I woke up from my foggy state, thinking of nothing and everything at once. I didn’t quite understand the grimace on the waitress’s face as I slowly rubbed my sore eyes. What was she so pissed off about? It probably wasn’t the first time a customer took a nap in his french fries.
The truth of the matter was that it was 2 A.M in Los Pegasus and I was late. Not for a very important date, but late nevertheless. Reality was increasingly painful as it flew past me. It rebounded and hit me straight in the face. Now awakened and facing a very angry restaurant owner with a butcher knife heading my way, I threw a hoof-full of bits onto the counter and ran to the nearest taxi drop-off. I could hear the cussing from three blocks away.
In a city that never sleeps, my poor soul passed out after only two Bloody Mary’s last night. A pony half my age could drink more than I did. I should just stick to chardonnay. Instead of being energized by the drinks, the only consolation prize is my loss of memory of what I’ve actually done. I don't even remember entering the establishment! If you think this is a common occurrence, you’d be wrong. Although this was the first time this was the first time I’ve woken up to a half-eaten hay burger, I’ve had many other occurrences, including this weird story about a little baby dragon who was so drunk, he made out with a lamp.
I got into a taxi and told the driver to take me to the Wailing Crybaby. The cab stunk of moldy pizza and burned cigars. I felt sick as soon as the ride started. That’s when I noticed I didn’t have my wallet on me, which I must have dropped at the restaurant. Since taxis don’t make money off of generosity, I had a sinking feeling that my next meal would be mystery meat at the city jail. As soon as the driver stopped for a red light, I jumped out and ran as fast as I could. He hesitated for a second, then also jumped off and tried to pursue me. I can run fast in my sober state, but drunk Ponetti is unmanageable and pathetic. Luckily, the driver realized my sorry butt wasn’t worth the trouble and headed back to his taxi.
Exhausted, broke, and not exactly in the best state of mind, I collapsed on the sidewalk.
Several hours later, I woke up to the feeling of my face being stepped on. My eyes darted to the perpetrator, a dark brown pony with corn for his Cutie Mark. His blue eyes turned almost amber from fury as to being disturbed by such a lowlife as myself. I screamed profanities at him and he started a shoving match. I would have beaten Celestia's fury out of him when a fat LPPD pony walked around the corner. Giving no time to explain the situation, I did my default mode: RUN! Corny attempted to chase me alongside the police-pony, but acting on my hooves, I ducked into a garbage can. Smelling the garbage reminded me of the taxi and I wondered if the driver was still looking for me too. More enemies then friends. Just like Baltimare...
I slowly crawled out of the garbage. I needed some gum, so I reached into my saddle and surprisingly found my wallet, seemingly unharmed. Sometimes life is funny. This time it was just aggravating. Disgusted at pony kind, I trotted to the Wailing Crybaby.
The Wailing Crybaby was a famous jazz club in Los Pegasus. Once inside, you were welcomed to a large dining area, where cheap plastic chairs placed around oak wood tables covered the majority of the space. To the left, there was the only bar in town where you can add cocaine to your drink. I’ve never had the pleasure of trying out their "special", but it couldn’t taste all that bad since it's their number one product.
A well lit stage to the right was currently uninhabited, with only a single microphone. The speakers were obnoxiously hanging over a few of the booths and were considered one of the worst places to be seated. I would have suggested moving the speakers, but Emma Crybaby, the owner, was a notorious killer who claimed her husband’s life with a machete. The rumors were that she drank his blood and ate his intestines (I don’t believe them either). The only reason why she wasn’t sent to Grenade Prison was because an idiot somewhere in the LPPD office misfiled her paperwork and she got off scot-free. So, I keep my mouth shut about the speakers.
Dawning was probably on a smoke break, as everypony who isn’t working is smoking their lungs out. Me, I never cared for it, mostly because it’s too expensive. The food was dreadful to say the least. Sometimes you might have even found a lock of hair in your hay burger. And I’m pretty sure the waitresses spit in your chardonnay, as mine so clearly did.
I waited for the only reason why I was in a hellhole like this. Suddenly, the lights went off, a darkened figure appeared on the stage, and musical delight filled my ears. Midnight's voice was magnificent, like a billion birds chirping the same song in unstressed harmony. There were no instruments, just this one mare singing. The drunken bastards who were yelling a second ago, instantly shut up to hear beauty in the form of compressed air waves. After she was done, a loud cheer from the audience was enough to make her blush.
Midnight approached as I ordered my fifth glass of chardonnay. “Serendipity Eggstrum, how are you?”
I cringed at the sound of my birth name. “You know that name bothers me. How can anyone respect some pony who has a ridiculous name like that?”
“It would be very hard.” Midnight took the place adjacent to me and stared at me. “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing. At least nothing important. I didn’t come here to talk about my problems; I wanted to see you.”
I first met her when she was a bank teller at Los Pegasus Bank. During my criminal youth, I strolled in one afternoon casing the joint out so I could rob it the next day, when I saw her trying to come up with the interest rates. Her beauty caught me off guard and not thinking straight. I knew that she couldn't be there when the shit hit the fan or I'll be losing my mind.
My partner, whom I’ll refer to as K, agreed to make sure Dawning was out of the area when we did the job. We arranged for someone in the organization to kidnap her for a few hours. K was a unicorn, so his destruction magic was the best weapon we had. We stormed the place and looted the money. We made a clean getaway and I ordered the kidnapper to let her go. But for some reason, he refused and I had to go over to his apartment and beat the living crap out of him until he told me where he stashed Midnight. I found her located in the closet and ever since, she believes I saved her.
She thinks I'm an insurance adjuster, not a puppet for "The Organization". The bank shut down (she was so surprised to learn it was robbed coincidentally when she was kidnapped), and she decided to take voice lessons. Her instructor recommended her to Crybaby, and Midnight has been here ever since. I never told her about my role in her kidnapping, but I’ve come close a couple of times. I can usually handle the guilt, but when she says something like, "You're my hero", my eyes only portray shame. I haven’t seen her in a few weeks and now her appearance was soaking into my soul.
“What?” she said, her face trying to read my inner thoughts.
“Actually, I have a sort of moral dilemma. Someone has asked me to do something that I feel I shouldn’t do, but he is offering a lot of money, more money than I ever had at one time, and I just feel lost.”
“What is he asking you to do?”
“He wants me to liquidize an asset.”
Midnight closed her eyes and rubbed her head, trying to portray a great deal of thought. It annoyed me that she was trying to use such a cliché move to express her emotions.
“You never cared about money. Why start now?”
“Well, it could make a lot of things easier. I could get a new apartment, buy you diamond rings every day, and pretty much do anything. Besides, this…asset is causing a lot of problems for a lot of ponies. Maybe I’ll be doing the world a favor by eliminating it.”
Midnight frowned. “You told me that it was a moral dilemma. How could it be a dilemma when you already made your decision?”
I was confused. “I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did. You wouldn’t be sitting here right now if you did.”
I had no clever comeback, no downright denial. She was right. I knew what I had to do. It might not be orthodox, but at least I knew it was a solution.
“Okay. I’m off to deal with the problem. I’ll try to stop by more. And tell Crybaby to move those damned speakers. They make my ears bleed every time someone farts near the microphone.”
“See you, S.E. I will always love you, forever.”
I didn’t bother telling her that there was no such thing as forever. Things happened and they happened now, as any future was inconceivable in this city, where the living become dead overnight.
“I love you too. Goodnight, Midnight.”
Yet another great chapter but for some reason it didn't show up in my favourites
I enjoyed the story a lot. I hope you continue writing this stuff, as this website is lacking in noire. Good Job.
I'm not really the kind of person this story would probably appeal to to begin with, so take everything I'm going to say with a grain of salt.
I thought the story was okay. I just didn't find myself caring too much about what was going on; one issue was the fact I didn't find the protagonist likable. So, he steals something valuable, makes them buy it back, and gives them back a fake? Despite some attempts to make the victim unlikable, that hardly endears me to the protagonist. Maybe I'm not supposed to like him, but it does mean I'm hardly anchored to what's going on. And the "minimalist" style leaves me sort of confused sometimes as to what's going on. Though admittedly, maybe that's because not that much has happened in regards to the new plot so far.
I don't know. Didn't really have many thoughts one way or the other on this one. All I can say is that a story that isn't the sort of story that would appeal to me... doesn't appeal to me. Sorry for letting you down after you requested a review, but I couldn't think of that much to say about it.
One thing that did seem odd to me is the comedy tag. I really didn't see much comedy in the story at all.
Hi there, this is the one, the only, and the SURPRISINGLY average, Scarlett Haze from WRITE. If other writers that I've reviewed will tell you, they would say that I'm... eccentric with what I note down. Either that or they'll tell you that I'm some guy with a gimmick of madness, but really that's up for interpretation.
I commend the all OC cast choice, though I'm curious as to why this isn't marked as Alt Universe, unless this is taking place in the same existence of the MLP:FiM show that I'm unaware of. I've got a few questions coming in and hopefully can have them answered and then given more questions to ask myself as I move on.
A minor error that I had noticed. The sentence should be “Her green eyes with curly eyelashes had a glare like she couldn't believe that she was going to succumb to a lowlife like me.”
Continuing on, I've found other minor errors as I read, but they are usually consistent with either missing or misspelled wording.
This first chapter is like you stated in your Author's Notes - a bit confusing. But, by saying that, I am intrigued as to the following -
1. Why exactly did this Mr. Ponetti throw a very expensive piece of jewelry away into the river, despite even stating that he was in a run-down part of town and he wanted more?
2. Who exactly is Mr. Ponetti's 'associate'?
3. Because of the swap, will the Roses' figure out that they have the fake?
All fascinating questions, but none of my original questions were really answered either. I'm just assuming that there are no ties between this story and the story of MLP:FiM.
And as I entered the smoke-filled room, I made my way towards the next chapter.
Chapter 2 felt short, but for what it needed to do (being as it sets up the next 'job') it was actually pretty good. I'm still not to sure about the boundaries on Mr. Ponetti, but I can somewhat see how he got to where he was. Clawing and scraping at everything to just get some kind of foothold in life. To be honest, this entire chapter almost felt like a GTA kind of cutscene. Character comes in and holds a little conversation with the main character and then the mission goes underway.
I was about to ask what was going on at the start of Chapter 3, but the amnesia part cleared that mess up. As a reader, all I know is that Mr. Ponetti was going for someone named Midnight.
The mad dash as Ponetti struggles to get around is frustrating, which in my mind is actually a good thing. He doesn't have his wallet when he reaches the taxi, but after being ran off by a cop and a random-passerby, finding it on his personage kind of accents this level of confusion and frustration.
I guess there's not much else to talk about this chapter either, as its only job was to introduce Midnight Dawning (which I'm assuming is her name) and her connection to Ponetti.
Overall Thoughts:
This is not meant to be the heartwarming 'Good man in a bad town' story. This is a Survival story; not in the traditional sense, mind you. It's either you make your money and live with your guilt, or you gain nothing and retain your morals. It's a dark place, and its either you or the town that's going to break, and believe you me, that town is a tough girl. Much like the town, this story is occasionally flawed, but nothing a little touch up and a careful eye couldn't fix. There's something in here, and I only think I've touched upon the start of something much more.
I don't touch upon Noire very often, but each story of its kind is unique in that there is always something deeper running within. I want to get there, but this is were the road ends for me until the next clue or path guides me to it. Matthew, you got something in here. Just push on and I'm sure that there'll be others that will see your efforts too.
This story gets a 8/10. For holding interest and making me ask questions that will forever linger as the life of Mr. Ponetti continues, you have something good. The small errors will deter others, but a watchful eye by an editor can easily cover many issues. This is a tough town to make it in, Matthew. But I think what you got IT. See you around town, kid.
Finished reviewing story for the Goodfic Bin. Whilst this is the most enjoyable story from you by far, I feel I have to reject it from the goodfic bin due to uncomfortable writing. Details are here.
Just finished reading the story. I really enjoyed it. The only thing I would have done differently was try to connect the last chapter with the butterfly.
Still I really enjoyed it.
I wrote a review of this story!
It can be found here.
6260885 Thank you for your review. I admit that I could have done a lot of things different, specifically when it comes to prose. My style of writing can be quite difficult to comprehend; it's something I need to work on. Nevertheless, thank you again for a very fair review and I will make adjustments to my story in the future.
6284527
You're welcome. Good luck!
Okay, where to start...where to start...First of, the noire style was a treat. I feel too often people focus on the action of things, or dialog, but the thoughts of the character, who remained nameless until this chapter, were quite interesting. I enjoyed that his thoughts were so entertaining, and drew me in to see the world the same way that he did, that I didn't even care that I didn't know his name. What could I say about him after all this? He's an opportunist who is smart, yet a bit of a drunkard. He does have some sort of moral code, though. It reminds me of what one of the characters in Fallout Equestria said, summed up it was 'It's what I hold on to. I my be all these things, but at least I'm not this.'
The atmosphere was top notch. I could see the the darkened bar room, that had a certain charm, yet on the scuzzy side with raptures full of wispy smoke from burning cigarettes. I can almost smell them, and the alcohol that would be served. This really did win my heart with your descriptive style.
What happened at the end? Did he do the deed or did he walk away? I must say this is the part I loved the most, because we don't know. It leaves you thinking, imagining what he would do if he did, yet feeling like he wouldn't. But after all is said and done, no one could truly say what he did. I wrote a story with a similar ending, Reflection, and it chilled people because they started questioning what reality the story took place in. This does the same thing. Which reality are we going to finish this story in? The reality where he delivers the rapist to a vengeful father, or the other where he walks away and keeps blood off his hooves?
This was a real treat to read. I'm going to totally review this in my next episode of L.O.V. Review.
Finished a review for you from the Pleasant Commentator and Review Group. Link here.
That pony was a poop pony. <.< That was a poop pony in this story just now.