Programming apprentice who used to write.
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Derpy tales743 stories ·1,208 members
For several years now, the winters in Canterlot have been too warm and dry for snow even to think about falling. And this year is now different.
But it doesn't stop Derpy from dreaming. But there might be a way for her to finally get that white Christmas that she's been dreaming of for so long now.
The question is: will it work or will it go horribly wrong?
Rated teen for drug references
Non-Christmas cover art because I couldn't find one that I liked enough
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Derpy later became addicted to crystal meth. She is now one of the classiest hookers in manehattan
Somehow, I expected this to involve bukkake.
Sweet. Weird, but sweet.
Ok. First thing: The story seems to be promising. The start is really interesting with this hillarious naive attitude from Derpy. (In my imagination she isn't soooo bubly - but its your story and the idea is funny).
But then. This epic wall of blocktext. I tried to read. Really. It just didn't work.
So my tip for you: Use return. Build paragraphs sepparate paragraphs from one another. Seriosly, looking at a plain wall of text, without indentions is just ardous for the eyes.
As a rule of the thumb: A paragraph contains one thought. So if you change on the subject you should use a vertical indent - a white line (no pun intendet).
Some authors use horizontal indents - starting each new paragraph with an tab (not my style, but as you can see above, equally effective).
In the second chapter it gets better, but i would prefer paragraphs between, say, three and seven lines. Really it is easier to read this way.
So I managed to read this heap of words. Yes. Its funny. Started to asking me how much cocaine you would get for 100 $ ... let alone how much caffeine...
The story has a funny twist.
- If there were misspellings i didn't get them. (So there may be a few)
- the wording is good.
So the only real point of critique is the formatting. Without this, the story would be a lot better.
5423596
First of all, thank you for taking the time to point this out. It's always nice to see someone take the time to write helpful comment.
I usually make smaller paragraphs, but when writing something it is easier for me to quickly scroll through larger documents with the huge blocks to find a certain line. I know what is in each block and can quickly scroll over it without looking.
This time however I forgot to make the paragraphs out of them in the end.
And regarding your your question:
The price for cocaine in America varies for every region, depending on supply and request.
But $10 for a "dime bag" (0.1-0.15g) seems to be average. In regions like Texas where the matter is easier to receive, a $10 dime bag would contain about 0.4g.
Wikipedia Source
5423349
Thank you. Glad you liked it.
5423116
It might have, if it would't be tagged for non-sexual content. I seriously felt like I extracted some of the lines from a bad adult movie.
5422727
I'm just go with "okay" on this one...