I'm just a crazy guy who likes ponies and writes stor involving my OCs
The story of the heart warming love between a demon of Tartarus and a very kind pegusi how they met and how thier love grew and became something beautiful (note: I'm not the romantic type so don't expect this to be a good romance story)
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Wasted potential. Know what those words means? I'm not trying to be mean, just pointing that you have Satan and you turn him into a personality-less, uninteresting side character. And besides, if you're going to use your Gary Stu OC, go all the way. Have him fight some gigantic monster, entertain the audience. Paperwork isn't interesting.
It's readable, though.
All of the actions here serve the plot. It's like that Sims Horror Movie that CollegeHumor made.
Everything in this chapter feels like the author is pulling the strings. Their friendship, Solar's proposal to hang out, and his confession of demon-hood are prime examples of this.
Forgot to mention. You're writing a first person fanfic, and switched POVs. That's confusing for the reader.
Anyways, about this chapter. So, your reasoning for having a foal was because Satan forbids marriage between demon and mare? Funny, I think I remember something like that…
-Genesis 6:4
"Sons of God" in this verse refers to demons. So, why would Satan forbid this if it worked perfectly well last time and even contributed to getting 99.99% of humanity destroyed? Care to explain?
As hard as I've been on this fanfic, it really is a 5/10. It's nothing fabulous, nothing horrid, just par. Which explains why I didn't upvote or downvote. (By the way, I think you upvoted your own story, since it had one upvote since its publication).
Anyway, you've improved. That's always good.
5476528 well when I do the story of how Death Shadow masterd combat it won't be as easy as monkey see monkey do anymore
5476560 reread I maid it seem a little less contrived in chapter 2
5476528 also you'll see Satan's personality a good bit more in chapter 4
As for this chapters name:
How about "The Conception of a 'insert whatever you want Shadow Death to be, hero, villain, anti-hero etc'".
Or "The Naming"
Or "Remember Me"
Well... that was... inventive. Not exactly the best way to go out.
Well, full review time!
Firstly: I must say how proud I am of you. You suffered a defeat with your last story, but you still didn't give up. Not only this, but you were inspired by MY words to do this, so I feel like a father looking upon his child when I read this. It brings a warmth to my old heart.
Secondly: You have a few mis-spellings throughout the story. You would be wise to seek out an editor, and there is a whole group of bored editors right here.
Thirdly: You must try your hardest to bulk this story up: things like this--
--Could be made into So much more. I am aware that Romance is not your comfort zone, (It is not easy for anybody, don't let them tell you otherwise) but it would grant this story so much more to read and love. It would give you more practice, and it would give us more time to grow as the ponies in the story do. You must give us time to get to know them as they get to know each other. What makes us love specific characters is the moments we read about them.
Fourthly: I am proud to have given you inspiration. You were one of so many that I've spoken too and tried to help, but my words would go in one ear and out the other with them. YOU, had the courage to face my words and learn from them. You have the imagination to create things that would be wondrous. You have the drive to never allow failure to keep you down.
These, these quality's are what I see when I look at you. I know you can be great, you just need time to learn, practice, and think. You will go far if you never give up, mark my words.
Overall: You went from a stonewall without a carver, to a wall engraved with Ancient writing. 6/10. Have a Blessed day my friend, and remember to never give up.
5476771 I believe the reason for Satan's disliking of the marriage is due to the fact that it is out of love, not lies and trickery. He cannot make use of it if the demon that has the mortal won't follow his orders.
5515033 no it's more that Satan thinks that a pony demon hybrid would destroy the world and as evil as Satan is he knows there needs to be a balance also good title ideas