A shy closet brony finds himself thrust into a conflict that he fails to understand and has to adapt as best he can to his new surroundings. There will be romance, loss and danger as he is tested to his very limits in a game that spans all of equestria.Will Equestria may burn in his wake and doom everyone that exist or will it continue being the paradise that it is?
I tell you now rather then later. This is a self-insert there is no denying it. Many have great adventures and amazing feats. Mary-sue you can call them all. Me, hopefully I am real enough. Maybe I'm not. That is for you to decide. This is my story into equestria. Hope your ready for a lot, and I mean a LOT of references as I take my inspiratons and actions from them and I won't apologize for any of them.
Didn't read, because there was a major problem before I even got into it:
This is not how you make a story description.
A description is supposed to be like a book blurb. Tell us something that happens, or the impetus of the plot. Don't just try to apologise for making too many references. That's not what should go in the main description. It should only be a note underneath the actual description.
Also: please get a proofreader. "Decide" is not spelled with two I's.
5298248
I wrote the description as if I wrote it and that at some point someone was going to point out it was a self insert and that I was kind tired of people hating something before they read it and that they hate any and all references that are going to be made towards better stories. I'm not apologizing to them I'm kinda saying If you don't like the story and its references please find something else to your tastes.
Some descriptions are not descriptions at all. Some just feel like someone is sitting in front of you, telling you their story.
Where was that mistake?
...Oh.
5298401 "Some descriptions are not descriptions at all."
See, this is the problem right here. If your description isn't a description, then it means that people will have very low expectations for the actual story. If you can't or just can't be bothered to make your description a description, then what guarantee does anyone have that you made your story a story?
5298544
When you ask one of your relatives for a story they don't give you a description of what happen they just tell you the story. they might point out some things before going into the story but that is all they are doing, pointing out things. If people are curious about a story with no description then they read the story if they like it they tell others and then it doesn't quite matter what was in the description. people read the story for the story, even if they don't know the person who created it.
5298603 It's clear I'm not getting through to you at all, so I'll try one last time:
It's not like asking your relatives for a story on this website. Not in the slightest bit. People use the descriptions to make an educated guess about whether they're going to like a story or not. If you don't actually tell them anything about your story except that it contains original characters and movie references, and a whole lot of badly proofread rambling, then they're going to assume that the story contains badly proofread rambling and too many references for the good of the narrative flow (which is why I still haven't read the actual story yet; your description put me off it before I even started.)
So at the very least, get a proofreader, but if I'm still not getting through to you why you have a bad description, then I seriously do not know how to help you. That is what I'm trying to do, just so you know.
5298611
I know you are trying to help me that much is very, very clear and I want people to help me out that is the only way that I will get better. I want people to read the story for the story, Sure some descriptions are not descriptions and thats a problem but those who read descriptions like the one I did some might go 'hmm why didn't he include anything from the story or give an over view about it? I'm going to read what that is about'
I might change it later and add more to it. I already planned to get an editor and/or a proofreader. I'll most likely need both. the relative thing wasn't a good comparison...
5298636 'hmm why didn't he include anything from the story or give an over view about it? I'm going to read what that is about'
No.
Nonononononononononono NO.
What people will think is that you're being obtuse for no reason, or that you have no confidence in your story. They are not going to think what I just quoted from you. Ever. Trust me.
5298668
alright, ok... then how do you think that I should change it then. I'll listen to what you have to say and try to met you half way while keeping it a description I am proud of.
5298690 Honestly, I don't really know how to improve the description you have now without making it totally different, but the description on your other story is actually pretty good. You put the author rambling in a separate paragraph to the blurb in the long description, and your short description tells basically what happens in the first few chapters without spoiling too much.
The last sentence of your long description on this one would actually make a good short description: "Equestria may burn in my wake before I am done or will it continue being the paradise that it is?" Typesetting isn't perfect, but it at least says something about the story itself rather than just being author rambling.
Maybe you can move it up to the start of the long description, move the rest of it to a separate paragraph, and extend on the quoted line a bit more. That'd be a good start, anyway.
I don't even know how you got your description past the mods.
5298712
Yeah, I can do that It doesn't seem too hard seeing as how I have how the story will go in my mind. hmm then I guess this might work better.
A shy closet brony finds himself thrust into a conflict that he fails to understand and has to adapt as best he can to his new surroundings. There will be romance, loss and danger as he is tested to his very limits in a game that spans all of equestria.Will Equestria may burn in His wake and doom everyone that exist or will it continue being the paradise that it is?
5298762 That's good. Not sure if I'm up to reading the actual story, but if I can help you get more readers who aren't turned off by bad descriptions, then that'll help you out at least.
It's always nice to be able to help a fellow writer, considering how most people who read my stuff only made their accounts to favourite and follow stories rather than write their own.
5298772
To change and grow we need to take any and all criticism to heart. To keep an open mind is all well and good, but there will always be those who hate your work regardless of what you do. listen to those who care and you will find your way to the path you were ment to take.
thank you is what I suppose I want to say in that little snip bit. It does feel nice to help others doesn't it.
Guess I don't need to read it, then! Thanks for saving me the trouble.
P.S. You really, really need an editor. Your language skills are horrendous.
Edit:
Are you kidding? It would take me far too long, as there are tons of them.
5299392
Ok then name a few and be done with it you don't have to point them all out.
5299470
I'm going to level with you, this story is pure, grade A shit. I'll ignore the typos and grammar and lack of storytelling and go straight for the heart of the matter. It's a self insert where you are totally awesome, potentially the savior of Equestria and are a Gary fucking Stu to end it off. There is no redemption after this. You've shot your wad way too early, played your hand and there's nothing left to look forward to.
It's bad enough that he's a brony but a Gary Stu is just too much to handle. A regular HiE, while potentially flawed, can be okay. A BiE is never good and when he's uber fantastic, like he can fight trained guards when it's never been established that he's able to fight in the first place breaks any hope for this story.
5299634
Not really, a reason why he was able to fight will be explained later in the story. Sometimes fear makes people change in a way unknown to them. Or that a being unconsciously gave him the means to fight.
5299660
Knowledge and how to use that knowledge are two different things. Simply giving somebody the "means" to fight means you have a person with the knowledge and nothing else.
Let me put it to you this way. Suppose that right now I give you the knowledge I have on fighting. Been doing martial arts for possibly longer than you've been alive so I know quite a bit. Then you and I get in a fight. Who's going to win? That would be me because you lack the training and the muscle memory. It takes practice which nobody can teach you. So you being suddenly super awesome makes no sense.
Seriously, you need to take this down and rework it.
5300386
Sure you gave me the knowledge And I can't use it efficiently but I can still use it to have an edge against those who don't know to my own benefit. I may not be able to do it all as that fight was still very sloppy to a trained fighters eyes but it shows that with time and proper training I can do it as well as person who has been doing it a long time. I just didn't create that chapter yet.
5300408
Are you naturally stupid or just doing this for a laugh?
The answer is you wouldn't be able to do it at all. Your form would be off, there'd be no power to your strikes, you'd overextend or wouldn't be able to do certain movements. In short you'd fall flat on your face and get your ass kicked.
But it's obvious that you don't care and you're going to write your story as you want to do. So I'm not going to bother with continuing this. You'll ignore it and the mass of thumbs down will only serve to keep readers away.
Congratulations. Welcome to mediocrity.
5300817
I do care it is just that you do not see the angle I am trying to work at and judging me on the only chapter that I published.
I am sorry that the first chapter is not to your or anyones liking, but I will get to the reasons as long as everyone is patience.
Very boring.
5347990
What you say is true but a bad chapter doesn't make a story... unless it is a one-shot.
5349929
Yep you should strive for the best made chapters. It is just that even though I know how I want the story to go, how it to end, the start is kinda how I want it to be. I don't know how to improve this chapter but all the others I know can be made to have better sense and flow to it. Even explain this chapter... Sometimes I think I should have held off untill I made that chapter...
5349939
That helps a bit thanks.