Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie want to have a baby. But when Twilight casts a sex-change spell on Rainbow, will a week be enough time for them to do the deed?
Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie's marriage was going great until Pinkie suddenly decided she wanted babies. How was she supposed to know making them takes more than just friendship?
Thankfully, Twilight has just the spell to help them out! Now Pinkie and Rainbow Dash -- or rather, Rainbow Blitz -- have a whole week to do the deed.
If only things didn't keep getting in their way...
Far beyond the fudge waterfall burbling out of the Rock Candy Mountains, It lay. Past pancake fields of frosting flowers and cavorting cotton candy sheep, It lurked. Beyond brown sugar shores of the Soda Sea, glistening sweetly in the buttery sun, past forests of gingerbread trees with fondant leaves, It loomed. Yet, despite the supreme influence It held over the surrounding land, one who sought It in the immense city of cake buildings and ice cream houses would have been hard pressed to find Its location.
Within this bizarre metropolis, populated by ponies made of marshmallow with candy-button eyes, was one solitary building neither edible nor colorful, entirely nondescript, save that its very unremarkableness was remarkable: one story, four walls, a flat roof, all rendered in grey stone. It was not imposing, but pitiable, quintessentially overlooked thanks to the monuments to sweet excess rising around it.
Yet within this humble edifice It resided: a simple alarm clock, wrought in pink-enameled metal, the greatest force in all the land. The face, unmarked save for large letters at the top position, was adorned with an image of a smiling pink pony, her forelegs the clock hands. In the past, these hooves had twisted and turned one way or another, neither rhyme nor reason guiding them, crossing and uncrossing at random, but on this day, at this hour, both ticked upwards to that word, written large where a twelve should have been:
BIOLOGY
Slowly, inexorably, the large hoof crept towards it. Time slowed as its path took it within a hair's breadth of its partner. With a final, echoing click, the two hooves met at the apex. The alignment was complete. The bells rang.
The pealing pierced the walls of the stone edifice, coruscated throughout the city, rushed through the gingerbread forest and over the Soda Sea, tintinnabulated across the pancake fields and rose triumphantly up to the peak of the Rock Candy Mountains, where it lifted skyward. The sound's momentum built, rolling upon itself as it traveled, so that it blasted against the ceiling which held this realm in check, and found its final resting place within the ears of one Pinkamina Diane Pie.
Pinkie's eyelids fluttered open, and retracted completely as her eyes bugged outward. Disregarding the pegasus mare sleeping beside her, she bolted straight up and let forth a proclamation with the sort of tone and volume generally reserved for only the direst of emergencies. That was why Rainbow Dash flipped out of bed and scrambled beneath at the shout, fearing for her life as never before.
"I WANNA HAVE A BABY!"
The Clock Is Ticking a My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic fanfiction by Present Perfect
Day 1
"Twi, you've gotta help me! She's been at it for hours now! It's driving me crazy!"
Rainbow Dash's incessant midair pacing had sent Spike huddling in a corner behind a makeshift book fort while Twilight watched, unimpressed, from the center of the room.
"Dare I ask why in Equestria Pinkie Pie is baking buns nonstop?" Twilight used only her best "dealing with Pinkie Pie" voice.
Rainbow stopped, gritted her teeth, and said, "She wants to have a baby. And somewhere in that Pinkie Pie brain of hers, she remembered hearing something about 'a bun in the oven' that has to do with babies." She slapped her forehead with a hoof and drew it slowly down her face. "And I can't convince her it's a metaphor."
"Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Back up a second." Twilight held up a hoof. "Pinkie wants what?"
"A baby! She knocked me out of bed this morning yelling about babies! It's been nothing but a nightmare with her since!"
Twilight pursed her lips. "Well, it's obvious Pinkie doesn't know the first thing about babies."
"Coulda fooled me." Rainbow Dash puffed air at the lock of mane hanging over her eyes.
"Why don't you bring her here? I've got lots of books on pony anatomy, pony families, pony intercourse..."
"Err, let's start with the basics," Rainbow said hurriedly. "We can just explain to her how babies are made and then..."
The air was filled with a sound not unlike a distant jackhammer, or a colony of bees inside the walls. Ponies and dragon turned their gazes towards the front door of the library. Along with the sound of vibration, there was distinctly a muffled voice coming from that direction. Twilight cleared her throat.
"Umm... Come in?"
The door swung open. On the stoop was a pink blur. It was her hopping up and down on the stoop and producing the buzzing sound, which was growing to cacophonous intensity.
In a quiet voice, almost to herself, she was repeating, "Babies... Babies everywhere... Babies, babies..." Upon seeing the occupants of the library, she said, in a normal speaking voice, "Hi Dashie, hi Twilight, hi Spike!" before resuming her mantra.
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "You see? All. Day."
Twilight's eyes were understandably wide as she watched Pinkie vibrate around the room, knocking over a potted plant when she got too close to it. Twilight caught the unfortunate fern, reoriented it, and then cleared her throat once more.
"Sooo, Pinkie! Rainbow Dash tells me you want to have a baby!"
Pinkie immediately ceased all vibration. "That's right, Twilight! Only problem is, I dunno how! I mean, I've been baking buns all morning, but not one single baby pony has shown up!"
Twilight and Rainbow exchanged glances. "So I've heard. Rainbow wanted me to help you out by explaining..." Twilight blinked. Her cheek twitched and a single hair frizzed straight up out of her bangs. "Pinkie... Why exactly did you show up here just as we were talking about you?"
"Ooh, a guessing game!" Pinkie bounced once, then stuck out her tongue. "Ohh, that's easy: I felt a twitchy-twitch in my left ear, and then my right back knee shook twice and my tongue went wooooooop!" She swirled it about in the air to demonstrate. "And that means somepony is talking about me and I should go to the library! So I hippity-hopped on over! I mean, where else am I gonna learn about how to have a baby, Twilight? I mean, duh!"
Twilight's mouth hung open, so Rainbow Dash took the opportunity to cut in. "Pinkie, making babies is... Well, it's kind of complicated. And it definitely does not involve baking. You tell her, Twilight."
The unicorn's mouth worked silently for a few moments. "Seriously, Rainbow, why do I need to tell her? She's your wife!"
"Because you're the egghead!"
"Yeah, Twilight!" Pinkie bounced in place. "You're really good at explaining things! Unlock the mystical mysteries of babymaking for me!"
"Well... okay then..." She cleared her throat, levitating over a pair of glasses, a chalkboard easel, a piece of chalk and a pointer. With the assistance of crude chalk drawings, she explained the ins and outs of baby creation, from the role of male and female to gametes, gestation, and finally parenthood. Rainbow Dash cut short a side lecture on genetics, but Pinkie eagerly digested everything. It was, Rainbow was happy to note, the quietest Pinkie had been all morning.
"And so, Pinkie," Twilight finished, collapsing her pointer, "what you've experienced is something called your 'biological clock' going off. It happens to mares sometimes when they reach a certain age; everything in their body goes crazy and makes them want to have children."
"Wow!" Pinkie was agog. "I didn't even realize I had a clock inside me until now! If I'd known sooner, I never would have been late for anything ever!"
"It's not that kind of clock." Twilight took her glasses off and forced a smile. "So, do you have any questions?"
"Just one! You said a lot of stuff about tabs and slots, and birds and bees, and maybe levers and pulleys I think? But that sounds gross and weird, so how about you tell me and Dashie how we can do it ourselves?" Pinkie's grin threatened to escape the confines of her face.
There was a sound like two hooves impacting two faces, which was precisely what happened.
"Pinkie," Dash pleaded, "we can't do it ourselves, weren't you listening?"
"Of course I was, Dashie! What do you think I am, some kind of no-listeny-pants?"
"Pinkie," Twilight cut in, "you and Dash can't make a baby yourselves, but you do have some options. For starters, you could always find a stallion to be the father. I'd recommend somepony you know well, maybe... I don't know, Big Macintosh?"
Rainbow Dash blanched, while Pinkie began giggling.
"No, that doesn't sound like fun. Besides, I heard from Fluttershy that Big Macintosh has a really big wing-ding, so it'd probably hurt!"
Now it was Rainbow Dash's turn to laugh as Twilight gathered her jaw up from the floor.
"Well, uhh..." She fiddled with her glasses while trying to bring the immense red flush on her face under control. She coughed three times, and her voice came out as a squeak. "There's always adoption."
"Hey, that's a great idea," Rainbow Dash said. "There's all kinds of foals who need loving homes!"
Pinkie put a hoof to her chin, thinking about oranges and grapes for some reason.
"Well... It would be a nice thing to do. But my bi-logical clockamajig says I wanna make my own baby. So, maybe next time?"
Rainbow Dash became very quiet and wide-eyed at that.
"Oh, Twilight," Pinkie said, pouting, "isn't there anything you can do? You know all kinds of spells and stuff! There's gotta be something for making babies happen!"
Twilight shook her head. "I'm sorry, Pinkie, there's no way to just create life through magic. And if there were, it would probably be illegal."
Pinkie continued to pout. "Well, what if you just took a little bit of me and a little bit of Rainbow Dash to make a baby?"
Twilight frowned, thinking. "You know what? I think I might just know a spell!"
The pegasus perked up. "Thank Celestia! Do it, Twi, whatever it is!"
"So long as it's legal!" Pinkie added, singsong.
"Well..." Twilight swallowed. "I'll have to do some research. I know the spell exists, but it's very complicated, not to mention dangerous. However, if I can pull it off..." She smiled. "You can both be parents. Are you up to it?"
Rainbow and Pinkie exchanged smiles.
"I am if you are, Pink!"
Twilight got serious for a moment. "It's a lot of responsibility, Rainbow Dash. Have you thought this through?"
"Pfft." Rainbow waved her hoof. "Sure I have. My middle name's Responsibility! Lay it on me!"
"And I know everything about raising babies from foalsitting for the Cakes!" Pinkie leapt up and wrapped Twilight in a massive hug, giggling and knocking the unicorn on her rump. "And my middle name's also Responsibility! So it's settled! Do whatcha gotta do, Twilight!
"I'll do what I can, girls. Anything for my friends!"
It took Twilight an entire day to locate, decode, and prepare the spell, but once she felt ready, she called all her friends together in the library. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie had been informed of the spell's effects, but the others were still in the dark.
"Ah don't get it, Twilight," Applejack said, scratching her head. "Whattaya need all of us here for, anyway?"
"I'm casting a spell on Rainbow Dash," Twilight said. "I just want you all to see it first-hoof, so you aren't surprised by the outcome."
Applejack exchanged looks with Fluttershy and Rarity, who shrugged.
"I suppose we will just have to wait and see," said Rarity.
"Ready, Twi?" Rainbow asked, all but bouncing in place.
Twilight nodded. "Just stand there. I've got all the components at hoof. Now let me just run over them one more time to be sure..."
"C'mooooon Twilight!" Pinkie exclaimed, hopping up and down. "I wanna throw Rainbow Dash a party after you cast the spell!"
"All right! I'm ready! I'll need complete silence!" Twilight squeezed her eyes shut, and the glow of her horn suffused the room. "Three, two..."
Beams of light shot out, surrounded Rainbow Dash, and lifted her gently from the floor. The ponies had to cover their eyes, aside from Pinkie Pie, who just so happened to have produced a pair of emergency sunglasses. The glow intensified, then broke with a flash. They blinked stars out of their eyes and heard four hooves hit the floor.
"Did it work, did it work?" Pinkie asked a potted plant. "I can't see through these glasses!"
"I think so, Pinkie," said a gravelly voice. "Whoa... It really did work!"
"It did!" Twilight squealed. "Everypony, look!"
Though still a blue pegasus with rainbow mane, tail and cutie mark, Rainbow Dash had grown a few inches in height as well as bulk. Her fetlocks had grown out, and her eyebrows were more prominent, as was a very square jaw. She spread her wings experimentally and found her wingspan had likewise.
Twilight clapped her hooves together. "Rainbow Dash, you're a stallion now!"
There was a murmur of awe from the other ponies present.
"Wow, Twi, that was quite the trick!" exclaimed Applejack.
"Why Rainbow Dash, just look how handsome you are!" Rarity said, smiling. "Ohh, I'll have to break out my tuxedo patterns while there's still time!"
"Y-yes, Rainbow Dash," said Fluttershy weakly. "You're very... oh my..."
There was a noise like a bleating gloat, and Fluttershy stiffened and fell over, a small trickle of blood coming out of her nose. Applejack and Rarity gave each other a look and set about righting their friend. Pinkie bounced over to Rainbow and gave the new stallion a nuzzle.
"Wow, Rainbow Dash, you look great!"
"Thanks, Pink." Rainbow grinned, giving his hooves a shake. "Man, it's gonna take forever to get used to how my voice sounds."
"Well," said Twilight, "you've got a week. That should be more than enough time for you two to... you know." She elbowed Rainbow, grinning and waggling her eyebrows.
Rainbow fixed her with a tired gaze. "Twilight, that was dorky as hay, never do that again."
Pinkie Pie hopped in place. "This is so exciting, Rainbow Dash! I can't wait to get started!"
A chorus of muffled coughs sounded around the room.
"That's your filly name, though." Pinkie tilted her head, tapping a hoof against it. "You should have a different name while you're a boy! How about Rainbow, uhh... Rainbow, umm..."
Their friends immediately began rattling off suggestions all at once.
"Rainbow Chunk!"
"Handsome Dash!"
"Dash the Mighty?"
"How 'bout Rainbow Kicker?"
"Ooh, I know, Cloud Stomper!"
"Really, darling, Strong Dash would be most fitting."
Twilight cleared her throat and all eyes turned to her, behind a wooden lectern atop which was one of the largest books in the library. When she was certain she had everypony's attention, she lifted her head primly and said, "Spectrum Sprint."
"Ehh..." Rainbow made a face. "Honestly, girls, it's okay. I can keep my name no problem."
"But what will you tell the weather patrol?" Fluttershy asked.
"Uhh... Okay, you have a point." Rainbow moved to the lectern. "Lemme see that book, Twilight, what is it?"
"It's a thesaurus!" Twilight smiled brightly, turning the book for Rainbow to see. "You look up words and it provides lots of other words that mean almost the same thing."
"Huh." Rainbow nodded and glanced at the page, which was already on 'dash'. He scanned the entry, then his head shot up, a determined look on his face.
"Rainbow Blitz!"
There was an instant outpouring of, "Yeah!" and "That's really cool!" The ponies crowded around the lectern, stomping their hooves in approval.
Rainbow grinned at them. "And we'll just tell everypony that I'm Rainbow Dash's brother, from Cloudsdale! And that she's... off, tending to a family emergency?"
Twilight frowned. "That won't work. Why wouldn't her brother be there too?"
Rainbow's face betrayed a tiny bit of fear. "Oh, uh, how about she's... auditioning for the Wonderbolts! And I'm here to take her place on the weather team."
Rarity shook her head. "What would ponies think when Rainbow Dash returns in a week and isn't a Wonderbolt? You yourself would be heartbroken! My word, this is already getting confusing!"
"Why don'tcha just tell 'em the truth if anypony asks?" Applejack raised an eyebrow and looked intently at Rainbow, who rolled his eyes.
"Pssh, like that would work. This isn't exactly something that happens every day, AJ. Besides, I don't think our love life is really anypony else's business, you four aside. Plus, you're all assuming this'll take more than a day." He grinned. "But if it happens, we'll deal with it then, right Pinkie?"
Pinkie nodded and made a noise of agreement.
"Awesome."
Rainbow flew into the center of the room, finding himself moving far more quickly than he had anticipated. The larger wings compensated quite nicely for the added bulk, not to mention they seemed to have quite a bit more wingpower than he was used to.
"Well, Pinkie, what're we waiting for?" He swooped down and lifted Pinkie into the air. "Let's go make some babies!"
They shot out the library door, leaving a chorus of whoops, hollers, and well-wishes behind.
Pinkie found herself whisked back to Sugar Cube Corner, up the stairs, and deposited swiftly, if lovingly, onto her bed.
Rainbow Blitz -- it would be hard, getting used to that name -- hovered above her, waggling his lightning-shaped eyebrows at her and grinning. While different than the Dashie she knew and loved, on the outside anyway, she had to admit that those eyebrows were pretty cool. And maybe a little silly. With a snort, she began laughing, and Rainbow's grin faded.
"Uhh, Pinkie, what's up?"
Another snort. "I'm sorry, Dashie... I mean Blitzy!" Very hard to get used to. "I was just thinking about how your eyebrows look like celery!"
Said eyebrows knitted in the middle of Blitz's forehead. "You... wha?"
Pinkie held her sides and rolled back and forth on the bedspread. She kicked her legs and laughed until tears squeezed from her eyes. Blitz crossed his hooves, frowned, and lowered himself onto the edge of the bed.
"Pink, c'mon, gimme a break. This is weird enough as it is. I mean, you're the one who wanted this, so we should just..." He suddenly blushed. "Uh, y'know, um, do the... the deed...?"
Taking deep breaths, Pinkie calmed herself and reached up, patting Blitz on the cheek. "You're right, I'm sorry for laughing so much. I'm kinda nervous, actually, and you know how I get when I'm nervous!"
"You bake muffins," Blitz deadpanned.
"No, I mean the other times when I get nervous! I start laughing at everything because it makes me not so nervous anymore!" She scooted over, patting the left side of the bed. "C'mon, you're right, we should have some fun just to make sure everything works out all right. Plus..." She lifted herself up on one foreleg, batting her eyelashes at Rainbow and reaching up to stroke his chest. "I'd like to get to know the new you a little better."
Blitz grinned once more, his eyebrows rising enough that Pinkie had to bite her lip to keep from laughing again. She was trying, really she was. At least Blitz seemed to take the hint, spreading himself out on the bed beside her and pulling her in close.
As a mare, Rainbow Dash was about the same size as Pinkie, slighter due to her athleticism, and toned and taut where Pinkie tended to be a little more bouncy. Rainbow Blitz, on the other hoof, filled up an entire half of the bed and then some. His muscles were more pronounced, and she smiled to herself as she traced a hoof over them. She could get to like this. Leaning in, she kissed his blunted nose and giggled softly. He kissed her back playfully.
"Rawr!"
Pinkie swung up over him and kissed him again, waggling her eyebrows and eliciting a hearty chuckle from him. He stroked her mane, playing at her lips with his, when all of a sudden she felt something poke her in the tummy.
Her eyes went wide. His eyes went wide and he blushed. Her gaze traced down his neck to his chest, and then down between them. When it settled between his legs, her mouth began to distort. Her head lifted up, cheeks inflating as her eyes began to water. When Pinkie could hold it no longer, her cheeks deflated, releasing a guffaw that rolled her off the bed onto the floor. Holding her stomach, she doubled over in laughter as a rather distraught Rainbow Blitz peered down at her.
"Aww, c'mon, Pinkie... I just got this thing, I can't control what it does!"
"But it's... It's like a big noodle!" She hooted and snorted, pounding the floor with a hoof. "It's so silly!"
"Pinkie..." Blitz's cheeks reddened. "You're making me feel weird here..."
"I'm sorry!" Tears flowed freely from her eyes as Pinkie curled into a tight ball, trying to stop the laughter that was shaking her from poll to pastern. "I'm so sorry! It's too funny!"
Blitz grumbled and rolled over, flicking his wings at her. A knock sounded from the door, and the voice of Mrs. Cake came muffled into the room.
"Pinkie, is everything okay in there? We heard a lot of thumping!"
"Sorry, Mrs. Cake!" Pinkie called. "I'm... haha, I'm okay!" She took a few calming breaths, wiping her eyes with both hooves.
"Well, okay then. Hope I didn't interrupt anything!"
As the sound of hooves clomped away from the door, Blitz mumbled, "Not at all, Mrs. Cake."
Pinkie climbed to her hooves and patted Rainbow on the shoulder. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have laughed, and I feel bad about it. I just... I don't have any experience with boys, you know that, Blitzy." She kissed him on the back of the neck and he murmured something unintelligible.
"Just give me some time," she continued, "to get to know you like this. Once I'm comfy with your new you in a day or two, then we can make all the babies we could ever want!" She bit her lip, brow creasing in worry. "Does that sound good? Can you forgive me?"
Rainbow sniffed, then rolled over to face her and gave her a wan smile. "I've been a colt for less than an hour and I'm already self-conscious about my... stuff." He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I forgive you. This whole thing is kind of weird." He scooted across the bed, rucking up the covers, and patted the coverlet.
"You're right. Let's take it slow. I mean, we've got all week, and I've got that cover story for going to work. I'm sure we'll have plenty to time to make babies." He was finally able to muster a grin and she slid in next to him, spooning up against his chest. "I'll try not to poke you again."
Pinkie smiled, closing her eyes. "And I'll try not to laugh if you do. Love you, Blitzy."
Pinkie woke bright and early to muffled swearing and crashing coming from her bathroom. She rubbed her eyes and yawned, reminding herself that Dash -- Blitz -- had spent the night. That explained it.
She stretched, scratched her back, and jammed her hoof into her mouth, puffing her cheeks and blowing until her mane poofed out to its maximum volume. There was another crash from the bathroom, followed by a crunch.
"Frickin' stupid... dammit!"
"Blitzy, are you okay in there?" Pinkie rolled out of bed, bouncing and smiling to herself. A smile in the morning always made the day better, after all. She trotted to the door with a spring in her step and pressed her ear against it, eyebrows rising at the sounds of hooves slipping over tile and lots more banging and shouting.
"No! Yes! No! I mean, I'm okay!"
Pinkie chewed her lip, still off-guard at the maleness of Rainbow's voice. "Well, if you're sure you don't need any help..."
Another crash made her take a step back. Scrunching up her face, Pinkie surged against the door, only to rebound.
"Just don't come in!" Panic rose in the unfamiliar voice. "I can handle this, I swear!"
"Rainbow, what's going on in there? Let me in!"
There was a muffled curse. "No, seriously, I got this. You... You wouldn't want to see what happened. Trust me."
Pink eyelids blinked slowly. "Do you wanna teeeeell me what happened?"
He swallowed. "It's kind of embarrassing."
"Pleeeeease?"
He sighed. "Well, I got up early 'cause I had to use the little fillies' room. Er, colts' room. Whatever. And then I got in here and..." The voice grew hushed. "I marked far more territory than any one pony should. It went everywhere, Pinkie. Everywhere! How do guys deal with this?"
After a moment of silence, confidence filtered back into his tone. "But I've totally got it under control now! I'll clean everything up and throw away the, uh, uncleanable. I'll be out in a few, Pinks, so don't worry about me!"
Not worrying came easily to Pinkie Pie, as her mind was filled with the image of Rainbow Dash flailing around in the bathroom, spewing lemonade everywhere. Soon, she was rolling on her back, giggling and kicking her hooves like a madmare.
"Pinkie? What are you doing?"
She gulped a few deep breaths to calm herself. "Nothing, Blitzy! You keep doin' whatcha gotta do, and I'll go make you a yummy breakfast before work!"
She got two steps away from the door before it burst open, slamming her into the pile of wrapped presents across the room that she kept around for emergencies.
"Oh my gosh! I totally forgot about work!" Rainbow Blitz chewed his hooves, zipping back and forth between the bathroom doorway, Pinkie, the window and an unremarkable corner of the ceiling. "Oh my gosh, what do I tell them? What do I do? I can't just not show, I'll get fired! And then what'll happen?"
Pinkie rummaged through the presents, popping up with one covered in blue and yellow polka dots. When she popped the lid, it blew a raspberry and sprayed confetti and streamers at just the right angle to coat Rainbow thoroughly.
"Don't fret, Blitzy-poo! It's easy! You just write yourself a note, because it'll tooootally be in your own hoofwriting, saying that Rainbow Dash had to go to Cloudsdale unexpectedly and now Rainbow Blitz is filling in for her!"
Blitz's eyes widened. He shook his head, sending confetti everywhere, and swept Pinkie up in a big hug. "You're right, Pinkie! Why didn't I think of that?" He set her down and zoomed to the one desk in the room, starting the letter while Pinkie hummed happily to herself.
"Don't forget to finish cleaning up the bathroom before you leave!"
"No sweat!" The quill clicked down onto the desk and Blitz whizzed past her into the bathroom, spinning her like a top. A moment later and he whisked back out, planted a kiss on her cheek, and took off through the window, letter in hoof.
Pinkie stopped spinning, teetering drunkenly until she fell over into the bathroom.
"Whoo!"
The bathroom smelled lemony fresh. She couldn't stop laughing.
"So did the letter work?"
Pinkie mmm'd into Rainbow's ear as she sat behind him, carefully working his tired wing muscles with her hooves. A baker's delicate touch was just what the doctor called for in these situations, after all.
"Yeah, no problem," he said languidly, closing his eyes and leaning back against her. "They totally bought it. 'Course, me being another stallion on the team meant I had to do all the hard stuff." He groaned. "Thank you so much for doing this, Pinkie. You're amazing."
Pinkie giggled. "What else are totally awesome, not to mention totally cute, wives for?" She leaned forward and kissed the side of his neck. "So how's about that baby-makin', hmmmmm?"
Rainbow gave a tired laugh and shook his head. "I dunno. After this morning's... accident, I kinda don't wanna look at that thing ever again."
"Awww!" Pinkie slithered around her mate's body, twining under his forelegs and then around to the other side of his head. "But you don't have to look at it, silly," she whispered into his ear. "I'll do all the lookin'."
His wings sprang open.
"You won't even hafta see it once it's in--"
There was a knock at the door. Pinkie and Blitz exchanged looks of mingled confusion and panic.
"Pinkie, it's me!" called Mrs. Cake from the other side. "I'm not waking you, am I?"
The door creaked open and Mrs. Cake's smiling face popped in. "Well, dear, I was just wondering if you'd seen Rainbow Dash around lately. She's usually here, after all, and I had some..."
Mrs. Cake trailed off as she got a good look at just who was sitting on the bed. Her pudgy face went through a series of contortions: squinting and peering; wide-eyed and blushing; and finally, knotting in severe disapproval.
"Pinkamina Pie, I am surprised at you!"
Pinkie shrank back behind Rainbow, experiencing the icicles-gripping-her-heart feeling that was normally reserved for when her mother called her that name. "Uh..."
"Just who is this strange stallion?" Mrs. Cake stepped in from the doorway, but approached no farther.
Pinkie rose from the bed. "Mrs. Cake, I can explain..."
Mrs. Cake's eyes rimmed with tears. "You and Rainbow Dash have something special, Pinkie! How could you just... throw it away like this?" She gripped the hem of her apron. "What will we tell the children? What will we tell the neighbors? Oh, Mr. Cake will be so heartbroken when he finds out..."
"Okay, enough!"
Rainbow Blitz sprang up from the bed and was behind Mrs. Cake in a flash. He slammed the door shut, and the two mares jumped in alarm.
"I am Rainbow Dash, Mrs. Cake." He held up his hooves. "Twilight Sparkle cast a spell on me to make me a stallion for a week. Pinkie's not cheating on me and everything's fine."
Mrs. Cake narrowed her eyes. "You're Rainbow Dash? And just how am I expected to believe this?"
Rainbow rolled his eyes. "You keep the amaretto that Mr. Cake thinks ran out in February in the top shelf above the fridge behind the really ugly cupcake pans."
"Oh my!" Mrs. Cake's hoof flew to her mouth. "It is you, Rainbow!"
Rainbow pressed forward, his eyes pleading. "Mrs. Cake, you have to keep this a secret."
"But maybe you should let Mr. Cake know," Pinkie said slowly, "just so he doesn't jump to the same jumpy conclusions you did!" She jumped, to illustrate the point.
"Oh goodness." Mrs. Cake frowned. "Pinkie, Rainbow, I'm sorry. Don't worry, your secret is safe with Carrot and me. I promise."
They nodded and she left, shutting the door softly behind herself. Rainbow and Pinkie relaxed, smiling at one another.
"Don't worry," Pinkie said. "Things will work out okay, you'll see."
Blitz nodded, then paused. His eyes grew wide and a bead of sweat trickled down his forehead. "Uhh, I wouldn't be so sure about that, Pinkster."
"Oh no!" Pinkie threw her hooves up. "Did I leave dynamite in the cupcakes again?"
"No, I..." Rainbow choked on his next words. "What?"
Pinkie grinned. "Just making sure!"
After a thorough facehoofing, Blitz sighed. "Pinkie, I need to use the bathroom."
There was a pause of exactly fifteen and a quarter seconds as Pinkie processed the implications. "Ohhhhhhhh. Well, I could always give you a hoof..." She batted her eyelashes and grinned.
Blitz turned beet red and spread his wings, backpedaling. "I... think that would be even more embarrassing." As he dashed off to the little colt's room, Pinkie curled up on the bed and laughed.
It's a beautiful day, thought Rainbow Blitz as he walked down Main Street looking for lunch. Learning to fly as a stallion had been a challenge, yes, but he'd overcome it easily thanks to his usual sheer awesomeness. Now he was flying with more power than ever before, which made clearing clouds easier, nevermind the extra work the weather team gave him. He was rightly proud of the work he'd done this morning. Thanks to his newfound prowess, they'd gotten the weather up a whole half hour earlier than anticipated. His coworkers were not shy about being impressed with "Rainbow Dash's brother".
But therein lay the problem. The mares were a little more than just impressed, and he'd found himself the center of unwanted attention on more than one occasion. It was strange. Normally, he liked being the center of attention, but this kind of attention was not the kind that made him feel awesome. Rather, he felt just a little... weird. Or icky. Or something just not-cool.
He didn't quite get it, but even out in the street, it was still going on. As he walked past the cafés and shops of downtown Ponyville, mares turned to watch him. Some followed his path with their eyes, mouths agape. Others spit drinks or suddenly became preoccupied fixing nonexistent problems with their mane. There were fluttering eyelashes. There were half-lidded glances. There were mares everywhere.
He took to the air, speeding toward the marketplace. The flight lasted just a few seconds, but the extra distance between himself and the leering café mares made him feel just that much safer. Not that he felt unsafe or afraid or anything. It was just... weird. Breathing a sigh of relief, he trotted to the first stall vending food.
"Hey, could I have like... three carrots?"
"Sure," said the mare behind the counter, bringing forth the desired number and placing them on the plank in front of her. "Anything for you."
"Uh... Yeah. How much do I owe you?"
The salesmare lidded her eyes. "I never knew Rainbow Dash had such a... strong brother."
Blitz began sweating. "Yeah, well, my, uh, sis was never really, uh, big on talking about her family."
The carrots hit the dirt with a soft thump as the mare slid across the counter. Grinning like a pony fresh from the salt lick, she threw a foreleg around his neck and drew him in close.
"I wouldn't mind talking family with you, big boy," she said, her voice low and husky. "Babies are family, right?"
"Geez, lady, personal space!" He backpedaled as fast as he could out of her embrace, only to bump into another pony behind him.
He whirled around. Unsurprisingly, it was another drunken mare. Literally drunk, as in 'swaying on her hooves'. His eye twitched.
"S-sorry," he mumbled.
Further apology was cut off by a slurred, "You kin bump inta me all you want, hot shtuff, I don' care..."
By then the carrot seller had wormed her way entirely out of her stall. "Hey!" she shouted. "I saw him first! Buzz off!"
The mare he had bumped into scowled, spreading her forelegs and bringing her head close to the ground. "He ain't gotcher name on 'im! Why dontchoo make me?"
Within seconds, they were tussling on the ground, biting, pulling manes, and shouting a whole slew of very unladylike things.
"Yeah," he said, rivers of sweat down his face, "I'm just gonna, uh..." He zipped off, checked himself, zipped back to grab the carrots, then zipped off once more. After all, he'd paid for them already, and he was still hungry.
Unfortunately, his escape from the marketplace did not go unnoticed. Mares caught sight of him and followed below. Bouquets of flowers smacked into his face at high speed. He grabbed one to supplement his lunch while trying not to look behind himself. That way lay only chaos and destruction, a neverending stream of dust clouds marking the spots where mares by the score had begun fighting for the chance to throw their wares at him first.
Did making a foal really need to be this difficult?
The sounds of mortal combat faded and soon he realized he was alone for the first time all morning. Unconsciously, he had made his escape to the safest place in Ponyville he could think of: Fluttershy's cottage.
"Finally," he muttered to himself, "some freakin' quiet."
He chewed on the flowers while debating what to do. Deciding that being chased through downtown by a swarm of crazy ponies didn't count against his lunch hour, he trotted up to the door and knocked.
"Wh-who is it?"
"Hey, it's Rainbow. I--"
Something drew his attention back to the road. From the direction of the marketplace came the sounds of a herd of ponies marching and, if his ears weren't deceiving him, chanting.
He did not want to know what they were saying.
Whirling, he hammered on the door.
"Fluttershy, let me in, help! I'm too ridiculously good-looking for my own good!"
The door creaked open after a second and he disappeared inside, ruing his rainbow contrail. He did a u-turn and landed on his knees, clinging to Fluttershy's leg.
"Hide me, quick, before they find me!"
Fluttershy squeaked and turned a deep shade of umber.
"F-find you? Who..."
The chanting grew in volume until it was audible through the walls.
"Them!"
Fluttershy nodded and pointed to a dark corner behind her sofa. With the application of a decorative rug and a birdhouse, he was soon camouflaged perfectly with the rest of her cottage. The moment his disguise was complete, there came a knock at the door. Fluttershy gave him an over-dramatic wink, then answered it.
"Who iiiis iiiit?" she sang.
"Open up, Fluttershy!" It was the carrot seller. "We know you've got the rainbow hunk in there, and we're not gonna let you keep him all to yourself!"
"Oh my!" Fluttershy gave him another broad wink and opened the door. Poking her head through, she said, "You're absolutely right. He did come in here."
The mares grumbled. Rainbow nibbled at his hooves, the decorative rug soaking with sweat.
"But," Fluttershy continued, "he flew upstairs and right out my back window into the Everfree Forest! I'm so sorry, ladies, but you just missed him."
There was a low commotion outside the door, and the chant resumed.
"What do we want?"
"Man flank!"
"When do we want it?"
"Now!"
Rainbow's blood ran cold.
"To the Forest, ladies! Charge!"
The sound of galloping hoofsteps receded, took a right turn around the cottage, and faded into the distance as Fluttershy closed the door. A list of the numerous horrors lurking in the Everfree momentarily flashed through Rainbow's mind. He wondered if Fluttershy hadn't just sent a large portion of Ponyville's populous to their untimely deaths.
Whatever, they'd be fine.
He jumped up, spilling the birdhouse's occupants to the floor, and gave Fluttershy a tight hug.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you! I was a little scared you were gonna sell me out there, but I never should have doubted you, you're the best friend ever! They've been harrassing me all day and I--"
It was then that Rainbow noticed something odd. For starters, given his enthusiasm plus his increased musculature, he should be crushing the life out of Fluttershy, but she didn't seem to be complaining. For seconds, she was not only returning the hug, but also rubbing her hooves slowly up and down his back. Lastly, she was making little cooing sounds that would have been adorable if not for the ordeal he had just been through.
"Uh, Fluttershy, are you okay?"
With a tiny giggle, she looked up at him, smiling out from behind her mane. Her cheeks were rosy and her eyes unfocused. Rainbow swallowed.
"Oh, Rainbow," she said in a dreamy voice, "I'd never sell you out to those common tarts. Um, excuse my language." She seemed to return to her old self for a moment, but with a small cough, her eyes unfocused once more. "Not when I can have you all to myself!"
She hugged him tightly, nestling her head up under his chin, and he went completely stiff.
Completely.
"Fluttershy, c'mon, hey..." He released his grip, shaking her gently. "I'm still your friend Rainbow Dash, okay? Focus here!"
"Oh my!" Fluttershy shook her head, pushing away from him. "Oh, Rainbow, I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me!"
"I-it's okay." He ran a hoof over his mane, chuckling. "I was afraid for a second that you'd gotten like them."
They both landed, Fluttershy taking deep breaths and Rainbow trying not to look at her.
"Uh..."
"So..."
"W-well." Fluttershy ducked behind her mane, pawing at the ground. "It's just that even if you are Rainbow Dash on the inside, on the outside, well, um..." She swallowed. "I just never have stallions over at my place, a-and you're very handsome, if you don't mind me saying so, that is..."
Rainbow's mouth went dry. "Fluttershy, what are you doing." It wasn't a question, because he couldn't muster the energy to change tone.
"Um, and well, the first time I saw you, I was just s-so surprised, I didn't know what to do..."
He groaned. "C'mon, Flutters, don't do this to me!"
"Oh, Rainbow!" Fluttershy surged forward, catching Rainbow off guard. Despite her slight frame and general lack of athleticism, she knocked him over and pinned him. She stared into his eyes with the intensity of a hungry Everfree predator. He began to sweat once more.
"W-would it..." Her voice broke, and she started whispering. "Would it be too much if I... Um..." She worried her lower lip, eyes fearful but never leaving his. "C-could you kiss me? Just once, I mean. Just a tiny one would be okay... I, I just... I really... I've never..."
"A-ha!"
Both Fluttershy and Rainbow Blitz looked up to the open door. In it stood an earth pony with poofy mane, silhouetted against the noonday sun. She was trying to catch her breath and her voice was unmistakable.
Rainbow swallowed. "Pinkie, this isn't what it looks like, I swear!"
"I knew something was up the moment I saw the marketplace!" Pinkie leapt into the cottage, glaring at both of them. "First the stalls were all empty, then I saw all the food was sitting out in the open, and I mean who leaves their food sitting around without selling it, isn't that what markets are for?" She giggled. "And then I realized there was lots of food lying in the dirt, like a bunch of ponies had trampled it, and then I thought, gasp! stampede! but then my withers got tingly, and that means somepony's gone into the Everfree Forest, which makes no sense, because come on, usually ponies stampede away from the Everfree, and then I got a twitchy tooshie--" Pinkie shook her head, dispelling her momentary smile in favor of her previous glare-- "which means one of my best friends is trying to hustle in on my boo-boo!"
Fluttershy cast a glance from Pinkie down to Rainbow and then back. Only then did Rainbow Blitz understand the true depths of the pure mania gripping all those the mares. If Fluttershy was able to hesitate in front of an irate Pinkie Pie...
He suddenly felt very sorry for the monsters in the forest.
"I-I'm sorry, Pinkie," Fluttershy said at last, stepping away from him. "I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry..."
Pinkie zipped up to her, planting her nose against Fluttershy's and glaring at her. "You'd better be sorry!"
Fluttershy shrank back. "I am."
"And you're not gonna set hoof near Rainbow until he's back to his old mare self, right?"
Fluttershy tried to shrink back more, but Pinkie matched her move for move. "R-right. I Pinkie Promise."
Pinkie smiled good-naturedly. "Okie-day! I'm glad you learned your lesson!" She gave Fluttershy a hug and Rainbow laughed.
"Whew," he said, "I'm glad that's over. You know, Pinks, I've been thinking--"
"Nope!" Pinkie jumped on top of him, growling and glaring as though she hadn't just made up with Fluttershy five seconds ago. "No words outta you, mister! You're coming home with me right now!"
One of Rainbow's lightning-bolt eyebrows rose, but that was all he had time to do before Pinkie grabbed his tail in her teeth and hopped back toward Ponyville. With every hop, he lifted into the air a foot or so and then came slamming back down chin-first into the pavement.
"Pinkie, I-- ow. Can we-- ow. Please-- ow. Talk? Ow!"
"Nope!" Pinkie said through her teeth. "You're gonna have a long time-out to think about what you've done! And no nookie for you tonight!"
Despite the continued jolts of pain through his jaw, Rainbow couldn't help but laugh.
"Pinkie, ow, you can't, ow, know just, ow, how good, ow, that is, ow, to hear!"
Rainbow Blitz was on his guard the next day. There were still clouds that needed bucking and food that needed buying, which meant once again risking the wrath of Ponyville's mad mares. Yet on this day, both the skies and streets were strangely a little more empty. Oh sure, there were ponies around, but -- and Rainbow couldn't quite put his hoof on it -- they all seemed just a bit more...
Masculine.
And they were glaring at him, for reasons he really didn't want to think about. At least he didn't have to worry about them chasing after him. He hoped.
After yesterday's fiasco, carrots were the last thing he wanted for lunch. He also wasn't sure he wanted to risk seeing one of his friends, but Applejack was one of the few food vendors in the marketplace. She gave him nothing but a nod and a pleasant smile as he bought two apples, and he felt himself relax. The apples got his sweet tooth going in a hurry, and he lingered as he passed a stall decorated with brightly-wrapped candies. The mare behind the counter smiled at him as Applejack had. He indulged himself.
"Hiya!" she said brightly.
"Hey." He sidled up to the stand and threw a forehoof up on the counter. "What kinda sugar ya sellin'?"
She tossed her pink and blue curls and swept a hoof across her wares. "I've got a fresh batch of butterscotches today, as well as peppermint patties and root beer barrels."
He leaned forward. "I'm looking for somethin' a little more... exotic."
The slightest flush appeared on the mare's cheeks. "Oh! Well, I have been doing some experimenting..." She reached below the counter and pulled out a box filled with small candy balls in every color of the rainbow. "I don't have a name for them yet, but you're welcome to try a few, if you're feeling adventurous."
Rainbow leaned even further forward, taking a long, deep sniff of the candy. His hoof rested on hers.
"I don't think I'd mind... sampling your wares."
The mare's eyes widened and her face flushed from cream to crimson. "Uh, I, I, uh..."
"Back off!"
Rainbow found himself whisked into the air, flipped over, and dumped unceremoniously onto his face. Sputtering and coughing dirt, he looked up to see a mint-green unicorn mare glaring daggers at him.
"What's the big idea, chunky?" she shouted. "Hands off my mare!"
"What are hands?" Rainbow groaned, rubbing his head and hauling himself to his hooves. "Hey, I'm just bein' friendly..."
"Friendly. Yeah." The unicorn mare scowled. "I've seen way too many stallions like you trying to get friendly with my marefriend. I turn my back for one minute..."
"Geez, lady, calm down." Rainbow snorted. "Fine, I won't buy any of your stupid candy, then. Later."
He took off, the mares' argument echoing behind him.
"It's driving me nuts, Twilight!"
Rainbow stalked back and forth across the row of bookshelves and tried not to think about having nuts to be driven.
"Yesterday, all the mares in town were leering at me. Now I'm the one doing the leering!" He stomped and groaned. "It's like nopony in town can control themselves around me, not even me! I didn't have these problems when I was a mare!" He buried his face in his hooves and groaned again. "It's like I got sexier overnight, and so did everypony else."
"Not to be sanctimonious, Rainbow," Twilight said, two snorts away from an eye roll, "but you might not be having these problems if you just told everypony you're still you. I mean, ponies know you and Pinkie are together. If they knew you weren't just some random stallion who showed up in town--"
"Then they'd know that we're having tons of sex." Rainbow blew his mane out of his eyes and collapsed in a heap, hooves over his face. "Or that we would be if things didn't keep getting in the way!"
"But we already kind of assumed--"
"I just keep messing up!" Rolling onto his back, he sighed. "You gave me this thing and it's like it's taken over my mind. The last thing I want to do is cheat on Pinkie, but I see those mares flashing me looks, and I just..." He groaned once more. "Twilight, what do I do?"
Twilight shook her head. "Honestly, Rainbow, I'm not sure what to say. You know I want the best for you and Pinkie Pie, really I do, but given that you're set on keeping everything private..." She shrugged and sighed, frowning. "I'm not sure I can help."
There was quiet for a minute or so, broken only by continued groaning, and Rainbow Blitz's hoof listlessly smacking the floor.
"I've got it!" Twilight shouted. Rainbow shouted and sprang to his hooves.
"Who? What? Where?"
Without so much as a by-your-leave, Twilight pressed herself up against him, muzzle dangerously close to his. Her eyelids hung low and her voice was soft and husky.
"If you're having problems controlling yourself, then you're just going to have to learn to control yourself, now aren't you?" She drew a hoof down his side and he shivered. "Let me help you."
"Aw Twilight, not you too!"
"C'mon, Rainbow," Twilight said brightly, grinning at him. "I'll try and seduce you, and you try and resist. I've been aching to try out some tips I learned from Soda Surprise's Seven Seduction Secrets. It'll be fun!" She clomped her hooves together before clearing her throat and reasserting her bedroom eyes. She loosed a coy giggle and nosed into his neck. "And I'll bet you're just aching for a little action right now."
Rainbow pulled away, flapping his wings and trying to skirt around the outside of the room. Twilight matched him move for move, with alacrity she had only ever displayed during the Running of the Leaves. He launched himself to the top of a bookcase and she teleported beside him. He dove for the window and she drew the shutters closed with her magic. He ducked under a rug and she stalked up to him, giggling.
"You can't run, Rainbow Bliiiitz," she sang, her eyes flashing and her grin predatory. "Of course, you should really be chasing me." She turned, lowering her front half and pushing her rump into his face.
Just then the door burst in and the room was filled with the sound of lightning crackling in Pinkie's eyes.
Rainbow breathed a sigh of relief. "Pinkie, thank goodness, you're just in ti--"
Suddenly, he was quite aware of just whose what was where, and when.
"Twitchy tooshie and itchy lips!" Pinkie zipped up and mashed her face against Twilight's. "My boo-boo is both the hustler and the hustlee!"
Twilight blanched.
Rainbow croaked, "P-Pinkie..."
"Nnnnope!"
Pinkie whipped the rug off of him and onto Twilight, then snapped up his tail in her mouth.
"No nookie tonight neither!"
Rainbow watched Twilight with pleading eyes as Pinkie bounced off, dragging him behind.
"Ow. Ow. Ow."
Twilight shook the rug off, brushed the mane out of her face, and frowned at her open front door. After a moment, she chuckled softly to herself.
"Well, at least I got my money's worth out of Soda Surprise." Clopping her hooves together lightly, she giggled and went back inside.
Pinkie couldn't help putting a little swagger in her step. After all, the eyes of every stallion, not to mention quite a few mares, were on her goods. Wolf whistles and catcalls serenaded her slow saunter down Stirrup Street.
"Hot mama! I think I'm in love!"
"Oh baby, I gotta get me a piece o' that!"
"Bring some of that sugar over here, Pinkie Pie!"
Pinkie giggled and batted her eyelashes. "Now, now, boys and girls, save it for the party!"
She couldn't blame them, though. She was, after all, pushing a cart with most delectamazing, scrumpteriffic and spectaculawesome cake she'd ever made.
She just regretted not having been able to bake it at the venue. Every time the cake cart hit just the pebbliest pebble or divviest divot it shook, and the cake jostled, and that jostling was really making her just the teensiest, tiniest bit nervous. Thank goodness for the extra tube of emergency frosting she had stashed in her tail! Along with being sugary emergency deliciousness, it also provided her with soundness of mind should any of the cake's decoration go awry.
That soundness came crashing to a halt at the shouting of a gruff voice overhead.
"Hey, all you pervert jerks, you better back off my mare!"
Rainbow Blitz landed in the middle of the street, just in front of her cart, kicking up a cloud of dust. He flared his nostrils, lowering his head and spreading his legs. His eyes flicked back and forth between the numerous ponies who were now considering being very elsewhere, as quickly as they possibly could.
"Yeah, that's right, run!" Blitz snorted. "I'll buck every last one o' you!"
"Rainbow Blitz!"
Rainbow straightened, eyes going wide at the edge in Pinkie's voice. She stalked over to him and pushed her forehead up against his.
"Just what do you think you're doing, mister?"
"Uh, hey, Pinkie, I, uh..."
"Don't you 'hey Pinkie' me!" She scrunched up her face. "What's gotten into you, scaring everypony away like that?"
A frown chased all the fear off Rainbow's face. "They were all hitting on you, Pinkie, I heard every word of it! You think I'm just gonna stand by and let a bunch of leering creeps make eyes at my..."
He groaned and slapped a hoof over his eyes. "Oh geez. I'm acting just like that unicorn from yesterday."
Pinkie stopped still, her cheeks bulging and her eyes questioning.
"Pinkie, I'm sorry." He reached forward and pulled her into a light embrace. "Look, this spell thing is really taking it out of me. Now I think it's affecting us, too."
He looked into her eyes. The frown tugging at the edges of her mouth told him all he needed to know.
"We're almost out of time," he said, hugging her tighter. "And it's obvious I can't handle being a guy. So what d'you say, Pink? Can you forgive me?"
"Uh-huh," she murmured in his ear, hugging back just as tight. "I forgive you, and you're right. No more messing around. It's time we did the do!"
He started sweating. "Does that mean what I think it--" He stopped talking as pink lips pressed against his.
With a loud whoop, Rainbow Blitz snatched Pinkie up by the tail and took off into the sky, sweeping her off across Ponyville.
They landed, or more appropriately fell into, a tree out on the edge of Ponyville Park. Pinkie cooed and laughed as Blitz tickled her, helping her find a comfortable branch to lay on.
"We're almost out of time," he murmured. "This has been so worth waiting for, though."
"It has," she said, her eyes lidding. She giggled some more as he growled and nibbled on her neck. "Don't keep me waiting, tiger."
Rainbow's eyebrows waggled and Pinkied didn't even laugh. He sucked in a breath through his teeth. "It's time to make with the--"
"Ah-heh-hem!"
They paused, lips fractions of an inch apart. Slowly, they turned their eyes to the side.
There, below the tree, were ponies. Lots of ponies. Lots of ponies who were staring at them. And the Mayor, who was also staring at them from behind a podium, the front of which read "Official Ponyville Founder's Day Celebration".
"Just what," said the Mayor, slowly and evenly, "do you two think you're doing up there?"
"Uh." Rainbow's cheeks grew hot and red. He scrambled back from Pinkie and sat down hard.
On Pinkie's tail.
White frosting shot out of the tube hidden there, spraying all over Pinkie's tummy and face. The crowd gasped.
"Disgusting!" cried a mare with a bandaged foreleg.
"Have you no shame?" shouted another whose head was wrapped in gauze.
"Think of the children!" yelled a third, her hind legs held immobilized in a wheeled frame. There were, as a matter of fact, quite a lot of ponies in the crowd, all of them mares, who sported various splints, slings, bruises, cuts and dents.
"Hey," said Thunderlane, stepping forward, "Rainbow Blitz? What the heck are you doing with Pinkie Pie? Your sister's gonna be kick-flank mad when she finds out you two have been going at it behind her back!"
This got the crowd riled up. Angry ponies voiced their disapproval of not just the two ponies' current position, but of their supposed deceit as well. Rainbow ground his teeth, trying to let their words wash over him. But when he opened his eyes and saw Pinkie, her hooves pulled up to her frosting-covered chest and tears in her eyes, he snapped.
"Shut up!"
He slammed his hoof into the tree branch next to him. It rattled and shook, and a dozen apples fell out into a neat little pile on the ground. The ponies in the crowd shut up. Applejack sniffed and wiped a tear from her eye, smiling.
"I've had about enough of this!" Rainbow shouted. "I am Rainbow Dash! Me. There isn't any Rainbow Blitz, and there never was!"
"It's true!" Mrs. Cake shouted. Her cheeks flushed as everyone turned to look at her. "I-I caught them three days ago, err... in flagrante delicto."
Rainbow slapped a hoof against his face. "Pinkie and I are trying to have a foal, so I had Twilight cast a spell on me to turn me into a stallion, and ever since, it's been nothing but trouble!"
"Also true!" Twilight said with a nod. The ponies around her murmured in consternation.
"B-but..." The stallion who spoke up swallowed and ducked behind his heavily-bandaged marefriend as Rainbow's eyes turned to him. "Why all the secrecy? Why didn't you just tell us?"
"Because it's none of your damned business." Rainbow rubbed the bridge of his nose. "It's our personal life. It's personal."
The Mayor cleared her throat. "I am sorry to say, Rainbow Dash, but your personal predicament has become quite public, by virtue of..." She waved her hoof at all assembled.
Rainbow groaned and buried his face in his hooves.
"However, if I may be so bold..." The Mayor paused for a lengthy moment. "All of Ponyville is gathered here for the time being."
"Yeah," Rainbow groaned. "That's why I feel about as big as a Breezie right now."
"Indeed." The Mayor said, clearing her throat. "All of us. Here. In the Park. Everypony. As in, not in Ponyville. As in, the town is completely empty and anypony who wanted to could do, well, anything they wanted to in town, without fear of being seen."
It took a few seconds before Pinkie and Rainbow gasped at the same time. They looked at each other, looked at the Mayor, looked at the crowd of ponies shuffling their hooves, and then looked back at each other, grinning. With a shout of, "Thank you, Ms. Mayor!" they took off, making a rainbow and pink streak into Ponyville.
Mayor Mare sighed and turned back to the audience.
"I suppose we won't be getting that cake after all."
The loft of Sugarcube Corner filled with the heady haze of lust as Rainbow Blitz carried his bride across the threshold and into her room for the second time. They gazed at each other with tense, loving anticipation, their skin hot and sensitive. He laid her gently on the bed and wiped the frosting from her brow, smiling down at her.
"I love you, Pinkie Pie."
She smiled back up at him. "I love you too, Rainbow... Dash." She sighed and rose petals rained from the ceiling. The lights dimmed and candles flickered to life around the room. Somewhere, romantic music began to play.
"Are you ready?" Rainbow breathed, straddling his lover -- his soulmate -- and gazing longingly into her bright blue eyes.
"I've always been ready," she whispered.
She reached up and pulled him close to her, kissing him with a passion borne only of the truest of loves. Their lips connected with the heat of a thousand suns, burning in the infinite vastness of space. Of all the kisses that two ponies had ever kissed in all of kisstory, this one was at least in the top ten. The bed rolled beneath them like an ocean, its calm surface belying the raging torrents beneath. Torrents of passion. There was passion literally everywhere.
Birds flocked to the north.
Angels sang.
Baby foals got their cutie marks.
It was a drop of pure, crystalline, romantic perfection.
...Okay, so actually it went more like this:
"Finally, time to get down to it! No more interruptions!"
"Right! So, where do we start?"
"Well, let me just, uh... Uh... Huh."
"Is... is it broken?"
"What? No! Usually, it just... I mean, like right away, it always... Lemme just..."
"Try shaking it!"
"No, no! Just... give it a second!"
"Maybe it's scared?"
"It is not scared! I swear this has never been a problem before..."
"Can I take a look?"
"No! I mean yes. Just, be gentle."
"Ooh, there it goes!"
"Yes! Get ready for the train to Love Town!"
"Really? Is that the best you can do?"
"Buh..."
"I'm kidding. C'mon, I've kept you waiting for too long. All we need now is the scene break!"
"Congratulations, Pinkie Pie," Twilight said, straightening as the magic faded from her horn, "you're pregnant!"
Cheers thundered off the library walls. Applejack, Rarity, Twilight and Fluttershy hugged Pinkie or slapped her on the back. Rainbow Dash, Blitz no longer, lifted her up and spiralled around, kissing her passionately.
"Congratulations, Pinkie!" Applejack said, grinning from ear to ear. "Y'all're gonna be the first of us to have foals, and I plum couldn't be happier for ya!"
"Well said, Applejack!" Rarity said, hopping in place. "Ohh, this is so exciting! I have baby clothes to design!"
"I can't wait to see its little face!" Pinkie squealed, hugging Dash tightly.
"You'll get to see it, in eleven months," Fluttershy said, smiling.
"All good things come in time," Twilight said with a chuckle.
"Some of 'em just take a little more time 'n others," Applejack said, jabbing Rainbow in the ribs.
"Ow! Lay off, AJ, we had..." Rainbow searched for the right word. "Complications."
Applejack snickered and stepped back. "Yeah, yeah, I won't tease ya no more. Much."
Twilight cleared her throat. "While we're apologizing, I just want to say..." She let out a breath. "Rainbow, I'm sorry for the way I acted two days ago. You came to me for help and, well, I wasn't a very good friend."
"Me too," said Fluttershy, stepping forward and hanging her head. "I treated you awfully. And I want to apologize to you as well, Pinkie. I didn't mean to do anything that jeopardized your relationship with Rainbow Dash."
"We're sorry," they said together.
"I forgive you guys," Dash said a moment later, smiling nonchalantly.
"Me too!" Pinkie said, bouncing up and hugging Fluttershy. "I know you girls didn't mean anything by it." She elbowed Twilight in the side, winking conspiratorially. "After all, Dash makes a pretty hot stallion, am I right?"
Dash cleared her throat, cheeks burning. "Pinkie!"
There was a round of laughter.
"I'm so glad everything turned out for the best," Rarity said, grinning. "Have either of you thought about names yet? Oh, Twilight, do you know if it's going to be a filly or a colt?"
Twilight shook her head. "It's really too early to say. Buuuut..."
Pinkie and Dash looked at each other, then at Twilight. "Buuuut?"
Twilight twiddled her hooves. "Ha ha, well, you know, what with all the congratulating and apologizing and everything, I kiiiinda didn't have a chance to mention..."
"What is it Twilight?" Pinkie asked, jumping forward and pressing her nose against Twilight's.
"Is there something wrong?" Dash asked, adding her face to Pinkie's severe encroachment on Twilight's personal space.
"It's twins!" Twilight blurted.
There was a lengthy pause.
Pinkie's jaw dropped.
Rainbow Dash fainted.
"Yeah," said Twilight, rubbing the back of her neck, "I probably should've mentioned that sooner."
"This is so awesome!" Pinkie shouted, falling over onto her back. "Two metaphorical buns in my metaphorical oven? We're gonna need two names, and two cribs, and two times the parties, and two times the baby clothes, and there's gonna be twice the foal to love this is the best day of my life!"
Applejack hefted Rainbow Dash to her hooves, and Rainbow wobbled around as she came to.
"Ya all right there, RD?" Applejack asked, dusting her off. "Sounds like you just got a whole heapin' helpin' o' responsibility!"
Rainbow Dash looked stricken. She brought her hooves slowly up to her face. Then she started to wail.
"I'm gonna be a terrible father!"
"Sorry, Dashie," Pinkie said, hopping over and giving her a hug. "After all, it was my idea to go a second round."
Rainbow looked at her as though she'd grown a second head. Then she started bawling even louder as her friends laughed.
"Don't worry, Rainbow," Twilight said with a wink. "You'll always have your friends here to help you when things get hard."
