The Forbidden Love

by Madman Stories CO

Chapter 4

It was three months after I got pregnant and it was amazing. We had told my friends they were extremely happy the asked us everything. Like what's the foals name the were a little surprised by the name we chose but they liked the sound of it. Okzinous was becoming worried that the Devil was going to find out. I reassured him that everything would be fine. Little did I know that would be the worst decision I would every make

(The rest of this chapter will be told from the POV of Okzinous)

I woke up in my home in Tartarus as I always do but there was a knock on the door. I said "Who is it?" No answer, so I asked again "Who is it?" So with no answer I went to the door and it was two of the Devil's guards. I asked them "how may I help you today?"

They replied "the Devil wants to see you... NOW!"

I told them "Um... why does he need to see me?"

"He says its personal." they replied back

"Okay so take me to him then." I said to them

They put a bag over my face and took me through the most lewd path I have ever felt. When they took the bag off my face I was face to face with the Devil. He said to me "Hello...... Okzinous... Make any friends on the surface?"

I very nervously replied "No no no... I haven't made any friends."

The Devil said "oh really what about this one?" He then put a picture of my beloved Solar Nova in front of me.

I cautiously replied "who's that I've never seen that pony before."

The Devil said in a malicious tone "don't play dumb Okzinous! I know all about you and this mare. You got married and I know what that leads to. It was a good thing a stopped you before you basically destroyed the world. Now that I know you must DIE!"

"No! Please Satan don't I love her just let me live!" I said in the most terrified voice I've ever made.

"No your death will be slow and painful." He said

Just then he started to skin me I was uttering the most horrific sounds ever made. After about what I think was an hour he was done. I asked weakly "please just put me out of my misery."

He simply replied "Oh but we're having so much fun."

He then proceeded to strap me to a table and set up a giant axe pendulum he told me "this will cut you into little pieces moving 1 inch up you body every 30 minutes. He turned it on and my demise began. It would swing and swing cutting through me till the point wear I just wanted it to kill me already. After the first hour I was to weak to scream any more. This was it I was going to die then with my last breath I said "Carry on my sweet Solar Nova and Death Shadow carry on," and so was the end of Okzinous.

Comments

[The Blessed One]

Well... that was... inventive. Not exactly the best way to go out.

[The Blessed One]

Well, full review time!

Firstly: I must say how proud I am of you. You suffered a defeat with your last story, but you still didn't give up. Not only this, but you were inspired by MY words to do this, so I feel like a father looking upon his child when I read this. It brings a warmth to my old heart.

Secondly: You have a few mis-spellings throughout the story. You would be wise to seek out an editor, and there is a whole group of bored editors right here.

Thirdly: You must try your hardest to bulk this story up: things like this--

So we meet and hung out every other day and we became the best of friends. We liked all the same things like food and we even had the same sense of humor. But the best day was went we decided to start going out. He was the perfect gentlecolt he took me to all of my favorite places.

--Could be made into So much more. I am aware that Romance is not your comfort zone, (It is not easy for anybody, don't let them tell you otherwise) but it would grant this story so much more to read and love. It would give you more practice, and it would give us more time to grow as the ponies in the story do. You must give us time to get to know them as they get to know each other. What makes us love specific characters is the moments we read about them.

Fourthly: I am proud to have given you inspiration. You were one of so many that I've spoken too and tried to help, but my words would go in one ear and out the other with them. YOU, had the courage to face my words and learn from them. You have the imagination to create things that would be wondrous. You have the drive to never allow failure to keep you down.

These, these quality's are what I see when I look at you. I know you can be great, you just need time to learn, practice, and think. You will go far if you never give up, mark my words.

Overall: You went from a stonewall without a carver, to a wall engraved with Ancient writing. 6/10. Have a Blessed day my friend, and remember to never give up.

[The Blessed One]

5476771 I believe the reason for Satan's disliking of the marriage is due to the fact that it is out of love, not lies and trickery. He cannot make use of it if the demon that has the mortal won't follow his orders.

[Madman Stories CO]

5515033 no it's more that Satan thinks that a pony demon hybrid would destroy the world and as evil as Satan is he knows there needs to be a balance also good title ideas