Ragnarok a mercenary, gaurd, assassin, a full blown killer, has accepted a job that will uncover things that sould stay hidden. He will have all his questions answered of his childhood. Even things that will twist his mind.
Its not that hard to tell that most of you didnt even read this before you rated it, so if you want to rate read it first dont be an ass.
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dont rate until you read it. because simple math can tell 4 down votes do not come out of 2 views.
I have some comments: (Spoilers for FoE follow)
1. Are you intending Vinyl to be Vinyl Scratch? If so this is a major break from FoE canon as Vinyl Scratch dies in Stable 29 when the Crusader Maneframe methodically wipes out the population after the water talisman is damaged.
2. You have an interesting idea but your perspective transitions are abrupt and confusing, if you are going for a multiple perspective introduction to your story you might wish to make the actor you're following at the time more obvious, there were a couple points were you know it's not Ragnarok but you have no idea who it actually is you're 'seeing' events from. Just for example:
"We need to do something!” BonBon yelled from across the conference table.
“I agree!” Lyra stated.
“Silence all of you!” She yelled as her hooves slammed down onto the table. “I haven’t let this place run smoothly just to let it crumble under beneath me, we just need to remain calm and just keep security tighter “.
The scene preceding this has Vinyl and Ragnarok at the Stable door, also who is the She mentioned after "Silence all of you!"? Name is never dropped and though I can assume that this may be the Overmare you never say.
3. Try to remember the terminology Overseer is a specifically Fallout term as in FoE it is replaced with Overmare or Overstallion respectively.
4. Lastly the change at the end of the chapter when you go from multiple characters to your OC I see serious promise, almost as though the chaos at the beginning was written as a stream of consciousness as opposed to a cohesive first chapter.
Addressing the above concerns may help your story be more coherent and enjoyable for the reader, the end of this chapter also shows real promise. Watching to see if things improve and withholding a thumbs down for the foreseeable future. Good luck and keep on writing it's the only way to get better!
902798Thanks but some things my editor changed that was not original, like i had it as the overmare but he changed it. I really sould watch what he does. I cant put these changes just yet because im really trying to finish up the first chapter for another fic but i will keep what you said in mind and make the changes shortly thanks for your help though.
No problem, hope to see good things from you in the future!
903221Me too.