• Published 29th Mar 2015
  • 7,800 Views, 739 Comments

My Name Is Floyd Damn You! - shagohad12

A young man named Floyd is trapped inside of Pinkie Pie, and goes on a quest to find himself.

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[Non-canon] Floyd In: Out Of Body Experience [non-canon]

Author's Note:

This is a 'crossover' with Fictional Fanatic's story: This is Worse! This isn't all that canon, so you can either disregard it or consider it an omake. And no, this is the only chapter that'll be like this. Keep an eye on his story for this chapters companion.

“Diane~” I hear the singsong voice of Pinkie Pie right in my ear, waking me up.

“Who the hell is Diane...?” I ask, sitting up and rubbing my head.

“You, silly!” Pinkie says, giggling a little. ”Come on, the Cakes have already made breakfast, and you’ve already slept in. It’s already ten AM,” Pinkie tells me.

“What the hell are you talking about, Pinkie?” I ask, opening my eyes and looking up at her.

Pinkie stops and looks at me. “You’re not Diane... Who are you?” she asks, not moving, simply looking at me while standing completely still.

“Pinkie... why are we back in Ponyville?” I ask, realizing we’re in her room.

Pinkie Pie sighs. “Yeah, alright. Look, I don’t know who you are, or what you know. But right now, you’re in the body of my new sister Diane Pie. And until you woke up today, she and I have been getting her accustomed to Ponyville. Now, it seem you’ve woken up in her body. I don’t know about you, but I’d say we’re going to Twilight about this,” Pinkie says before trotting over to the door, no longer smiling but frowning slightly instead.

“Okay, what?” I ask.

“We’re grabbing something quick to eat before heading off to Twilight’s. Any objections?” she asks, not looking at me while resting a hoof on the doorknob.

“No.” I pull the covers over my head, curling up into a ball.

“Wait. no as you don’t have any objections or no as in you don’t want to come?” Pinkie asks

“Just go away.” I pull the covers tight around me, taking comfort in their warmth.

For a moment I don’t hear anything, but then I hear hoofsteps coming closer and Pinkie Pie speaks up from right next to me.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” she asks softly.

“I said go away!” I snap at her.

“I can’t leave you like this! I want to help you,” she says. “Please, let me,” she begs, I can almost hear her making the puppy eyes at me.

“Get the hell away from me!” I scream, ignoring the tears forming in my eyes. To my surprise, I could hear her moving away a bit. I peek out, looking at her.

“Please. I want to help you. But I can’t if you won’t let me,” Pinkie said, her hair having deflated and tears brimming her eyes.

“Just... go away...” I quickly pull my head back under the covers. Oh god. I made Pinkie cry. I’m just a horrible fucking person aren’t I?

“You really want me to just go away?” she asks me. I don’t answer her, starting to sob in the pillow, pinning my ears to my head.

I hear her take a hesitant step towards me, before beginning to make her way over to me slowly. As she comes close she hesitates again before I feel her arms surround me and she hugs me. I bury my face into her chest, crying my eyes out. She says nothing as I cry, she just keeps hugging me and calmly stroking the back of my head. I eventually notice Gummy worm his way in next to us.

As I begin calming down, I hear Pinkie speaking again.

“Don’t worry. Everything will be fine, and if not, I’ll be here to help you,” she says before moving over so that she could look me in the eyes.

“I-I’m sorry...” I look away, unable to meet her eyes. “I d-didn’t mean to yell...”

“I know. And I’m sorry too. I should have noticed you were in no condition to walk out. If you’re okay with it, I’ll go and get us some breakfast. Gummy will keep you company until I’m back,” she says, looking at me for confirmation.

“Okay...” I nod, scooping Gummy up and holding him close.

Pinkie simply nods and walks out of the room, carefully closing the door and walking away silently, leaving me alone with my thoughts for a while. I cuddle the little alligator, letting out a long sigh. “You’re lucky, you know, little guy... at least you know who you're supposed to be...” I mutter, looking down at him.

He simply looks back at me, blinking with one eye at the time before chomping down at a lock of my hair. I laugh softly and close my eyes, just relaxing.

Eventually, I hear Pinkie Pie returning. She opens the door with a hind hoof and enters backwards while balancing a tray on her head, containing what smells like french toast and cinnamon, her mane back to its normal poofiness.

“Hey, I brought breakfast,” she says, setting the tray down on a stool next to the wall, before coming over and sitting down next to me.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” she asks.

“You wouldn’t understand...” I sit up, placing Gummy in my lap.

“Maybe. But you don’t know that. And if anything, it always feels better when you talk about something,” she says.

“I...” I sigh, leaning back, “I don’t even know who am I anymore...”

“What do you mean?” she asks.

“It’s a long, sad story Pinkie...” I look at her, brushing some hair out of my face.

“We’ve got time. It’s our day off,” she explains. I nod before starting to tell her my story, petting Gummy’s head as I do so.

“So um... I’m Shale... or I was supposed to be... I don’t even know anymore...”

“Just take it slow. I’m here, so just speak at your own pace.” I nod, going through the story, glancing at her every now and then to get her reactions. She seems to go through several emotions as she listens, sadness, understanding, regret, anger and many more. But not once does she interrupt me.

“And that's it... we were on our way to Manehattan when I woke up here...”

Pinkie said nothing, simply sitting there thinking over what I had told her. “You know, with everything that happened to you, I think there’s only one proper response,” she says after a while.

“What’s that, Pinkie?” I ask, tilting my head.

“A party!” she exclaims, confetti popping out from her as she jumps up and lands on her hind legs, spreading her arms wide and smiling at me.

“Uh... what?” I blink, raising my eyebrow. “That's what you took from that?”

“Of course. That’s what you need. A party. Well... maybe not one of those big parties with loud music and a lot of ponies, but something smaller. Still, I think a party is just what you need,” she says.

I blink, thinking it over. “I haven’t had a Pinkie party yet...” I mutter before nodding at her.

“What? You have been in Equestria how long and not had a Pinkie party yet? We have to fix that immediately!” Pinkie says before stopping. “You’re alright if I invite my friends, right?” she asks me.

“Pinkie, I just told you I’ve been in your body for the past few weeks, at what point could you have thrown me a party?” I question, raising my eyebrow.

“That is no excuse! I could still talk, couldn’t I? And if anypony should be able to help me set up a party when I don’t have a body of my own, it’d be you. Of course, there was also that other stallion you mentioned could see me, he could have helped out as well,” she says.

“We both had other things on our mind than a party, Pinkie.” I roll my eyes. “Like, ya know, the whole ‘body snatching’ thing.”

“I guess...” she says hesitantly. “Alright then. But right now, that is exactly what I think you need, and it is exactly what you’re going to get.”

“Alright Pinkie, and yeah, you can get the girls too.” I smile at her.

“Alright. Um... I might be gone a while, will you be alright with only Gummy here?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.” I nod, getting comfy in the bed. “Plus, I got Q too.”

“Q?” She asks.

I grab a leftover piece of food, dangling it in front of my mane. It doesn’t take long for Q to pop out, snatching the piece and retreating back into hiding.

“See? Q!” I smirk.

“Aww, that’s so cute. Fluttershy would love that. But I’d better get going now if I want to get all the girls together, as well as make sure we get everything for the party ready,” she says before waving goodbye and leaving the room.

I relax, coaxing Q out, watching him try to get Gummy to play with him. “I don’t think that's going to work out, buddy.” I chuckle, as he nips at Gummy’s tail.

Gummy just sits there, seemingly not paying attention before suddenly snapping at Q’s own tail, only not managing to keep his grip as he doesn’t have any teeth. Q jumps back, rather excited to have a playmate. He starts a war dance, clumsily jumping around. Gummy however just sits still as he blinks and then licks his left eye once.

“Yeah, I didn’t expect you get get anything out of him.” I chuckle, pulling Q close, doing my best to play with him, hooves aren’t as good as hands ya know. We just chill there, waiting for Pinkie to come back.

About half an hour later, a winded Pinkie appears in the door, drawing large breaths.

“You have to - excuse me. I - managed to get - to everyone real quick. But Fluttershy - wasn’t sure she could come because of her animals, so I offered to help her out. So I’m going to be out for a while longer and helping her so that she can attend the party. Oh, and Twilight asked if you had anything against her coming over. She’d like to speak with you before the party.” Pinkie explained, regaining her breath half through her explanation. While speaking, she had also been looking through her closet and throwing out things that weren’t what she was looking for. These things included mostly party supplies like streamers, paint, balloons, and bags of confetti. But some other things that I saw were a lawn chair, a few bricks and her Mare Do Well costume.

“No, I wouldn’t mind Twilight stopping over,” I tell her while watching, letting Q nibble my hoof. “It’d help to have someone else to talk to.”

“Great! I’ll tell her on my way to Fluttershy’s. Also, Twilight might act a bit... weird. I dunno. She didn’t really trust Diane much at first, and she might be like that towards you too. Just a heads up,” Pinkie tells me before going over to the door, some kind of bundle on her back. “See ya soon,” she says, saluting before zipping out the door.

“I’ll try not to break down on her...” I sigh, returning my attention to Q, who is trying to steal the hat to Pinkie’s Mare Do Well costume. “We are not taking that.” I take it from him, putting it on the nightstand and out of his weasley reach.

It didn’t take long until a knock could be heard on the door. “Excuse me, may I come in?” The voice of Twilight Sparkle came through.

“Yes Purple Smart, Pink Floyd has decided you are worthy of their presence.” I snicker, pulling Q into a cuddle as Twilight opens the door with a confused expression before she refocuses.

“Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Pink Floyd. My name is Twilight Sparkle, and Pinkie Pie informed me that you were from another world like ours and that you needed a party. We had another like you named Diane before, but now it seems we have you here instead. So, in favor of figuring out what is going on, I came to try and figure it out, as well as try and help you in any way I can,” Twilight said, before taking on a serious expression. “And please, don’t call me Purple Smart.”

“Why not? It’s better than Star Butt.” I smirk, petting Q’s head.

“Because it’s both impolite and will most likely begin to circulate in other circles of Ponyville if you call me that in public. It’s not my name, and I could never live with ponies calling me that. My name is Twilight and I prefer being called by my name,” she explains.

“Wow Twily, way to be a buzz kill...” I roll my eyes. “No wonder you're so damn awkward...”

Twilight sighs. “I’m sorry. But I really dislike being called nicknames like that. Such ones as Twily are alright, or other ones that are similar. But please, when in public I’d enjoy it if you called me by my real name.”

“Alright, alright, whatever you want.” I nod, looking at her. “So... ask away...”

“Thank you. Now, as Pinkie told me, I’m going to ask you about what you are willing to speak to me about first. This way we’ll be able to avoid topics you’d rather not speak of.

“I got nothing to hide Twi, so just ask away.”

“Alright. From what Pinkie told me, you came from another Equestria, however, in that Equestria you inhabit the body of Pinkie Pie instead of, like Diane, a clone of her. I was wondering how you would compare the two experiences.”

“I can’t tell an objective difference though it is... quiet...” I frown, noting the lack of any... Pinkie...

“What do you mean?”

“See, back home, I can hear and see Pinkie, she’s an astral projection at the moment and she can hear my thoughts...” I hold Q close, starting to get uncomfortable.

“But now that you’re here, you can neither see or hear her,” Twilight finishes for me. “Suddenly being without her must be quite different for you.”

“Yeah...” I nod, not looking at her.

“But, I imagine you are looking into a way for you to get your own body, or at the very least to give Pinkie back control over her own. Am I right?”

“I can’t keep stealing her body... it isn’t fair to her...” I nod, busying my mind with playing with Q.

“Then, may I suggest a different way of looking at your visit here?”

“Oh yeah? How’s that?” I tilt my head.

“Think about this time here as training. I can tell that you’re not comfortable without Pinkie, but if you feel that way now, will it not be the same once she gets her body back? If you get one of your own, would you still feel this way? If you can overcome that now, it would be much easier to do it later on,” Twilight reasoned.

“That's... true...” I nod, looking at her. “So... anything else?”

“Well. I was thinking of comparing notes, and if I know myself, I think my other self would more than likely be interested as well. So, I was wondering what we could find that’s different between our Equestrias. So, to simplify, I’m going to read out a few things and you’re going to tell me which of them coincide with yours, and which don’t.”

“Fire away!” I nod.

Of course, this meant the next hour or so was spent listening to Twilight talking about Equestria, and naturally she began with the story of the three tribes and the history of Equestria. As we eventually reached the subject of modern Equestria, I found out that this world was behind mine. Discord had yet to be reformed and the most recent major event had been that of the Pinkie Pie clones from the mirror pool.

“You’re behind me, Twilight,” I interrupt her, “I’m past you in the timeline... thing... whatever...”

“Wait, you mean that everything that has already happened in your Equestria has yet to happen in ours? Interesting. It is almost as if you’ve traveled back in time, but without the consequences of altering the future and creating a paradox by never going back in time. However, I’d rather not have you tell me anything that is going to happen in the future. I swear, I’ll never live down the time I met myself from the future.” Twilight said, groaning.

“I wasn’t going to tell you anyway.” I shrug before snickering. “You totally looked like Big Boss.”

“I would like to ask who this ‘Big Boss’ is, but I’m almost afraid to ask for fear of it being something related to the future. So I guess there aren’t any more differences from there on out besides lesser events,” Twilight says, sighing. “I’m almost disappointed with how little of a difference we found,” she admits.

“Well, Blueblood isn’t a dick, Limestone is a horrible person... uh...our Celestia is a big troll, Luna’s guard is headed by a guy named Azrael...” I list, rubbing my chin.

“Uwah? Celestia is a TROLL? How does that even make sense?”

“No, troll as in, she likes to mess with people.”

“Oh, well that makes more sense. I don’t understand what it has to do with trolls though. Also, I don’t really know who this Limestone is and I think Princess Luna actually manages her own guard so there is no need for a captain,” Twilight tells me.

“And then there's the fact that Celestia’s guard captain is a changeling...”

“Well, I couldn’t say for sure if that’s the case here. All I know is that the acting captain after my brother is a mare called Gleaming Shield.”

I can’t help but let out a laugh. “Oh that's hilarious!”

“Oh, how come?” She asks.

“Because in universes where genders are swapped, Gleaming Shield is the female version of your brother.”

“Wait. Why would you say that?” she asks, looking at me suspiciously.

“Same reason I know that male you is named ‘Dusk Shine.’” I smirk at her.

“And what reason could that be?”

“I know what I know boy... but I’m not tellin’ it.” I chuckle, watching as Q waddled up to her, sniffing at her hoof.

“Well, I suppose it isn’t important anyway. Well, with all of these comparisons, we’ve found a surprisingly small amount of differences. Well, besides the few things you mentioned in the end. You sounded rather certain, but I don’t think you’ve met this Limestone today. Why would you believe she’s different here.

“Because my Limestone is a bitch who pushed around Pinkie and her other siblings. I mean like shove a foal and abuse them verbally.” I snort. “Besides, Pinkie already told me she’s helped her Limestone when she broke down, which I assure you, has never happened back home.”

“I see.”

“I bet you do.”


“Nothing...” I sigh, looking away.

“Well, I have no more questions. Perhaps I could answer any you would have?”

“You have no more questions? That's... kinda hard to believe, Twilight.” I blink, gazing back at her.

“Well, what more could I ask? I’ve already asked Diane all I could before she stopped and said that too much influence from another world could end up being bad. As much as I hate to agree with her on that, she’s right. And from you, I’ve already gathered everything I possibly could about this other Equestria and I don’t feel comfortable asking you personal questions,” she explains.

“Just ask them Twilight... maybe it’ll help sort my head out...” I nod, watching as Q jumps onto Twilight’s back.

“Well, I suppose if you’re alright with it... I think one of the things I’d like to ask how it was for you to adapt both to a new world and a new body. I know a little of what Diane was comfortable telling me about, but it’s always good to have notes to compare, and currently you’ve woken up in a new body twice.”

“Oh you know... theres the guilt over never being able to make up with my parents, the guilt of stealing Pinkie’s body, so uh... guilty I guess. Lots and lots of soul crushing guilt.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. If you don’t feel comfortable with this-”

“I’m fine, Twilight,” I inform her quickly.

Sighing, she looks at me. “Look, I don’t feel comfortable sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong, and this obviously is bringing forth bad memories for you. What do you say we do something else until Pinkie comes back?” she suggests.

“Twilight, I already told you, I need to work this stuff out.” I glare slightly. “So, again, ask away.”

“Right, if you say so. How are you currently coping with your loss of friends and family in the other Equestria?” she asks me rather bluntly.

“I got Maud, so... whenever I have a breakdown, she’s there for me.” I smile as Q pops out of Twilight’s mane, looking down over her head.

“I feel like that isn’t the healthiest of solutions. But I don’t know my way around psychology, so whatever works, I guess. Next, I can’t help but notice your pet here being rather... questionable. Like, how come he’s here, while your Pinkie Pie is not?”

“I guess because he was in my mane. He does weird crap like that.” I shrug. “He likes you though.” I smile.

“And we’re back on Pinkie Pie level again. Terrific,” Twilight says, facehoofing as the door opens.

“Did somepony say my name?” asks Pinkie as she comes in, pushing her party cannon inside.

“Hi... uh sis...” I wave at her.

“So, you and Twilight getting along well?” she asks, putting the party cannon away into her cupboard.

“Yup.” I nod a little, chuckling as Q nips at Twilight’s ear.

“Alright. That’s good, because I totally need help with setting up this party,” she says before opening the same cupboard, a bunch of party supplies falling out instead of the party cannon she had placed there a moment earlier.

“I’ve never set up a party before... at least ones that don’t involve drugs.” I ponder, gingerly taking a step out of bed.

“Oh, no,” Pinkie says as Twilight suddenly decides to ask the million dollar question.

“What’s drugs?”

“Hey man, the only thing I ever did was peyote and that was strictly for... reasons!” I defend, pointing a hoof at Pinkie.

Pinkie just shakes her head and looks at Twilight. “Trust me, you don’t want to know.”

“Uh, okay? Well, what was it that you needed help with exactly?” she asks instead.

Pinkie just smiles before we get pulled into a confusing and confounding montage about preparing a party. There wasn’t any music, but it still worked out somehow.

As the others arrive, Pinkie smiles at them all before nodding at them and they all together shout: “Surprise!”

“Gah!” I jump up, smacking the ceiling and landing in a heap on the floor. “Ow...” I moan out.

“Oh no! Are you alright?” Rarity asks as Pinkie comes over and looks over my head with a worried look.

“Yeah, I’m good...” I get to my hooves, shaking my head.

“Sorry. I thought you’d enjoy a surprise party.” Pinkie apologizes.

“No. no, it’s fine.” I put on a smile and nuzzle her a bit.

“Good, now how about we get this party going? I’m itching for some of those cupcakes,” Rainbow Dash says.

“Rainbow, be nice. This is a party for Floyd,” Twilight points out.

The others decide to introduce themselves and after that the party goes much like expected. We play some games, make small talk and enjoy the sweets and music as well as dance. The more unexpected things are how Fluttershy seems to not be as shy as I imagined as well as really tired, seeing as she sleeps through some of the louder music. Pinkie explains it was due to how wild her animals had been lately and suggested they should all look into it tomorrow. But otherwise, it’s a nice and very enjoyable party. Of course, the cider could have been better if it had been the hard stuff.

But as the party comes to an end, we end up seeing them all off... besides Fluttershy, who had fallen asleep due to exhaustion.

“Well... that was fun...” I comment, shutting the door behind them. I yawn, stretching my body out, getting a nice pop from my back.

“Of course it was fun, wouldn’t have been a party otherwise, silly,” Pinkie responds with a tired voice while looking at Fluttershy sleeping away on her bed.

“Hey Pinkie... can I ask you something?” I ask, looking at the floor.

“Uh-huh.” She nods, looking at me.

“Is there... a Shale Pie here?” I ask slowly.

“I’m not sure. I haven’t heard that name before, but It’s possible. Granny Pie might now, but I haven’t met her in a long time,” Pinkie answers.

“Oh... nevermind then...” I shake my head.

“I can look it up later if you want to know for sure. That is, if you haven’t gone back yet by then.”

“I know who Shale is, Pinkie... I was hoping to talk to talk to you about it but... if you don’t already know...”

“Well, I can’t say I’m not curious. And you wouldn’t bring it up without a good reason, right?”

“If you think you can deal with it...” I nod, taking a breath. “Shale is... was supposed to be the fifth Pie daughter, born two years after you and Marble.”

Pinkie blinks in surprise for a while before her ears begin sagging a little. “Was supposed to be? What happened?” she asks.

“She was stillborn...” I whisper out, not looking at her.

“I see,” Pinkie answers after a while. “However, why bring this up? I can kind of see that it isn’t completely out of nowhere, seeing as it has to do with our family, but why did you bring it up? I’m sure my family would have told me whenever they thought I was ready.”

“Because... I am Shale... or at least her reincarnation...” I sit down, closing my eyes.

I soon feel Pinkie settling down next to me and holding me close.

“I guess it was a shock to find out, huh?”

“Pinkie, I don’t even know who the fuck I am anymore.”

“Really? I find that hard to believe. Because I know exactly who you are,” Pinkie states.

“Oh yeah? Who's that?” I ask, looking at her.

Looking back at me she pokes me in the chest with a hoof. “You are you. No matter where you find yourself, no matter what body you find yourself in, no matter what name people give you or call you by, you will always be yourself. There’s a reason why ponies say that somepony isn’t themselves when they choose to act differently. If you change, you don’t stop being yourself either, you just change who yourself is. That’s who you are, yourself. And you can choose to be however you wish to be, all it takes is a little dedication and some work and no matter what, you’ll find yourself not only yourself, but the self you want to be,” she says, looking at me with serious eyes. “And if that still won’t let you see who you are, then aim to change yourself until you know exactly who you are.”

I can’t help but smile. “If only it were that simple... At least not for me anyway.”

“And why would that be?”

“Because I’m a mess... you gave me some of your instability...” I chuckle, letting out a long sigh.

“Instability...” Pinkie mutters. “Well, one thing’s for certain. You aren’t me, that’s for sure,” she says, smiling, before she begins chuckling, and then laughing. Fluttershy moves a bit, disturbed by Pinkie’s loud laughter.

“Yeah, laugh it up Pinkie...” I roll my eyes, trying not to laugh with her.

“Sorry. I just felt like a good laugh. But yeah, we need to keep it down for Fluttershy. But I think she has the right idea, while it isn’t that late yet, today has been pretty exhausting and we could all go for a good night’s sleep.”

“Sure Pinkie, I don’t mind sleeping with my sister and her adorable friend. As they say, incest is wincest,” I say with the straightest face I can manage.

Pinkie turns towards me and gives me the strangest look before mouthing “P.G. Rated” at me. I roll my eyes, mouthing back “Git Gud.” I leave it at that, climbing into bed, cuddling with Fluttershy.

“Floyd, I don’t think Fluttershy would be very comfortable with waking up with you in the same bed as her. I’m sure she wouldn’t have minded if you would have asked her before she fell asleep, but I don’t think she needs such a surprise for when she wakes up, and if Diane comes back overnight, I don’t think he needs one like that as well,” Pinkie says while smiling. “Although It would be pretty funny.”

“You’re no fun...” I roll my eyes, sliding out of bed, letting out another yawn.

“Come on, you can sleep in Diane’s bed together with me instead since Fluttershy is hogging mine,” Pinkie suggests.

“You sure this is PG, Pinkie?” I ask with a smirk.

Sighing, she lays down on the bed before speaking. “Head out of the gutter, Floyd,” she says, shaking her head.

“Pinkie, I don’t even swing, I’m just trying to get a reaction. It’s called trolling.” I climb in, getting comfy.

“Le mad?” she asks.

“...Shuddup Pinkie, you’re garbage.”

“I’m just going to take that as a compliment,” she says, getting comfy.

“Goodnight...” I close my eyes, letting myself drift off to sleep.

“Goodnight Floyd, sleep tight, and don’t let the bug beds bite,” she says, winking audibly.

“Just go to sleep...”

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