- Member Since 6th Apr, 2015
- offline last seen Jul 5th, 2020
rooberry
I have always had a love for MLP and fanfic. So I finally decided to write my own.
rooberry
Joined 6th Apr, 2015 ·
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you lack many many details and it's also so fast paced it's like watching a video on fast forward
i don't wanna be mean but alot of people just beginning make this mistake. i advise having someone with more experience help you.
Line 10 Do not If
line 6 after ****THAT NIGHT**** hooves or hoof
Half what? Half & Half, Half breed, Pongon, Dracony, LongMa, Creature ???
img12.deviantart.net/4f95/i/2015/095/8/4/raritys_egg_colored_by_hillbe-d8oj3qg.jpg
Child could come early,,,,,,,,,, Half dragon side dominate ? or child could set fire to the delivery room?
6021114
Ember is dragon half
That is a referense to the anime Dragon half
The main character is half dragon half human
If anyone would like to make a picture of Ember and spike together
Send me a PM I will send you pics of Ember and pics of Spike
Thanks
6021157 That's something different
th09.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2015/050/9/3/spike_rarity_splash_by_hillbe-d8iq6be.jpg
6021240
Sorry
to me it sounded like you did not know what i ment by dragon half
6021078
you are the first person to tell me this,
this story was viewed by 6 people before i published it and they never mentioned any thing like that
Your description is filled with grammer issues. If you cannot be bothered to make sure a few sentences are error free, we can't expect anything better from the story itself.
6058078
First off this is my fist story and I expected for people to look past grammer to the story itself
And second I am not a college grad I am a 7th grader and I tried to fix it the best I could and I knew there were going to be mistakes NO ONE IS PERFECT
6058078
But thanks for commenting and I will try to fix it
6058945 Dont worry, mistakes happen. I think your story is great! I'm a 7th grader too and my story has grammar issues too so NO WORRIES
wait. I don't get what happened
6761035
What dont you understand?
Suggestion! Take your stories to your English teacher, if not her/him try one of the other teachers in the English department.
You have no idea how good it makes a teacher feel seeing a student ,even if it is not one of theirs, using what they are trying to teach and operating on more than three brain cells.
Good luck. B.D.
7007484
Good suggstion ill keep that in mind thanks. If i may ask, what is your personal opinion on my story??
7007783
well as has been said I feel as if you are going way too fast. You have a jump of five years in the first two chapters. While that might not be a problem in some stores, however in this one that jump covers some rather important things. Embers recovery, learning to fit In with ponies, her relationship with Spike. You give no indications of why or how their relationship went from "Hi" to love and then a sexual one.
You most likely have this worked out in your mind but you need to let the rest of us in on it. Outside of your trust in spellcheck, keep in mind that it only tell you if the word is spelled right not if it is the right word,
(example ) won and win is too spellcheck is fine with this, your math teacher would have a stroke [one an one is two ]
The one thing that I find annoying is referring to Ember as a dragon half, it might work better and read smoother if you used "half dragon"
Keep writing, the story premise is good. Remember no one started out as polished writer everyone started out making mistakes.
Good luck B.D.
7007947
Thank you for making the points of the five year gap that will be the next chapter. And i do not have an editor so i'm the only one who sees it before its published. Thanks for the input. I would also like to hear you thoughts on my other story Moonlit Shadows, if you don't mind reading it.