Day 1
Far beyond the fudge waterfall burbling out of the Rock Candy Mountains, It lay. Past pancake fields of frosting flowers and cavorting cotton candy sheep, It lurked. Beyond brown sugar shores of the Soda Sea, glistening sweetly in the buttery sun, past forests of gingerbread trees with fondant leaves, It loomed. Yet, despite the supreme influence It held over the surrounding land, one who sought It in the immense city of cake buildings and ice cream houses would have been hard pressed to find Its location.
Within this bizarre metropolis, populated by ponies made of marshmallow with candy-button eyes, was one solitary building neither edible nor colorful, entirely nondescript, save that its very unremarkableness was remarkable: one story, four walls, a flat roof, all rendered in grey stone. It was not imposing, but pitiable, quintessentially overlooked thanks to the monuments to sweet excess rising around it.
Yet within this humble edifice It resided: a simple alarm clock, wrought in pink-enameled metal, the greatest force in all the land. The face, unmarked save for large letters at the top position, was adorned with an image of a smiling pink pony, her forelegs the clock hands. In the past, these hooves had twisted and turned one way or another, neither rhyme nor reason guiding them, crossing and uncrossing at random, but on this day, at this hour, both ticked upwards to that word, written large where a twelve should have been:
BIOLOGY
Slowly, inexorably, the large hoof crept towards it. Time slowed as its path took it within a hair's breadth of its partner. With a final, echoing click, the two hooves met at the apex. The alignment was complete. The bells rang.
The pealing pierced the walls of the stone edifice, coruscated throughout the city, rushed through the gingerbread forest and over the Soda Sea, tintinnabulated across the pancake fields and rose triumphantly up to the peak of the Rock Candy Mountains, where it lifted skyward. The sound's momentum built, rolling upon itself as it traveled, so that it blasted against the ceiling which held this realm in check, and found its final resting place within the ears of one Pinkamina Diane Pie.
Pinkie's eyelids fluttered open, and retracted completely as her eyes bugged outward. Disregarding the pegasus mare sleeping beside her, she bolted straight up and let forth a proclamation with the sort of tone and volume generally reserved for only the direst of emergencies. That was why Rainbow Dash flipped out of bed and scrambled beneath at the shout, fearing for her life as never before.
"I WANNA HAVE A BABY!"
The Clock Is Ticking
a My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic fanfiction
by Present Perfect
Day 1
"Twi, you've gotta help me! She's been at it for hours now! It's driving me crazy!"
Rainbow Dash's incessant midair pacing had sent Spike huddling in a corner behind a makeshift book fort while Twilight watched, unimpressed, from the center of the room.
"Dare I ask why in Equestria Pinkie Pie is baking buns nonstop?" Twilight used only her best "dealing with Pinkie Pie" voice.
Rainbow stopped, gritted her teeth, and said, "She wants to have a baby. And somewhere in that Pinkie Pie brain of hers, she remembered hearing something about 'a bun in the oven' that has to do with babies." She slapped her forehead with a hoof and drew it slowly down her face. "And I can't convince her it's a metaphor."
"Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Back up a second." Twilight held up a hoof. "Pinkie wants what?"
"A baby! She knocked me out of bed this morning yelling about babies! It's been nothing but a nightmare with her since!"
Twilight pursed her lips. "Well, it's obvious Pinkie doesn't know the first thing about babies."
"Coulda fooled me." Rainbow Dash puffed air at the lock of mane hanging over her eyes.
"Why don't you bring her here? I've got lots of books on pony anatomy, pony families, pony intercourse..."
"Err, let's start with the basics," Rainbow said hurriedly. "We can just explain to her how babies are made and then..."
The air was filled with a sound not unlike a distant jackhammer, or a colony of bees inside the walls. Ponies and dragon turned their gazes towards the front door of the library. Along with the sound of vibration, there was distinctly a muffled voice coming from that direction. Twilight cleared her throat.
"Umm... Come in?"
The door swung open. On the stoop was a pink blur. It was her hopping up and down on the stoop and producing the buzzing sound, which was growing to cacophonous intensity.
In a quiet voice, almost to herself, she was repeating, "Babies... Babies everywhere... Babies, babies..." Upon seeing the occupants of the library, she said, in a normal speaking voice, "Hi Dashie, hi Twilight, hi Spike!" before resuming her mantra.
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "You see? All. Day."
Twilight's eyes were understandably wide as she watched Pinkie vibrate around the room, knocking over a potted plant when she got too close to it. Twilight caught the unfortunate fern, reoriented it, and then cleared her throat once more.
"Sooo, Pinkie! Rainbow Dash tells me you want to have a baby!"
Pinkie immediately ceased all vibration. "That's right, Twilight! Only problem is, I dunno how! I mean, I've been baking buns all morning, but not one single baby pony has shown up!"
Twilight and Rainbow exchanged glances. "So I've heard. Rainbow wanted me to help you out by explaining..." Twilight blinked. Her cheek twitched and a single hair frizzed straight up out of her bangs. "Pinkie... Why exactly did you show up here just as we were talking about you?"
"Ooh, a guessing game!" Pinkie bounced once, then stuck out her tongue. "Ohh, that's easy: I felt a twitchy-twitch in my left ear, and then my right back knee shook twice and my tongue went wooooooop!" She swirled it about in the air to demonstrate. "And that means somepony is talking about me and I should go to the library! So I hippity-hopped on over! I mean, where else am I gonna learn about how to have a baby, Twilight? I mean, duh!"
Twilight's mouth hung open, so Rainbow Dash took the opportunity to cut in. "Pinkie, making babies is... Well, it's kind of complicated. And it definitely does not involve baking. You tell her, Twilight."
The unicorn's mouth worked silently for a few moments. "Seriously, Rainbow, why do I need to tell her? She's your wife!"
"Because you're the egghead!"
"Yeah, Twilight!" Pinkie bounced in place. "You're really good at explaining things! Unlock the mystical mysteries of babymaking for me!"
"Well... okay then..." She cleared her throat, levitating over a pair of glasses, a chalkboard easel, a piece of chalk and a pointer. With the assistance of crude chalk drawings, she explained the ins and outs of baby creation, from the role of male and female to gametes, gestation, and finally parenthood. Rainbow Dash cut short a side lecture on genetics, but Pinkie eagerly digested everything. It was, Rainbow was happy to note, the quietest Pinkie had been all morning.
"And so, Pinkie," Twilight finished, collapsing her pointer, "what you've experienced is something called your 'biological clock' going off. It happens to mares sometimes when they reach a certain age; everything in their body goes crazy and makes them want to have children."
"Wow!" Pinkie was agog. "I didn't even realize I had a clock inside me until now! If I'd known sooner, I never would have been late for anything ever!"
"It's not that kind of clock." Twilight took her glasses off and forced a smile. "So, do you have any questions?"
"Just one! You said a lot of stuff about tabs and slots, and birds and bees, and maybe levers and pulleys I think? But that sounds gross and weird, so how about you tell me and Dashie how we can do it ourselves?" Pinkie's grin threatened to escape the confines of her face.
There was a sound like two hooves impacting two faces, which was precisely what happened.
"Pinkie," Dash pleaded, "we can't do it ourselves, weren't you listening?"
"Of course I was, Dashie! What do you think I am, some kind of no-listeny-pants?"
"Pinkie," Twilight cut in, "you and Dash can't make a baby yourselves, but you do have some options. For starters, you could always find a stallion to be the father. I'd recommend somepony you know well, maybe... I don't know, Big Macintosh?"
Rainbow Dash blanched, while Pinkie began giggling.
"No, that doesn't sound like fun. Besides, I heard from Fluttershy that Big Macintosh has a really big wing-ding, so it'd probably hurt!"
Now it was Rainbow Dash's turn to laugh as Twilight gathered her jaw up from the floor.
"Well, uhh..." She fiddled with her glasses while trying to bring the immense red flush on her face under control. She coughed three times, and her voice came out as a squeak. "There's always adoption."
"Hey, that's a great idea," Rainbow Dash said. "There's all kinds of foals who need loving homes!"
Pinkie put a hoof to her chin, thinking about oranges and grapes for some reason.
"Well... It would be a nice thing to do. But my bi-logical clockamajig says I wanna make my own baby. So, maybe next time?"
Rainbow Dash became very quiet and wide-eyed at that.
"Oh, Twilight," Pinkie said, pouting, "isn't there anything you can do? You know all kinds of spells and stuff! There's gotta be something for making babies happen!"
Twilight shook her head. "I'm sorry, Pinkie, there's no way to just create life through magic. And if there were, it would probably be illegal."
Pinkie continued to pout. "Well, what if you just took a little bit of me and a little bit of Rainbow Dash to make a baby?"
Twilight frowned, thinking. "You know what? I think I might just know a spell!"
The pegasus perked up. "Thank Celestia! Do it, Twi, whatever it is!"
"So long as it's legal!" Pinkie added, singsong.
"Well..." Twilight swallowed. "I'll have to do some research. I know the spell exists, but it's very complicated, not to mention dangerous. However, if I can pull it off..." She smiled. "You can both be parents. Are you up to it?"
Rainbow and Pinkie exchanged smiles.
"I am if you are, Pink!"
Twilight got serious for a moment. "It's a lot of responsibility, Rainbow Dash. Have you thought this through?"
"Pfft." Rainbow waved her hoof. "Sure I have. My middle name's Responsibility! Lay it on me!"
"And I know everything about raising babies from foalsitting for the Cakes!" Pinkie leapt up and wrapped Twilight in a massive hug, giggling and knocking the unicorn on her rump. "And my middle name's also Responsibility! So it's settled! Do whatcha gotta do, Twilight!
"I'll do what I can, girls. Anything for my friends!"
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Oh lord.
This is gonna be... Yeah.
...Carry on, my friend.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Oh lord... and this is where it all begins...
When I first saw that cover art, I thought there was something wrong with Pinkie. And then I noticed the clock.
I shall be along for this ride. Everyone aboard the Babymobile!
First fiction I've read in a while that feels like I'm reading straight from the show. Looking forward to next Sunday, and the Sunday after that, and the Sunday after that!
Why wouldn't Pinkie know where babies come from?
5575598
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Also because it's funny. :B
stuffo.hswstatic.com/stufftoblowyourmind/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2013/12/Homunculuslab.jpg
Got this one covered.
It's finally happeningggggg
Oh, this ought to be rich. Favorite and tracking. I'll just wait there until next Sunday
Nice.
A weekly update... Hmm, how many chapters?
Nitpicks:
"And I know everything about raising babies from foalsitting for the cakes!"
Cakes
"There's all kinds of foals "
There are
I love the premise for this story. It's basically a metaphor for the dilemmas facing a lot of women I know. The cold open may have been a bit heavy handed (showing a literal biological clock). Still, there are very few stories on Fimfiction addressing women's issues (not surprising given the demographics of Fimfiction), so I'm very interested in seeing how this story develops.
5576160
I hope you're not setting yourself up for disappointment. <.< I mean, this is a comedy, after all, I'm not trying to tackle weighty issues in the least. And it's kind of more a men's issues story, if anything. Just saying...
Plz update soon
5576299 this story updates Sundays
I just read the description and I think my friend StarRunner sums up our reaction quite nicely...
Just a series of cockbocks huh?
5576401 yay
5577195 yeah
5577194
Well, not just that... :V
>dat biology clock
Jesus, you've hooked me even before the title.
Definitely going to keep an eye on this story.
5577205 Stop pissing out featured stories, it's spamming the featured box.
5577465
I believe you have mistaken me for short skirts and explosions, sir :V
doho
But no, srsly, this didn't get featured. :B That I know of, anyway.
5577522
noh go away
5577522 No, but it's in the hot box on the right. :D
5577522 No, I have not. I have seen your name on the featured board many times before.
5578324
ooh :O
Nicely done! I think that you really understand all of the ponies personalities and the story is really accurate to how pinkie pie would actually do if this was an actual episode of mlp FIM. 9/10
Dawn of
The First Day
-168 Hours Remain-
Noice!
5587832 RED ALERT! RED ALERT! APPROACHING HIGH LEVELS OF REFERENCE!
Goddammit, Present. I can't believe I'm gonna read this
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I was under the impression her middle name was Danger. As in "DANGER don't have a baby with Pinkie."
5595118
Rainbow Danger
ElizabethDestinyResponsibility Dash :B5596858 Crap. (As in how I feel right now.)
5597860
I wanted to have that joke in that scene, but I just couldn't fit it in. :/
5598266
Dear God, how did Pinkie make it all the way through dating and marriage without knowing where babies come from?
The whole premise is just hilarious. And the PinkieDash is cute, so, onward!
I would like to think that Pinkie is a little more aware about where babies come from (considering she's lived with the Cakes and stuff). But I'll continue with this.
It must say something about the amount of shipping I do that up until this point, I also forgot that two mares can't actually biologically reproduce.
This is...actually, this is pretty good! My mental picture of the scenes match up perfectly with the show, and the thing with the internal clock ticking in her mind was well done!
Kudos to you, my good sir.
Just tell me now, how much gin do I need to make it through to the end of this? Large orders take time you know.
Oh, poor Dashie. Something tells me this is gonna hurt (one way or another).
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