- Member Since 4th Jun, 2014
- offline last seen May 12th, 2018
Cetuximab
Programming apprentice who used to write.
Cetuximab
Joined 4th Jun, 2014 ·
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- Cetuximab · 2.3k words · 13 1 · 480 views
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All these dislikes and not a single comment on why.
Aye, lad. Show me shit, don't tell me, arrrr.
5725440 Exactly.
I like it, it's pretty good. All the stories with heterosexual couples tend to get boring after a while.
The story itself looks good, I like the idea it is nice to see a different ship with Shinning and Brae. I will say the wording and grammar is a little rough but all in all I say a good job. All I'd say you really need is a friend to help with the editing and prof reading. All in all I'd really like to see where this goes.
Right, yeah, you need an editor, and double check if the " ' " key is working.
For the love of story telling, Show don't tell the saying is cliche, but all writers have it engraved on their pen. I'm talking about stuff like this.
You could have left out that line, and had her raise her eyebrows. That's enough information for us, the reader, to know Shining is acting a little out of character. This currently feels like a high school essay, trying to impress the teacher. The narrator is clunky, and odd word choices in several places. You did the dialogue quite well, honestly better than I manage when I write these characters.
As much as I'd love to help you, I really can't due to my own obligations. Read a lot, write a lot, get an editor that will yell at you, and this story could really shine. I really like the concept, and the pairing is freaking adorable.
One other thing, does Shining already know he's gay? It seems like he does, but how has he made it that far without knowing what a crush feels like? If he didn't, and suddenly has feelings for Brea, it would be a little more interesting, and add some internal conflict.
PLEASE MAKE MORE OF THE STORY!!!!!!!
oh please make more, the story is good and sound. plus as a bonus it feels good in my book. i would love to see this go on further.
6291417
Okay.
For real though - A small comment from my end as to why this update is coming out almost half a year later than the first chapter was posted:
Back when I wrote chapter 1, I didn't really like it while writing, the whole perspective felt weird to me and nothing really came out as I wanted it to. Some of you have noticed that, especially because of the grammar that produced. I admit, I didn't even look for an editor for this story. But I took the advice of reading up on writing to heart. But don't fall under the impression that that influenced the second chapter of the story.
Even though I bought a book on writing and some other literature to just read through, this second chapter was completed around end of March. I just didn't find the strength to proofread the draft. Mainly because I was so upset with the story myself. Whenever I read over a few lines, I got mad at myself and closed Notepad again. Today I reached the final line. It might not be the best I could possibly do ( and at this point I've given up on trying to improve this story ), but it is the end and it should be posted.
So for those of you who came back after almost half a year - Thank you for reading
Daaaaw.
6301630
You've legitimately come a long way. I'm still running across three problems, one of which is minor, but can still kill a story. The two big ones are: While you can write a story in present tense, it isn't recommended, because it's assumed by the reader that anything written down has happened in the past. I'm not saying this is right, but it's the way it is. To me it makes the prose confusing. There are several books that do it well, The Hunger Games comes to mind. Most of them appear to be written in first person. If you use a third person narrator, like you are, assume he's telling someone else what he saw. He can't really give a play-by-play.
The second is still the good old, Show Don't Tell.
"Shining is about as nervous..." The metaphor there doesn't... work. We know Twilight is happy, under the circumstances, but not how happy she is. You could finish it with the dumb saying, "As a cat in a room full of rocking chairs," and be perfectly fine. That's still kind of telling though. To really show, as a suggestion:
"Shining Armor's knees shake a little at the mention of Breaburn. It suddenly feels very hot in the room and he notices his palms are sweaty."
The third is subject-noun agreement. This is the minor one that can still kill you. You're just going to have to memorize what's plural and what's not. And stuff like "pajama" should be plural. Unless you specify "pajama set," then pajamas is the plural and singular... I'm 95% sure. The English language is fun with this kind of stuff. Also, at the end of a complete sentence in quotations, use a period. UNLESS
"I'm not sure you have room to speak," said Shining. For our purposes let's call the "said Shining" part a tag. Tags can come before or after quotations. They are used to tell the reader what's happening with the speakers voice. "Shining yelled," "Shining said, trying not to betray his emotions," are all tags. If a quotation ends with a tag, it remains part of the whole sentence and doesn't follow capitalization, and the leading quotation ends with a coma. If you end a sentence or paragraph with a quotation, like this extended example:
"Hey, I was wondering if you were a total f-----t like I am?" Shining asked Breaburn, "You're really cute and every time I think about you it's filthy and dirty." Note how that's all technically one sentence, but the quotations are two sentences.
"Yeah, I love sucking dick; I can do it all day! Let's go to the guest room and... celebrate." note the period.
Also, if you don't like your story, keep writing until you do. You may go crazy but that's why the stereotype for alcoholic writers exists. Hunter S. Thompson immediately comes to mind. Do not be afraid to toss it out completely. Cheers, and happy writing.
6319011
First of all, thanks for taking the time to write a comment this long and profound. It's not everyday you see someone taking their time to write to constructive criticism. I’ll keep what you said in mind when writing again.
I know the shining x braeburn is sorta uncommon, but it's still super cute and I loved it. Keep writing!