This is a side story to Reach
An alicorn wakes up in a world a hundred tousand year in the future with no memory of who he was and must learn how world now works to survive.
This is his adventure to find the reasons why he woke up, why he fell asleep in the first place, and what happen to the world while he was gone.
This is my second story that i have ever made please give me some feed back so I can get better it. Also I will be adding at least one picture (Most of the time, if not then it will probably be on the way) of my creation to each chapter get better at drawing too.
Chapters (4)
Alright. A bit of feedback, here. While you have potential, there's a lot of mistakes. Some grammar, and a lot of spelling mistakes, for the first part.
A lot of people might criticize the Alicorn part of the story, but why don't I just help you get set up with the bare bones part of your work.
Spellcheck is your friend. Read over your work.
Capitalization, too. Simple mistakes.
And try and break up that blob of text ya'll have there. Paragraphs, if you please!
Also, don't switch from first to third person so much.
My rant being over, I still want to remind you you have a lot of untapped potential there, and it'll take a lot more than little old twenty-three likes me to help you out. Good luck!
3496856 thank you I'll work a bit more to fix my mistakes though sometimes spellcheck puts in the wrong word then the one I'm going for.
the first person to third person switch is kinda will happen more or less depending on the transfer i'm looking for as the chapters move on though i will try to keep it at a minimum.
awsome my first dislike.
Let's see...where to begin...
Let's start with the positive:
You have an interesting premise for your story.
How you seem to be making this sort of a role-playing game kind of narration is very interesting, I can't wait to see where you go with it.
I like that you are including your own art.
And now the stuff that could use some work:
As was previously stated, spelling and grammar need work.
The POV shift can work for or against you, depending on how you use it. I don't recommend using 3rd person for your character and then switching to 1st person. If you want to use first person, then I suggest only using 3rd person for narrative purposes, or when you need the reader to know something that your main character doesn't/can't know.
Lastly, and maybe most importantly, at least when it comes to your story: story tense is important. Use either present tense, or past tense; try not to use both. Trust me, I know this is hard to do. It takes me a lot of proofreading to avoid using past tense when I'm writing in present tense.
On the whole, I'd like to see you write more for this. I'll be watching for it.