Survey Corps, Fly! (An Attack on Titan Crossover)

Eren Jaeger wishes for a world without Titans. He dreams of this wish, and the dream strays to another world.

Can Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Sasha, Christa, Levi and Hanji survive in a world full of ponies?

Chapters (3)

[Prologue] A world with no Titans? · 20th Dec 2014 · 569 words
569
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The Fabulous Adventures of Levi · 20th Dec 2014 · 363 words
363
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FOR SCIENCE! · 27th Dec 2014 · 657 words
657
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Comments ( 17 )

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SiIver Spoon

SiIver Spoon #1 · Dec 27th, 2014 · · · FOR SCIENCE! ·

Before Reading:

Eren Jaeger wishes for a world without Titans. He dreams of this wish, and the dream strays to another world.
Can Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Sasha, Christa, Levi and Hanji survive in a world full of ponies?

What are you crossing over?

Chapters:
Too short

Your chapters are too short, and I don't know what your crossing over. ~Silver Spoon

SenpaiStarFeather

SenpaiStarFeather #2 · Dec 27th, 2014 · · · FOR SCIENCE! ·

5430604 I am crossing over the anime Attack on Titan. The chapters are supposed to be a little shorter than average but I see what you mean, I'll add some more soon.

YoungQuillMaster

YoungQuillMaster #3 · Dec 27th, 2014 · 1 · · FOR SCIENCE! ·

I finished reading the prologue, and yes, that is what you call an intro chapter, I suggest changing '(intro chapter)' to prologue, anyway, I finished reading the chapter and have a few things I'd like to say.
Your writing technique as a whole needs a good bit of improvement. I have two suggestions on how to work on that. 1: Read your story and think 'How good is this? Would I read this? How can I make it better? Out of ten, without prejudice because it's my work, how many points would I give it, and why?' These four questions will save you a good bit of trouble in the future. 2: Read other people's works and ask the same questions, changing the fourth a bit to suit the situation. Observe their good points and shortcomings and look for those in your own work.
If you learn from the mistakes of others and gain from the good points of others you'll become a great deal better. And always remember, you are never doing as well as you can do, and there is always room for improvement.
The concept of your story made me stop and look, but your writing style made something I was looking forward to reading into more work than I wanted to deal with... much like my old writing style. You never want to make reader not want to read your stories only because the way you write it is arduous on the eyes when they'd enjoy reading the material. Consider looking for an editor than can help point out errors and short comings honestly. A brother, sister, or any person who can really give criticism on grammar. Also, as a side note, it's the usual way of writing to do it in past tense since you are recounting the events that transpired. Look at any great piece of classic literature that touches on the future in the timeline of the world and it will still be in past tense, so consider revising the time you use. Of course this is just a suggestion seeing as tense is only a minor thing and can be looked over if the rest of the story is passable.
Another point you might want to consider is how characters react to situations. You are dealing with two sets of characters that have set personalities, it's true that you are throwing a group of characters into a situation they'd never realistically be in, but you need to always think about their realistic outlooks on each situation. It is a tall order, but it is do able. An example of what I mean in your case is having Eren shout out

"WHOEVER DID THIS WILL FEEL MY FIERY WRATH!"

that's an example of taking a bit of character and stretching the living crud out of it... in a bad way. This is really harsh on the side of over the top deal breaking awkwardness. As a writer, you are allowed a certain amount of leniency in how characters will react to unrealistic events, but when you are dealing with per-established characters that people can recognize than your parameters are restricted seeing as anyone who has seen the source material will be able to point to a certain point and ask why the character seems to have changed from their point of origin, and in the case of Eren's shout, there is very little way you could acceptably justify it. He would be bewildered, but I doubt he would go so far as to exclaim vengeance so easily. By what we've seen in the anime, he is rather sensible to certain point, being disgusted with those who only want to hide behind walls and do nothing, or those who only care for the economics behind fighting the Titans, without a shred of care for those who died. Eren, as with every other character you'll encounter, has set characteristics that must be upheld. This is why, for the most part, I attempt to avoid cannon characters so that I don't have to worry about how they'd react, something you've given yourself a double dose of, but this isn't to say you should stop, just that you should observe the characters closely and understand why they are how they are. MLP might not give the best reasons for why their characters are how they are, though they are slowly revealing pieces of the puzzle, but Attack on Titan has given rather well defined reason why they are who they are. One way you can really work around this is have an editor who knows both materials help you, though one editor in this capacity is usually not enough, and it would be best to have several who can help you, seeing as if the characters are out of character it really breaks the most important part of any story: The suspension of disbelief. If you break this, your story will ultimately fail in the long run, as your readers dwindle to only those who are fanatics of both series. If you can't take up the burden of making characters realistic in certain measures, your readers will, and trust me, they won't like it. This is how the creator of Attack on Titan made it so that stupid, gigantic humanoids could romp around a city while the last of humanity has gigantic toasters strapped to them and swords used to destroy these beasts and how the staff at Hasbro was able to get us to buy technicolor horses of small stature that go on fantastical adventures and use magic in the say breath. Think about the details of both, and it will be obvious to see that they are fake, but because the characters in the story were so compelling we didn't even stop for a second to question how much air pressure there must be to lift or move a human as fast as it does in AoT and what the physical repercussions would be, or how magic even works until the story was over. The question might come up, but you'll quickly have it brushed aside as another exciting visual presents itself for your viewing pleasure. There are moments in both cases were this illusion is broken so much we cringe, and in your story, as sad as it may seem, is almost a common occurrence. Your dialog was, frankly, so bland I skipped ahead a bit in certain places to see if, maybe, it got better, something you don't want. You want your readers to read the entire thing.

If you can take account of all these factors and change what isn't its best, then you'll have a story that people will come in droves to read. Keep writing and have fun.

Y.Q.M.

SenpaiStarFeather

SenpaiStarFeather #4 · Dec 28th, 2014 · · · FOR SCIENCE! ·

5430980 Looking back on the story I do see a lot more errors than I did before I read your comment, I have gotten a separate editor for this story with more Attack on Titan knowledge so you should see some improvements soon.

YoungQuillMaster