Eric accepts an offer of off-campus residence at the Pie’s rock farm in exchange for physical labor and other help around the house. A certain soft-spoken, incredibly shy yet cute mare named Marble makes everything that much better.
OK, this chapter was very sweet. It's nice that those two finally reciprocated their feelings for one another and the make out session was sexy, though I'm curious as to how Marble's family would react with Marble and Eric falling for each other. Thanks for the chapter.
This is a great story so far, having only read chapter 1 it seems very promising.
However I have a couple of things to point out, grammar wise (all in chapter 1 of course):
His sleeves were rolled up to this elbows
Do you mean his?
were not entirely common in the Equestria just yet.
In only.
in his mind, a small trek down the hall to the room of a Marble Pie was in order.
Wasn't really sure about this one since I couldn't discern if this was intentional or not. (As in for some reason you decided that ''a Marble Pie'' was comedic.)Don't judge me please.
7080909 It's funny, after having read through these things time and time again to ensure accuracy and THESE mistakes still make it through. Goddamn. thanks for catching these
Another wonderful chapter. Starts relaxing, progresses quite well, and Marble really came out of her shell for Eric. That is the kind of trust he does NOT want to break. And when Marble realized what was happening and then panicked.. it was a bit of "oh, come on!" moment, but then again it perfectly fits her personality in your depiction. Not surprised it left her in such a state though
And then the end... heartmelt. That scene was just so sweet that I nearly turned into a being made of sugar myself. Great job
Hmm, with Marble suddenly spending every evening quietly in Eric's room for the past three weeks, my guess is that the family has been seeing it coming for a while now. Since they haven't interfered yet, I don't know if they will. Though I do expect a "Don't you ever hurt my daughter"-speech. But even if Marble's parents are not yet aware, than at the very least her sister Maud has to have noticed something, i think?
7085579 Most likely. Maud is very perceptive, but I think she will be alright with him and her sister. Limestone though, that's a different challenge entirely.
but the touch was all push needed to ignite their shared passions
This to me just doesn't sound right. Maybe it's correct but I don't really know. I felt the need to point it out nonetheless.
set of every single warning alarm
Maybe this should be ''set off''.
I believe "was all the push needed " would make it grammatically correct, though I would suggest "but the touch was all the push they needed to ignite their shared passions", because it's more clear and easier to read.
"Set off" is indeed with ff
Hope you don't mind me butting in. When I read I hardly ever notice these things, but when they're pointed out I to me I often know how to correct it. I'm weird that way. :)
Despite the occasional error here and there... This story is going in the right direction. To me, it feels extremely solid, and I love the development between Marble & Eric as of now. By all means, you deserve these mustaches.
Omg the reference at the end though! I liked how this could've turned into a great erotic roleplay too for other bronies/pegisisters out there.. Overall, 9/10 ; nothing can be perfect, but you mixed in a perfect scale of both romance and erotica romance!
Ahhhhhhh maaaaan, when it comes to shy grls and baggy clothes... its a seller for me, urf. I like that kind of look, baggy clothes, laid back, kinda shy, or possibly a tom boy... I love it! Man this was a fantastic chapter, and holy crap...
You write a make out scene... exceedingly well my friend, I could see it in my head and just... whew... amazing. *fans self*
Nicely done man! Still hopes for some Maud and Limestone on Eric
dude my imagination is not that great but it did really helped me when i read this chapter coz its really well written with such intentions of having the reader really visualize whats happening easily!
this chapter's quite steamy saying it bluntly and really good! more pie sisters!!!!! woot!
Hah! I like it. Good work, Flammy.
Very tantalizing. It's only going to be a matter of time before the others notice.
Absolutely outstanding story.......
OK, this chapter was very sweet. It's nice that those two finally reciprocated their feelings for one another and the make out session was sexy, though I'm curious as to how Marble's family would react with Marble and Eric falling for each other. Thanks for the chapter.
This is a great story so far, having only read chapter 1 it seems very promising.
However I have a couple of things to point out, grammar wise (all in chapter 1 of course):
Do you mean his?
In only.
Wasn't really sure about this one since I couldn't discern if this was intentional or not. (As in for some reason you decided that ''a Marble Pie'' was comedic.)Don't judge me please.
Anyway, of Marble Pie would be the correct way.
Great job again and continue with your work.
I lost it at the picture
God damn Fred!
NNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7080909 It's funny, after having read through these things time and time again to ensure accuracy and THESE mistakes still make it through. Goddamn. thanks for catching these
7081317 I believe less letters whould've done the job better.
7081493 Lolz.
vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/mlpfanart/images/3/3e/Twilight_human_clapping.gif/revision/latest?cb=20121219174006
7081317 I guessing you need more.
7082100 You don't say?
I was so sure it was Maud sneaking in, or Igneous.
And thus, the first step into their so much more intimate relationship was taken.
So quickly that she forgot the e.
Keksimus maximus.
Be careful what you wish for!
Not gonna lie, by "They" I thought you meant Igneous Pie and Cloudy Quartz.
Also, I lost it at that last picture. Well played.
Another wonderful chapter. Starts relaxing, progresses quite well, and Marble really came out of her shell for Eric. That is the kind of trust he does NOT want to break.
And when Marble realized what was happening and then panicked.. it was a bit of "oh, come on!" moment, but then again it perfectly fits her personality in your depiction.
Not surprised it left her in such a state though
And then the end... heartmelt. That scene was just so sweet that I nearly turned into a being made of sugar myself.
Great job
We'll see how long that lasts after Ignis finds out.
Is his subconscious stella???
7080800
7084249
Hmm, with Marble suddenly spending every evening quietly in Eric's room for the past three weeks, my guess is that the family has been seeing it coming for a while now. Since they haven't interfered yet, I don't know if they will. Though I do expect a "Don't you ever hurt my daughter"-speech. But even if Marble's parents are not yet aware, than at the very least her sister Maud has to have noticed something, i think?
Still really enjoying the story!!
7085579 I actually expect him to pick him up with one hand by his head and give him the "Father Stare."
7085579
Most likely. Maud is very perceptive, but I think she will be alright with him and her sister. Limestone though, that's a different challenge entirely.
It's me again with the corrections! I know, I know. I'm an annoying little shit.
Anyway, chapter 3:
This doesn't require any comma. So just ''the day proper.''
You goofed up on that one. Shouldn't it be ''pseudo-white noise''?
Marble's.
This to me just doesn't sound right. Maybe it's correct but I don't really know. I felt the need to point it out nonetheless.
Maybe this should be ''set off''.
Were.
This was a great chapter, I'm awaiting for more.
whens the next chapter coming??????
7087620
I believe "was all the push needed " would make it grammatically correct, though I would suggest "but the touch was all the push they needed to ignite their shared passions", because it's more clear and easier to read.
"Set off" is indeed with ff
Hope you don't mind me butting in. When I read I hardly ever notice these things, but when they're pointed out I to me I often know how to correct it. I'm weird that way. :)
The chapter may took some time, but it was definitely worth it.
Good work!
Despite the occasional error here and there... This story is going in the right direction. To me, it feels extremely solid, and I love the development between Marble & Eric as of now. By all means, you deserve these mustaches.
10/10 mustaches!
Omg the reference at the end though!
I liked how this could've turned into a great erotic roleplay too for other bronies/pegisisters out there..
Overall, 9/10 ; nothing can be perfect, but you mixed in a perfect scale of both romance and erotica romance!
Ahhhhhhh maaaaan, when it comes to shy grls and baggy clothes... its a seller for me, urf. I like that kind of look, baggy clothes, laid back, kinda shy, or possibly a tom boy... I love it! Man this was a fantastic chapter, and holy crap...
You write a make out scene... exceedingly well my friend, I could see it in my head and just... whew... amazing.
*fans self*
Nicely done man!
Still hopes for some Maud and Limestone on Eric
Kinda want to see the rest of the Pie family's reaction to their relationship. I imagine Limestone at least had picked something up by now
dude my imagination is not that great but it did really helped me when i read this chapter coz its really well written with such intentions of having the reader really visualize whats happening easily!
this chapter's quite steamy saying it bluntly and really good!
more pie sisters!!!!!
woot!
For someone who says they don't want to push the trust boundary, he sure is fixated on her body and how nicely she can wet his dick.
Hey, I'm not a hypocrite! I do check some of my girl friends' bodies out; but the way his inner voice sounds his intent... that's sorta creepy.
media.giphy.com/media/FXnrMuRAhehGM/giphy.gif
Marble is my second waifu Pie (Pinkie's the first, obviously)
woohoo!