Hitch-22

by SheetGhost

Chapter 6: Wintergreen

1.

The protest at the library consisted of half a dozen retirement age ponies. They milled about outside the library, and a few even sat in lawn chairs. There was a halfhearted sign set up that stated 'Support Mayor Stra.' Granny Smith provided apple juice and sweet tea as refreshments. She smiled and thanked everybody for showing up. Nobody in town even bothered to look twice at the event, because nobody in town ever wanted to look at the library: the building was a tremendous eye sore.

All in all, it was the most pathetic protest Mayor Mayor had ever seen. She was curious but not threatened by the group hanging around the library, it was public property after all. Without knowing the protest was about her, she trotted right up to the group. They didn't recognize her as their antagonist, none of them had ever been in the library during her tenure as Ponyville librarian.

The group paid her no heed, but Granny Smith smelled relatively fresh blood in the form of the only mildly old looking librarian. She popped right up beside Mayor Mayor, all howdy-doody's and simple country hospitality. Free apple juice and sweet tea, just please, sign our petition to get the local librarian removed from the ballot in the upcoming mayoral election.

"There's a new librarian?" Mayor Mayor was shocked and alarmed to learn that she'd been replaced during her short trip to Manehattan, from which she'd just returned.

Since Mayor Mayor looked about two decades older then she actually was, thanks to her bleached white hair and stodgy manner of dress, Granny Smith assumed that she was referring to the librarian who'd replaced the old librarian, namely Mayor Mayor.

"Yep, and she's running for mayor. Wants to undo all the proud traditions of Ponyville and plans to raise taxes, the good-fer-nothin'-" The rest of Granny Smith's tirade was lost in the indistinct rumblings of her Ponyville drawl.

"Well!" Mayor Mayor managed. This was a betrayal of the highest caliber, and she signed the petition without any further prodding. She joined the protest against herself readily and took sweet tea and chatted with the ponies who didn't know that they already hated her and wanted her gone. The fragile and shaky grip of the matron Apple as she poured more sweet tea caused Mayor Mayor's cup to overfill, spilling some of the precious liquid on the ground.

It took some time for Granny Smith to realize that the enemy was in their midst. It was just like how Wintergreen had failed completely to recognize Mayor Mayor, the girl who's career she'd ruined for no apparent reason, other then perhaps for a lark.

"You!" Wintergreen cried, in reciprocation of Mayor Mayor's exclamation. "Who're you again?"

The office slipped into a tense silence, as Mayor Mayor glared at Wintergreen, the mayor's assistant, and Wintergreen looked back at her in an opaque lack of recognition. Mayor Mayor wasn't buying it: this was the pony who'd singularly ruined her life. There was no way that her being here was a coincidence. Clearly, Wintergreen was out to get her. Perhaps she'd been following her all along, somehow slipping into the ranks of various libraries to deny her applications.

"You! You followed me here! You're behind all of this, aren't you?" Mayor Mayor slammed front her hooves on Wintergreen's desk. "You put me in the election, didn't you?"

Despite the sharp reminder of the madwoman who she'd once interviewed, Wintergreen still didn't recognize Mayor Mayor. She did however, seem to show some glint of understanding at the mention of the election. "Oh, oh. You're that Mayor girl. The one with the funny name. Yes, I know of you."

"Then you admit it!" Mayor Mayor cried, a vicious sort of pleasure running through her as she finally had someone to blame for her failure. Someone she could take it all out on. "You were behind everything!"

"Your addition was caused by a clerical error," Wintergreen had regained her composure, and was shelling herself back behind cold formality.

"And who was the clerk who committed the error?"

There was a beat, and it was clear that Mayor Mayor had won a minor victory over Wintergreen. The green pony looked away, "I was."

"Ah-hah!" Mayor Mayor really had her now. Everything was coming together. Now she could unravel this whole conspiracy against her and finally earn her deserved spot as the head librarian of the Canterlot library. "You were behind everything! Admit it! Admit it!"

"Well, I did mess up and add your name to the election, I wasn't paying attention while I was writing and, well, the first mayor I wrote didn't look quite neat enough, so I tried again. That one didn't look good either, I'm kind of clumsy, even with a pen. I had it by the third one but-"

"- But what about my job?"

"What about it? You're still the librarian."

"Canterlot. You. Me." Mayor Mayor felt her body shake with strange convulsions. Her chest was taut, her heart thundering within her ears. The person most responsible for her sorry state was right in front of her and didn't even recognize her. Every failure and humiliation Mayor Mayor experienced since returning to Canterlot could be laid at Wintergreen's hooves, and the other pony didn't even care that she existed. It was all too much. The girl hadn't recognized her, just as the protesters hadn't recognized her up until she'd tried to walk right into the library. It was her idea to give whoever had replaced her a piece of her mind.

It was about that time that Granny Smith actually looked at the petition Mayor Mayor had signed and saw her name. Mayor Mayor hadn't had the guile or presence of mind to sign her name as Scroll Binding.

"You!" Granny Smith cried. "You're the new librarian, aren't you?"

Mayor Mayor dropped her sweet tea and froze in mid-step. Sudden realization crept up her back. She could feel a dozen elderly eyes staring at her backside with level hatred. She stood stock still, hoping that if she didn't move, their poor elderly eyesight would fail them and they would be unable to see her.

Granny Smith did see her and was properly steamed. Not only had the librarian snuck past them, but she'd done so while partaking in their hospitality under false pretences. "She's the librarian! She's the next Pilgrim Heart!"

The matron Apple hadn't said to get her, but she might as well have, evoking the memory of the tyrannical mayor in the presence of those who'd lived through her reign. The pathetic protest devolved into a pathetic mob. There is nothing more terrifying in life then a gang of old ponies creaking up on you at the breakneck speed of a few paces per minute. Mayor Mayor bolted, deciding to skip the library and just put as much ground between herself and the protestors.

The protestors gave as much chase as they could, which was not much. By the time they made it the few yards to the library, they were all winded. Their canes and walkers weren't supplying enough support, so the turned to the closest thing they had to prop themselves up against: the library. The old unfortunate hut groaned under their collective weights. The wood was all rotted from the roof that leaked constantly, even when it wasn't raining. It had survived merely by no one bothering to touch it much, but the abuse of half a dozen ponies leaning against it was too much. The building lurched backwards, teetered in on itself for a few seconds, and then finally crumbled into rubble, a cloud of paper and dust rising from its funereal pile.

The protestors, for their part, tumbled forward in their attempt to get away from the falling building. Their old bodies failing them, they were unable to get back up, much less give further chase. The protest ended in failure.

Mayor Mayor returned later that evening, after the emergency medical teams and relatives had finished collecting their elderly. There she discovered she had no home to run back to, and nowhere to run and hide in anymore.

2.

Running and hiding was exactly what Mayor Mayor wanted to do after she learned that Wintergreen was the mayor's assistant. Her breath was ragged, her thoughts wild and incoherent. They jumped from one thing to the next, trying to form connections between Wintergreen and all that had happened. Where did the green earth pony lurk in her life? Had she always been there, just behind the scenes? These were paranoid thoughts, crazy thoughts, she was probably going to start craving almonds. She had to focus, she had to focus on what was really important.

Wintergreen, who was all too used to ponies going nuts around her, ignored Mayor Mayor. She looked back down at her catalogue. A new one had just arrived, and there were plenty of new socks to look at and order. She didn't have time to deal with whatever delusions of some prior relationship this madmare had between them in Canterlot.

"I have to see the mayor," Mayor Mayor said, at last.

It didn't take long for Wintergreen to explain with terse and automatic boredom that the mayor could not, and would not be disturbed for at least a few hours more. Not willing to accept this as an answer, Mayor Mayor barrelled past her and tried to open the door leading out of the annex and into town hall. It was pointless, the door was locked. Mayor Mayor slammed her hooves against the door in a repeated, fruitless, frustrated flurry. She knew it wouldn't open the door. It didn't matter.

The page turned on the catalogue as Wintergreen waited out the storm. This wasn't the first time she'd seen a pony cracked up around her, and it wouldn't be the last. "It's pointless, the mayor doesn't see anypony. Ever. He's a recluse."

The ruckus of Mayor Mayor's hooves died down gradually, as she ran out of breath and hate. She rested her head against the door, the desperation leaking out of her and leaving empty numbness in its wake. "I need to see the mayor. I need to get off the ballot. I need to tell him that the library is gone."

Wintergreen looked up with sudden interest, her catalogue forgotten for the moment. "The library is gone?"

Mayor Mayor nodded, her head sunk down the door as she did. Her mane was wild from sleeping beneath the gazebo. She really didn't have anywhere else to go now. There was nothing left to do but throw herself before the mercy of Wintergreen.

Wintergreen was overjoyed to hear the news. "This is great! You're fired!"

"What!?" Mayor Mayor whirled around in surprise and alarm. "You can't just decide that!"

"I can and I did," Wintergreen shrugged, going back to her catalogue. Not having to pay a librarian would open whole new vistas in the town budget, and she was eager to start applying this newfound knowledge. "I'm certain the mayor will agree. What's the point of paying a librarian if there's no library?"

Time seemed to stop for Mayor Mayor, as she watched with mounting horror as Wintergreen casually destroyed her everything once again. There was nothing left. She had nothing. She was nothing, not even a librarian anymore.

"I will destroy you." Mayor Mayor informed Wintergreen, for the second time in her life. This time she actually meant it.

Wintergreen didn't even look up to consider the threat. She wasn't even paying attention. "Yeah, okay."

3.

In truth, Mayor Mayor didn't have to raise a hoof to destroy Wintergreen, because Wintergreen was so good at destroying herself. In many ways the two ponies were similar. Wintergreen was a grand administrative assistant who'd started at the top and worked her way down. She'd been fired from every job she ever had. Her proudest achievement was being fired by Celestia herself.

During her higher education she'd had an internship at the palace, where she'd worked as part of Celestia's staff. Wintergreen was no fool, and knew that the real job of any good administrative assistant was to keep everyone away from important people. Therefore she lost, destroyed, and otherwise got rid of any correspondence the Princess wouldn't want. Wintergreen was fired after she'd started losing, destroying and otherwise getting rid of the correspondence that the Princess did want. Still, being fired by the Princess herself was high praise, and Wintergreen had her choice of jobs afterward. Eventually she ended up at the royal library, where she was fired for not hiring Mayor Mayor. From there, she lost dozen of jobs, until there was nowhere left to go but Ponyville. Ponyville was the only place where there was no one to fire her, since Mayor Strawpony never fired anyone. As such she kept her job, but it was only a matter of time before this too blew up in her face.

Town hall was crumbling around her, soon it would collapse and let her secret out for everyone to see. Everyone knew about the shipments to town hall at night, all of which had been arranged by Wintergreen. Every misappropriate fund, every abuse of power and every stolen dollar would fall squarely on her shoulders. The whole thing would come crashing down that much sooner if Mayor Mayor was elected and decided to do something about the renegade assistant, which she most certainly would.

It didn't help that it looked like Mayor Mayor was going to be elected through no fault of her own. For one thing, Quill Filing was doing a much better job of campaigning for Mayor Mayor than Granny Smith was doing for Strawpony. Since Strawpony continued his tried and true practice of doing absolutely nothing, and Mayor Mayor told anyone who asked that she didn't want the job, it fell to their irrational supporters to campaign in their absence.

"Mayor Mayor promises that if elected, there will be a drastic reduction in almonds in Ponyville," Quill Filing promised. It was easy to make this promise because he was already starting to feel less passionate about almonds. These days he could hardly recall his wife's face when she told him of her dream of becoming a nut farmer. It no longer bothered him that there might not be enough almonds in Ponyville for anyone who might want one. In fact, he was starting to consider going back into taxes once Mayor Mayor was elected. He could help a great deal with Mayor Mayor's budget, and make certain she was successful; Celestia knew she was too dense to succeed on her own. Besides him, his changeling companion smiled and nodded at everything he said, and scarfed down more almonds.

(Nobody had noticed that his companion was the spitting image of his departed wife. None of her relatives lived in Ponyville, having been chased off by Quill Filing's madness, and Mayor Mayor had never seen her mother.)

Granny Smith in comparison had to take regular breaks to rest her hip, and could not quite explain why Strawpony deserved to be elected. 'He's not Pilgrim Heart' failed to resonate with everyone who didn't know that Pilgrim Heart was anything but a statue. The withering weight of her eternal stone gaze had long ceased to have any effect. Years of ineffectual government had made everyone forget. Granny Smith was aghast, and so would've been Pilgrim Heart, who had enjoyed the terror she inspired and erected the statue in the hope of terrifying future generations. Pilgrim Heart was gone, and while her works remained her legacy was forgotten.

It didn't help that Granny Smith and her supporters were old. No one listened to old people, not even other old people. Granny Smith's campaign verged on collapse, because everyone involved thought they knew what they were doing better than everyone else, even when they didn't. Everyone did every ineffective thing they wanted, and nobody listened.

Madam Pie made grim predictions of a future filled with disaster if Mayor Mayor was elected, which failed to have any effect. Incidentally, this prediction was the one and only time Madam Pie's predictions were correct. Her other predictions, such as an uprising by the sheep in the near future, failed to materialize.

McFeely distributed pro-Mayor Mayor leaflets to the wrong addresses. He thought he was distributing leaflets supporting Strawpony. Quill Filing had swapped the leaflets when McFeely wasn't looking, and since McFeely couldn't see the leaflets distinctly, he never noticed. Granny Smith's orders to stop distributing the leaflets fell on deaf ears.

With election day looming, it fell to Wintergreen to salvage the situation and save herself and Mayor Strawpony's campaign. In order to manage it, she'd have to use every trick she had at her disposal. Wintergreen didn't have many tricks. Her special talent was being sickeningly sweet (a skill she'd grown sick of), and the only thing she was good at was being an administrative assistant, which basically meant doing busy, unimportant work that anyone could do.

4.

Wintergreen's solution to the problem of Mayor Mayor was elegant. It was simple: she held an debate before election day. The stage was the wide verandah that surrounded town hall, where Pilgrim Heart used to make her decrees. Ponies from all over town turned out to attend the debate, intrigued by the fact that something was actually happening in the usually quaint and boring town of Ponyville. Most hadn't heard of Mayor Mayor before this, and they were only dimly aware of Mayor Strawpony. Unbiased by prior political opinions, the debate was likely to decide the election, which was exactly according to Wintergreen's plan.

After triple checking that it was time for the debate to start, Mayor Mayor got on the verandah first. Strawpony had yet to show, but it didn't matter. Her message was short and to the point, and Strawpony could say whatever he wanted after she left. It didn't matter.

"Ladies and gentlecolts, please, lend me your ears," Mayor Mayor stated in a loud, clear voice, her inflection perfect for reaching across the large crowd, "What I need from all of you is simple: I don't want to be mayor, don't vote for me."

"Such modesty!" Quill Filling declared, trying to spur a murmur of agreement and support within the crowd. "Truly, a great leader must be a mare of modesty."

"Look at her! She's the very model of a mayor. Age, elegance, experience." Solid Wall agreed, spying an opportunity to get rid of Wintergreen and getting his warnings to someone who would listen to them.

"Oh, it's Mayor Mayor," Carrot Cake said, as he decided to throw his vote to his old friend, "I thought she moved to Canterlot."

Everything settled, Mayor Mayor began to climb down from the verandah, unaware of the damage she'd done in favor of her own election. It was then that Wintergreen rushed out from within town hall. The crowd was larger than expected, Wintergreen had expected to have to work through word of mouth, but this worked out even better.

"I'm sorry everypony, but the debate is cancelled," Wintergreen informed the crowd, "It seems Mayor Stawpony had to attend an emergency ribbon cutting at the new ward at Stinking Rich Memorial Hospital."

The disappointment was audible; there weren't many distractions in ponyville. The loss of a debate to argue over was felt sorely across the crowd. The ponies murmured and groaned amongst one another until Wintergreen stamped her hooves against the wooden floor of the verandah. The sound of her hooves stamping wasn't what got their attention, it was the sound of the entire building rumbling at the slight tremor.

"Hold on everypony," Wintergreen said, "There's something more. In place of the debate we will have a special guest. It is my great honor to introduce to all of you, the most wise and wonderful pony in all of Equestria, Princess Celestia!"

The town drew its collective breath, and Mayor Mayor paused on the final step off the verandah, unconvinced that she'd heard that correctly. Celestia? Here? Absurd. She almost started laughing at the very idea when the sound of flapping wings stopped her. She looked up.

Celestia's chariot swooped out of the sky like a deus ex machina. It landed right in front of Mayor Mayor, who fell backwards onto the steps and stared wide eyed as the royal figure marched past her. No one in Ponyville, excluding Wintergreen, had ever seen Celestia in person. All eyes were upon the Princess as she ascended the stairs. In Mayor Mayor's humble opinion Celestia was as majestic as the art of her promised, although a little shorter than expected.

The Princess exchanged smiles with Wintergreen, and then turned to address the crowd. "I endorse Strawpony."

With those three words, the election was over and done with. No one, not even Quill Filing, would vote for anyone but Strawpony now. Mayor Mayor sighed a breath of relief. Celestia gave a short speech about the importance of small, agricultural towns such as Ponyville, and what a joy it was to visit them on occasion. In particular she mentioned Ponyville's strong almond export market, and even made passing reference to Sweet Apple Acres. It was all a blur to Mayor Mayor, who escaped the verandah and took refuge under the old oak. With the election out of the way, she could get back to her plot to destroy Wintergreen.