Real great chapter. I real can't wait for the neat chapter hope it comes soon.

6334153

I'm glad you liked it

If 5-10 days of waiting is "soon" in your book, then yes, Chapter 6 is coming soon

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Thank you for the comment

I'll be waiting for your critique.

6335823 - I spotted missing the's throughout the chapters. Would take me ages to point them all out here. Couple of examples from the intro bolded, as well as a couple of other errors:

This used to be a peaceful place. People lived their everyday life. They went to job. They had dinner with their families back at home. They had fun with their friends. They visited shops, or posted things on MyStable. There was (<-were) a bazillion things to do. Life was good.

Unfortunately, few realized that this good life demanded a steady influx of resources. Resources that were not infinite.

And one fateful day, people discovered that they would run out of said resources very soon. The world was teetering on the edge of (add 'an') energy crisis.

Alas, the locals have a bad tendency of not being able to come to compromise when facing crises like this. Their historical records prove(d) it.

Tensions rose between the lands. Every ruler tried to get as many of (<-take out of) natural resources as they could at the expense of everybody else. The means of beating opponents at this dangerous political game changed gradually. At first, it was discreet sabotage and theft. Then everyone started hiring mercenaries to fight for them, so as to maintain plausible deniability. Later, open conflicts began. The world descended into madness. No one wanted peace; all geopolitical players wanted to remain the sole winner who takes all.

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Fixed the "job" part, the "energy crisis" part, and went another way on "natural resources" part. Thank you for pointing that out.

But I have to disagree on the rest. Unless you speak a version of English unfamiliar to me with different grammatic rules that state otherwise, phrase like "there was a million/bazillion things" is correct, AFAIK. Typing the phrase in quotation marks in Google search gives results with the phrase used unchanged, which means this phrase is conventional and not erroneous.

I wrote "Their historical records prove it" instead of "proved it" because the paragraph implies that the speaker (Sunset) has access to some historical records at the time she speaks, and not before.

Thanks once again

6337709

I'll try and see where else I could have missed them and fix that, but no Pinkie Promises I'll get them all. All the time I learned English in the past, overusing articles knocked off points, thus I try not to use articles too much.

(Just had a mental image of a Protoss from StarCraft telling me "You need to place additional the's!" )

Thank you for the comment

fallout: equstria, girls? ok most unexpected fic ever. carry on

6340387

most unexpected fic ever

Wow, really?

...well, I did try to write something that has never (to the best of my knowledge) been tried before.

I'll carry on, thank you Chapter 6 is already WIP.

6340419 well didn't expect someone to go fallout on the equestria girls

Well you used more "the" this chapter or found a way to avoid them besides just dropping it, which is good. I still noticed some here and there missing, but they weren't glaring and I considered them just missed because of the overall size of the chapter. It might be I'm just subconsciously adding them, but I don't think that is the case.

I really liked this chapter. The fight was awesome and the boss battle was rightly intense. I do hope future boss fights won't get so intense they are unrealistic. This one was really good though. It's intensity felt right. I loved the way Twilight got creative while facing him. So far you are making good use of her intelligence even when fighting.

The survival guide entry was a nice touch. It will be nice to see future entries and learn more about how you envision the post apocalyptic Equestria Girls' world.

I'm really liking the SunLight friend shipping so far (no idea if you will take it further than that and either way I like it). They've already had some ups and downs and I'm sure they'll have more in the future, but they got past them and resolved the issues. "War may never change, but neither does friendship."

I do hope we will soon see Sunset and Twilight (oh and Spike ) venture out into more of the Wastelands. I believe we're close to that going by the deal Sunset made with Swift. I think this is good. We have been in Vault Village for a while now. It feels like we are getting close to leaving the place and you are pacing it just right. We've seen a good bit of it and gotten to know the people, but aren't really over staying the visit.

Regardless of what happens, I am ready for the long haul of this fic. After all, they still have to get Sunset's book, find their friends, find the portal, and then wait for it to open again (if they have to wait after finding it). This doesn't even count all of the side quests and shenanigans they'll undoubtedly get up to during their trip.

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However, you really shouldn't be afraid to use the word "the" more often.

I'll try and bear that in mind, thank you

I am not sure what you mean by writing fanficiton to improve your English.

It's not only writing, but reading too. I have expanded my vocabulary and knowledge of spoken English a bit by reading fanfiction. As for writing, it's more of learning through written interaction with others and mistakes.

Also if you are really wanting to improve your English by writing, you have to be open to the idea what you were taught might actually be wrong.

Good point, although that might not be easy. All my English teachers I had encountered (from primary school to university) were well-educated professionals, and most of them had experience in interacting with native English speakers.

It is very important to take into account your audience and what you are writing. You are not writing an essay for a crotchety old English professor to grade.

Amusing mental image yes, I try to keep that in my mind.

Look at how you are using the word "that". More often than not, when people type out "that" it actually can and should be taken out because it doesn't serve any purpose to the sentence and ends up being unnecessarily repetitive while sticking out like a sore thumb.

That's my weaker points - Complex Object and Complex Subject. I tend to use "that" in sentences like these as an insurance against making a worse mistake - back when we had first encountered that stuff, I made most mistakes with them when NOT using that. Force of habit

I mean Sunset is only in her twenties when this story started

EDIT (September 8 2015): Previously I stated that Sunset's twenty-five, but that is wrong. I believed that since latest events on CHS (that should be Friendship Games now) 90 moons have passed (that's approximately 7 years and three months), but my further thinking on the lore of the human world made me realize that there was actually no time for war. So now, 90 moons have passed since the Day of Burning, when both sides engaged in MAD. The Last War had started shortly before Sunset's graduation, and went on for a few years.

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One could say she might have "killed" during the changeling invasion

Quotation marks are the key point here. If you look attentively at the scene where Main 6 is showed surrounded by changelings lying around, you'll see them twitching. That means nopony used lethal force. Personally, I think Twilight used a concussive blast spell of sorts. And of course, none of changelings actually had visible damage to their bodies.

Even when fighting Tirek, I don't think Twilight actually wanted his blood. Maim him? Heck yes ("You destroyed my BOOKS! You'll pay for that! "), but not kill.

one other thing I really look forward to is how you incorporate Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Fluttershy

I hope you and others will be pleasantly surprised once it comes to that

I really wish I had an ounce of artistic talent. If I did, I would draw Sunset in her Vault suit with her gun and then her and Twilight's hug.

Same here I really wish I could support my story with art, but I can't draw with pencils, and my skills are limited to some primitive Photoshopping (the result of which is the cover art, actually), and I really suck at vector graphics like CorelDraw. TBH, I actually prefer something like Source Filmmaker, but then I'd need to learn 3D-modelling. There's commissioning, of course, but I would want high-quality works which are not free, and dollar is very expensive to Russian rouble right now (stupid currency market )

I heard there may be tutorials for those who want to learn to draw ponies and Equestria Girls. Maybe I'll use them...

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To this, I don't really have anything to say aside from "Thank you"

Your comments are really appreciated.

6342954

Thank you for approval

Really looking forward for the new chapter

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Chapter 6 is WIP right now.

Now that we are in Fallout Equestria Girls, I suppose we are bound to see canon characters or learn of their fate, right? I am betting that the waifu thief is a raider

6354259 oh i hope so or haning from a raider gut hook

Woot!! That was epic!

this is a very good story
thank you for writing it.

6763652

Thank you for the praise and the comment

This was a very good chapter. Your writing has definitely improved since you started this story and it shows in this chapter. I hope to see more improvement in the later chapters.

You're also doing a good job with Twilight's development as she's adapting to the harsh and brutal environment of the Wasteland. She's gradually accepting that killing is necessary to surviving and protecting others, but her naiveté is still showing regarding other aspects of the new world she's in. That leaves lots of room for interesting character development, both 'good' and 'bad.' Provided she doesn't lose her mind and sanity to everything going on around her, she has the potential to become a heroic but very hardcore survivor.

I'm really interested in seeing where this goes now. Keep up the good work.

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Thanks for the comment I will do my best.

Ugh, cliffhangers. At least it wasnt a big one.

Great chapter, the action was awesome.

7342394

Thanks again

Hmm... While I suppose it's a 'good' thing that Twilight has adjusted to the concept of killing so soon (for her sake), the way it happened just feels like it wasn't that big of a deal to her. I mean, she got into a spat with Shimmer over the molerats, and in a matter of minutes pulls a 180. It would seem more likely that she would have a much longer adjustment period, a much more difficult time of trying to accept it. Don't get me wrong, I find it acceptable that she's willing to pick up a gun and use it in the heat of the moment this soon, but aside from a few comments, she seems to be becoming almost apathetic to the idea of killing raiders just a little too quickly. One would think that she would still be getting pretty shaken up about events like this, not becoming a bad-ass in a matter of a day or two. Most people who haven't experienced killing others in combat (or killing others in general), even those who were properly trained for it, would suffer more psychological effects than she has shown at this point.

Maybe I'm being a bit too critical here. From this point, I'm just going to assume you intend to keep this story somewhat light-hearted.
Currently, I have a few issues here, but it's still enjoyable. Shutting up now.

"Spike," Twilight told her assistant, putting him to ground, "go ahead stealthily, and we go after you. Warn us if anyone appears."

This stinks of a trap," Sunset muttered. "Spike, you need to scout ahead. Be careful."

Ну прямо вылитый DD
i.ytimg.com/vi/YRcldvG-tmU/maxresdefault.jpg

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Ирония: я даже не был знаком с MGS V.

Сейчас у меня есть The Phantom Pain, но я пока не добрался до него, а недавно я прошёл Revengeance.

7677429

Fixed. Thanks

Twilight landed on her what? Coccyx?

7686151

Yes, coccyx.

Careful, I got a long list this time around. Still a good chapter though.

and nineteen villagers dead, four of militiamen included
It was largely used by UFE army during the war
Twilight asked Swift Sentinel about raiders' bodies
Sunset had already been in militia
no such thing as "too much ammo" in Canterlot Wastelands
but now it is obvious that raiders are not going to relent
making them pay for death of our Overseer
Some of militiamen accepted the news calmly
ten guards and fifteen militiamen will defend north-eastern border as one
Groups of five guards will take north-western, south-western and south-eastern borders
Groups of nine militiamen will join the groups on north-west and south-west
I will be in charge of north-eastern defense line
After his speech, aforementioned officers and their subordinates
would attack from north-east with heaviest weaponry they had
The main force, however, would attack from other direction
With defenders decimated, the villagers would panic and run
You don't think Swift Sentinel and others would stop this, do you
No. If raiders take too long, then maybe
but barricades will still be here
Raider's head cracked into splinters
were wounded. Combat medic tried to return them
and bullet hit her armour vest
Take a pistol, rifle is too unwieldy
Combined fire of five raiders quickly mowed down the trio
Red marks on IFF were moving away
and was helpless against radscorpion only because she did not
Minutes later, both girls (and Spike) went after raiders
The roar of wounded but still moving human
than Twilight thought, and muzzle flare almost blinded her

Here's 'The' list again.

Unfortunately, raiders wanted purified water, too,

Extra comma here.

Many people exchanged uneased looks

Uneasy.

which had black ribbon in lower right corner over it
sending him to the ground with shot torso and left arm
which was not protected by transparent face shield
In panic, Twilight tried to look around
His body was sliding down the wall, leaving bloody trail there

Missing an 'A' here.

the main attack force, wherever it is located, will simply crush us with sheer number

Numbers.

They don't know how to shoot the gun

A.

only two signals that the receiver cathches

Catches.

But this time, it was not mutated not-quite-friends of a man, it were bad men, AKA raiders

But.

Another one took a step forward - and explosion erupted from underneath him

Missing your 'An' here.

"Spike, get here!" Twilight screamed, and everyone heard

Come here/Get over here is the term.

the very positions the defenders used There was another corpse

Forgot your fullstop.

both girls fired at him from their cover. many of their shots went wide

Forgot to capitalise.

still alive, but uncapable of moving

Incapable.

She assumed that Fast Grabber was aimimng at the entrance

Aiming.

Twilight kept silence

Silent.

"Why you say nothing? You already gave away your position

Why aren't you saying anything.

And when othe rpeople wanted to co-exist peacefully

Other people.

Her hand flied upwards and released

Flew.

Her whole body was on pain

In.

8259761

Went through the list. Thanks a lot!

the radeo person is ether pinkypie or vinal

6340419
Question: is Point Blank’s daughter still alive? I can’t remember or find any mention of her.

She opted not to reload, drawing her pistol instead and sticking out to fire.

Remember, switching to your sidearm is always faster than reloading