Having lost contact with Sunset Shimmer, Twilight Sparkle rushes into the Crystal Mirror - only to find herself in post-nuclear Canterlot Wastelands... [Fallout/Equestria Girls fusion crossover]
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Well you caught my interest, I do look forward to reading more chapters in the future.
6257074
I am glad that I managed to do so
Well, not bad, especially if I consider that you are no native speaker.
I read the intro and the prologue at this point and think I will read a little further. I'll try to formulate a more detailed critique once I reached the last chapter or stoped reading (which admittedly is still possible).
But, as I said, not a bad start.
I will continue reading this story, because it is different, interesting and unique. However, you really shouldn't be afraid to use the word "the" more often. For instance after Sunset's thoughts about the guards asking for her help, it read and felt more like she had a Native American name. The name being Pony-turned-human. I know you were trying to not over use "Sunset" or other descriptive terms, but you should have written, "thought the pony-turned-human" instead.
Also during her fight with the radscropion you should have said "the radscropion" almost every time you had just "radscropion". It was not a radscropion named radscropion she was fighting. Sunset was fighting a radscropion a particular radscropion, but still one of a species. You could use something like "the mutated monstrosity" every so often to change it up if you wanted.
I am not sure what you mean by writing fanficiton to improve your English. If you are wanting to improve your English regarding essay writing and class work, than fanfiction is not the right place for it. Writing stories is actually very different from classwork, essays, and research papers. Things such as losing points for over using "articles" do not apply when writing a work of fiction in the real world. Some of the things people are taught for essay writing do not apply for writing a story. The truth is if you were to follow a lot of "essay rules" in your non-essay writing, it is actually wrong.
(Also if you are really wanting to improve your English by writing, you have to be open to the idea what you were taught might actually be wrong. This means your habits formed from past English classes and lessons isn't actually proper outside of those classrooms and lessons.)
It is very important to take into account your audience and what you are writing. You are not writing an essay for a crotchety old English professor to grade. This is not a scholarly journal for self important and "elitist" English majors to discuss and try to tear apart in an effort to prove they are better than their peers in the room. You are allowed to, and many times should, use the word "the" more often than you have so far. Another thing you are allowed to do, and are usually encouraged to do in writing works of fiction, is use contractions.
If you feel like you will die from some horrible disease because you start using "the" more often, than here is something you can do for this story to increase your "the" allowance. Look at how you are using the word "that". More often than not, when people type out "that" it actually can and should be taken out because it doesn't serve any purpose to the sentence and ends up being unnecessarily repetitive while sticking out like a sore thumb.
If you still feel as if the grammar head hunters from a nearby university will come for you because you used "the" too many times, you will have to do a lot of work in restructuring how you write sentences. The same headhunters will come for you if all you do is just omit the word "the". Doing so doesn't improve your writing. It instead reads and feels more awkward and doesn't properly work.
Apart from that, I know it is a lot, the story is interesting and I do want to keep reading it so far. It will be a little odd since the world of Equestria Girls is modernized compared to pre-war Fallout, but I can see it being doable. I'm also hoping for some enjoyable SunLight in this story eventually, even if it is just friend-shipping.
I must say I like the way Sunset prayed to her ex-mentor. It adds to the whole goddess image Alicorns usually have if even in a different world "used-to-be-ponies" still think of Celestia in that way to a point. Plus it shows that Sunset is in a way clinging to pony Equestria as kind of a dream or at the very least a safety net for her own sanity.
Also, no matter what you say when it comes to music in this world, I'm still saying they're listening to proper GNR type of music . I should probably mention I haven't read further than the prologue at this point, so some of the things I mentioned may have already been changed for future chapters. I just felt like I really had to say something already.
one other thing I really look forward to is how you incorporate Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Fluttershy, since I don't think their heads of important businesses nor are they high ranking officials in elite military forces here. I mean Sunset is only in her twenties when this story started and she was out of the vault. Not really enough time for all of that to happen, which leaves room for possibilities in some respects. I can actually see some of them being local leaders or shop keepers possibly.
Well... on to the next chapter.
6258344 ...Still aprove.
It tickles the cockles of my heart, but holy crap there are too many parentheticals here.
I'm kind of surprised Vault-Tec didn't try to conduct any of their twisted experiments on Vault 75 considering they have a reputation for using Vault Dwellers like lab-rats. Still, I'm enjoying the story so far.
6812179
Actually, Vault-Tec is little different from Fallout canon.
I'm entirely amused that Fallout 4 contains an actual Vault 75. Better still? It's beneath a school.
6893654
Ironic
But back when I wrote this chapter, Vault 75 did not exist.
6812179 maybe this Vault was one of those vaults; The ones that are actually not lab-experiments but an actual shelter
Okay. First impressions.. Not bad at all. Going to ride this out a few more chapters before I start giving thumbs up/down or favs, but I'm feeling like this could be good.
7327470
Actually, I think they all were experiments on some level. It's just that some were more cruel than others, and with some, the experiments were abandoned by the overseer or whoever happened to be in control.
7352902
Some of the vaults were supposed to be control group Vaults, where no experiments take place, so that Vault-Tec would have something to compare experiments' results against. Alas, most of that info is listed in Fallout Wiki under unverified section, since this information wa based on Van Buren.
Only seven years for there to be roving groups of raiders and mutants?
... Nope. That isn't even long enough for more than a few generations of even the shortest-lived critters, and radiation isn't vita-grow for bugs. Hell it's not even enough for all the pre-war stocks of canned goods to be stripped away or any technology to be lost. Hay, it's not even long enough for farms to be completely untenable outside population centers.
What this means is: Resources are plentiful or were plentiful enough until recently that 'raiders' wouldn't be driven particularly hard toward immoral behavior either.
7355887
That's fair criticism, but there is another factor (but it's a spoiler) playing a role in why wildlife has gone to hell like this. Majority of survivors, though, are not that much into science, and think that the spooky radiation is to blame. Many don't even care much.
Is it? A good number of pre-war stocks burned up in atomic flames. Under normal circumstances, when there is a threat of nuclear attack, civilians should be able to evacuate into pre-designated areas with food stocks, but the attack on UFE caught many people unprepared, including civilian defense agencies, and the locations of pre-designated sites for evacuated civilians were kept secret from civilians, so not everyone knows where the heck these stocks are. Plus, UFE government, much like US government in Fallout, had many elements within it that did not believe that TODC would actually unleash nuclear weapons on them (at least, at that stage), so many places were actually understocked. And the stocks were not underground, so radiation is a factor as well.
I also am not sure the stocks could sustain people for that long. Badayev warehouses, which were destroyed in the siege of Leningrad in WWII, had only enough food to sustain the city of three million or so people for three days, eight at most if to use resources sparingly. Combine that with understocking and not knowing exact locations and even a small population would have trouble.
Technology was also primarily concentrated in cities or military installations - both of which were viable targets for TODC nuclear attack. It is not fully lost per se, but recovering it would be problematic, and many intelligent people who knew how to operate the technology or manufacture it or repair it also perished.
Irradiated rain would kill these farms, no?
It's not only resources. During war, humans became much more selfish and paranoid, and prone to hatred. While there was external enemy, they did not turn on their closest people. But after the apocalypse, these feelings did not go anywhere. Plus, I have always maintained that a total collapse of governmental structures like the one that happened here would very quickly unleash the worst of human nature that could under normal circumstances be curtailed.
Thanks for the comment
Will Sunset get a Power Armor? Because the X-01 would so fit her.
7499893
Maybe. Maybe not. Time will tell.
Or will it?
What is time, anyway?
7674933
I'll take a gander, thanks
7356533 sure seven years seems fishy, but then again is rad levels dropping fast. In the fallout verse it took about a half dozen to a dozen years for them to drop anywhere near "somewhat" safe levels. But from those two things you can tell something is already up. There were several major events that helped shape the wastes into what they are; the airborne F.E.V. strain being released from the west-tek facility taking a nuke, the black rain and the great winter. Not to mention nukes everywhere. While some things such as these throw me off I'm willing to stick around and find what's up, that and that this is not the fallout verse, it promises to be interesting. I love me some good apocalypse stories, sadly not enough of them...
Just a personal pet peeve; everytime Radscorpion was mentioned there should be a The before it. Feels clanky without it.
8225431
The articles are a pet peeve for me as well
Hopefully, one day I will give myself a kick to go over the first chapters.
War never changes and it's influence will change all
Sweet Celestia this is only the begining and I am hooked, good job man fallout and mlp go oddly well together