Stephen Colbert Saves Equestria

by ObeySaturnGod

Chp 1: Where We Stand

Twilight and Celestia burst out of the tent and found themselves underneath the bright, early morning sun, though its joyful nature was diminished by the situation at hand. All around them were tents similar to the one they had just run out of, though theirs was the biggest, considering it was the princess’ tent. The camp was located on a large field between Canterlot and Ponyville, the gleaming towers of the former sticking out of the mountainside. Since the camp was situated on the Canterlot end of the field, the only thing anyone could see in the direction of Ponyville was the foreboding tree line of the Everfree Forest. There came cries and conversation from all over the camp, but a good deal of ponies had gathered just in front of the two. Pegasi ponies hovered above their earth bound compatriots, and a patch of perfectly manicured dark hair could be glimpsed now and then through their wings.

Celestia and Twilight had to shove their way past the ponies hoping for a chance to meet with the bizarre creature, eventually meeting up with him in the center of the ring of ponies. His eyes were still hidden behind his set of sunglasses. “Hey, girls!” He said with a friendly tone when he caught sight of them. “I was off to take care of that bear problem when I got rushed by these ponies.” He chuckled. “Guess I can’t get away from the crowds.”

The two ponies were stunned by just how well he was taking the entire situation. “Stephen,” Celestia asked sternly, “do you understand the severity of the situation?”

“Of course! You two have a bear problem, I’m a bear problem solver!” His teeth were visible in his wide grin, each one like a self-contained sun, their gleam was so magnificent. “You worry too much. I’ll just pop in, round up a few new pelts for my collection, and be on my merry way.” He turned to the adoring crowd and waved, eliciting cheers from those in the front row.

Twilight pulled Celestia away from the star struck human and conversed quietly with her. “I don’t think he knows exactly what we’re dealing with, Celestia.”

Celestia took a quick look at Stephen and agreed. “That much is for certain, though he more than makes up for it with his enthusiasm. If he is indeed who we hope he is, then he very well may be our last hope.” She glanced around at the crowd of exuberant ponies, noting that they seemed happier now than they had been ever since their Ursa troubles started. “We must get him away from these prying eyes.” Twilight nodded in agreement, her horn lighting up in a purple aura. Stephen, who was in the middle of autographing a piece of paper for a particularly zealous aquamarine unicorn with a pen he procured from his suit, was enveloped in the same purple magic, and a second later, vanished from sight. The pen dropped and the paper floated down to the ground, much to the dismay of the unicorn.

Celestia stood to her full height, easily dwarfing the earth bound ponies and even some of the lower hanging pegasi. “Attention, my little ponies,” she belted, “please go back to your positions! All will be explained in due time!” There were disappointed groans throughout the crowd, but they all dispersed without incident. Sighing with relief, Celestia swiftly returned to her tent, making sure that none of her subjects got the sudden urge to investigate just what their leader had hidden.

“Really, all you had to do was ask,” came Stephen’s unmistakable voice, a hint of annoyance over its usually joyful tone. “I hate leaving a crowd hanging.” He brushed a speck of dust from his suit.

“Of course,” Twilight said, trying to keep him from rushing back out to the adoring masses, “but you need to wait here, at least until we get everything sorted out.” She caught sight of Celestia and her face lit up, relieved that she wouldn’t have to contain the universe’s most glorious creature alone.

“She is correct, Stephen. You’ve already made enough commotion as is, and until we know exactly what we’re going to do with you, it would be best to keep you out of sight.” She peeked outside and, when satisfied that they were going to be left alone, floated one of the discarded books on the ground over to him.

“What’s this?” He asked as he took it from her magical grasp. Celestia telekinetically flipped the book open to a page with the image of a translucent, dark blue Ursa.

“That is what we are facing.”

Stephen regarded the picture for a moment before looking back at Celestia. “Ursa Minors?”

Twilight walked over and flipped the page, revealing another Ursa, though this one was purple in color and, given the reference points in the picture, much larger than the previous one. “This,” she began, placing a hoof on the page, “is what the real problem is. An army of Minors, led by this Major.”

Stephen stared at the picture, taking in every detail of the monstrous beast. “Amazing, that’s the second biggest bear I’ve ever seen in my life!” Celestia and Twilight shared a baffled look, to which Stephen replied, “Trust me, you don’t want to know about the biggest one. Suffice to say that particular day ended in plenty of ruined suits and one heck of a decorative carpet.”

“Um, right…” Twilight said, ignoring the reminiscing human. “Your previous exploits aside, this is serious. There’s a reason for all the tents you saw out there.”

“I am afraid that’s correct.” Celestia pulled the book from Stephen’s hands and floated over a dusty and wrinkled scroll. He unrolled it to find a map of Equestria and the surrounding lands. “Several days ago, a few of the pegasi from the weather team of Ponyville reported a vast gathering of Ursa Minors west of the Ponyville.” She pointed the location of the Ursas out on the map for him. “They continued east, until eventually arriving at the town. Luckily, we were able to evacuate everyone from there before the Ursas could make contact. What you saw out there were the evacuees from Ponyville, plus the royal army.”

“Hmm… I assume they’re still there?”

Celestia shook her head. “Worse. A few of the pegasi sent out on recon have reported that they are continuing their march eastwards.”

“We have sentries flying around out there, watching for any sign of them,” Twilight chimed in, “but so far, they’re still moving through the forest. Based on my calculations, I estimate we have a day, maybe a day and a half before they reach our camp.” Twilight finished her thoughts to find one Mr. Colbert lost deep in contemplation. “Uh, Mr. Colbert?”

Stephen’s head jerked up, his thoughts lost in whatever humans thought of. “Oh, sorry girls, I was just wondering how I’m going to make a cape out of that Ursa pelt.” His words drew only unbelieving stares from the two ponies now questioning whether or not all humans crafted apparel from creatures big and small. “I’m only joking!” he confessed, although he was still secretly deciding just how ‘in’ the constellation look was that season.

“This is no time for jokes, Stephen. Ursas are terrible creatures, capable of destroying an entire building with a single step.”

“So you’re in the middle of a regular Thursday?”

“What?” Once again, the ponies couldn't appreciate his impeccable humor.

“Never mind,” he said, waving the funnies away with his hand, “I get the picture. Bears bad, ponies good, go smash bears.”

“That’s it in a nutshell.” Twilight deadpanned.

“If you are truly who you say you are, Mr. Colbert, then you must help us overcome this menace.”

“Princess, I’m everything everyone says I am, everywhere, everytime.” The undeniable truth of this sentence was enough to satisfy the princess, even though she didn’t actually know it at the time. Her subconscious had been overwhelmed by the sheer essence that Stephen Colbert expelled at all times. Later historians would call this essence ‘Colbertness’, and with its discovery and subsequent transformation into usable energy, all poverty, crime, and war would be eradicated from the universe.

But that’s a story for another day.

Compelled by the force she didn’t understand, Celestia could do nothing but agree with the strangely compelling human. “Alright, Stephen, I believe you are who we were looking for. I just hope you know what you’re getting into. Twilight, assemble the other Elements. I believe it is time they met Mr. Colbert.”

Comments

[DaughterScrewball]

Wow this must have been posted right before i logged in because it says 0 views. Anyway, another amazing chapter i just wish you would update more

[ObeySaturnGod]

1008593

Like I've said, I'm feeling pretty good about writing right now, so there should be more updates in the near future.

[Awesomedude17]

The number one threat to America...is BEARS!

[Kiranos]

Goddamn, this story always makes me chuckle

[HighTreason25]

DO IT! THE CONSTELLATION LOOK IS THE NEW BLACK!

[BronyFTW]

The pure awesomeness of Lord Colbert will surely be enough to destroy these silly bears. How WILL he make a cape out of an Ursa Major pelt?

[Donraj]

Would really like to see more of this!

[Donraj]

Cancelled? Aww. A pity. This story was as awesome as if Batman were to kill Superman and eat his heart so as to gain Superman's great powers and then flew up into the air to have man-sex with Chuck Norris for several hours.