Having lost contact with Sunset Shimmer, Twilight Sparkle rushes into the Crystal Mirror - only to find herself in post-nuclear Canterlot Wastelands... [Fallout/Equestria Girls fusion crossover]
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Yay :) I'm enjoying this story
6291975
I'm glad you are
Note to self, don't let Twilight handle the FatMan
6366569 Heheheheheheh...
I'm interested in the story, but I think the dialogue could really benefit from the use of contractions to help it feel more natural.
6627544
Contractions like "don't" instead of "do not" and so on?
"Your organism is coming down from excess of adrenaline which was synthesized in reaction to danger,"
6292662 try to replace the word "organism" with "body"
Liking this story so far!
prepper-resources.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/Clip-versus-Mag.jpg
I would say more but that pretty much sums it up.
6860409
Fixed, thanks for bringing this up.
In Russian colloquial language clip is often confused with magazine when it comes to pistols, which made its way here and slipped past me.
"Nanomachines, son!" replied the beast with a cocky smirk.
--
Sorry, just couldn't resist!
6862782
I don't recognize the quote, though. Where is it from?
6863451 metal gear rising
love the story however 2 words verb conjugation
7278856
Glad that you liked it
What's wrong with my verb conjugation?
I'm mostly enjoying the story so far, I like the concept of it, but bro, you need a proofreader or two. For instance, I made a comic for ya.
i1305.photobucket.com/albums/s548/AdmiralPopeye/13528081_10209788942500218_247176557152187462_o_zpst7ubp7sj.jpg
Yes, that is me, and yes, that was my reaction. Now, I don't mean any disrespect, but yeah, proofreader or something.
Other than that and other mistakes here and there, story is good!
7341635
Y U people NO like the word "organism"?
vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/mysims/images/2/2d/YUNO.png/revision/latest?cb=20111207025749
Dat face though Epic, man. Epic.
7341809 Because 'organism' generally refers to an individual life form in the same way that 'human' refers to an organism of a specific species. That is to say, that sentence reads the same as if you were to write "Your human is coming down..."
The word you intend for it to mean is 'system' referring to a set of structures inherent to an organism for a specific purpose, such as 'cardiovascular system' or 'nervous system' or even 'body' but that isn't exactly a 'medical' term.
7355985
Now I get it at least. Thanks
You need to edit the first chapter's a bit. Im seeing a lot of missed 'a' and 'the'. Unless that is on purpose?
Here's "The" list.
Was.
With a green marker.
Body as mentioned before is less... clunky sounding.
So, one giant paragraph of explanation.
A constant reminder of what color Twilight's skin is.
A constant reminder of Sunset's hair scheme.
An inability to tell minutes from hours.
It's only a couple chapters in and maybe it gets way better near the end, but I can't make it.
Best of luck.
8639510
I am sorry you weren't able to enjoy the story
Thank you for wishing me luck
Have a Happy New Year!
This is quite enjoyable so far.
8640290
i like to add this a bb gun in fallout game is very deadly in the right hands if you use perks and other things it's a one-shot killer.
also, airguns can be badass too
here are two deadly air guns as to date
the 357 cal air pistol by Evanix REX
i.ytimg.com/vi/xa9pT6iMkYQ/maxresdefault.jpg
and the 357 cal rifle by Benjamin
images.airgundepot.com/ay/airgundepot/benjamin-rogue-357-cal-epcp-air-rifle-revolutionary-new-technology-4.gif#jmui=f%3A1349%3A305419896%3AbDCeVIAH.8gl5qpJHqy4Ci4*
Fallout EQG? Admirable.
The story itself? Needs to pull its head out of its ass. I can’t even imagine why the author thought it was a good idea to put an explanation on iron sights in the story.
9458955
Can you reasonably expect a being from a world where the most complex mechanism used for warfare would be a CROSSBOW to know how to use a FIREARM?
Just wait until she learns to use the radio. Then there will be some good fun... :)
I'm glad you followed Twilight, Spike.