A holy crusade waged by a lone spirit, to protect its home. But is the purpose just, the enemy wicked and the home one that is worth protecting? How does one decide? Zealotry ensues.
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 3rd Oct, 2013
- offline last seen Mar 26th, 2022
Shieldbreaker
I am Shieldbreaker, the seeker of power. Doth thou desire the power?
Shieldbreaker
Joined 3rd Oct, 2013 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Tumbleweed · 11k words · 867 9 · 8.2k views
- JasonTheHuman · 18k words · 1,399 19 · 17k views
- Obselescence · 4.4k words · 1,369 21 · 18k views
- Neon Icy Wings · 66k words · 1,246 19 · 17k views
- Doctor Perseus · 8.6k words · 1,190 18 · 23k views
- Wanderer D · 570k words · 3,341 70 · 47k views
- Cold in Gardez · 1.3k words · 458 4 · 7.1k views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.069 seconds
Total duration
1,056 users online
1,994,340 hits today, 2,782,760 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
All right, I'm bailing out just halfway through the first page, and I want to be explicit on why:
So, here you set up a very specific voice for your guardian. High intelligence and an eloquence to match. It's pretty much the opposite of what a reader expects of a timber wolf, so you have some work cut out for yourself.
Well, no. I would assume that a guardian of the forest, of any type, would understand this. True, it's not that important, but then you're stuck between whether it's important enough to avoid reading oddly, and not important enough to include at all. Given what I just said above, this was incredibly jarring.
Again, there's little about nature that is terribly tranquil. The word is used in such an unusual way that it's either jarring or plain wrong.
Neither sentence is constructed properly, and that are more than a little difficult to make sense out of.
So it's a mass of wood that has lungs now? This just doesn't seem to add up.
On just a cursory examination, this seems to be where the narrative would have been better starting. Everything before this just seems like filler. 'Start late, end early' is the writing maxim: begin any scene at the last possible moment it can make sense, otherwise you will waste your reader's time.
And then came this. the incorrectly displayed open quotes, no doubt the result of some software incomparability, is so blatantly obvious that I have to assume that you either didn't check it at all after posting, or just couldn't be bothered to edit. Either way, I'm not going to read your work if you're not going to have the good grace to even check it is readable.
-M
Thanks for the feedback!
To clarify, the mass of wood is just the body/chassy, when it 'sees', or 'smells' something it is using the magic its actually composed of. No 'lungs', but enough manipulation of magic to get similar functions at those times when they are needed. Same for movement and so on - a constant use of magic, not flexing of muscles.
Also, this is also why this whole story is here, and written from a first person point of view, as opposed to omniscient 3rd person view - to convey this unique view (to non-wild sapient minds that do not follow a set directive, anyway). Hence viewing the struggle for survival, evolution, adaptation as peaceful, correct, tranquil nature, and the still world of harmony as a dark abomination. You might also notice that this timberwolf, while being poetic and descriptive about nature, biology, physics, has barely any notion of social constructs, of the value of non-magic based senses and many other things.
Edited some sentences a bit based on your feedback as well, thanks! ^.^
Interesting take on timberwolves. Reminds me a little of 'Guardians of the Old Forest'. However, the work could stand some editing and possibly some expounding on certain factors for clarification purposes. Overall I give it a 5 out of 10 as it stands.
4884020
Thanks for the feedback! It would be most wonderful, though, if you could be a bit more specific on what was unclear and what might do with some editing? ^.^
Also, if you want to know some backstory, or some outside elements I thought up for the story that had no place in it - feel free to ask!
4884083 Only ask if you really wanna know, because I'd just as soon not go through something like this:
4874792 Without wishing to be overly confrontational I'm curious to know why you phrase the points of your comment the way you do. When I read it, I felt you were stating your own opinions. But stating them in such a fashion as to suggest you spoke for everyone. Was that your intention or am I simply misunderstanding?
This is a really interesting taking on the timberwolves. I really love the idea that they see Pony magic as diseased and corrupting and I really like the voice you've given your character. I think sometimes you get a bit too technical sounding but it's not a dealbreaker for me.
You do have an issue with using proper punctuation (the commas instead of quotes issue mentioned above is the main one that stood out to me) but overall this is a well written piece. Bravo.
4885010 Just my opinions, through and through.
Very interesting overall:) I confess it felt more confusing this chapter. More and more analytical and so harder to follow what the timberwolf is actually seeing and feeling and more just talking heads feeling. I'd suggest after the contest, if you're feeling like editing, to try and flesh it out more. Too much of information comes at once and it's hard to follow since their thought process is so different from ours.
Either way, bravo.
4884738
The main idea for this short story is to test peoples reaction to my general idea/setting, my writing style and language, and see what I have to work on, before I start writing a lengthier, more elaborate story in a similar setting. So shoot! Any feedback you give can and will improve both this story, and any future ones.
4885010
Thanks for the feedback, glad that you enjoyed the idea! Would you care to point out what you might want to see more fleshed out? I have no difficulty adding a few paragraphs on some issue, so long as it is even remotely related to the surroundings of our protagonist. Also, what seems to be the issue with the commas/quotes? You mean replacing <"> with <'> ? A grammar site said that either is fine, but one source is not a lot. This is the first time I try to write a story, so do not be afraid to tell me of anything I am doing wrong. ^.^
4885280 Keep in mind, you asked.
Well, for starters your sentence and paragraph structure needs work. Take this sentence:
It could stand to be separated into two or three different paragraphs and the sentence describing the creatures could be separated itself into two or three sentences (as it stands, that particular sentence is a run-on).
]. Of course, that is just my opinion on that topic.)
Also you could stand to be a bit more concise with your descriptions, I feel. Some of the stuff is a bit hard to follow. (Granted I know that when you write, as the author, you know precisely what is going on at any particular moment. That's why I wait a moment and reread it carefully to see if it comes off as I had intended it to. The best way I can describe that is by comparing the two works I have 'Tales of Valor' and 'Of Ponies and Dragons' [which is coincidentally written for this contest btw]. If you have a look between the two, you can tell that 'Tales of Valor' I take my time on to get it right [for all that has been worth given my view count, not that I am complaining] and 'Of Ponies and Dragons' comes off as though it were written in the course of a few hours [which it was
Having it written in the first person is also a bit risky. I find it hard to separate personal thoughts and the actions taking place at a given time (however, that is a matter of personal preference and, as such, has no bearing on your particular skill level assessment).
4885359
Okay, greatly reduced the amount of run-on sentences and made the average sentence length a bit shorter. Thanks!
And, as for the first person point of view, I think it would be a bit odd to break way from the only point of view character tin such a short story?