- Member Since 27th Jun, 2014
- offline last seen Jun 5th, 2015
overlorrd53
This is my Fimfiction... Woo? Anyways, check me out on Youtube, I make MLP videos.
overlorrd53
Joined 27th Jun, 2014 ·
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This felt like a cheesy 1980's fic. Work on pace (seriously, Dash has a LOT more stamina than that) other than that, great fic.
4915806 Cody, nobody kniws the actual stAmina of Dash in bed.
A bit blunt. I could use more fluff and possibly not such cliche phrases, but for your first clip fic, it was pretty good!
7/10
Well this is the first time I'm going to be doing this on a clopfic but... well... there's a first time for everything...
Eh? Eh? Never mind. I'll just do my review thing then.
Well we're opening to an excellent start!... not really. The fact that the first line in your story is straight up exposition is not a good sign. Info like this could easily be spread out through dialogue. Show, don't tell, especially with information like this.
Continuity errors in the second sentence! Well this is just great!... sorry, in a really sarcastic mood tonight; don't take it personally. In the previous line you said "almost four months", as in less than four, but in this on it's five on the dot. That's... yeah, no.
Redundant much redundant? You say she's putting it away for later, and then you have her says he's putting it away for later. It's better to only say that once, and even better to do so in dialogue.
Because now Twilight's psychic and knows who's at her door instantly. Before you say "well who else would it be?" you have not given us any indication as to why it couldn't be someone else. For all I know it's the middle of the day and some pony is just coming by to check out a book. It is a public library.
Who had a flirtatious look in their eye? You don't really make that clear, since we just mentioned Rainbow, but at the same time the rest of the sentence is talking about Twilight when using 'she'. Names help with things like this, especially when both genders are the same so you can't identify by he or she. And this sentence is also just super awkward.
Wasn't there already a checklist of things sitting on that bed? You know, the entire scene you used to open the story? No? We're... just gonna forget about that then? Oh... okay...
Wasn't she still on Twilight? Does she just have really really long legs that can reach under the bed without moving? Hmm.. Elastic Dash... that'd make an interesting story... an even more interesting clopfic....
How does one "apply" a strap-on? I do believe the action you were looking for was "strapped" as the name would suggest?
No, just.... just no.... no. It's a bad joke and it breaks flow and it's just... no.
This line made me laugh, cry, and die a little on the inside all at once. You... you are aware of what a scrotum is, right? Like... it's kinda a male-only thing. As in females don't have it. Besides that, the beginning of this line was honestly painful. Like, a single sentence to describe the climax? In a clopfic, the climax should be.. well, the story's climax. The entire fic should be building towards it and it should be the peak of the action and just... no? Just one sentence?... alright....
Also the fact that the entire scene is a single paragraph is immensely disappointing and way too short.
Come to think of it, you never said what position that was, exactly. You have virtually no descriptions anywhere in here. It feels like Steven Hawking is just watching someone having sex and repeating back what's happening, minus the visual descriptions. Just spitting facts at us about what's going on.
Wait, what happened to the dildo? Are we... oh... we're just gonna forget about that too then. Okay.
Oh, so we actually did remember! Where was it all this time? How did it not.. I dunno, get in the way? It must have been really uncomfortable to lay on....
How? Through her hoof? Wait, in the next couple lines you have her turn it on, so it's not even vibrating at this point! Continuity error again!
Well this would be an.. interesting position. Too bad we have no idea what it's supposed to look like as you haven't described anything about how this is all going down.
Wat.
All in all... this was honestly painful to read. You take no time for any kind of build up to anything, you don't bother to describe anything, and it's just... it just doesn't work. The fact that this is less than 2K words is a dead giveaway that it's not good, as even the most to-the-point clopfics have at least 2K, and most that involve more than one pony are 3K or higher depending on the setup.
My advice is to get some more basic writing skill before trying this again, and before that read a lot (A LOT) of clopfics and pay close attention to them, especially their descriptions.
4917019 Thanks, I'll be sure to keep this in mind. I originally was gonna do an entirely different story but my friend wanted me to do a clopfic, also at the time of writing this I wasn't in the mood so I kinda rushed it. Anyways, thanks for the info!
4916090 you don't know the things I know...
4917019
Your review was almost as long as the story itself.
4917019 I hate arguing with you since you're a great writer, UT there's just one thing that you made a mistake in. Yes, he never said what position they're in, but one can easily infer what position it was if they pay attention to the text. After reading the whole thing, I figure they're in an eagle spread position, facing up. There you go!
Truth be told, I read better.
But it was your first time, so good job, and you'll get better eventually.
4916090
This is the most underrated comment.