Dueling Keyboards

by FanOfMostEverything

Crate Expectations

Applejack didn't much care for Locoweed.

It wasn't that the mare was an Apple by marriage. Despite baseless rumors (no doubt started by the Strawberries,) the Apples took no issue with grafting new branches onto the family tree. Applejack's own mother was proof of that, Luna rest her soul. True, there had been a fair amount of drama surrounding Buttercup's betrothal, but that was because of a feud with a single other clan, not some cockamamie notion of "keeping the blood pure." That sort of thing was for Canterlot nobles with Hapspur muzzles and cloven hooves, not honest folk.

(Not that Applejack had ever met a Canterlot noble so disfigured, as the part of her that was Honesty had to note. But she figured they just kept the bad ones stowed away in the cellar like crazy Aunt Manchineel.)

No, Applejack's quarrel with Locoweed was that the mare enjoyed her own crop a little too much and a little too often. There were no prizes for guessing what she raised, between her resin-bound dreadlocks, green-on-green color scheme, and cutie mark of a leaf like a minotaur's spread hand. And darn if she didn't cultivate strains potent enough to get even Twilight to unwind a little. But it was when she tried to help outside of her area of expertise that the problem arose.

Applejack looked from the sign to the mare and back again. "Loco, I told you we had the potluck under control."

Loco gave her a lazy smile. "Just tryin' to lend a hoof, AJ."

"There's lendin' a hoof, and there's makin' trouble enough for three more."

"C'mon, mare, it's my first Apple reunion. Smoke's been lookin' forward to me meetin' all of you for moons. Years, even!" Loco blinked, her grin falling to confusion. "Uh, maybe. How long is a hundred moons, again?"

Applejack rolled her eyes. "We met at th' weddin'." They very nearly hadn't. Loco and Applewood Smoke had moved the wedding to a week before the original date so it wouldn't overlap with the Festival of Friendship. Which may or may not have helped save Equestria, depending on how badly the girls had needed that package of gummies Applejack had been saving in her hat, both for calories and for pressing on in light of the Storm Forces' attack.

"Yeah, we did," said Loco, moving a hoof from her to Applejack, "but, like, not all the we did, you know?" She spread that same hoof over a wide area.

A mind accustomed to processing Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle made quick work of the statement. "The whole family, you mean?"

"Exactamundo."

Applejack sighed and patted Loco on the withers. "Yer heart's in th' right place, but you ain't gonna make a good impression on 'em this way."

Loco frowned. "I mean, I brought brownies, but they aren't my best, so it didn't feel like enough. Being an Apple means you do your fair share, right?"

"It's yer first reunion, Loco. Nopony's expectin' you to organize th' whole thing." Applejack looked back at the offending object. "But they're also expectin' better than that."

"It's a perfectly accurate sign."

Applejack looked at the crate of nectarines, then at the shakily hoof-painted sign that read "Tree Fruit," and finally back to Loco, an eyebrow cocked.

"Mare, do you know how much of Califoalnia is on fire these days? The only reason I remember what apples are is because I married one."

Author's Note:

Inspired by a few crates of peaches outside of a Trader Joe's, which did indeed proudly bear the caption "California Tree Fruit." I have since learned that that's the name of the distributor, but the initial conclusion amused me enough to produce this.

As for why nectarines are at an Apple Family Reunion, again, they welcome all kinds. Except those low-down, no-good, moon-banished Strawberries.

Comments

[Dracon_Pyrothayan]

Strawberries aren't berries. They're fleshy pseudo-fruit, thanks to the seeds being on the outside.

I am not entirely convinced they evolved in the same ecosystem as I did, as no non-strawberry fleshy pseudo-fruit exist.

[Hopeful_Ink_Hoof]

... When I heard "Locoweed," and food, I was expecting this to go a very different way. Then there was the mention of brownies and...

Well, let's say I was expecting there to be a bunch of "very relaxed" ponies who didn't realize what they had eaten.

[Clear Tactic]

Good call on the crazy aunt name. Sure, it's a fruit; but it and everything else to do with the tree it grows on is toxic. I assume the mare in question is little better.

Likewise the cloven hooves as a congenital effect of inbred noble lines, makes sense to me.

"Yeah, we did," said Loco, moving of hoof from her to Applejacl, but, like, not all the we did, you know?" She spread that same hoof over a wide area.

Aside from the lack of a front quotation, there seems to be a couple of other errors at play in this paragraph, you may want to take another look.

[Herald of Opera]

Mare, do you know how much of Califoalnia is on fire these days?

Do they not have pegasi or something? (Equestria is amazing because of how much sense that question makes in context)

[G S tol Kriaal]

9750244
I believe, given the context, that "on fire" is a euphemism for "high off their asses" (with apologies to any donkey-folk)

[Boltstrike58]

Wait, there's a pony who's special talent is growing weed?!

[Bugsydor]

Can confirm that CA is usually on fire. My friends all call it the Fire Nation, and it's pretty dang hot besides.

[FanOfMostEverything]

9750224
"They just ain't natural. Granny, get the crossbow! We got xenos to purge!"
... I'm not entirely sure how that went into 40k territory, but there we are.

9750227
As Loco said, those brownies weren't her best. After all, there are foals present. But thanks to a lot of practice, she can bake an excellent brownie with or without her signature ingredient.

9750240
Fun fact: The manchineel tree's scientific name literally translates to "little apple that drives horses mad." Mind you, Aunt Manchineel shouldn't be confused with Beach Apple, who definitely isn't a member of the Royal Assassinorum.

9750244
Some of it is as 9750323 suggested. Some of it is the phoenix nesting sites, the burnwillow groves, the dragon enclave in the Marejave, and internecine politics between Cloudsdale and Las Pegasus making half of the west coast's raincloud shipments mysteriously vanish on a regular basis.
Also notifying 9750426 on this one.

9750325
Why not? The rulers of the land were raised by pony Gandalf, and Celestia has an entire school of high-strung reality warpers within spitting distance of the royal gardens.

[Bugsydor]

9750764
Yeah, that checks out.

[Radmelon]

When I saw the title, my first assumption was that this'd be about the TF2 market crash. Anyways, the amount of clever worldbuilding you manage to hide away in half-mentioned details will always enthrall me.

[Cander]

Looking forward to more. Tossed this in my tracking shelf and upvoted.

[B_Munro]

And the traditional unicorn goatee was to hide the Hapspur's excessively pointy chins...

[PresentPerfect]

That was just weird. <.<

[nlinzer]

But she figured they just kept the bad ones stowed away in the cellar like crazy Aunt Manchineel.

That is greatly disturbing what kind off family does that.