Friedrich Neightsche
Joined 6th Sep, 2012 ·
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- Epic Quest · 4.4k words · 38 67 · 1.5k views
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I dont get it.
What an ineffecient sensory deprivation system. You'd think such idiotically obsessive Diabolous ex Machina-empowered jack-holes would know better. Plus the idea f being a Wonderbolt means nothing in the new order. Status and identity only have cachet when there is something real attached to it. In this case they may as well tell her she'll become a Glarble Argle Agent, it has the same (lack of) meaning.
4860194
Rogue Glarble Arble Agents killed my parents!
Ouch. Early returns are not good. This is very much an alpha, so I'm trying to improve! Please give constructive criticism :)
For some clarity, you may also wish to check out my WIP F-list character. https://www.f-list.net/c/Latex_Dash
4860586
You're really not doing your vote ratio any favors by writing a Fall of Equestria story. Clop, no matter how well written it is, tends to collect a lot of downvotes. And the universe you set this story in is one of the most hated in the entire fandom, both because a lot of people don't like the theme of it, as well as because the "story" of the verse is, quite frankly, extremely stupid.
If you just particularly want to write in the Fall of Equestria universe, because that's what makes you happy, then go for it, but be aware that the vote ratio you get will be useless for determining your skill or improvement as a writer, because a lot of the votes you get, both up and down, will come from people who never bothered to read the story.
As for the story itself, it was....meh. It didn't really grab my attention, and, as you hinted at in your post, quite confusing at times. If you have to include a separate document to clarify things in your story, you've done something wrong. Also, you really don't convey RD's mental state very well. The whole point of the story is supposed to be her altered and deteriorating mental state caused by this extreme sensory deprivation, but all that really gets conveyed is confusion.
That is to say, I have no idea what was going on for most of that. It didn't feel like any kind of coherent narrative meant to convey a point at all, just a bunch of random stuff thrown onto a page in a failed attempt to show the confusion of the character. Don't just tell us that everything and nothing happened kinda sorta maybe, I think. Give us more details, and slow down so we can actually see her mental state deteriorate.
If they injected her with something, tell us she felt the prick of the needle. If they shocked her, tell us she felt a moment of pain before her mind blanked out, don't just say, "information overload" as though it actually means something when said without context. And don't just jump straight from "man, this is gonna suck," straight to "no, I haven't seen your LSD, but have you seen the fucking dragons in the kitchen!?" in the space of a single word or two. You're completely cutting out everything that would make the story interesting in favor of giving us multiple chapters of nothing but insane ramblings and nonsense.
Thank you, Aziraphrael. That helps a ton. Might take this story down then, though I'm still getting decent information.
4861045 Here's a tip on how to reply to comments. See the little icon in the top right of the comment. It should look like |>>|. Click it and some numbers will appear down in the place where you write the comment. Write your responses after the numbers then post, the person should get a notification!
4860918
Tiny, tiny nitpick: Clop tends to get a general positive shake, an inflated popularity that gets them into the feature box, plus upvotes if there is no overpowering fetish theme. The ratio is generally positive. Except for Fall.
4860300
And were on the grassy knoll.
4860586
Aziraphael has it right: FoE stories tend to get lots of downvotes, a large portion of which come from people who think it makes them morally superior.
And there wasn't quite enough to tie it in with the FoE setting properly either, I'm afraid; actual fans have little to take away from that. You could take it out and hardly anthing would change.
Except for less whiteknighting votes.
4861915
It does get a lot of positive votes, true, but it gets a lot of negatives as well. I very rarely see even well written clop get better than a 3-4:1 ratio, simply because it's clop. There are definitely exceptions in both directions, but overall you'll get a better ratio (though not necessarily the feature box) by writing a different genre (assuming you can write an interesting and entertaining story).
4860586
Like Aziraphrael said foe is really perceived badly, it's like we are the dirty peasants of morale and they see themselves as the glorious morale master race.
So I think that what you wanted to show is the mental decline of RD while getting blanked or mentally altered, but it is very confusing.
Remember that when you write something it also represents the community, you can put anything you want in a story (well except if the community as put some rules and also regarding the rules of fimcfiction) you can always ask for help or advice in the forum,
there is also the FAQ that can help you.
I wish you good luck and have a nice day.
4861620
Thanks! That helps a ton
4864546
And this is very helpful, too.
This whole thing is definitely a WIP, but I'm glad I have some help. The like/dislike ratio seems about right for this story, with everything I know now, so that's good.
4861915 He, unfortunetely, is telling the truth. Clop is held to a high standard on this site amd will risento the feature box in under a day if it's good enough for the masses.
4864008
4864762
You make a good point, yes. And indeed, the quality question is very important. It does make clop for of an even more tightly controlled and highly refined world.