The Cake is a Lie

by n

Agent Black Forest Cake

What did I just write? Criticisms welcomed. Other author stuff that I don’t feel like typing out, like the fact that MLP belongs to HAsBRO. If you enjoy this, then enjoy, otherwise don’t enjoy. This chapter was confusing as hell to write. Kinda wish i referred to the cake as a he or a she. The desserts are screwing me over.

The cake regained consciousness in the land of the desserts. To its horror, all the other desserts were staring at it like some sort of specimen to be gawked at while visiting the zoo. It made a note to get those that had humiliated him punished. For now, it knew that it had to find out what had happened while it was missing. It wouldn’t do for it to be haughty if its status had dropped. It was happy to find that it was still important.

The dessert lord had been distressed by the disappearance of one of his most loyal subjects. It was unheard of for one of its status to be summoned like that. The dessert lord notified the cake lord that the dessert lord wanted a investigation to be had at once. The cake lord knew just the candidate for the investigation. The cake lord looked to the black forest cake, since it could get out quickly. It had that kind of experience. After all, in the universe it was most commonly summoned, it was usually a lie in the blink of an eye. It had only been caught once. It was the best of the best.

The black forest cake had to plan accordingly of course. It supposed it would bring GLaDOS into Equestria. GLaDOS was sure to cause some sort of chaos. She always managed to do so, especially in the human world. They always laughed at her pointless antics and managed to irritate her beyond belief. It was these distractions that allowed the black forest cake to steal the technology that helped the land of the desserts to prosper. This land was not to be confused the the land of the deserts. That was what they had all been taught when they were young. It was what they all blurted out when they weren’t thinking. It was great when being interrogated.

The biggest problem that black forest cake faced was finding a way to force GLaDos into Equestria. It supposed that Chell would make a good bait. Considering Equestria was a utopia of sorts. The black forest cake supposed that Chell would be running out of food by now. The rest of that universe seemed to be somewhat apocalyptic after all. The black forest cake sighed. How was it fair that its cousin, the cake, had all the glory while it had to do the dirty work. The black forest cake supposed that it was because the cake was tastier than it was. Nobody liked the poor black forest cake. It was just boring chocolate. The cake had more than the black forest cake. It was tall and dashing. This gave it many admirers, which in turn gave the cake lord more reason to give the cake power.

That was the way hiearchy worked in the land of desserts. Nodessert had status without admirers. Not that anydessert could marry into power. The desserts reproduced asexually. That was their creed. They were not uncivilized like those from the universes that borrowed so many of them. They did not have the gall to mess each other’s icing up in what they had heard was called hot steamy sex. Generally speaking, the more complex the dessert, the higher it was. The dessert lord was made of every single dessert. The complexity ranged from fillings, to toppings to the technique by which icing was put on top.

The black forest cake could feel the tug again. It let go of its resistance, and allowed itself to be summoned. Its vision turned black.

When it came too, it was in a room filled with spheres. Those were the backup cores. It couldn’t do anything yet, so it sat there and waited. To its surprise, the room started to move. This was highly unusual. Still, it wouldn’t hurt to see where this was taking it. The black forest cake was confident it could get out of sticky situations.

The room was roughly dumped outside. The black forest cake felt itself get jostled. This was exactly the reason the black forest cake hated its job. There was no way it would ever move up the hierarchy. It supposed it was good enough that it had learned techniques for survival though. When the higher order desserts got summoned, they never came back quite the same. The black forest cake looked around for Chell. It groaned internally. Chell had probably already moved on by now, driven to search for food. It was going to be a long day on Earth. Seeing no other way to proceed, the black forest cake followed the pull back to the land of desserts. It had learned to do this without being eaten, a skill that had proven highly useful.

When it arrived back in the land of desserts, the black forest cake followed the pull back to Earth. This time, it was on a dinner table. It supposed it was going to be a sort of birthday cake. The black forest cake supposed it should’ve been an honor for a cake of its status, but it couldn’t fool around just yet. Quickly, it opened a portal to Equestria. It couldn’t risk getting eaten. It would just have to hope that the chip it hid in Chell’s portal gun would work. With its task done, it went back to the land of the desserts.

Next, it would have to appear in Equestria as bait. So it followed another pull right onto another dinner table. How typical. That was all the black forest cake was ever good for. It looked through the portal and saw Chell staring through. This was perfect. Chell stepped through the portal and entered Equestria. The black forest cake knew that it would face impending doom if it stayed there, Chell would most likely eat it. Quickly, the black forest cake closed the portal it had opened, making sure that Chell would be unable to return to earth. Then the black forest cake returned the land of deserts, where it gave its report to the cake lord regarding the progress of its mission. The cake lord seemed pleased. The black forest cake knew that this would only last while the black forest cake made progress. It gave the equivalent of a bow to the cake lord, then promptly moved to the forest cake quarters. It had been a long day and the black forest cake needed rest in the black cake forest. Or was it the cake of black forests? The black forest cake could never remember. Every time a new dessert came to being, it added another name to the already confusing and tedious list of names.

The black forest cake wasn’t surprised when it was rudely awoken. It bowed with a flourish and proceeded to continue the mission. It supposed it would have to observe in Equestria. It appeared in a well maintained display. This was a welcome change to the dinner tables. Only, Chell was staring at it through the window. This could be bad. It had to wait and see if Chell would try anything funny first though. Before it thought anything else, everything went black.

The black forest cake groaned in annoyance. Pinkie Pie was a constant danger in Equestria when it came to trying to complete missions. Secret agent black forest cake always hated it when Pinkie Pie was hungry. It had to go back though. Too much was at stake. So the black forest cake returned. It frowned when it looked at the tracker. GLaDOS was not in Equestria. It would have to hope that Chell was enough.

The black forest cake observed that the ponies seemed to be chasing something around. It was a bit surprised. As long as the black forest cake lived, it had never observed the ponies to chase things. They usually hid in their houses, shaking like fools. It was all too easy to break into a house and once that happened, it was hard to escape. It supposed that what they were chasing was chell, since they rarely reacted by chasing anyway and Chell was fairly unique.

Chell had only wanted some food. She was starving like crazy. When that crazy aqua pony started asking her questions, she panicked and used the portal gun. That was when she was chased by so many other ponies who wanted to know what had happened. She wanted to talk to the ponies but she could not talk. From her childhood, she had always been a silent protagonist. She cursed her cruel fate. This was all because she saw a tasty looking cake through a portal. She should’ve known that it was going to be a trap.

The hoard of ponies finally surrounded Chell. She stared back. Instinctively, she looked around to see if she could portal her way out. Slowly, she realized that there was no way out. The freaky minty green unicorn stepped forth. Chell looked at the moon. Perhaps she could use that trick again. She aimed at the moon and fired. To her pleasant surprise, the Candy Mountain appeared out of the portal. The letter Y jumped from the mountain and started singing a song.

The black forest cake looked in confusion. He was not aware that the any of the lords had requested a full scale invasion. Then it dawned upon him. Somehow, his modification of the portal device had enabled Chell to open a rift to candy hell, where candy was left rot. He felt sorry for the candy and knew that the candy lord was a giant douchebag. Of course, the black forest cake hoped the unicorn pair would come through as well. That was sure to confuse anything.

Twilight Sparkle glanced outside the library in shock at the commotion. Having learned her lesson for once, she drafted a letter to Princess Celestia.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Everypony in this town is crazy! There are some alien things and some odd looking unicorns. Also there is a giant cave of candy that will make Pinkie Pie unstable. Ponyville needs your assistance.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle

Unfortunately for Twilight, Spike was having the childhood of his life on the Candy Mountain. Pinkie Pie’s Pinkie Sense had also warned her of the doozy. When she saw the candy mountain, she felt double the grin. This would make her a Perfectly Peachy Premiere Party Pony of Ponyville. Maybe even in all of Equestria.

Unbeknownst to any of the participants, the evil spices were feeding information to Princess Luna in order to goad her into making the New Lunar Republic.

Princess Celestia was too busy plotting to notice the letter Twilight had sent her.

The author looked at what he had created in awe. He also felt that he needed to control the story in order to make sure that it could be completed.

Pinkie Pie stood behind the author. She couldn’t let the author investigate Pinkie Pie. That would break all the laws.

Gummy stared out. He would make sure that Pinkie Pie would be okay. He had many explosives planted on those that would threaten Pinkie Pie. Although he regretted it, many had been slain in their quest to hurt Pinkie Pie. Rainbow Dash had been eliminated more times than Gummy could count.

The author used his authority to end the chapter. He was quite exhausted and needed to touch up on some of his other works. He also used the opportunity to shamelessly promote his fictions and encouraged the audience to leave comments.

The audience stared expectantly at the author. They could not hear his plea. Only Pinkie Pie had the power to break the fourth wall.

Comments

[TheStallion]

Everything became everything...glorious

[n]

455393

Thank you.

[Themaskedferret]

*Grins* and as hoped for, the awesomeness is slowly ramping up. *Twirls * Definitely eagerly awaiting more!

[n]

456072

Now I have so many expectations. I really hope I can meet them.

[Themaskedferret]

456081 Pshaw don't worry about it ! Honestly even if you suddenly get a lobotomy and the stories all become about how rainbow dash is *really* into humping clouds or something I won't care. Why? Because these first two chapters are hilarious and so if nothing else comes of the story i'm glad to have read them. I honestly have faith this is going to be great based on how it's started because you really love the characters and it shows really well. I'm also loving the whole dessert world and candy hell dynamic and bringing Chell in is especially a cute twist.

TL;DR Relax and have fun, the appeal of the story is knowing you the author are having fun writing it. If that changes so does the fun.

[n]

456096

That's good to hear. I guess I'll go back to venting my stress then.

[Themaskedferret]

456106 Don't ever hesitate to vent it on here darl. That's what that handy blog thing is for and I'm a pretty decent ear and shoulder when needed.