• Member Since 4th Aug, 2015
  • offline last seen Mar 27th, 2017

Unbound Bass


DJ-M4RE ya' know? The one nopony knows.

T

Jeremy was a normal Earth kid until a portal appeared in the backstreets of his hometown dropping him right into Equestria. After a bit of thinking he decides that maybe he'd be more comfortable with technicolor humans and not ponies. Everything goes fine until a certain girl catches his eye. An athletic girl. Indigo Zap. Did you know...it's hard to impress an athlete...when you have no sports skills and are a total nerd in all regards?

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 3 )

I will follow this.

Seriously, da fuck?

First we start with the lonely guy who has almost no personality (1), wishing to be teleported away from the everyday problems of life (2). He aparently has a sad life with a drunktard parent (3) but suddenly sees a portal and wishes to go in (4), when he does he teleports to everfree forest (5) and inmediately meets the mane 6 (6). He greets them casually (7) and give a little hint that he knows about the show (8) and faints (9). He explains everything with a break line (10) and gets to meet his favorite ponies in an odd and quickly way (11).

I can't anymore....

Cliché count: 11

Seriously, call me whatever names you want but.... the lonely guy, drunktard parent and many other factors, well... they tell me you are just a spoiled brat who goes like 'GOSH! Nobody understands me!'. I'm sorry but I've seen so many and I mean SOOOOOOOOO many stories like this and the vast majority of the authors are just a bunch of guys complaining about the world and how 'unfair' is their life.

(1): The lonely guy thing.... it sometimes work and sometimes it doesn't. I can't tell an exact way of how a lonely Oc should act... because I've seen so many bad ones and the good ones are kind of rare (at least for me). But the thing is, a LONELY Oc comes with every problem a 'LONER' has: Problems to follow, continue and add content to a conversation, constantly blushing a little when people get close to one, think about themselves as the 'burden' of a group of people and constantly hiding in a cloak of cold personality.

The Mane 6 would have to help him out with that before introducing him to CHS (For him it would be easier to learn from the ponies than the humans since he knows about the PONY show long before all the CHS).

(2): Seriously I think that one is kind of lame, it really makes me want to punch some reality into those guy who are practically writing: 'My life sucks! I wish there was a portal to Equestria!'. For the record.... don't do that.... ever.

Number 3 i already explained at the beggining of this rant

(4): That's frigging stupid. One only considers to enter a strange portal when they don't care about death. It doesn't matter if you see the everfree, a bunch of gold or sexy MLP Anthros, you could end up all wrecked up in a post-apocaliptic world or in the middle of a nuclear war geez... You need some common sense (You lack some realism) and realize it might be a trap.

(5): Eeveryone teleports to the everfree forest.... sick of it.

(6): Not after an hour, not after going through the most dangerous forest in all Equestria and be injured... you just met them instantly... without a little backstory.

(7): He doesn't freak out when he meets his favorite characters of all time.... because that's a normal reaction.

(8): The cocky attitude that says: 'I know you're all from a children's cartoon but I'm gonna keep it cool 'till later'... pretty sad.

(9): FAINTING IS SO OVERDONE DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(10): Well, It was either a break line or explain EVERYTHING with a huge text wall with the usual RD saying how awesome she is, Fluttershy blushing, rarity being a smug, Applejack saying something like aww shucks, Twilight being all logical and stuff, And pinkie bouncing.

(11): You met octavia and Vinyl in such a stupid way..... i need coffee.

I won't tell you to rewrite it (even though you should) because you need the experience of screwing up many times before you get somewhere. I'll be checking the new chapter when it's up, but i don't expect many changes. And not because I don't think you have some talent whitin you... but because many critics are just ignored and taken as HATER rants. (also not because of one critic people magically turn into the best writter ever).

I'm not a person who writes such long critics, but i was tired of reading all Oc stories with the same problems I listed above and your story kind of broke my patience (no offense).

In short:
Cocky Attitude: Unless you know how to manage it or you're writting about Dante from DMC (1-4) don't do it.

Sad life: Same as above but forget about the dante thingy.

Portal: At least come up with a good backstory like.... I don't know, the end of the world, a nuclear holocaust, Twilight fighting with Tirek and the power she used made a portal. The possibilities are endless and people stick with: 'wow a portal! better check it out.'

Meeting: Meeting the main characters in such short time is absurd. I know it would fit because it's a children's cartoon, but this is a FANFICTION WEBSITE and people expect to see some stuff you can't get from the original series like sex, blood, wars, complicated love triangles that might end up in betrayal, etc. You need to think more about this part (delaying the meeting could make the people hang to your sotry to see when they actaully get together)


That's all i can give you. take care and happy late new year

6793896 Cool bro. You know what. Maybe I should add more. How do you know Jeremy isn't an EG fan? (Funny thing: I'd only seen 5 episodes of the show before I watched EG 1&2) Just because I didn't mention it? Everybody hates EG stereotype? I like EG. I don't see how freaking out or fangirling over your "favorite characters"
(Fun Fact: Moondancer is Jeremy's favorite pony hence the screaming.)
( Not all bronies focus solely on MLP. Some of us {me included} like anime as well. So favorite characters of all time is an over-statement. Blake Belladonna from RWBY is my favorite character of all time.) should be a default reaction. (Complicated love triangles...hmmm....reminds me of something....maybe not complicated, but hmmm indeed.) The reason Vinyl and Octavia were "met" (if you could call it that.) in such a stupid way was because of Twilight's quizzing. Why would I type his entire explanation of what happened to him while he was talking to the Mane 6- RD (Rainbow Dash wasn't there.) Also next time...call it a sin counter for the lolz. Be careful not to get sued. :derpytongue2: (EG3 Human Twilight's amulet opens portals to where? *cough* Everfree *cough*. Real dog Spike can talk after going through like 3 portals.) This was just a LITTLE project I wanted to do just because it was an idea in my head. OOOO (Oh hey I used ALL CAPS too.) you should make a Top 10 Fan-fiction Clichés video for youtube. This is my way of saying "I do what I want." :rainbowwild: (to an extent) I know exactly what I want to do, and I honestly thank you for your criticism (would of been more effective if it was a bit more...professional(?) You spoke of rants which your comment sort of turned into.:rainbowlaugh: All the exclamation points just missing a couple of ones in there.) I know how this story will end. (P.S. LEGITIMATE QUESTION How is "meeting" Octavia and Vinyl in a stupid way a cliché?) (P.P.S. I still wouldn't call what happened a formal meeting, but think what you like.)

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