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Chapter The Last1,779 words

Chapter The Last

Chapter The Last

I'm going to do a quick recap. This recap is not for those of you who are joining into this story at this point. To be perfectly frank, anyone who would delve into a story by reading the chapter implicitly titled “Chapter The Last” and still expect to experience it in its full form either has far too high expectations of literature or is entirely unfamiliar with how stories are meant to work. For simplicity, these two groups of people will be categorized under the more euphonic term, “the unbelievably stupid”.

If you are genuinely reading this story for the first time, and honestly chose this chapter as a launching pad to the rest of the story, please stop reading and send me a message immediately, so that I may finally lose my last precious scrap of faith I have ever had in humanity.

If this is not your first read, or you began this story sensibly at the first chapter, please continue.

On a particularly rainy evening, Twilight Sparkle was reading a particularly unintriguing book written by particularly incompetent scientists when she heard a voice. It was an entirely ordinary voice, except for its owner. This voice happened to belong to the writer and narrator of this very story, myself. Mind, she was not supposed to hear me, as I knew that due in no small part to Twilight's rampaging curiosity would force out of me the fact that she was part of a story and that all of her actions are predetermined. Naturally, when she did learn this, she went through a big honkin' existential crisis which she only got over because I told her I was lying, which I have a propensity to do.

Pinkie Pie showed up the following day to invite her to a party. I let on that this party was important to the story and Twilight chose this point to go and piss me off. First, she refused to go to the party. When I tried to force her to go (I didn't want to, but the show must go on, as the saying goes), she decided to throw a ridiculously large, misshapen wrench into my intricate design. Twilight, in her vast wisdom, decided to tell a bit of her own story and pull me into Equestria. She was quite proud of herself for that bit.

Terrible idea, if you ask me. If I had wanted to be in Equestria, I would have gone myself. Now Twilight has just managed to displease me further.

This is where we left off. Without further adieu...

“How dare you!” the stallion fumed. “Are you insane!? Do you have any idea what kind of danger you've just caused?” This stallion is me, for the unbelievably stupid in the audience.

Twilight gave an incredulous scoff, “What possible danger could come of this? I don't see how...”

The stallion groaned, “Not danger to you, danger to...”

He was cut off by a sharp gasp coming from outside. They both glanced over just in time to witness a pink blur darting away.

He rolled his eyes, “Brilliant. Now you've gone and done it.”

“Done what?” asked Twilight.

“Now your friends have seen me. They'll all be here, together, in approximately 78 seconds and counting. I'd really rather not go through my whole writer spiel a second time, so you have that much time to come up with a suitable excuse for why a perfectly unknown stallion is arguing with you in your own library.” he said, “67 seconds now.”

“What? No! I'm telling them the truth.” she responded.

He sighed, “No, you're not. If you won't be obedient, I'll lie to them myself. Just play along.”

“I'm not going to lie to my friends for you!” Twilight shouted.

“Listen, Twilight. Remember what you did when I told you you weren't real? You flipped out and ran away. You were devastated, weren't you? I don't need that happening to anypony else, and I doubt you'd want your friends to feel that way, either.”

Twilight remained silent.

“This isn't for me, it's for them.”

She sneered, “...Fine, you have a point.”

“Oh, and I should tell you. Aside from being a legendary liar, I tell legendary lies. And this one is going to be spectacular.” A sinister grin grew on his face.

Twilight audibly gulped.

“Ten seconds. Get ready.” The stallion donned a calmer, happier expression.

The front door swung open.

The partygoers had assembled. There were only four of them, but that hardly mattered. There was music, baked confectionaries, and laughs; if that's not a party then not much can change that. Not much, that is, except for Pinkie Pie, the greatest partier in Equestria. She happened to be out fetching Twilight, but that didn't stopped the festivities. Applejack and Rainbow Dash were, as usual, engaging in friendly competition, alternating between apple-bobbing, hoof-wrestling, and the old standby game, Rock-Paper-Scissors. This last game was somewhat complicated by the fact that their hooves were intrinsically designed to resemble precisely one thing: a hoof.

The game of Rock-Paper-Scissors was designed by unicorn soldiers hundreds of years ago, wherein the three titular objects were held behind each player's back by their own magic. The winner of each round had the right to hit the loser with the winning object. Even when rock-users lost, this proved painful; in an effort to keep ink from bleeding through pages and simultaneously keep books at a manageable size, paper was made much denser than its modern-day equivalent, which meant that papercuts were often as unpleasant as rock beatings. Being as sharp as it was, paper was often applied to the ends of dull scissors to make them more effective, which oddly proved a sound solution. Rock-Paper-Scissors was soon after forbidden in all armies in Equestria after it was discovered that two thirds of all military injuries incurred that year were due to paper cuts, and the remaining third were due to bludgeonings with rocks.

Across the room, Rarity and Fluttershy were chatting and plaing chess. Rarity was far more concerned with the gossip, while Fluttershy remained focused on the game. Mind, she was not aiming to win. Her friend, while competent in the game, was not particularly good, and as a result had left a number of large gaps in her defense. Fluttershy could easily move her pawn out from between her bishop and Rarity's king, resulting in the forced loss of a rook through the discovered check. She could just as easily have used her mostly hairless pink bipedal flesh creature in an L-shape to capture an unprotected pawn, resulting in a fork between her king and queen. Naturally, much to Raity's dismay, her queen would be lost, and Fluttershy could capitalize on this by dancing her bishops around to force the opposing king into a corner, where she could sweep her own queen across the board to finally deliver a checkmate. She could quite easily do this, but she didn't. While Rarity talked, Fluttershy was busy finding subtle ways of losing her own pieces without looking conspicuous. She was not playing to win, she was playing to tie. A tie, the gentle pegasus had always believed, is the best end to a game. That way, nopony loses and no feelings are hurt.

Pinkie Pie burst through the door, “Ohmygosh! You won't believe what I just saw!” She was quite obviously excited.

The four of them turned their attention to her.

“Is it the Wonderbolts!?” Rainbow Dash immediately took to the air, peering out the nearest window.

“Oh Rainbow Dash, you always think it's the Wonderbolts,” Rarity said dismissively, “and it never is.”

She turned to Rarity, “Oh yeah? Well what if it is the Wonderbolts?”

“It's not the Wonderbolts!” Pinkie shouted.

“See?” Rarity glared triumphantly. Rainbow Dash sneered back.

Pinkie continued, “At the library! Twilight's there, too!”

“Twilight's there?” Fluttershy was concerned, “I hope she's alright.”

“C'mon, Pinkie, spit it out!” Applejack was growing impatient.

Pinkie beamed, “It's a stallion!”

Three of them were confused. The fourth let out a gasp of combined surprise and elation. Predictably, this fourth pony was Rarity.

“Oh, that's wonderful! I just knew Twilight would eventually find herself a handsome, gallant stallion!” said Rarity. “Now I can finally teach her the fine art of seduction,” She flipped her carefully curled mane to one side and smiled.

Rainbow Dash attempted to stifle a laugh, but failed spectacularly, “Are you kidding!? Twilight would never date anypony! She's too much of an egghead! What stallion would wanna date her?”

Applejack shot her a dirty look, “Rainbow, ya can't go sayin' things like that behind her back.”

Rainbow's laughter ceased, overtaken by silent guilt, “Sorry.”

Applejack continued, “But it is sorta strange. Twilight's never really been all that—.”

“That doesn't matter right now!” Pinkie interjected. “I've never seen that stallion before, and you know what that means!”

They all rolled their eyes and smiled. They knew what that meant. That meant a signature Pinkie Pie party to welcome him to Ponyville.

She continued, “That means one of my signature Pinkie Pie parties to welcome him to Ponyville! C'mon, we need to go get him and bring him back here! Then the party can begin!”

They all agreed, or at least resigned to Pinkie's decision and briskly made their way to the library.

Rainbow Dash was the first to speak. “If somepony's gonna fall for Twilight, he's gotta be as eggheaded as she is!”

She chuckled to herself. Applejack did not approve.

The front door swung open.

“Hey, you!” Pinkie shouted, pointing a hoof at the as-of-yet nameless stallion. “You're new here, right?”

“...Well, yes, I suppose I am, but...”

“Good! C'mon!” She grabbed him by the hoof and darted out the door.

“Pinkie, wait!” Twilight shouted.

Her words had no measurable effect. Pinkie sped along with her new friend, excitedly explaining who she was and who her friends were and where they were going and why.

Applejack sighed, “Well, back to Sugarcube Corner then.”

They sped back to the party. Three of the five wondered why they had bothered to come to the library at all if they were just going to return again. One of the remaining two wondered how she had found herself in a situation as strange as this, what with being led by her friends to a party being held for the writer of this very story, which only she knew the true power of. The last one wondered how she might finish the day without offending or upsetting anypony.

"There are two rules to writing fanfiction: end every chapter on a cliffhanger, and lie in your chapter titles."

--SchrodingerFu

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