Chapter 13: Honestly, Honesty Is Honestly The Best Policy!
In ancient Equestrian folklore, there is a tale that speaks of a capricious deity that grants wishes. It is said that the wishes would be granted, but not in the way the wisher would expect. A good example was a young pegasus named Oatley. Oatley was struggling through the desert when he came across a small foal lying nonchalantly on a rock, heedless of the heat.
Curious, Oatley asked, “Would you happen to know where some water would be found?”
“Is that your wish?” the young colt asked him in return.
“Wish?”
“Yes, wish. I grant wishes. Do you wish to have a wish granted?”
“Well I'd like a wish if that is what you're offering.” He licked his lips. “I wish I had some water.”
Subsequently, Oatley found himself suspended over the ocean and then dumped into its unforgiving currents. Luckily for him, he was picked up by a passing pirate ship, and he worked as part of the rowing crew for the next ten years. Sometimes, he would swear that he heard the laughter of a small colt.
Moral of the story is, foals can be little monsters.
–––––
Though the door had undoubtedly unlocked, there was still a small panel on the side which seemed to trigger the door controls.
“There’s a few buttons here,” David remarked. Twilight sidled over.
“Okay let’s see. ‘Lock’, no we don’t want that. ‘Equalise’? What does that mean? Ah here, ‘Open’.”
“Are you sure? Maybe we should check out what the other buttons do.”
“I'm fairly sure ‘Open’ means ‘Open’, David.”
“Hmmph.”
Twilight slammed her hoof on the ‘Open’ button.
At once, the door groaned and began to move. There was a hissing sound as the pneumatic pistons worked hard to move the sluggish mass of metal. David took a couple of steps to the side as the door grated a couple of times, then stopped.
Something is wrong with the door, he thought to himself.
Twilight grumbled and trotted over to the panel. She glanced curiously at the human but stayed in front of the door.
“What are you doing over there?”
“Just taking precautions.”
“Nothing is going to happen; it’s just a door.”
David grunted but otherwise stayed quiet. Twilight shrugged, then pressed the ‘Open’ button again. The pneumatical pistons heaved once more and the door cracked open.
Then all hell broke loose.
With a whine, a whistle and then a roar, the vacuum on the other side of the door violently sought to correct the air pressure, sucking greedily at the air on the other side. With a muffled exclamation, Twilight flew from her position near the controls and became plastered in the small, but widening gap of the door.
“David!” she yelled desperately.
David was busy trying to cling onto the grooves in the wall. The wind was significantly decreased as Twilight blocked the gap, but the door was moving ever so slowly, working to make circumstances more and more perilous by the second.
“Hold on,” he grunted, pushing off the stone. He almost stumbled on his haphazard walk to door, and he whacked his head on the frame. The impact sent flashes across his eyes, and he blinked them away furiously.
“Right,” he growled, smashing a button on the panel blindly. He hoped it was the right one.
David could still see Twilight slipping through the still-widening gap.
“I don’t think you pressed the right one,” she squeaked and then fell through.
“No!” David yelled, flinging out a hand to grab her. He missed by the tips of his fingers.
“Damn it!” he cursed, his voice loud in the dying wind.
Wait. Dying wind?
David gingerly stepped around the frame. There was no longer any rushing wind. He peered through the door. A few feet away lay Twilight, dazed and confused but certainly not lost to the void, or the abyss, or anything like that.
“Oh hi,” she greeted meekly.
David didn’t say anything, just holding a hand to his chest. He sagged next to her taking deep breaths and trying to calm his wildly beating heart.
“Don’t do that,” he wheezed.
“Sorry,” Twilight muttered and he nodded absently.
“Woo it’s kind of dark in here, where’s the light?”
As if in response, a sudden buzzing noise issued from the ceiling.
David got to his feet and stood out in the open watching the lights flicker on after thousands of years of disuse. Frankly, he was impressed by the ability of the lights overhead to turn on after all this time. He wondered briefly if there was anything in the facility that did the maintenance.
The light illuminated row after row of gently gleaming metal.
The clop of hooves behind him distracted him from his thoughts.
“I don’t believe it. This. Is…”
“The mother load.” The statement seemed to lend itself weight as his voice carried into the far expanse of the open space.
–––––
Twilight trotted ahead, and David had to jerk himself into motion to keep up. The dim reflections of the metal surrounding them gave the chamber an ethereal glow. Silvery metal ringed them on all sides.
“There’s an alien kind of beauty to these…”
David reached out to touch one of the hulls. The moment he touched it, a polite cough resounded from behind him. His hand jerked away from the plating. He whipped around.
“Bloody hell!” he swore, uncharacteristically Australian-like.
The hologram rolled his eyes.
“Colonials,” he sniffed. “Can’t breed the manners into them.”
Twilight approached the hologram from the side, her hoof reaching out and passing right through the shimmering projection. She gasped and sat back.
The hologram looked offended.
“Didn’t your mother teach you any manners?” He focused on David. “Keep your pet under control.”
It took David a while to register that the hologram was speaking in a British accent.
“I’m not a pet!” Twilight exclaimed, her cheeks flaming a deep crimson. She pointed a hoof at David. “If anything, he’s the trained monkey.”
The hologram sniffed disdainfully at Twilight. David chuckled at her flustered reaction.
“Oh hold your horses,” the hologram shot sarcastically, then he cocked his head to a muffled sound that David couldn’t quite make out. “Hmm, the Commandant would like to speak with you.”
“You don’t look happy about it,” David remarked.
“It’s a bliddy dreary job it is here, over ten thousand years and then we get a response. Pretty flippin’ typical of you colonists.” He straightened his tie and marched off, the hologram cutting off briefly before reappearing.
David blinked at the ridiculously large moustache that bobbed hypnotically as the ‘Commandant’ pursed his lips and cleared his throat.
“Good morning, afternoon or evening, whatever it is on planetside, eh?”
David relaxed, it seemed like this man was a bit more cheerful.
“We’re underground and I’ve just woken up. I must say it’s good to talk to a human again,” David said conversationally, then paused. “Though I don’t know why you’re all British given that this is in America…”
The Commandant blinked and then smiled.“Ah, we’re all British here,” he said. “Everyone’s British. We came late to the party you see, and, apparently, the Americans all buggered off somewhere else! Thank heavens we didn’t have to deal with that lot, they were always so serious and ill-mannered. Didn’t know about tea-time, fancy that!” He clicked his fingers as if remembering something. “Oh yes, smashing news, most of the higher ups are breaking open the ol’ bottle of champagne and making a huge heave ho about Earth being habitable again. Exciting I’d say, simply exciting!”
David leaned in, intrigued. “How so? What’s the big celebration?”
“Well we rather thought the human race was extinct on old planet Earth. Good to see it’s in order, what with the orbital change, the knockout and all that. Give it enough time and it’ll fix itself! We’ve made a right mess of the planet back here… again. So it’s nice to finally come home wouldn’t you say?”
“Home? You’re coming back?”
“Absolutely my dear sir! As I’ve said the planet has been blimey’d to bollocks! I tell you, it’s been cock up after cock up. Good thing you called in, we can finally head back home!”
David glanced uneasily at Twilight as distant cheering sounded off in the background.
“Ah, I don’t think that’s such a good idea. There are other creatures living here now…” David trailed off, as Twilight shook her head and broke away.
The Commandant spotted Twilight and simply winked at David.
“Ah well, horses for courses, I’d say,” The Commandant chuckled, miming an elbow nudge. “Well, well, enough dilly dallying, we’ve got a homecoming to get to and I must be off! Cheerio, good sir.”
David snapped in action. “Hey wait—” he cried, stumbling forward.
But the hologram flickered out and David was left standing alone in the room. His mind scrambled as he tried to think of a one-liner that would fit this situation perfectly.
He decided he would go with the classics.
“Bugger.”
Huh.
Damn Brits.
5666683 Yeah, we Brits can be a load of right pompous arseholes even at the best of times, not that i'm apologizing for it or anything, it's something we are quite proud of
5666789 Burning oil and gas saved the whales because we needed a replacement for oil-based products. It became suitably ironic when oil spills became a thing. But yeah, we saved the whales!
On a related note I'd like to point out that oil and gas were just conveniences. All modern products and power can be derived or produced without the use of oil, gas or coal. You just need to have research focused on that. You can create plastics from base monomers ethylene derived from ethanol derived from glucose derived from cellulose. Just takes a lot of energy. A French inventor by the name of Augustin Mouchot made a solar powered engine. Unfortunately we discovered how to find coal more cheaply so we went for that instead. He lost his funding and went back to teaching and CSP was set back by about one hundred years...
brits are always the ones with the giant mustaches for the few that have them. DAMN THEM
That works.
When the British come to Equestria and do bugger all, just give us Americans a call! We'll surely come back and kick those limey bastards right in the nob!
Come on you ozzy sod, find some way to stop them! Please note that I am also a Brit and know how bad/good we can be but I would not change that fact for anything, better the devil you know and all that.
5666683 OH. MY. GOSH!
your Eris is sooo cuuuu~uuuuuute!
5667196 I will cuddle you :D
5667047 actually, we are advised not to laugh lest we spill our tea down ourselves, it's rather counterproductive if one intends to drink from a half empty cup
This is how I imagine the British coming to the world being
Also I am now all caught up.
Nearly every colonized country in the world knows what happened when the Brits showed up...
Wonder how he's gonna avoid this potential disaster
...I hope he'll explain to Twilight that a whingeing Pom is better than a winning Pom.
The British are coming!
Humans return!!!!!
Wait a second. Did that British guy insult americans?
...
Jerk.
5667642
I would advise you never come over to England then, my fine sir.
A lot of us here rather dislike Americans in general. Not me, of course, I tend to interact with them quite a bit.
5667801 Honestly, I don't care. I in fact love England. Even if the majority don't like america that much I will still always have a soft spot for people in England, and the country itself. No, I don't like England because of doctor who. Although that is partially why.
Shoot he called the British. This won't end well.
5667801
I've always wondered, why do they have such disdain for us anyways?
________________________
the British are comin huh?
lovely, its gonna be India all over again
I wonder if fluttershy will become pony Gandhi?
5668068
To be quite honest, I'm not too sure. I think it is a case of "The stupid minority (I hope) reflect on the entire people".
5668092 Hmmm, yeah, that makes sense. it also might actually be the majority( atleast where I live). Becuase, by god, you try to explain atoms to some of these people and they think your flippin Tesla. hell half of 'em don't even have a firm grasp of our country's history. And its not like there is a lot to begin with. Hell, my own aunt who is fucking 56, doesn't even know how our government works! and that just blew my mind! I had a revelation where I went "holy shit at the age of 17 I'm quite possibly one of the smartest people I know". So yeah, stereotypes exist for a reason kids. but then again im fairly certain I'm almost as rural as it gets wothout living on a farm.
IMPERIALISM 101
Commandant: We claim this world in the name of Her Imperial Majesty.
Twilight: Wait one second, you can't claim Equestria... We live here. We've already got our own Princesses and government and country.
Commandant: Do you have a flag?
Twilight: A what?
Commandant: A flag... Do you have a flag?
Twilight: We have a lot of decorations and tapestries... But no, we don't have a flag.
Commandant: No flag... No country. Those are the rules!
Twilight: Well then... how do we get a flag?
Commandant: Oh, you needn't bother... Here, just use ours.
Why it is so many people in charge seem to lose IQ points as their rank increases? The Commandant made a lot of blind assumptions about Earth's current condition. 1) that humans still lived there (other than David none do), 2) that Earth was orbiting normally again under it's own power (rather than Alicorn assisted movement of the Sun and Moon), and 3) that Twilight wasn't sapient. He didn't ask for any clarification, or if it was safe to return, he simply assumed it was and buggered off before David could correct him. Things will get rather sticky when humans arrive to recolonize and find multiple sapient beings with their own civilizations, and not all will be as understanding or willing to compromise as the ponies.
Aw man! The conclusion already? But I was just starting to get into this story!
-Kirb, possibly on drugs. (yt • da • tr) fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/019/3/b/sig_by_flyingbrickanimation-d8elwjm.png
very shot but a bloody lot of progress. I do have one prediction though.
She'll be right.
5668150
Bah! Bah I say!
Equestria is so good, they have two flags!
...now, which one to use? Hmm. Or both? Er. Then again there's this third flag which is kind of the first two smooshed together. Um.
then the British Colony Fleet was hit by a magiccly moving sun. The End.
oh no...this isn't good...
I have watched Avatar and i kind of know how this could go...
and that "horses for courses" sounded frightening if translated correctly...please tell me it has some kind of meaning in urban slang.
5667801
5668068
The stereotypes aren't true, and I'm referring to the stereotype that the British hate Americans. Having lived in both places for more than a year each, I've very rarely seen any nastiness based on nationality, and whoever was being nasty was a dick anyway.
The French, on the other hand...
5668231
The Dilbert Principle. When someone's incompetent at their job, but not enough to get fired over it, they are systematically promoted to a position where they can do less damage.
Unfortunately, there is a golden zone of incompetence where someone is just incompetent enough in every job they're given, and they're eventually moved up to a position that's very hard to fire them from.
Oh, what's that? It's fate, and it's starting to move. Something big is coming, like a Doctor Who season finale.
And this is how the Equine race went extinct. Damn you British people! I'm kidding, of course.
5669230
Speaking as someone who has lived in England for 16 years, it is true to a degree. Most people just keep quiet about it.
Oops. I have an Imperium of Man (WH40K)-level bad feeling here.
5669459
But you specifically said that you hoped it was a case of the stupid minority reflecting on the population. I was confirming that for you.
There's one thing I'd like to add; there is a distinction between hating Americans and hating stupid tourist Americans. Stupid tourists of any nationality are hated by most people around the world, and for good reason. Unfortunately, both the US and Canada have a double helping of the stupid tourist type.
May there be epic fights!
Please don't end the story the next chapter
But what about other countries?
"I wish for one grain of sand, exactly 0.01 grams in mass, to appear at zero relative velocity upon the top of the dermal layer of my hand after which time said sand grain shall behave according to all local natural physical laws."
Alondro is best wisher!
5671097 At least we're not the French. They beheaded all their aristocracy!
Then they F'd up their democracy in about a decade and ended up ruled by a short emperor.
And then there was Waterloo. HA!!
Stupid Frenchies! You guys suck as dodgeball!
(Alondro is half-French and is therefore permitted by political correctness to make fun of them. He can also legally harass Germans and the Dutch.)
5669231 The Doctor would be most displeased. He doesn't like humans acting badly any more that he likes aliens acting badly.
Just six little words... "Don't you think she looks tired?"
5668231 British people lose badly when forced to fight small bunnies...
cdn2.screenjunkies.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/monty.python.holy_.grail_.bunny_.rabbit.jpeg
Unless they get a Holy Hand Grenade. But I suspect these British space people are satanic atheists! Therefore, they'll be helpless!
5671747
Run away... run away!
5671097 honestly, if we're going that route, then I think it involves a lot more than that.
5671182
they americans are too lazy
the irish are too drunk
the french are too "high class" to return to the "dirt world"
the germans are all robots that live in space, just chilling
the japanese are rich from selling robot bodies to the germans
the chinese are already invading the andromeda
the russians are all dead becuase they thought they could survive if of solely vodka
north korea's last surviving member, is slowly making his way to equestria to
conquer it on his own
and everybody else hated it there anyways
( any other stereotypes I forgot?)
5671992 The Space Muslims suicide-bomb the pony devil infidels. The Space Nigerian Princes offer to give them millions if the ponies will just send them some bits first with their account information. The Space Inuit are quite happy to live in the frozen North outside of the Crystal Empire. The Space Indians get all their information support jobs. The Space Australians all want to wrassle cragodiles and think Diamond Dogs are mutant space dingoes that want to eat their space babies... poor Shelia...
god damnit idiot humans. I hope Celestia goes Apoc on your ungrateful snobbish asses.
5671097
frankly the English has distain for everybody even other Englishmen
were just polite about it
5672208
We forgt about the space mexicans!
ther taking the spacwamericans jobs, but the space americans are too lazy to do anything about it
or the space italians, their crimianl empire already controls the universe
5671730
It's common misconception but Napoleon was of average height. People in that age were shorter than today.
5690145 I know that! But the joke doesn't work if you say, "they end up being run by an average-sized emperor"!! IT'S FOR THE SAKE OF THE JOKE!!
fc05.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/354/b/8/wakko_salute_by_bludrgn426-d4jaihv.jpg
5671097 Well, actually it was a bit more like (I believe, don't trust me) "Fuck you, you can't tell us to give the savages their land back"
Don't trust me. Unless it's with your wallet.
5671992 Yes. The space Dutch preferred the space Cheese but want to come back for their cows and windmills sakes. And then burn all the nutmeg again.