Hungry

Team Brachydios53 stories ·28 members

Hungry

We are going to tell thou a secret. 'It's our secret! Thou may not tell others. And 'tis not just our secret. 'Tis our current life. Do not harden thou selves in pity for us. We just ask thou to remain speechless and listen.

Takes place before Luna's transformation. Enjoy!

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 5 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 5
- Newest First
- Oldest First

NLR Info Minister

NLR Info Minister #1 · Feb 5th, 2015 · 1 · ·

It's a cool idea, but desperately needs an editor who can clean up the middle English and awkward overall format/structure. The improper use of "thee" and "thou", coupled with a confusing paragraph layout made it difficult to appreciate the story.

_____________

_____________ #2 · Apr 19th, 2015 · · ·

interesting story you have there. I liked seeing the transformation into Nightmare Moon from Luna's perspective, and the 'miasma' is kind of a cool concept (poor Luna. The ending line was my favorite part).

If you wouldn't mind me butting in to give some advice, though, I just have one suggestion to improve this.
We let our anger and jealousy build until we grew strong
It would be nice to get more into her head on that one if you know what I'm trying to say. Maybe give us a taste of what that anger and jealousy was like, more of her thoughts (not to say that you weren't doing this at some parts). That's all.

DiscordFan

DiscordFan #3 · Apr 19th, 2015 · · ·

5880306

I think I might know what you mean. You want to know more of her jealously and hatred, and how Miasma put it to use.

Yes? No? Maybe so?

_____________

_____________ #4 · Apr 19th, 2015 · · ·

5880345 I guess so, but I was more referring to just a 'show, don't tell' thing. You can really go for it here, too, because you don't have the restraint of also trying to make the character likable since she's going evil here! When I attempt to do an introspective story, I'm almost trying to be persuasive. Make the reader see the situation in a whole new light and explain/'justify' a character's actions. Whether I succeed in that respect is a whole other can o' beans, but I believe you can do it!