• Member Since 27th May, 2014
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Aceman67


36 year old Brony who loves all things Sci-Fi

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Everypony knows about Pinkie's 'Pinkie Sense'. She's saved many a pony from calamity, often with hilarious outcomes, and Pinkie is ok with that. So long as nopony suspects that there's something else happening; something dark that Pinkie is hiding.

It all started on her family's rock farm when she was but a filly. Pinkie was watching over her foalsister Marble while the rest of the family were away for the afternoon. Above a loud deafening noise reverberates through the air, causing both fillies to cower in fear. Before Pinkie could react, a fiery streak of light shoots past her field of vision, through the head of her sister.

I was inspired to write this after playing the DontNod Entertainment video game "Life is Strange".

Cover by Raikoh-Illust

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 9 )

Nice, man. Amazing concept, and good writing, although I did notice that the quality fell a bit the closer you came to the end of the chapter. Don't rush while you're writing. As tempting as it may be to just up and rush for the end, you must resist the urge, or the world is DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!! Or just down one potentially great story. Anyways, prepare for a full, in-depth critique.

Ahem.

At the beginning, when the present (future?) Pinkie is narrating, I feel like the tone isn't cheerful enough. I know that it isn't supposed to be very cheerful, but it just doesn't strike me as a style Pinkie would write in.

Frustrated, I raised my voice to sing. "Outtie outtie lets be free!"

First of all, replace the period with a colon. Then add an apostrophe between the 't' and the 's' in 'lets'. "Let's" is a contraction of "let us", after all. And finally, a comma between 'Outtie outtie' and 'let's be free!' wouldn't hurt.

Now, while I don't believe there is anything technically wrong with the way that is phrased or the tense it is in, it is a bit bulky. Instead, try saying: "Frustrated, I raised my voice and sang: 'Outtie outtie, let's be free!'"

Towards the end, you play around with font sizes. That's totally cool, but I had trouble reading the smallest font you used, and I have 20/20 vision. Either raise the size of the smallest only, or proportionally increase all of it.

If you thought that being aware of everything but not being present was difficult to explain, then the sensation of the world rushing in, collapsing on itself doesn't do it justice either.

Do justice to what? The way that's phrased, it appears as if you're saying the sensation of the world rushing in doesn't do being aware of everything justice. Try saying: "then the sensation of the world rushing in, collapsing on itself can't be done justice either.

There are a couple of other things that I noticed, but this comment is getting a bit long. PM me, and we can talk. I'd be glad to be a proofreader! That is, if you'll have me. :fluttershysad: :fluttercry:

5781941
Thank you for the comment, it's refreshing to actually get constructive criticism for a change. As for any mistakes, you can chalk that up to insomnia and being rushed out the door to get to a Dentist appointment (I started writing this at 3am, and was at the dentist by 8 w/ no sleep). There should have been more mistakes, but Grammarly was a big help...

As for "outtie outtie lets be free", it's a variation on "Olly Olly Oxen Free", which in itself is a mispronunciation of the german phrase "alle alle auch sind frei" (translates to "everyone is also free"). As for punctuation on 'lets', the way I used it is correct for the situation. When you're saying something like "Let's go to the mall", the apostrophe makes the word mean "let us", in this instance however it's meant to convey the act of allowing or permission, like "My mom lets me use her car if I fill the tank."

The other changes you've mentioned, I'm going to make the changes now.

As for the tone of the story not being cheerful, that's as intended. Pinkie in this instance has let her 'guard' down, so to speak. She's revealing while not actually saying anything that her demeanor, while very much a part of who she is, it's also a facade to hide this secret. There's a reason why I added the Tragedy tag. That and she's mellowed somewhat, being an old lady and all.

I think I'll take you up on your offer to proofread, I'll PM you once I've put my nieces to bed.

This is a really good story with a good concept; and it's really sad.
Any story involving the main characters in their old age automatically qualifies as sad for me, for some reason.
I eagerly await the next update :)

5801750 Thank you for the kind words. I might start writing the next chapter tonight after I'm done playing STO for a while. I think there're only two chapters left, if you've liked what I've done so far, I think you'll like what I have in mind for the ending.

I assumed the Ferryman made a new stone or had to work more closely with the Fates since he didn't have a stone

Did you know that your brain is more creative at night? Nighttime is when I get my story ideas. "Stories?" you ask. "What stories?" The ones I vow to write but never actually do.

buh. You made me cry. Sneaking in ninjas and onions like that. I had hoped Dash lived.

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