Zapped Through The Heart

by Unbound Bass

So Many Ponies!!!

So Many Ponies!!!

---

"Oooo....I love stories!!!" Pinkie shouted ecstatically into Jeremy's facial region. The smell of cake was too powerful...it overpowered Jeremy...he...fainted, but before he was totally out he heard something quite hilarious...

"Good goin' Pinkie! Ya gone and killed 'em!"

---

Hours later

---

Jeremy opened his eyes slowly before being met with blinding light. He had no idea where he was. He did remember fainting from Pinkie's pleasant cake aroma.

"Um....girls....he's waking up..." A very VERY pleasant voice...and Jeremy knew exactly who it belonged to. Fluttershy. He sat up slowly, he knew sudden movements may startle poor little Flutters.

"I told you I didn't kill him!" Pinkie shouted. Jeremy assumed it was directed at AJ.

"Shhh we don't want to make him have another...episode..." Probably Twilight telling the rest.

Fluttershy turned back around ,and was quite adorably startled to find Jeremy sitting up. Her little episode caught the attention of all the other ponies in the room, especially since she ended up on the floor.

"I'm sorry!" Jeremy picked her up and sat her down once more.

"I'm okay...thank you..." Fluttershy turned red and looked away quickly.

"The real question is are you okay?" Twilight asked with a concerned look. "Pinkie's...energy has been known to...."startle" some ponies. It wouldn't be surprising for it to work on humans too."

"I'm fine thank you. I just want to make sure I didn't hurt little ol' Fluttershy here." Jeremy said as he turned to look at Fluttershy again. She was looking at the floor and was red as Big Mac. She looked up with a face as though she'd thought of something.

"How did you know my name?" She asked quietly. Jeremy smiled warmly.

"That's a story that only Twilight would understand." He answered turning to Twilight. She turned red, most likely because he was smiling at her, but it may have been because the attention was on her now.

"Well...tell it." Twilight said quickly. Jeremy started to go on about how they were a TV show and sort of in some movies.

---

A little later...

---

"So you're a human, but you're from a different world? One that isn't too far from the one my Canterlot High friends inhabit. Correct?" Twilight asked while writing something on a notepad she'd conjured up.

"Yes. It is near exactly like the one they live in, except the one I come from doesn't have the full rainbow spectrum of color like theirs does." Jeremy replied distractedly. He was distracted by the way Pinkie was staring at him. It was...well...creepy.

"Hey Twilight...whatsa T-V?" Applejack asked aloud while Twilight was writing her notes.

"I don't know exactly how they work, but they are boxes that have moving pictures displayed on them. Computers are similar to this, but give you more control over what is displayed." Twilight replied absentmindedly while jotting even more notes.

"SO THAAAAAT'S HOW HE KNEW OUR NAMES!!!" Pinkie shouted earning the hushes of everypony in the room.

"We don't want him to have a heart-attack. Please try to keep it down Pinkie..." Fluttershy asked politely.

"Okie dokie..." Pinkie replied. The door opened and Rarity waltzed in carrying....Jeremy's clothes?

"I'm baaaack!" Rarity announced as if she was proud of herself for something.

"BE QUIET RARITY DON'T YOU KNOW WE DON'T WANT HIM TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK RIGHT?!?!?!?" Pinkie yelled to the point that Fluttershy's cottage rocked.

"It's fine. Be as loud as you want. Just don't let Pinkie invade my personal space again. I passed out last time from the smell of cake." He said smiling as everypony looked at Pinkie.

"What I can't help I'm around cake like ALL DAY." Pinkie said her eyes widening.

"Well then...would it be okay if I inspect you Mr. Jeremy?" Twilight asked politely.

"Sure...but don't call me Mister." He replied.

"Well Jeremy can you stand up for me?" Twilight asked smiling at him. He did so, and soon after Twilight was circling around him prodding and poking with her hooves and occasionally a small plastic rod. Jeremy could smell something pleasant. Not like the aroma of cake, but some kind of perfume. Nothing happened until she poked Jeremy's very ticklish ribs.

"Woah! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" He immediately burst into laughter. "Stop please!" But Twilight just kept poking. She eventually stopped when Fluttershy told her he might pass out again.

"Tha-...Tha-...Thank...you..." He replied as Twilight pulled out a quill and began writing down more notes on her notepad. She went back to poking soon afterwards. She then got a little too close to poking something that shouldn't be played with in this way. Jeremy poked her to get her attention.

"Please don't poke there." He asked politely hoping she'd understand why. She winked at him which he assumed meant she knew why. She then pushed on with her evaluation by hovering in front of his face.

"Say "Aah" for me." Twilight asked smiling at him as if she were enjoying messing with his body. He did what he was told and she "poofed" up a tongue depressor and pushed his tongue down. "Mmhmm...Okay my physical evaluation is done. Now I want to test your knowledge of "us". Name my five friends and I, note one isn't here at the moment."

"You're Princess Twilight Sparkle, then there's Pinkamena Diane Pie or Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash who isn't here at the moment." He listed off quickly with utmost certainty.

"Correct, now I'll show you some other friends of mine. Name them." Twilight ordered. She teleported a mint green unicorn with a lyre cutie mark into the room. She was thoroughly confused.

"Lyra Heartstrings."

"Correct." She blinked Lyra out and blinked in a grey earth pony with black hair and a light purple treble clef cutie mark.

"Octavia Melody. You're great at Cello by the way."

"Thank you...wait who are yo-" Octavia was cut off when she was blinked out.

"Correct again." Twilight blinked in a perfectly white unicorn with electric blue hair and a black reversed eighth note cutie mark. The unicorn was totally oblivious to being teleported, she was too busy jamming out to some sick dubstep.

"Vinyl Scratch!!!"

"Correct" She blinked Scratch out and teleported a pony that nearly looked like an exact recolor of herself.

"MOONDANCER!!!"

"Ahhh!" Moondancer obviously wasn't accustomed to being teleported somewhere then having her name shouted at her. "Twilight what are you doing?!?!?"

"I'm quizzing this visitor. You can stay and watch if you like, and also correct Jeremy." Twilight answered.

"Okay. Can I look at those notes?" Moondancer asked gesturing to the notepad. Twilight simply hovered it over. She blinked in a blue mare that was quite hilariously nicknamed.

"That's Minuette, but in my world we called her Colgate because she'd remind us of our toothpaste or something."

"Correct." Twilight then giggled at the nickname. She went through the process a few more times teleporting in: Derpy Hooves, Doctor Hooves, Thunderlane, Blossomforth, all of the CMC, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, and Starlight Glimmer. The whole process had taken what was left of the day away. It was sunset and everypony was tired.

"Okay...I think we're done here. Flutt-*yawn*-ershy do you think you could look after him for tonight." Twilight asked as she near collapsed on the floor.

"Of course Twilight." Fluttershy answered fully awake. She was somehow not tired after everything that had happened today. Twilight waved goodbye and teleported both herself and Moondancer out. The other ponies began to leave. Rarity leaving Jeremy's backpack behind. Eventually Jeremy was alone with Fluttershy, well alone besides Angel Bunny, but he was asleep already.

"You can sleep on my bed...uh..." Fluttershy stopped abruptly.

"Jeremy, and I'm fine on the couch. I'm not sure if I'd fit in your bed" He smiled comfortingly.

"Are you sure you won't be uncomfortable? I mean you are in an entirely different world from your home, and you must miss it right?" Fluttershy looked concerned.

"I don't." It was short and emotionless.

"What?" Flutters was confused now. "How can you not miss your home?"

"You're probably wondering how can I not miss where I came from well that's its own story, and I don't want to bore you." He said as if he knew exactly what she was thinking.

"Will you tell me? Please?" Fluttershy asked with a quite deadly, adorable pout. There's no way that anypony or anybody could resist the power of that pout. Jeremy told the story and would stop when he saw Fluttershy cringe or hide behind her hooves as if she was in real danger, but each time she'd wave him on. When he eventually finished Fluttershy sat silent, but instead of avoiding eye contact she was doing the exact opposite. She stared Jeremy straight in the face, but it wasn't menacing or creepy. There was some kind of sympathy and understanding behind those blue eyes.

"I think it's about time you go to sleep. There's no doubt that Twilight will want to study you more tomorrow..." Fluttershy said quietly, but it was stern. "I'll get you a blanket and a pillow." With that she flew off to grab the items.

"They match their show counterparts completely, but at the same time they feel so new to me." His thoughts wandered to Twilight's talk of her human friends.

"Here." Fluttershy put the blanket and the pillow in his lap. "I'm not sure how you use pillows so I'll let you do it." She smiled and waited. It took Jeremy a little bit to find a comfortable spot, but he did eventually and covered himself up with the blanket. He didn't bother changing. He didn't see a point. He was about to doze off when he felt something soft and wet touch his forehead lightly. He opened eyes and found Fluttershy standing over him with a smile, which immediately faded when she realized he hadn't been asleep.

"I'm sorry! It's a habit. I always kiss my animals good night, and I guess I forgot you aren't really an animal like them." She flew out of the room before he could say anything. He decided they'd work it out in the morning, and he dozed off.

Fluttershy poked her head through the doorway to see if Jeremy had indeed fallen asleep. When she was sure he had she crept silently in and placed a candle on the coffee table. She sat on her haunches and opened a book to read.

---

In the morning...

---

Jeremy awoke to a thump and the smell of toast. He sat up and looked around, at first he didn't really register anything, but with another look around the room he found a sleeping Fluttershy. Her face was in a book that looked to be near finished, and beside her sat a tray with toast and a glass that looked to have orange juice in it. It was a bit chill, and he visibly saw Flutters shiver. When he looked outside he noticed the Autumn leaves. The window was also open, letting in a chilling breeze. He got up slowly and stretched, being extra careful not to wake the sleeping Fluttershy. She must've been awake all night. He grabbed the blanket and pillow. He slowly slipped the pillow under her head, replacing the book. Jeremy made sure not to lose her page. He knew all too well what it felt like to lose a page in any book with more than three hundred pages, and it seemed Flutters was on page 342. He draped the blanket over her back, and slowly began walking over to the window to close it, but stopped when he remembered something. He crept back over to the sleeping pony and planted a light kiss on her forehead. It made him feel a bit weird and awkward, but that must've been how Fluttershy felt last night. He walked over to the window and shut it, but it made a horrible screeching noise as it shut. Luckily, Fluttershy only stirred a bit and hugged the pillow closer to her head. With the Fluttershy's chilliness taken care of Jeremy turned his attention to the breakfast that he assumed was for him. Which was proven by the note that was hastily written on a piece of paper by the tray.

Jerimee Jeremee Jiremy Nice Guy,

Here's breakfast...

Fluttershy.

"She worked so hard for a person she doesn't even know...but she is the Element of Kindness. Am I even considered a friend? Probably not, but they still care so much...do I really want to burden them with my needs? Wait...Twilight's human friends...Will she let me go there? Will they accept me there? Of course they will. FrIendship is Magic isn't it? I guess I could try, and on the plus side they won't be as burdened because of our similarities. Here I'm just too different for their world. I know what I need to do."

Author's Note:

There's Ch.2. This is a fun little side thing. I know exactly how it's going to end. What's going to be fun is how it gets there. Hope you liked it! Bai bai!

Comments

[Silerius]

Seriously, da fuck?

First we start with the lonely guy who has almost no personality (1), wishing to be teleported away from the everyday problems of life (2). He aparently has a sad life with a drunktard parent (3) but suddenly sees a portal and wishes to go in (4), when he does he teleports to everfree forest (5) and inmediately meets the mane 6 (6). He greets them casually (7) and give a little hint that he knows about the show (8) and faints (9). He explains everything with a break line (10) and gets to meet his favorite ponies in an odd and quickly way (11).

I can't anymore....

Cliché count: 11

Seriously, call me whatever names you want but.... the lonely guy, drunktard parent and many other factors, well... they tell me you are just a spoiled brat who goes like 'GOSH! Nobody understands me!'. I'm sorry but I've seen so many and I mean SOOOOOOOOO many stories like this and the vast majority of the authors are just a bunch of guys complaining about the world and how 'unfair' is their life.

(1): The lonely guy thing.... it sometimes work and sometimes it doesn't. I can't tell an exact way of how a lonely Oc should act... because I've seen so many bad ones and the good ones are kind of rare (at least for me). But the thing is, a LONELY Oc comes with every problem a 'LONER' has: Problems to follow, continue and add content to a conversation, constantly blushing a little when people get close to one, think about themselves as the 'burden' of a group of people and constantly hiding in a cloak of cold personality.

The Mane 6 would have to help him out with that before introducing him to CHS (For him it would be easier to learn from the ponies than the humans since he knows about the PONY show long before all the CHS).

(2): Seriously I think that one is kind of lame, it really makes me want to punch some reality into those guy who are practically writing: 'My life sucks! I wish there was a portal to Equestria!'. For the record.... don't do that.... ever.

Number 3 i already explained at the beggining of this rant

(4): That's frigging stupid. One only considers to enter a strange portal when they don't care about death. It doesn't matter if you see the everfree, a bunch of gold or sexy MLP Anthros, you could end up all wrecked up in a post-apocaliptic world or in the middle of a nuclear war geez... You need some common sense (You lack some realism) and realize it might be a trap.

(5): Eeveryone teleports to the everfree forest.... sick of it.

(6): Not after an hour, not after going through the most dangerous forest in all Equestria and be injured... you just met them instantly... without a little backstory.

(7): He doesn't freak out when he meets his favorite characters of all time.... because that's a normal reaction.

(8): The cocky attitude that says: 'I know you're all from a children's cartoon but I'm gonna keep it cool 'till later'... pretty sad.

(9): FAINTING IS SO OVERDONE DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(10): Well, It was either a break line or explain EVERYTHING with a huge text wall with the usual RD saying how awesome she is, Fluttershy blushing, rarity being a smug, Applejack saying something like aww shucks, Twilight being all logical and stuff, And pinkie bouncing.

(11): You met octavia and Vinyl in such a stupid way..... i need coffee.

I won't tell you to rewrite it (even though you should) because you need the experience of screwing up many times before you get somewhere. I'll be checking the new chapter when it's up, but i don't expect many changes. And not because I don't think you have some talent whitin you... but because many critics are just ignored and taken as HATER rants. (also not because of one critic people magically turn into the best writter ever).

I'm not a person who writes such long critics, but i was tired of reading all Oc stories with the same problems I listed above and your story kind of broke my patience (no offense).

In short:
Cocky Attitude: Unless you know how to manage it or you're writting about Dante from DMC (1-4) don't do it.

Sad life: Same as above but forget about the dante thingy.

Portal: At least come up with a good backstory like.... I don't know, the end of the world, a nuclear holocaust, Twilight fighting with Tirek and the power she used made a portal. The possibilities are endless and people stick with: 'wow a portal! better check it out.'

Meeting: Meeting the main characters in such short time is absurd. I know it would fit because it's a children's cartoon, but this is a FANFICTION WEBSITE and people expect to see some stuff you can't get from the original series like sex, blood, wars, complicated love triangles that might end up in betrayal, etc. You need to think more about this part (delaying the meeting could make the people hang to your sotry to see when they actaully get together)

That's all i can give you. take care and happy late new year

[Unbound Bass]

6793896 Cool bro. You know what. Maybe I should add more. How do you know Jeremy isn't an EG fan? (Funny thing: I'd only seen 5 episodes of the show before I watched EG 1&2) Just because I didn't mention it? Everybody hates EG stereotype? I like EG. I don't see how freaking out or fangirling over your "favorite characters"
(Fun Fact: Moondancer is Jeremy's favorite pony hence the screaming.)
( Not all bronies focus solely on MLP. Some of us {me included} like anime as well. So favorite characters of all time is an over-statement. Blake Belladonna from RWBY is my favorite character of all time.) should be a default reaction. (Complicated love triangles...hmmm....reminds me of something....maybe not complicated, but hmmm indeed.) The reason Vinyl and Octavia were "met" (if you could call it that.) in such a stupid way was because of Twilight's quizzing. Why would I type his entire explanation of what happened to him while he was talking to the Mane 6- RD (Rainbow Dash wasn't there.) Also next time...call it a sin counter for the lolz. Be careful not to get sued. (EG3 Human Twilight's amulet opens portals to where? *cough* Everfree *cough*. Real dog Spike can talk after going through like 3 portals.) This was just a LITTLE project I wanted to do just because it was an idea in my head. OOOO (Oh hey I used ALL CAPS too.) you should make a Top 10 Fan-fiction Clichés video for youtube. This is my way of saying "I do what I want." (to an extent) I know exactly what I want to do, and I honestly thank you for your criticism (would of been more effective if it was a bit more...professional(?) You spoke of rants which your comment sort of turned into. All the exclamation points just missing a couple of ones in there.) I know how this story will end. (P.S. LEGITIMATE QUESTION How is "meeting" Octavia and Vinyl in a stupid way a cliché?) (P.P.S. I still wouldn't call what happened a formal meeting, but think what you like.)

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