- Member Since 5th May, 2012
- offline last seen Oct 17th, 2015
generalking007
bow before the mighty general! 
generalking007
Joined 5th May, 2012 ·
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Not too bad, although a little short. I have a few criticisms however.
1. You started the story with "She entered the room". Although anyone who's read the description knows that "she" is Pinkie, I find that it's better to refer to a character by name before you start calling them "she".
2. You have some capitalization issues. I noticed a few places where you didn't capitalize Twilight's name, and at least one where you only capitalized the Pinkie in Pinkie Pie. Besides that, you need to make sure that you start every sentence with a capital, and make sure you don't capitalize words that don't need it, such as moaned.
3. The whole thing seems kind of sudden and rushed, but perhaps that's just an effect of the short length.
4. I get why you used the brackets to clarify that herd was a pun and not a mispelling, but it kind of ruins the flow of the story. Furthermore, why is that pun even there? I understand how puns can be funny, and how often they're used in the show and other fanfiction, but this one didn't even add anything to the story. I don't think it's necessary for it to be there.
Just my opinions. I hope you do add more chapters, it would be interesting to see where this is gonna go.
Adding on to what Erica said, pay really close attention to the dialogue. For example:
“Hi there, Twilight” she said.
“Hi there, Pinkie Pie” Said twilight, smiling at her friend.
“Watcha doin?” asked Pinkie pie.
“I'm studying some new magic” said Twilight.
“That sounds fun, can I help?” asked Pinkie Pie.
would look a lot better like this:
“Hi there, Twilight,” she said playfully as she bounced towards the unicorn.
“Hey Pinkie Pie," she answered, smiling at her friend.
“Watcha doin?” asked the pink pony.
Twilight glanced up from her book, clearly intrigued that her friend was taking such interest in her work. "Uh, I'm studying some new magic," she explained.
“Ooh, that sounds fun, can I help?” asked Pinkie Pie as a huge smile spread across her face.
This helps the reader more clearly visualize the scene and also get rid of the redundancy of using the character's names all the time. I also cleared up a few punctuation errors that I saw. But don't get me wrong, I like the idea and this fanfiction has great potential if a couple of things are addressed.
Indeed. Feels rushed. This would be fine a chapter or two in, but it's a little too sudden.
Haber honestidad, Amm el inicio estuvo fatal, me recuerda las porno donde llega el actor hola y 1 min después se están cogiendo... El desarrollo se defiende con buena secuencia y bueno el final Ammm podria ser mejor.. XD
Aun asi buena lectura =)
605445 Thank you for the helpful ideas. This was my first story, so it was a bit rushed. I plan on focusing more on the foreplay in my next chapter, and I will try and fix those problems. I am
that the criticisms are all constructive and not just bashing my first attempt at writing professionally.
605415 Fixed (hopefully) all of the capitalization errors. Please let me know of any errors you still see and where/what they are. thanks for your help
"She moved her hand down there, and felt wetness." And thats where i stop reading and thumb down if you do not know the Difference betven a hand and a hoof there is nothing to see.
P.s. if you dident notice the word hand in any mlp story where its not appropiriate makes me angry as hell.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmm........ two pics to be interested in
2.bp.blogspot.com/-TuYBbXEqi5g/TrWytnJO2WI/AAAAAAAABSA/S7guIn0CAVU/s1600/mlp+my+little+pony+meme+tolerate+shit+bronies.png
1.bp.blogspot.com/-93XptpoYAFA/TrWyqRc135I/AAAAAAAABRA/Ih1b2AmUq4o/s1600/mlp+my+little+pony+meme+bronies+pinkie+pie+brain+is+full+of+fuck+jackie+chan.jpg
>>generalking007
You still need to fix the punctuation for your dialogue.
(\ ,also, this seems a bit rushed, which would explain the Grammatical and spelling errors, my advice...slow down.
609658
can you tell me where they are?
“Hi there, Twilight” she said, bouncing into the room and smiling at her friend.
“Hi there, Pinkie Pie” Said Twilight, smiling as she continued reading her book, looking up at the bouncing pink pony and smiling.
“Watcha doin?” asked Pinkie pie, curiously.
“I'm studying some new magic” said Twilight, absentmindedly.
“That sounds fun, can I help?” asked Pinkie Pie hopefully, hopping over to her friend.
Take these first five lines for example again. Way better then before content wise. But what you need to remember is that if you don't end the dialogue with an exclaimation point or a question mark then it has to end with a comma. So here is what it should look like:
“Hi there, Twilight,” she said, bouncing into the room and smiling at her friend.
“Hi there, Pinkie Pie,” said Twilight, smiling as she continued reading her book, looking up at the bouncing pink pony and smiling.
“Watcha doin?” asked Pinkie pie, curiously.
“I'm studying some new magic,” said Twilight, absentmindedly.
“That sounds fun, can I help?” asked Pinkie Pie hopefully, hopping over to her friend.
The other thing that I would suggest is to stray away from using said and asked so much. Using it to much can get boring to the reader so try using words like exclaimed or responded instead, and keep up the good work!
632100 thanks for the advice, I will work on those corrections and take them into consideration while finishing the next chapter.
I loved it please keep going I really do look forward to more and as for more of the others sounds good to me!!!
607999 fine then, mr grumpy pants, I fixed that error.
You happy now, or are you going to find another reason not to love and tolerate? 
752526 Nope i don't look for reasons to hate a story but its just that one word that come up far to much insted of Hoof/hoofs. my mortal enemy "hand/hands"!
EDIT: *finishes reading* Ahh so much beter...
Love the story so far so please continue^^