SlayGuy295
Joined 5th Dec, 2014 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I think the Idea you've had was nice. Gaining more insight on how the events led to the crystal wars alternate timeline in "The Cutie Re-Mark".
At least that's the feeling I've got.
Sadly, you're constantly switching from past to present tense throughout the whole text as wells as doing some other grammatical errors.
But the points I found most confusing were :
- Why do Rainbow's parent think or fear that she might become a criminal, that she might try to steal something?
It's nice that they're overly protective about the well-being of their daughter but this might be a little far-fetched.
- Why does Rainbow immediatly know who King Sombra is?
Well okay, it's another timeline so maybe Celestia didn't hold back information about the Crystal Empire there but it still confused me a little bit.
6988358 Rainbow Dash hide some information about what happened in the past. Like every little kids, they always believe violence is the answer and if they want something so bad, then they just take it. Most important, Rainbow Dash may pick a fight with the two colts who kept messing with her and led to her being in trouble.
There's also about King Sombra information that mostly everyone believes that's real or fake. Like they told a scary made up story about him to young children. Somehow, most ponies spend the story about King Sombra, but mostly everyone choose to not believe it.
6988999
Hmm, okay. Maybe you could've explained these facts a little bit further by gaining more insight in Rainbow's past after the lost race. For example mentioning her thoughts or beliefs via an inner monologue or something like that. As for the stealing, I don't quite get it. Especially with the "like every little kids"-thing. Sounds to me like a too big generalization.
She has been homeschooled so I guess her parents also taught her about certain set of moral values since they love her.
The thing with the background information about Sombra makes sense, now that you've explained it. It would've been nice if it were in the story though. You could've lengthened that a little bit more by mentioning that Rainbow has heard about him in stories, fairy tales and never thought that they were true and add bit more of an shocking moment.
But as I said, that's just what confused me. Maybe others see it otherwise. Sorry for being critical.
Shots fired!!!!!!!!!!
So that explains why dash had a metal wing and a half ear in the season 5 finale
This story isn’t bad
Here is my grading scale:
10/10: might make a fanfic reading or an audio drama of this on my YouTube channel
9/10: still might make a reading on my YouTube channel, but probably not an audio drama.
8/10: adding this to my big favorites library
7/10: adding this to my favorites library, not the big faves
6/10: definitely coming back to this in the future.
5/10: might come back.
4/10: might come back once or twice
3/10: definitely not coming back
2/10: giving criticism about the story
1/10: hating the story overall
Here is my final grade for this story: 7/10