Mr Pork Pie Hat
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Nice opening, i wonder what he and his wife was fighting about and how he got to where he currently is.
One little thing though:
I think 'his' should replace the word 'her' up there since Alfred was referring to his son after all.
6254562 Hehehe...sorry about that.
Please feel free to comment about any other small mistakes that you may find throughout the story. I do try hard to catch these small things when proofreading but sometimes I end up missing things.
Glad you like it though. There will be more of Alfred's past in the future, but I'm still super early into the story.
6254701 lol, no need for apologies, typos and other such mistakes are hard to catch on ones work alone. And yep, i'll help keep an eye out for the mistakes i catch.
i really like this story, i have enjoyed the by-play between your characters and for the most part your scenes are well writen...when you bother to write them out. that has to be one of the most glaring faults with this story is a major case of show dont tell. huge proportions of each chapter involve telling us what has happened off screen inbetween chapters which weakens and cheapens the parts you do bother to write. it is
for example take the chapter where alfred is moving out of twilight's place, taking that bit by itself and it is a great heartwarming moment full of da feels and really show the bond of friendship between twilight and alfred....but then the whole first half of that chapter glosses over very important steps in Alfred and Dash's relationship the lead up to the scene. big important and highly emotional moments like the decision to move in together or even buying a house together. those are important moments that help the reader get an idea of the relationship between your characters and are great places to slip in character development and even a bit of world building for you as a writer.
still i have enjoyed this story and hope to see more of your work in the future hope this review helps.
6276213 Thank you so much for giving some great feedback! I'm glad that you like the story so far, and I do plan to keep going at it since there is a big story to tell.
I'm sorry if I may have glossed over some scenes but I do have my reasons. This is going to be a long story. It is going to take place throughout the whole of Alfred's life, so there are a few time jumps. I know this isn't a particularly good reason to gloss over things, but to be honest, I really want to focus a lot of detail into the later parts of the story. I understand that people may be upset that I'm only focusing right now on the really key moments, but hopefully when it's all said and done you'll understand why.
Another reason why I'm not spending as much time on the beginning is because it is a little generic. I wanted to write this story because I thought I had an original idea that was really interesting, but unfortunately it needed to include this kind of set up, which is common in other fan-fictions. It may seem like an average 'human in Equestria' fic right now, but that's only because I haven't really started to break into unknown territory, which I will be doing very soon.
Thank you so much for the feedback! Sometimes it felt like I was writing for ghosts. Do not worry, I promise that there will be a lot more show rather than tell in the future. I do also understand that I'm not the best writer (and this is my first fic) so I will take your thoughts to heart and try to improve.
Once again, thank you so much for reading and giving good feedback. I hope you continue to read the story.
I dont really know what to say about this story? Dry is probably the best term. Not that im trying to dig at your writing but this story is just bland. Nothing interesting happens and im not seeing anything that hasnt been in a million other hie fics. The depressed life hating protagonist being the one that is really killing this story for me.
To be honest, i read this fic soley for the humanXdash stuff, and sadly even that was pretty lacking. Rainbow hardly interacts with alfred until they have that moment at the bar. Seems like a pretty flimsy relationship to force love into.
The style is also... grating, i guess. The 3rd person omnipotent narrator just doesn't seem to be working for this fic, it reads like its being read from a script, theres no description of anything really, were just being told whats happening, not how its happing. Its show don't tell all over.
Now I know how comments like this can be a pretty massive hit to the ego, but im not trying to take the wind out of you, keep writing i say, there is potential here. But if you want readers, try something fresh and exciting. Hie X mane 6 fics are dime a dozen and if you dont have something new and interesting to bring to them then your fic is going to fail before it even takes off.
take this advice or don't. Just food for thought
6281312 Thank you for the feedback! It really does mean a lot and I do understand where you're coming from.
I'll agree that it is fairly generic right now, but I do have some big plans. I do try to be original when I write, but unfortunately this story requires this kind of introduction, which is a little off putting. I understand that the reader wants something fresh and exciting, but I am still in the very early stages of this story. To be honest, almost all of the chapters up to this point are an introduction to the bigger plot, which will be a lot more interesting. There is so much more story to tell and I hope that people will actually give it a chance and look past the slow and generic start up.
Because there is so much more to tell, I am struggling to find the balance between detail and story. There isn't a lot of detail now because this kind of beginning has been used over and over again. There will however be a lot more focus and detail in the future, since I'll be finally writing the original and interesting idea I had to begin with. I know that it isn't really a good reason to gloss over some things but the faster I can get to the main story, the faster the audience will read something that is new and fresh.
Please don't think that I'm not taking the beginning seriously, I am. There are a few little hints to what the future has to offer and some key points are established. I just want to get past the generic opening and begin to write something different.
I also understand that I'm nowhere near the best writer. I do occasionally make mistakes and I'm always looking for help. There will be a lot more show rather than tell later on, since I'll finally be getting into the good stuff. I am still relatively new to this so any feedback at all is great. I wish I could show everyone just what I have in store, but it'll have to wait.
Thank you so much for the comment! It really does help a lot to get some honest feedback. I hope that you continue to read the story and give it a chance!
6281312 Thank you for the feedback! It really does mean a lot and I do understand where you're coming from.
I'll agree that it is fairly generic right now, but I do have some big plans. I do try to be original when I write, but unfortunately this story requires this kind of introduction, which is a little off putting. I understand that the reader wants something fresh and exciting, but I am still in the very early stages of this story. To be honest, almost all of the chapters up to this point are an introduction to the bigger plot, which will be a lot more interesting. There is so much more story to tell and I hope that people will actually give it a chance and look past the slow and generic start up.
Because there is so much more to tell, I am struggling to find the balance between detail and story. There isn't a lot of detail now because this kind of beginning has been used over and over again. There will however be a lot more focus and detail in the future, since I'll be finally writing the original and interesting idea I had to begin with. I know that it isn't really a good reason to gloss over some things but the faster I can get to the main story, the faster the audience will read something that is new and fresh.
Please don't think that I'm not taking the beginning seriously, I am. There are a few little hints to what the future has to offer and some key points are established. I just want to get past the generic opening and begin to write something different.
I also understand that I'm nowhere near the best writer. I do occasionally make mistakes and I'm always looking for help. There will be a lot more show rather than tell later on, since I'll finally be getting into the good stuff. I am still relatively new to this so any feedback at all is great. I wish I could show everyone just what I have in store, but it'll have to wait.
Thank you so much for the comment! It really does help a lot to get some honest feedback. I hope that you continue to read the story and give it a chance!
Good job on this one! I really like this fimfic!
6302495 Thanks a lot!
Yeessss! I love chapters like this! Great job!
6305903 Thanks! I'm glad you're enjoying the story!
Coooool, I'm gonna read more
What happened to him and rainbow?
7867951 Sorry for such a long long long long long wait between chapters, especially the latest one. I haven't been as motivated to create new chapters and I've lost steam some what. I don't plan on abandoning this story for good, I have almost all of it already mapped out I just need to put the effort into making it a worthwhile experience.
So just hang in there, read up on other stories in the meantime and hopefully I'll get back into it soon.