Hitch-22

by SheetGhost

Epilogue: Mayor Mayor Mayor

1.

At first, Mayor Mayor refused to have anything to do with her new job. They couldn't make her do it if she didn't want to. Well, she did give Solid Wall permission to hire some workers to starting cleaning up around town hall, giving away the socks for free and clearing out all the debris, but that hardly counted. Solid Wall had asked her and it wasn't like that it mattered whether or not she allowed him, since he probably would've just done it anyways. It definitely didn't matter that people commented that this was good 'delegation of responsibility,' because she didn't have any responsibilities, because she didn't accept that she was the mayor.

She didn't care that everyone who'd lived in the era of Pilgrim Heart was now a little afraid of her. She certainly didn't care about the little bribes they kept trying to give her in order to placate her. She only took the lavish apartment the Riches furnished her with because it was better than the gazebo, and she only attended the delicious and filling dinners the Apple family regularly invited her to because it would be severely rude to ignore their invitations. It wasn't that she was enjoying the newfound wealth that political power gave her. It was just accepting proper hospitality from others.

The dinners that the Apples put on for her were many and good, and she was always invited to sit at the head of the table, where Granny Smith usually sat. Granny Smith would glare at her throughout the entire meal, while her daughter and son-in-law nervously explained how grateful they were that taxes remained low in Ponyville, and what an honor it was to have her to dinner with them. She didn't really like them, but did enjoy the company of the young colt that was currently their only child, although it was clear that there was another one on the way. He didn't speak much, but he would smile and look down whenever she talked to him about books. Once he'd let slip that he liked the Little Mare on the Prairie books, and then looked death stricken before clamping up into silence one again.

He called her Mayor Mare, respectfully, which was a much better name then Mayor Mayor Mayor, and Mayor Mayor used her much expanded paycheck to send the child a brand new set of the Little Mare on the Prairie books as a gift. It was not long after that regular dinners ended. Perhaps Granny Smith's curiosity about the mare was sated, or perhaps her daughter and son-in-law were adequately reassured that she was a good pony and wouldn't tax their business to death.

Once the socks were cleared and town hall was in something resembling a state of repair, Mayor Mayor asked Solid Wall to have the annex taken down. It was only a request of course, not an order from a mayor, but it was nice to see things getting done. She also started signing legislation in, because otherwise it didn't get enacted and nothing got done. It was only a temporary thing though. She was most definitely not a mayor, and she most definitely didn't enjoy being a mayor.

2.

It was several years later that Mayor Mayor came to the horrible, life-shattering realization that she enjoyed being mayor. It happened one afternoon in her office, when she was signing legislation because she had nothing better to do. She'd just finished signing her name to a new budget when it occurred to her that she could abuse her power, like Wintergreen had. She could play with some numbers and fish out room in the budget and she could finally build a new library.

A good library.

A much better library then Ponyville had ever had. The type of library that would rival Manehattan Central Library. The kind of library that might one day even rival Canterlot Royal Library. Something to really put Ponyville on the map. With the power of her mayoralty, she could finally make her dream come true. She could become the head librarian of a magnificent library. It was only possible because she was the mayor. She couldn't have done it as librarian, she wouldn't have had a chance, but with the power and money that came with her horrible unwanted job, she could make everything she dreamed of happen. It was awful. She loved it.

(She even, in her most horrible, secret moments, knew that she liked making speeches and cutting ribbons. It was always a thrill to see some new part of the poor and broken town expand under her leadership.)

It didn't take her long to draft the orders, the only thing that she needed was an idea. Something to make a truly unique and amazing library. She looked out the gaping chasm in town hall that once was a wall with a window. There she saw an ancient oak tree, it's branches hanging just above the squat skyline of Ponyville.

There was her idea. There was her library, there was her magnum opus, the thing that would make her remembered throughout all the future generations of Ponyville. It wouldn't just be a library, either, it would be her home, and she would have all the books she ever wanted, all the books she could ever ask for. Just as Wintergreen could have as many socks as she wanted. Of course, Mayor Mayor would be more reasonable in her demands. Obviously, she would never ask more than was possible for any pony to get done on their own. She was a benevolent mayor.

"How in the name of Celestia am I going to turn a tree into a library?" Solid Wall asked himself, staring at the old oak. He was flummoxed.

3.

In the end, most historians agreed Mayor Mayor was the worst mayor in the history of Ponyville. It was largely agreed that her early success in expanding the town was largely thanks to Mayor Strawpony's policies, in particular his 'free socks for everypony' policy, which was his last act in office. The massive influx of cotton was sold off at a large profit on the open market by Filthy Rich, and the taxes from those sales were what largely spurred the urban renewal process that launched Ponyville into notoriety.

When neighsayers pointed out that Strawpony was not in fact a pony at all, and therefore describing his administration as having policies at all was absurd, the historians balked. Just because Strawpony was a scarecrow didn't mean his contributions meant nothing. To be ignorant of the contributions of other species other then ponies to greater society was to discount much of important history, and the historians wouldn't stand for that kind of nonsense.

The real reason Mayor Mayor was considered the worst mayor in ponyville's history was because of the sheer amount of disasters that occurred during her administration. The town was attacked, destroyed, turned into the chaos capital of the world, and many other horrible things before she was through. Of course, none of these things were Mayor Mayor's fault, and she dealt with all of them with level-headedness and a degree of competence, which was all anyone could really ask for. The truth was that this was the real job of any mayor. Not cutting ribbons, or making speeches, or signing legislation or disciplining junior staff or anything like that. The real job of any mayor was to take the blame when things went wrong, and Mayor Mayor excelled at this above all else. She truly was the best worst mayor ponyville ever had.

Of course, by the time the new library was finished, it really didn't matter what history would say about Mayor Mayor. She was happy, she was surrounded by the books that she loved in a large library with an endless selection. The bedroom on the second level was decorated just to her liking and she reveled in it. Everything was wonderful. She was a head librarian at last. Once there was room in the budget, she would expand the library even further by expanding the basement, and then she would have junior librarians to order around. Soon, Ponyville library would be the envy of all the libraries in Equestria- No! The world!

Less than a year after the Ponyville Library was completed, Mayor Mayor was kicked out to make room for Celestia's prized student, who took it as her permanent residence. She also took the title of head librarian, and she even brought with her a junior librarian, a little dragon, who she could order around to her heart's content. The library, which Mayor Mayor had built as a labor of love, would forever be associated by future generations with Twilight Sparkle, who'd had nothing to do with its construction.

Sometimes, you're just fated to lose, no matter what.

Comments

[PonyBlue]

This shall be fanon.
(at least for me)

[Anon251P]

That was depressing.

[James Washburn]

This isn't Heller, but it really doesn't need to be. I mean, you can see Heller in it (like the echoes of Snowden in Book Binding), but it's your own beast. It's still brilliant, mind. All the byzantine "try as you might things will always suck" comes through nicely, and though it lacks Catch-22's glorious cathartic ending, it'd be unfair to compare the two. A first-class effort, all in all.

[SheetGhost]

766411

A late reply, but a reply all the same. It's late because I kept planning on doing a long, complex postmortem that would enumerate all of this works failings and all that I learned from it. Really though, I don't need to. I know already where it worked and where it didn't, and tearing down ones own work when it isn't already an untouchable success is usually a bad sales pitch and a sign of low confidence in the work, so I'll kindly skip that chapter and keep it to my own records.

This isn't Heller, in some respects it wasn't intended to be. A lot of crossovers/inspired by works like this tend to fall into the camp of pale imitations, 'X but written by a hack,' usually the reason for this is because the reason the writer is imitating is because they aren't confident in their own work. It's the writing equivalent of sketching over another persons drawing. I don't condemn this, imitation proceeds creation, and it's just part of the learning process, but it's not what I was going for.

What I intended for this was something more akin to an artist drawing in the distinctive style of another artist they admire. The styles of fanart for My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic are innumerable, but I imagine every artists takes at least one shot of copying the style of the show directly. Some are more successful then others, some are near carbon copies and others have the artists distinct style leaking through, but the love is still there, the clear admiration, and really, that's all it was ever about in the first place.

This work probably falls into the latter category, especially nearer to the end, but I hope my desire to replicate something like the joy Heller's work brought me shines through.

(Regarding the ending, Heller had a good set up to add a joyful moment to an otherwise dreary situation. Unfortunately, I failed to set a support for anything like this throughout the story. The ending was intended to be more of a case of black, grim humor about the situation, but in retrospect I think a little levity might've been useful. Alas, should've could've would've. It's done.)

I also want to thank BritBrony, who was a fantastic fellow who did my prereading and some editing for me and generally put up with my nonsense. You're a star, fellow.

[Eakin]

I'm sorry that you don't seem to like this story very much, for what it's worth I think it's great.

[raken]

This was a fun read and you did a good job on it. It definitely deserves more views.

[Truth_Seeker]

I really enjoyed this, it hit every note that I loved about the style and pacing of Catch-22. Thank you

Whatever lessons you decided to take from it, I hope you drew some measure of satisfaction, because you deserve it.

Even during most comedic fics I don't laugh out loud, but this one got me to guffaw at least three times, just like Catch-22 had me howling.

Thank you for that. It's good to have a laugh. Thumbed and favorited.

[SheetGhost]

11197842
a full year later the writer to drunkenly check on his 11 year old fanfic and realizes a few people still appreciate it and remember it fondly