A threat to Equestria of "Astronomical" proportions forces Princess Twilight Sparkle to team up with a squad of elite royal astronomers, but what will happen when that gets complicated, For a number of reasons?
My first story.
Chapters (6)
- Member Since 29th Jul, 2014
- offline last seen Jan 10th, 2015
Iamnotarobot
A gravity falls obsessed homestuck-reading, portal loving Brony.
Iamnotarobot
Joined 29th Jul, 2014 ·
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Constructive Crit:
Don't go adding your own story to a group. Especially right off the chopping block as your first ever story. This presents what is known as a 'Conflict of Interest' and makes you look bad, or rather conceited. It looks even worse if your story isn't well received because that easily causes it to come across as attention seeking. (
) Wait for someone else to do it for you if they like it.
That being said: Your prose is in tatters. It looks like a cross between proper story prose and script format with the POV shifts, which tends to look like a chaotic mess more befitting His Lordship DisQord.. That causes it to read like an old 80s cartoon remake of a cheesy comic. There are more 'elegant' ways of shifting between points of view that are intuitive in nature.
I'd suggest adding more meat to your paragraphs and not rushing. I already noted you put both of these chapters out in two days flat, which would likely suggest an idea to throw out, but not yet a story to make of it. Take your time, make even the prologue read like a story.
Oh, and English not being your native language won't shield you from dislike if people don't like it. Try to word that in a way that requests help instead of begs forgiveness. This is the internet, it doesn't have mercy.
4847707 Thank you very much! I really appreciate your tips, I hope I get better in the future
4847707 Your words are true and kind in a place without mercy, good sir.
4927674 I agree, i'm trying to get better, do you have any other feedback, maybe on the plot or characters?
Although there are some grammar mistakes, this story is actually very good. It's easily one of the better science fiction stories on this site.