Tragic past, black hair with red streaks, absolute sorrow, depression, sociopathic bullies, a grandfather's sword that's made of diamond and obsidian (that would shatter into a million pieces if it didn't meet anything but flesh.) knowing martial arts, a scar on the face that's worthy of description...

This comes off as obvious, wish-fulfillment with far too many extremes of bad enemies and good friends. The grandfather teaching the grandson the martial arts and giving him a weapon is cliche. The sociopathic bullies that are meant to be hate-targets is cliche. You need to think outside of the box.

Start off with a personality profile. Use the four-letter system. Don't give him a past and lay it out before us. Subtly hint it to us as the story goes on. Show his motivations. Use everything that you wrote about his past in this chapter, keep it in a document, and refer to it when you're deciding his next actions. Make him hint his past. "Given what happened to my mother, I stay away from that place as much as possible." Make the reader beg for more information, not push back for information overload.
If you wanna go even further, give him a mental disorder. What is he had a schizoid personality, or autism, or a persecution complex?

Spice up his wardrobe. Make him outside-the-box. For example, when I go out, I go out in heavy work boots, a trench coat, West German Army gloves found in a sale, and khaki pants with a belt capable of holding everything that Batman could use. It's not conventional; it's out of style, but it's utilitarian for me, and it's my style. People recognize me by the trench coat. Do something like that.

And above all, don't tell us all this crap in the first chapter. It just turns everyone off.

Alright, so you decided to open up with an exposition dump. Unless you're Hideo Kojima that's never a good idea, and even he only get's away with it because the fans let him. When it comes to this sort of story, it's better to start in medias res, and then piece together the main characters backstory gradually and naturally through references to past events and things like that. Also on the topic of the main character, he seems like the generic 'brooding guy with dark past' sort of archetype. You might to do a bit to differentiate him. You definitely don't want to make him too brooding, because a protagonist who is just completely joyless is usually pretty boring.

So why not just use the sword against then, and dump the bodies? Besides having a weapon out in public I am pretty sure he would have won any case with a self defense plea.

that sword would explode into millions on pieces if you hit ANYTHING with it...

Quite a generic prologue but hopefully things' get more interesting in the next chapter. Also I wonder why couldn't Danny simply kick their asses? I mean he trained for 10 years. Those punks should've been easy to demolish.

Not bad Intro, really, not bad, I'm looking forward for this story, just one thing and sorry for saying it too, the sword is not a bad idea, the obsidian edge, good idea, the diamond part? I can't say if is a bad idea since I don't know how tough a diamond trully is, or is some kind of incredible tought alloy? I'm pointing it because it will be a tough point in the future, the sword needs to be practical in case he needs to use it in the future

OTHER THAN THAT, AMAZING STORY.

So he was trained in martial arts and sword play. Has a one of a kind sword and still gets his ass handed to him. By 3 untrained, young, naive, thugs. Wow he must be really shit and the some. And he has a fricking sword, use it. Im not saying kill, but he could of, i don't know, threatened them. And seriously how do they instantly know what the sword is actually made of, and how much its worth? Do they teach that sort of in school now a days?

Woe is me. My life is so terrible why is this like 75% of humans that make it to pony world? I'm going to keep reading in hopes that this gets better. Also diamond and obsidian are rigid as fuck that sword would break. Also diamonds explode when they get too hot.

Ware the buck did his grandfather get that many diamonds? Who just decides one day that they wanted to make a katana out of diamonds and obsidian? Any real sword smith (or jeweler) would know that a sword made from diamond wouldn't be a solid blade (if you could some how make it). It would break from the first solid impact. A diamond edged katana on the hand, sounds more plausible.

black hair with red streaks in it.

Shadow the Hedgehog called: he wants his color scheme back.

On my left cheek there is a scar from long ago during my childhood

"...from when I cut myself on my edgy backstory."

I'll never forget his words

"Never... eat... the yellow snow."

The sword was a Katana

The weapon of choice for overpowered OCs and weaboos everywhere!

I smiled a little, knowing he and my mother were watching me from the heavens above.

Meanwhile in Heaven.
Granddad: He's going to die, isn't he?
Mom: (agrees)

You’ll never get a damn apology from me asshole.

"Aye, me arse will never apologize to the likes of ye!"

5951930 Don't worry, it's just Gary Stu, the Overpowered OC. And never mind the fact that a diamond sword would shatter in a heartbeat, an ditto obsidian, if you DID make a katana blade out of diamond it would be roughly 2500 carats, or more than 10mil just on weight alone, and more likely closer to as much as a hundred times that due to being a single, solid stone. Depending on color, it could be yet another order of magnitude more expensive.

Which then shatters the first time you ever strike anything tougher than squishy human flesh. Diamond may be the hardest thing known, but there's something called fracture planes - and diamond is RIDDEN with them.

And for someone trained in MMA, Medeival (Japanese?) swordsmanship, and "karate" (a general term, not a specific term, again a sign the author knows little about martial arts and didn't bother doing any research), he sure got his ass handed to him quickly.

Finally... how the HELL did they get his bike "taken apart" in the very short time window there? And was it a bicycle or a motorcycle (also called a "bike")?

And before you claim "Just wait, it gets better!" - it shouldn't HAVE to. The first chapter should grab the reader's interest, or they just move on, especially in electronic medium. Sorry, but this story is now a total pass for me. Next time, write what you know, or do some durn research.

Wow what assholes.

If I was him I would've unsheathed that katana and point it at them, "You want the sword? You're gonna get it!"

... Yep

Edit: Also if Daniel knows mixd martial arts shouldn't he be able to take down all of them?

I guess you had to keep the plot moving forward

I have sapphire blue eyes and black hair with red streaks in it. I wear a red T-shirt with a leather black jacket. The rest of my attire consists of red and black shoes, black fingerless gloves, and a pair of red jeans.

You couldn't even bother making your red and black OC an alicorn.

This story... It has nothing original.

You haven't done anything that hasn't already been done to death, on fimfiction AND otherwise.

You clearly haven't taken the much-needed advice of oron61, who put what he said incredibly politely.

This story... For a big chunk of edgy garbage, it has been recieved far better than it should have. It's absurd that stories such as this do better than others which truly deserve recognition for being well-written.

I would have beaten them with the sheath

6280216 OI QUEEF Fuck off! Your acting like blue balls and if you don't like the story than LEAVE!!!

6397037 I agree

um not gonna lie when you did the background saying he was trained how to use a sword and martial arts for a decade, i was wondering why the hell he got beat up by a couple of bullies when he should be able to destroy them with his training?

Very cliche, executed well enough to be "ok". Nothing really shines.

I detect edgelord, wish-fulfillment, red/black OC, disregarding laws about carrying weapons or even not mentioning said laws pertaining to swords. It's just like the fics I used to make when I was a 14-year-old dreamer making my own problems worse than they actually are and always doing self-inserts and wish-fullfillment.

It's "ok". That's all.

My name is Daniel Blaze. I'm a twenty year old human filled with nothing but emptiness. I have sapphire blue eyes and black hair with red streaks in it. I wear a red T-shirt with a leather black jacket. The rest of my attire consists of red and black shoes, black fingerless gloves, and a pair of red jeans. On my left cheek there is a scar

emo much? I mean, ive heard of character assassination on the first chapter but this, this takes the cake. And Daniel blaze?seriously? Was this made by some preteen?

The blade of the sword was made not out of a metal, but instead it was made out of diamonds and had an obsidian

let me break it to you. obsidian is not hard (quite brittle actually) and dimond breaks very easily because of somthing called fault planes. Which diamonds are literally one of the biggest examples of. So good on you, you just earned another down vote!

Ok start of the prolong of the story but I confused about some thing like

One time, they almost flushed my mothers pendant down the toilet, but I managed to stop them and beat them up, but due to that, I got expelled from the school.

Expelled from school just for stopping them from flushing his mother pendant down the toilet. Really! I say more suspension for him because he was only defending himself and keeping the pendant of decease mother safe.
And I surprise that no cop ask him about his sword and why is he carry it with him? won't he just left it at home even those it might worth a lot of money?

6484323 sorry sir but I think you will find this chapter has been revamped

One time, they almost destroyed my mothers pendant with a hammer, but I managed to stop them and beat them up, but due to that, I got expelled from the school.

but the same thing basically happened, I think Daniel just hides he's sword from police or doesn't take it out a lot.

Wait wait didnt he know mma thats bullsh$t

6568989 his anger blinded him to think straight when one lets anger get the best of them they cant think straight

You have my attention!

6797182 Thank you. hope I can keep your attention for a good log while.

This book always keeps a smile on my face i really love it.

That was a sad but good read so far can't wait to see what happens next.

ok will i can see why it happen this and please escuse this its mostlikey my anger issues and hate for bullies and how they get away with this **** as aduilt but he had a sword A FLIPPING KATANA and was assaulted and nearly killed i would havee used the blade to at least maim and would have been in full right to do so

7235895 and by maim i mean hand nose or leg go bye bye
if they are the kind of a************* to break or steal family heir looms they deserve so much worse

I'd make the obvious reference, but this is 2edgy4me...

The song underneath I what I would imagine, would fit the starting point of the story at least in my opinion.

6797182 we meet again friend, I wonder what other stories I will find your comments on next.

Let's see... Red and black OC, tragic backstory, emo attitude, training in fighting techniques, super rare and expensive items, and people who hate him for no reason.

Looks like a red and black alicorn OC without wings, magic, and a domain.

Still, I am nothing if not a staunch believer in the saying "there are no bad ideas, just bad executions."

For example, if Hitler really wanted to get rid of Jewish people, he would slowly poison the minds of people around the world to make them think that they were horrible, evil demons first before slaughtering them. Much more effective. (Not, I do not condone slaughtering a large amount of people because of their skin color or religion. That was a joke. One that could be seen as very insensitive, but a joke. Besides, it could have been an effective method. Not that I would have ever done that. Ever had 3 warring entities in your head that disagree massively on some points? This the product of that)

My point is that you're doing an overdone, poorly done(most of the time), hated cliche, but I think you might be able to do well.

If you suck, you'll be hearing more from me. Actually, if you're good, great, horrible, mediocre, or splunge, you'll hear from me anyways.

7609879 is it sad that I enjoyed your review more than the chapter ;)

7621377 Thank you. What I said was a balanced mixture of carefully measured portions of madness, perfectionism, optimism, and some other things which are likely contradictions. I'm practically a living contradiction without the benefits of being one. I'm a perfectionist that does horribly. I'm an editor that can hardly even write. I'm a harsh critic that uses softer words and optimism. I talk about how, even though Hitler was an evil bastard, I can come up with more efficient ways of eradicating the Jewish right before giving an outline of how to actually go about doing so with a lower chance of failure. That's the part I shrunk down, by the way. I have to think up these things, even if I would never use them, because I can.

I always forget what I said 7 seconds after I say it.

Okay, this needs to be pointed out. The weapon he has, though cliché, is not totally nonsensical. Though the diamond part is fairly stupid (even though it's a hard mineral, it shatters very easily with the right amount of pressure in the right place), obsidian is entirely valid in use for a weapon. The people who believe it isn't obviously don't know that there are records of early humans using obsidian blades/weapons. A shining example of this is the Aztec Maquahuitl, which had obsidian blades and could fucking cleave through Spanish warhorses. I'm serious. Hell, there are records of obsidian knives and such much earlier than that. Seriously, don't just make up shit about obsidian not being practical or shattering when used in a weapon.

Other than that glaring flaw in the criticisms of the blade, most others seem to be correct. From what I've seen here, this story has some noticeable problems, being extremely cliché and edgy, and often comes off as a forced self-insert with a bland, generic main character with extreme enimies (who fly completely off the handle for no reason other than 'ooh, shiny sword'), all of which hate him for no reason.

Despite this, I'm going to give this story a shot. But if he starts crying blood, I'm out.

5942060 Okay, I might be wrong here (I'm no expert on diamonds), but diamonds are just carbon heavily compressed as a result of extreme heat and pressure. Why would it explode as a result of the processes that made it?

When will u update this story. I Luv it

It is my first time reading this, and when I saw your art...

Say...

Do you know Alejin or Bright Sunny?

Had this on my Read later list and decided to see what you have. Everyone has already pointed out what they saw so I'm just going to look look forward to what's in store. More curios what the sword is.

Well Tom boy you done fuck up

I never liked people like tom in real life I'm glad to see he is busted ha ha ha

9132338
he done goofed 😈

They all have something that I lost a long time ago…. happiness.

I'm a twenty year old human filled with nothing but emptiness.

I don't know why, but I found both of these to be absolutely hilarious.