This is the story of Halo Brightoak, and his friends in their fight to keep the streets of Phillydelphia clean from the vamponies that infest them. A fight that they seemed to be winning until the recent increase in new vamponies. Can Halo figure out their plan and save Phillydelphia?
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An interesting idea, but it needs help. The action scenes felt somewhat dull. Also, use more paragraphs. It makes things easier to read.
If you want help with editing, send me a message.
Its going to need some revision and a little help editing as well.
I'd be willing to help out editing this
indent at the beginning of paragraphs.
divide this into more paragraphs.
indent and start a new paragraph when there is dialogue, and the speaker changes. and don't use colons.
so this
He looked at the unicorn and said: “ Are you alright miss?”.
The unicorn thought for a moment before replying: “ I'm fine... I think... What happened?”.
“You we're attacked by some black mare, but I managed to scare her off” the stallion said.
turns into
He looked at the unicorn.
“ Are you alright miss?”. The unicorn thought for a moment before replying.
“ I'm fine... I think... What happened?”
“You we're attacked by some black mare, but I managed to scare her off” the stallion said.
don't use the flash pony generator for cover art. i've seen enough OCs facing to the left.
other notes: "fillydelphia" not Phillydelphia.
the writing is kinda wonky. not the mechanics, the style. i'm not too fond of the descriptions you used. or the action. it's hard to follow or get engaged in..
"place to sleep after Halo had rescued their daughters life." as i said, wonky.
also, don'y ponify "vampire". just use "vampire".
all in all, i think you should read some adventure novels or something, just to get a feel for what writing should be like.
457324
Thanks for the feedback but there's a few things you're gonna have to explain to me.
1) What do you mean by "indent paragraph"?
2) You say "... don't use colons.
so this
turns into"
Turns into what? I'm not quite sure what you mean
3) Would you please explain what you mean by " wonky"?
And it may just be me (entirely possible) but you sound a little condescending. I really don't care that you don't like the general Zoi pony, and if wanted my drawings critiqued i'd go on deviantart.
460405
fixed my first post so you can actually see the changes. sorry about that.
as for wonky, i mean the flow of the sentences and action are awkward. you can fix this by rearranging the order of words, and manipulating the punctuation.
indentations are a space to offset the first line of a new paragraph, like this paragraph i'm writing right now. you indent with the Tab key. the purpose of this is to make the text more readable.
460497 Well your attempts at encouraging him to keep going where in vain, alas it seems like a lot of authors and writers faded away or where completely destroyed back here near the last page of 'Top - All Time'. *Sigh* For all I know you too are no longer on Fimfiction either as it has been quite some time since your comments on this page, thus I may be talking to nothing but a deserted, abandoned profile on this site.