a chick who loves ponies both real and animated
Prism Bolt is having reservations about going to his best friends wedding. He has since come to an understanding with her groom Hot Head, but can't bring himself to fully support his friends decision. After the ceremony, he chats with an old fling who knows his pain. Maybe he can find something new here too.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Basic advice:
Formatting. This is a wall of text and that makes it very difficult to read. When you use a line break, leave an empty line for proper spacing.
Wrong:
Pies are delicious, and well known for being awesome.
"I love pie!" Soarin said.
Right:
Pies are delicious, and well known for being awesome.
"I love pie!" Soarin said.
It's not very obvious in that example, but this story is a perfect example of why you should do it in general. It really improves readability.
Lacking dialogue attribution or any description. Conversations in real life don't happen like IM conversations. People move, have facial expressions, react to what they are hearing and so forth. Read out every line of dialogue like the character in question would say it. Make a mental note as to how you do so. How do you speak? What parts do you enunciate? Does your expression change? What about any body language? These are little bits of flair that make a story that much more interesting. Also, they serve to break up the monotony of a back and forth conversation. Also, something I got screwed up on in the past is dialogue attribution. When ending a piece of dialogue:
“I’ll be right back Sweetheart.” She called back to Hot Head Wrong
“I’ll be right back, sweetheart,” she called back to Hot Head Right
Basically, when you have a sentence with dialogue that ends with a dialogue identifier, you finish the dialogue with a comma, not a period. If the dialogue would not have a period as a punctuation (like a question, which would obviously use a question mark) then you use the proper piece of punctuation.
So:
("What are you saying?" she asked.) is correct.
("You'd better not say that again." he threatened.) is not.
I also see storytelling flaws here, but I think we should focus on the basics before we worry about that. To be brief: Pacing is all over the place, suspension of disbelief (forming a flying group that does nothing different? Why? How did they fund it? What's the purpose of it?) characters speak in an unrealistic fashion, as if they know they are just being exposition machines for the benefit of the reader.
I'm not saying there is nothing good here. You are a novice, clearly, but you DID put effort into this. It's spell checked, many 'idiot' mistakes are not present. You've got promise, but there are a lot of rough edges that you are going to need to sand down.
Good luck!
-Lumino
.............
Please note that my following reaction is in no way anything against this story or you.
But seriously, I concur with LuminoZero. A pet peeve of mine are stories who don't put spaces between dialogues. I apologize if I offended you in any way.
5613369 Thank you so much for your constructive criticism. You're right I am very new to this. This is the very first thing I've ever put out so I really appreciate you going over some blaring flaws with it, and giving suggestions on how to fix them. The whole idea my 'Exposition Machines" is really just to explain something, that whole first paragrah is just a set up for the real meat and potatoes in the story later. But it is lazy writing at the end of the day and I'll be sure to work on that in future endeavors. As far as formatting goes, I'm trying to figure that out, because I just copy/paste it from a word document, so maybe you could tell me how to properly format it once it's on FimFiction, that would be greatly appreciated.
I hope this isn't a complete train wreck, because I got really inspired and I'm new writer and I really put my heart into this. I'm just a real green horn.
5613441 Not at all
I'll try to fix that
5613579
Psh, being new isn't a crime. Don't let any egomaniac tell you different, we all started bad. You don't get good without sucking first.
I write my stories in Word, and I tend to write them just like I said, an extra line any time I use a line break. The important (and obnoxious) thing is that Copy/Paste can have some nasty effects on formatting. When I send it to a Google Doc for my proofreader, it screws up with indents. When I paste it to FimFic, it usually screws up any HTML Tags (Bold, italics, etc) that I use.
There really is no way besides putting it on the site and seeing how it looks, then making alterations as you need to. Obnoxious, yes, but needed. Whenever you paste a story to FimFic you should ALWAYS give it a once over before you submit it. Sometimes really glaring formatting issues happen.
-Lumino