based on how it started.
You have 'out' twice in the same sentence. While technically correct, I would recommend changing the first one to 'through'.
Don't know if it was intentional, but it seems like the above was the sender's thoughts, not what they wanted to say to the pony that they were sending it to.
This basically restates the same thing 3 times, that he is following quietly.
Those are two options.
Conclusion: You have some good ideas here, and I believe that, with more practice writing, you could make it into a great story.
8124032
Goddesses, you sound almost exactly like my old editor. (she would leave edit suggestions all over the google doc so I would receive an unimaginably long email afterward. she left part way through chapter 1 because she needed to focus on school) Thanks for the feedback though. I kinda realized that the whole story was a mess while writing chapter 2 so I rewrote the prologue and started on rewriting chapter 1 while reanalyzing the story for unnecessary parts. What you wrote will be an immense help when I can sit down and start writing again as the first chapters will have similar wording to their predecessors. Thanks!
(sorry for the paragraph long response. I don't say anything unless I have a lot to say about it.)