To Drown A Butterfly
She was a petite pony, with hooves that seemed covered in everlasting polish. She had a grayish mane that looked to have just been stylized at a rather expensive beauty parlor only hours before, and her teeth had the impression of holding back a scowl. Her horn wasn’t glowing, but if it had, it would have been dusting the old saloon we were in. Her coat was mostly ash, like the remaining timbers of old flames. Her green eyes with curly eyelashes had a glare like she couldn't believe that she was going to succumb to a lowlife like me.
The Drunken Horse Saloon wasn’t usually the place where sophisticated ponies were seen. Not that we were in a bad part of Los Pegasus. Hell’s Bakery was only three blocks away from Sunset Boulevard, and its posh atmosphere must have rubbed off on the old tavern. Not nearly enough to warrant any favor from this pony though. It was where I spent a lot of my free time, drinking chardonnay with apple slices on top. I was having that at the moment, while the mare in front of me discarded the water as “downright disgusting."
I would normally meet clients in an abandoned alley, where the deep shadows gave me cover more efficiently than my trench coat could. But on this occasion, I decided to do this transaction in a homey place. Not for any particular reason, just because I was lazy. And on this occasion, I didn’t wear anything except a black bow tie. I had to look professional, to seize control over the situation, and especially, to make bits.
She looked around the room, as if looking for any LPPD members. I sighed and shook my head. She was obviously naive, as she couldn’t figure out that the only reason I came after her was because the police loathed her. Her phone records stated she called them at least three times a day, for reasons ranging from a bad hair job by her stylist to finding a mouse under her bed. I smiled at the thought.
Her face returned to the table. She must have been nervous and anxious to get this over with, but at least she tried to act professional. She was slightly shaking, but her face looked calm and collected. My own face betrayed nothing. As long as the transaction was completed, I was more than happy to waste time not looking at each other.
“I don’t know very much about you.” she said.
I knew more than a little about her. Her name was Velvet Rose. She was around 35 years old and she lived in a gated community under the Hollywood sign. She lived in a mansion, which I presumed was made of gold and lollipops (at least, those were the rumors). She had a rich husband, from which all her recent problems (me) started. She didn’t work, but was busy doing her social obligations. She had an ego that a million bits couldn’t satisfy. She was at a masquerade party at her neighbor’s house when my “associate” visited her mansion.
“I’m afraid there’s not much to know,” I said.
“I’m afraid there is, Mr. Ponetti,” she said, each syllable in my name dripping poison.
“Listen, I would love to help you, Mrs. Rose. But as civilized ponies, I think we should conduct our business after dinner. As a member of high society I’m sure you agree. What looks appetizing to you?”
She had a dazed look in her eyes, as if she couldn’t believe she was being lectured about being civilized by someone like me. Her face turned to anger, but she deftly masked it finding her composure. Her mood was dreadful, though. I mean, the food wasn’t that bad here. Right?
Our waiter came, and I ordered my usual meal of daisy sandwiches. Without looking at the menu, Velvet said she would have the same. She was as bored and annoyed as anypony I have ever taken meet. I’ve never been a victim, but I would like to think I would act a little more pleasant with the situation. Not smiling wouldn’t fix anything, only makes your own mood more sour.
I just shrugged and grinned as Mrs. Rose tried to be still and failed, something she was obviously not use to. Her hooves kept tapping at the floor, her eyes glancing all over the saloon, and her tongue was sticking out just the slightest bit. Finally, she sighed and asked, “Can I smoke in here?”
I nodded and she took out a long cigarette, one of those you see the evil dame’s sucking away at in the movies. Being the gentlecolt I am, I took out my lighter and lit it for her. She nodded her head in acknowledgement and breathed in the smoky delight. I saw her shoulders relax, and for a second she looked liked a regular pony, enjoying a good cigarette.
I watched her for a few seconds and leaned back in my chair. My chair and I had a long history together, with me occasionally napping while on it, or passing out from drinking too much. The ass-print on my chair left me wondering if I was going to spend the rest of my life in this bar. I didn’t have the blood-shot eyes that many years of drinking would earn you, but it didn’t surprise me. I was only twenty-four years old.
Velvet puffed a few more times, the smoke rising into the rafters where it dissipated only adding to the smoky atmosphere of the room, then put it out on the ashtray. “Do you still have it? Please, I just have to see if you are lying or not.”
I understood why she couldn’t relax until she saw the necklace. I got it out of my pocket and laid it on the table. The necklace was shaped like a butterfly and weighed nearly four pounds, solid gold. Small diamonds glittered outside of the wings and the two antennas folded over each other to create a heart. A tear dropped out of her left eye when she saw it.
She said, “Thank Celestia, it’s all right! I thought you would have sold it to some meth head, or drug dealer." She said the last two words as if she tasted bile.
“No meth head can pay what this thing is worth.”
“Still, I assumed that you were only leading me on for more money. I was afraid that when I brought it you would... I’m just so relieved that it’s safe.” She reached to pick it up, but I was faster.
“Not till after dinner, darling.” She glared daggers at me then, oh how I love it when they loathe me. Makes things more interesting.
Her eyes were full of fury, no doubt her default emotion. She was probably contemplating whether she should strangle me before or after the exchange, when our meal arrived. I ate like a starving horse, please excuse the pun. Mrs. Rose, with all her good breeding and etiquette, levitated a knife and began cutting up the sandwiches into minuscule squares. The squares themselves were cut into triangles, and she kept cutting until there were a million pieces of a once great sandwich. I’d already finished, so I was just watching the spectacle.
She began eating shortly thereafter. I swallowed the glass of chardonnay and ordered another. And another. And another. I just downed my fifth drink when she was finished. Finally, we got down to business.
“Twenty thousand bits.”
“Are you out of your mind!," she shouted, obviously not caring about the stares we were receiving from the other patrons.
“Keep your voice down. Yes, that is what I am asking for. I know it means much more than twenty thousand bits to you, so just shut up and pay me.” I don’t usually get that rude, but I was starting to get lightheaded, probably just the least bit drunk as my vision started to blur. I wish I hadn’t set up the exchange this way. Instead of hours, it could have taken twenty seconds in an abandoned alley. Next time.
“How dare you try to sell me something that belongs to me in the first place!” She took a deep, long breath and continued. “I know you have preconceived notions that I am the richest pony in Los Pegasus. My husband is, but I’m not. You have to be reasonable.”
“Your husband," I said angrily, “is a douchebag that uses filly labor to make his shampoo products! You have no standing with me when it comes to money. I would personally ask for a million bits, but as you stated otherwise, I am a reasonable pony. This is your only chance to get back your necklace. Otherwise, I enjoyed your company and you know where the door is.”
Velvet tried to take the power of the situation away from me. No pony does that. She looked exhausted, physically and mentally. She knew she was defeated. Trying to save some face, she said, “You have to give me some time. My husband gives me an allowance, but nowhere near enough to cover that.”
“I’ll give you twenty minutes to call him and arrange for him to put the money in a briefcase and then you bring it here. Every minute that you are late, I will double the price.”
She was dumbstruck. I looked at my pocket watch and said, “The clock is ticking…”
She quickly got out of the booth and went to the payphone near the restrooms. I didn’t hear much of the conversation. Then she hurriedly went out the door, all while I was drinking my fifth (or was it my sixth?) glass of chardonnay.
Eighteen minutes later, Velvet came back to the booth, this time hovering a large briefcase on the table. I made no move for it.
“Don’t you want to see if all the bits are there?”
“No thanks. I’m satisfied you haven’t cheated me.”
“Why? Is it that I’m always honest?”
I laughed at that idea. “No. I know where you live.”
It was obvious that it never occurred to her that I might try to con her again. I threw the necklace up in the air and she caught it with ease. She gave me a nod, in acknowledgement that our business was done, and hurried off into the night. I suppose she caught a pegasi cab that would fly her back to her mansion. I could walk to my apartment from The Drunken Horse; it was literally a stone’s throw away.
I realized that nothing changed much from this exchange. The Rose’s were a few thousand bits poorer, but with her husband's growing empire of shampoo products, it would be remade in less than a month. All my income required was criminal activity. She lived in a mansion, and I lived in a mold-infested apartment next door to a grumpy old mare who shouts too loud at her television. Our lives have touched briefly, but now it was over.
Except, I had one final piece business to take care of.
I carried the briefcase across the street into my apartment. I had to set it just inside my apartment and locked the door. Walking for ten blocks was pretty tiring, so I was glad when I reached the Los Pegasus River. I opened my pocket and took out the real necklace. The one I had given Velvet was a fake, professionally made by a Mr. Vendetta. Or at least that was what they told me. They never tell me anything.
My original plan was to con Mrs. Rose out of the 20,000 bits, and then sell the original for the street value of six thousand bits. A clever game, a game in which I always won. But not that night. That night, I realized that they would always win. I got some money for my troubles and I guess that is all any pony could ask for. But I wanted more. I wanted power, respect, recognition, and all the little things that make a pony a success at life.
I stared at my prize, a beautifully hoof-crafted necklace. If I looked at it just right, I could swear that the wings were glowing, an after effect of the diamonds hitting the moonlight. I held it in my mouth and twisted the necklace, making it seem like it was hovering. I couldn't even guess how old it was, but I knew it was from an era where gold ruled supreme. I guess things never really change. We’ve gone from gold to bits, but greed stayed the same.
I didn’t deserve it, and the Rose’s certainly didn’t deserve it. Life is unfair at times, you know? But I could do something about that now, in my own petty way. I heaved back and threw it into the river, watching the butterfly cease to flap its wings as it sank below the black surface. Magnificent beauty lost to the dark waters below. I turned and walked away, feeling like something has died inside of me. Maybe another glass of chardonnay would fix that…
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I got to say i enjoyed the story keep up the good work.
Not quite what I was expecting, a few spelling mistakes here and there, but definitely good.
My advice: First get some cover art, people are attracted to it and more likely to read the story. Two: make this a multi-chapter story, you've created a great character and a good set up for a story, so why not write it as one?
This is great!
It is good, I can't remember the last time I was actually interested in an OC, but you made it great.
The story itself is very fresh and kept me reading more and more, the only fault I see with this is that near the end it felt a bit rushed and it's way too short, you should probably expand it or make it a short multi-chapter story.
Edit: Also, find a proper cover art, it will attract more people to it, a cover art acts sort of like a "serious story here" kind of mark.
Good job. This was a good read. Keep up the good work.
I can tell you a new writer. It's not bad, not really good, but not bad. Better then most beginners. You should look for an editor just in case. At least your doing well. While I didn't take interest in the story, others seemed to have so your getting a feel of it.
Not bad I like it
Saw a few spelling errors but not many, to be honest its not my kinda story, I prefer action adventure and fantasy types like the one I'm writing.
But this was well written, though I wasn't really sure what was going on.
I hope you do well in your next story as well.
~Urimas Ebonheart~
Strangle, I hope you mean. But, overall, this was a really good story. I really liked the mystery around the main character, as it is one of the driving points of the story. That, and what the Butterfly was and how the guy got it. However, there are a lot of things exposed here that can progress the story as a singular story, instead of going on and making other stories. I have a strong feeling you can pull off a novel with this idea, as you definitely have the means of doing so. Also, it's a little more convenient for the readers to hop to chapters than other stories. But, if you want it to be a more or less "random adventures" series, I can see where you're coming from.
But, again, this is a really good story that you can flesh out a little more, a minor disappointment since the series is to continue. There are some structural and spelling errors you might want to read backwards to, but these are minor as well. Keep up the good work!
(Also, I may read your other stories; you might gain a follower after that. :D)
Allllllrighty. Overall the premise is solid.
There were a few issues with tense and improper word usage. I feel like this needs more substance. Where did he get the necklace? Who is her husband? Why did he steal it? But for the length that it is, it's not bad.
My advice would be to head over to the Writers Group and look around for a proofreader. Sometimes it helps to bounce ideas and other thoughts off of another person. Other than that, keep practicing. You're on the right track.
5113115
Ah, seems I wasn't the only one to get that message.
Not bad, I like it.
There were some grammar and spelling issues that I noticed, but I think most of the previous commentators already brought it up. I mostly read romance, very rarely do I read anything that didn't have a romance tag.
That aside though, not a bad read, I thoroughly enjoyed the feel of this fic, I think it flowed rather nicely, it had a kind of noir-esque feel to it (which is a plus), though I think it would've felt even more noir-ish if you described the setting before you introduced/described Mrs. Rose.
Alright. Let's get down to business, shall we? First off are the facts. You have a few spelling errors and wonky sentences, but overall it's cleanly wrote. Now for my opinion.
The story idea is alright, it needs to be refined a bit, but definitely show s potential
I give it a 7/10
OK. You like my story. But, you've got to admit yours is better!
I am so serious, I ended that sentance with PHOTO FINISH! This is a great story!
Hello, my good sir! Remember me?
Okay, so you asked me to give your story a read, and I have done. So, here is my review.
Ahem.
First of all, the setting seems pretty good. The description could say a little more about what exactly this story is going to be about.
I agree with some of the other comments that there are a few fixes needed in your story to polish it up, but ignoring them for now the story looks like it is written well. The ending took me by surprise, since if the necklace was that valuable I thought he would went ahead and sold it, so when I read that part about throwing it into the river, I was taken aback. All that effort just to throw it away? His character may have more to him than I initially thought. Be sure not to break the personality you've set for him. This strange behavior has me personally interested, though I don't know how other people here feel about him.
And I also agree that you should get some cover art. It will help make your story stand out more when you come to update future chapters.
You kept to a decent pace in your writing. You didn't make the whole meeting too clear to me until I actually read further into the story. I didn't know why the mare was acting like she was around this, Mt Ponetti was his name? So, I was compelled to read further on until I started to understand why she was so agitated and hostile towards this character. You also stayed focused on the primary subject which was the conversation between the two characters, whereupon some new writers would break away sometimes to write about the scenery going on around the main focus as an excuse to write more words then are needed, to provide unnecessary filler.
Simple, clear, but just needs those few mistakes polishing up.
So, overall, I reckon this is a good start. I'm no great writer myself, so I don't know how valuable my input is to you, but I've given you my honest opinions and so I hope this is useful enough.
I like this story. Find a good cover art or make your own up, and this story might be able to go somewhere.
You receive a bro-hoof from me for your effort, good sir.
- UniqueSKD
I thank you all for reading. I get a great feeling whenever I write something that other people liked. I appreciate all you comments and I will work on advancing my writing skills. I consider all of you my friends, as I'm fairly new (2 months). Again, thank you for all the constructive criticisms.
A billion bits to all of you,
M.D
All you need is an editor. Very nice story! I can give you a more detailed breakdown when I get home from work.
I love noir! Yes, I'll read this! Let's do this! Also, here's a few relevant wiki pages:
Noir Genre
The Main Character
An Essential Quality (Check out the quotes page)
The Woman
Alright, you're clearly opening with a monologue (plus or minus the private eye part), and that's perfect. However, it doesn't roll of the mental tongue the way it should. It's almost there. When I read it, I knew I was reading a noir story, but I kept tripping over complex sentences and 3+ syllable words.
Remember, the main character of a noir tale is highly intelligent, but poorly educated. His words are simple and colloquial (for the 50's), brusque even. His sentences are short and avoid commas like the plague, often containing only a single clause. It there are multiple clauses, introductory clauses are rarely longer or shorter than 2-4 words. Where his intelligence is shown is in how he speaks. The noir lead will think in metaphors and similies (primarily the former), use alliteration, dabble in parallelism, flourish double meanings, and toy with extended metaphors.
Here's a parody of the noir genre demonstrating exactly what I'm talking about.
Notice first that the scene and atmosphere is set before anything happens. In particular, it opens with a discussion of the weather, a classic technique, but that is optional. In your story, you jump first into describing the woman (not a femme fetal, yet she bares many of the qualities of one; it works here, but you could consider making her more competant). You only then go on to describe the lead and the circumstances. It could work this way, but in any noir piece, you really have to pull people into the atmosphere/mood with your first paragraph or it all falls apart.
Speaking of the atmosphere, good work overall, although perhaps a bit too middle class for our lead if I read it right. He really should be somewhere further downtown, especially in a place like Los Pegasus (I didn't get a feel for if this was supposed to be Los Angeles [extended canon] or Las Vegas [intended canon]).
Now as the narration goes on, at its heart, everything said is great. But you keep hitting the same problems as the opening monologue with how it is said. You have to be very careful with word choice in noir pieces.
Right, so dialogue. The first few lines are very clunky. For instance,
I can't do anything with that. At first, it sort of sounds like she's trying to work her wiles on Ponetti (wouldn't this be a female name?) like a femme fetal would, but then she turns out to speak the words like they were a poison. And later she buckles under the pressure very quickly. Her words are in alignment with your earlier descriptions of her, but I expected a femme fetale, so I got a strong sense of disconnection when I read her second line.
Also, our narrator wouldn't just say "she said" or "I said" with these kinds of lines. This is the point when you queue her eyelashes to start batting and such. The noir lead is observant and reads people like a book. He knows what people are really thinking.
As the story goes on, the dialogue gets better, but remember, in written noir, the real dialogue is in the narration. Don't let talking in the story break the flow of the lead talking to the reader.
Now that I get to it, here's an example of a revision.
First off, don't use all caps. Capslock is not cruise control for cool. A simple exclaimation marks is sufficient, or perhaps bold text if her voice is magically amplified beyond the physically possible. Next, put a period after that she said, and strike out that obviously. It just doesn't work like this. Try something to the effect of:
Notice the double meaning of green eyes. Her eyes are green, and we associate green with money. That is the kind of stuff a noir lead does without even noticing it. The sentences are also short and to the point.
And now we come to the ending. I liked the direction you took it, but it needs some expanding. You introduced a 'they' that we know nothing about. This is fine, but put the mysterious 'they' at the beginning of the story so it doesn't appear abruptly at the very end and disappear just as quickly. I especially enjoyed that Ponetti threw the necklace away (and his justification for why he performed the con), but I didn't get a very solid sense of why he did it. I can grasp at straws, but I can't quite put together the details into something that I consider the 'definately right' answer.
Overall, a solid story that was reasonably well executed. Take the time to polish it until it shines, and you'll have something great.
I would be lying if I said I didn't care if this made the feature page or not. I would love to have more people see it. I thank all of my loyal readers. If you could suggest this to others, then I'd be grateful. Please Like and Comment below.
A billion bits to you (and one for me),
M.D
A great noir story of extortion and deceit. Well done
Keep it up
You asked me to read the story and I loved it. Truth be told, the only noir-esque shows I ever seen were from the cartoons like Tom and Jerry which had episodes set in that genre. However, I do feel like you were spot on with the writing, but a little more context at the start would be good.
This chapter needs a little polishing, mainly just to fix up a few errors in grammar.
I've listed a few, but you might still need to read over the chapter to get the others that I've missed.
Replace 'have' with 'of'
I think you meant 'strangle'
Don't worry, this type of error is easy to make and miss
Add another 'she' between 'knew' and 'was'
Overall, I liked the story, and would be happy to keep track of it. Only 2 months of fanfic writing experience? I got to say I'm really impressed. Keep up the good work, and I'm sure you'll get to the feature box.
I think it was clever to use your OC in a story like this because it shows creativity and originality with the character's background, worldview, and personality. In most of my stories they are based off of characters I have created and even sometimes my OC. I think it was very good for a first story/author. Keep up the good work!
I'm getting a Film Noir feeling to this. I liked it!
This was a very precise way to began a story. I hope it all goes well.
SOLD