"The houses were fading as she galloped away. Her head up, an engaging smile on her face.
Proud.
Maybe beaten but far from broken - a pony standing tall, strong and brave.
Then, just out of earshot distance, the bright azure coated unicorn slowed down her gallop to a low walk. Atop the hill she stopped eventually.
Her smile vanished. She wasn't able to maintain it any longer.
Trixie - the Great and Powerful, greatest magician in all of Equestria - felt bad. No - crestfallen. Defeated."
Trixies life is no bed of roses after her second defeat in Ponyville.
Who will be with her in her darkest hours? Twilight Sparkle and her friends? The cloaked stranger - a victim himself, claiming for revenge? Or a small but nonetheless honourable pirate? And what will she find, while wandering through the Dark Corners of Equestria?
- There are more characters mentioned - the shown ones are just the main protagonists.
- Rated Teen for mild violence and wording (just in case y'know)
- As I wont spoiler here - more about this story in my blog.
- Cover art: by Zonra (DeviantArt)
To me, It's a really good story. I enjoyed it.
There is some misspell, and some quotation mark is missing.
5433480
Thanks, I'll go check for errors.
I think this is a classical case of being held back by language barriers: I've dealt with a similar case when I was helping a friend translate a story from french.
Which is a pity, because I think there's some genuine writing talent here, but the strange word choices, occasional mispell, and odd sentence structure will have a tendency to get in the way.
I develloped a few tricks to help get around these, but they rely on strong speaking ability. My friend (the one I translated for) is quite a competent speaker, but he had difficulties writing. I found that forcing him to read his story aloud to me helped him notice a lot of his own errors, and on our last editing session, he was correcting the majority of his mistakes on his own. If you're a better writer than you are a speaker, though, this might not help.
The obvious solution is also to get an editor, preferably one who can handle both english and german. I just find it's often more effective to learn to swim as opposed to always using a life-jacket.
In any case, I'll be keeping an eye on this story. I read really slowly. It looks pretty interesting.
5454555
Hmm. I thought that I had found most errors. Perhaps I should really search for an editor.
But I hope you enjoy the story anyway.
Thanks for your comment.
5457638 Don't get me wrong, the spelling was quite good, which is to your credit (although there are some: the ever persistent amulett is the obvious example). Unfortunately a lot of spellchecks don't point out that in
, a should be 'an' because engagingly begins with a vowel, and that 'engagingly' is an adverb when what you really want is the adjective engaging. (more examples ahead, this is just the first I found)
This is why I bothered commenting: a lot of effort was put into making sure the spelling was decent, which shows you care. A lot of authors who have similar problems don't bother to do that, which is again to your credit. This is why I described it as your the language barrier holding you back, and not lazy writing.
As for the rest of the story, I'll tell you when I finish (I read super slowly)
Beatrix Lulamoon
That's clever. Did you come up with that? If so, have a moustache
I don't even care about everything else now, I just like that name. I really like wordplay.
5457984
at the risk of making a fool out of myself, I don't recognize the wordplay there.
Trixie is the short form for Beatrix and i came up with the idea, that Trixie had to disguise herself in some form. So if there is a pun - i didn't made it on purpouse.
The amulett / amulet misspelling just slipped through (I thought I had checked any douptfull word...). The same goes for the "a / an" error.
Sneaky little brats this typos, aren't they...
5458117 fun story awesome nice Skyrim reference stop right there criminal scum
7573692
Thanks kindly. :D
5457984
But you probably know that by now.....
Actually, Trixie is a nickname for Beatrix or Beatrice as the full name is called(at least in the real world). It's used in a wide variety of cartoons and movies.
Seems Germane.......this is getting very interesting.