Goku meets Equestria

by nickhf123

Chapter 2

After Goku used instant transmission he found himself in Ponyville by the luck of surprise. "So this are the ponies Old Kai was talking about?"

Before Goku knew it he was the center of intention in Ponyville. Some of the ponies look at him with fright others wanted to know what this strange creature was. Soon after many ponies asked him who he was.

Goku told them that he was a Saiyan from Earth. Many ponies thought he was crazy since this is the only planet they thought that would have life but they never saw anything like him before. Soon after the ponies went back to whatever they were doing. Goku than started to explore Ponyville he soon was stopped by another pony named Twilight Sparkles. "Hey who are you I've never seen a pony like you before."

"I am not a pony I am a Saiyan."

"I've never heard of a Saiyan before." Twilight said.

Goku explained that a Sayians where a species of warriors who fought and enslaved planets but where almost killed off by a tyrant named Frieza. Twilight was very fascinated and yet scared of this creatures she should go explain this to Princess Celestia when she get's the chance. Twilight still had plenty of more questions to ask Goku but it was getting dark. "Goku do you have a home anywhere?"

"No I do not I just got here today."

"Will if you want to stay at my house?"

"Yes I would like to stay with you for the night until I can find a house."

When they got to the tree house He was introduced to Spike who has a million questions to ask but it was getting to late. They soon went to sleep afterwards.

Author's Note:

Will this was a short chapter and I couldn't really find a way for the ponies to be in awe because they have seen other creatures probably weirder than Goku before.

Comments

[Pen Dragon]

Needs work but I am interested on where this will go but if you need inspiration check out my story and the fellow Equestrian Saiyans.

[nickhf123]

Thank you for your review and ill be sure to check our your story

[Damien Darkside]

Okay, I thought this was going to be satire, but obviously you are actually serious about this. Right now your dislikes are exceeding your like and they are going to stay that way for a long-ass time. I get it, you are probably young and think this is the best idea ever.

First off is the premise. Nobody really goes for popular crossovers, especially the likes of DBZ. You need knowledge of both universes and it never works out well. There are a few exceptions like Fallout Equestria but it takes a really special talent to work that out.

Second is that you have no sense of characters, development or structure. Sure you know who Goku is but you aren't conveying anything about his personality or his real self. You just got a overpowered muscle guy named Goku who can break the rules of physics and shoot through a black hole (to which I am not going to touch on, that point is a 2000 word essay). Making paragrapghs to show how he is feeling about the situarion, how he likes the setting and the like.

Your speech is flat and boring, that is stacked on the characters. Your pacing is super fast and confusing. You are missing paragraphs of interactiom because it is obvious that you just don't know how to make it. That isn't a terrible thing but it shows how unskilled you are.

Read a lot of other fics, and I mean really REALLY good fics. Ones with great dialouge and fantastic plots. They don't need the Author to explain why X is happening or who Y is, you the reader understand by reading.

Keep writing and improve, but you are going to get slammed until you get somewhat of an original idea. You will also have difficulty making scenes until you realize how much effort writing is. Chapters take hours if not DAYS of work to make, some lasting thousands of words.

Sorry this isn't the review you want, but it is what you need to hear. Read more, practice, fail, practice more THEN write more.

[Coltsguy]

5522153 Wow, I wish I had as thorough of a review as this sometimes. It definitely helps with what you're trying to do. Take it to heart nick.

[nickhf123]

Your completely right Damien I really do need to improve this story so what I am going to do is completely rewrite this story and fix a lot of my mistakes. I hope this is the right decision and so I will see you guys later.